onthebrink828

So I am new to this but something happened between me an my husband this evening that made me realize I really need to talk to people who have been through what I am going through right now. Long story short - I have known about my husband's addiction for about a year and a half and I have threatened many times before to leave but find myself in this predicament time and time again. The last time he used (2 weeks ago) I said I wanted a divorce because I don't want to live like this anymore and he made all these promises. This is my problem - he said he wanted to lay low and not hang out with anyone for a while (3 months) so he could at least avoid being tempted for now. He also said he wanted to go to meetings 4 times a week. We've been to ONE meeting so far and what happened was this: I have a family dinner next weekend for our New Year celebration - very important to our culture. Anyhow, he said he does not want to go because he said he wants to lay low etc etc etc. I can't help but be upset because I feel like he only commits to what he likes - not necessarily to keep sober. I know he said he wanted to lay low but he also said he would go to meetings so - now I feel like he isn't completely into trying. Am I being unreasonable?

serenityqueen

Thank you for sharing what's going on. You are probably not going to like what I have to say, but he has to do what he has to do for his Recovery.

You mentioned that "we" only went to one meeting. Did he ask you to go with him? Or did you go along to make sure he went? I'm not meaning to sound harsh, please don't think that. I know for many years different people in my life who love me and meant well, tried to work my program for me. Is he staying clean? Maybe he needs to go to meetings by himself.

Have you looking into Alanon? In case you aren't aware of it, Alanon is a support group for the family/friends/loved ones of alcoholics/addicts. You will get the support you need in helping you deal with your feelings about what's going on with you because of his disease.

Will there be any alcohol or drugs at the family dinner that is planned? Even if there isn't, he more than likely has a lot of guilt and shame about what his disease has caused in your lives and facing family is going to be hard. You mentioned the word "celebration" As an addict and alcoholic myself, I know using was something that I thought I had to do at celebrations.

If he hasn't picked up since he said he was going to "lay low," then it sounds like he's off to a good start to me.

I hope you'll continue to read other threads and posts, I'm sure you'll get something out of the others as well.I'm glad you found us here, stick around, miracles happen everyday.

God Bless,
Judy

onthebrink828

Thank you so much for replying Judy. I do not mind the harshness at all - rather I welcome it as I know nothing about beind addicted to anything - I've never even smoked weed! So I really feel like I need to learn about the disease and about when he is dealing with. One thing you mentioned really made sense to me - about his guilt and shame. It makes total sense since, (after a whole blow out from the last time he used) I sent a couple of texts to my sister about needing her support over my soon to be divorce, she wrote back and basically said she would support me in whatever I decide. My husband saw that as us teaming up against him and hasn't really seen her since so the dinner would be the first in 3 weeks.
In regards to the meetings - he asked me to go with him. I do whatever he wants usually when it comes to support. I did go to an al anon meeting once and I am planning to go to another tomorrow. The last time I went, all the speakers spoke about was divorce - and I guess at the time I didn't want to hear it.
This is such a difficult thing to go through - I know it's wrong but I sometimes feel like I made the wrong decision in marrying him. I mean, I knew about it before - I was just hoping he would change I guess. And now I want to have a baby but I dont want to if he is not clean. I have no idea what to do...

imallright

Welcome. You are already doing some great things for you. You have realized this is a problem for you, came here, you reached out to your sister for support, you have laid it on the line for your H. You went to a meeting, you are planning to go to another. Good for you.

The first step is recognizing that this is a problem for you and that you need to find ways to take care of you. Try to focus on what YOU want and what you need to be healthy and sane. Take baby steps and it will come together. It will not be easy and it will hurt... but if you truly want health, sanity and happiness... there is no other way. Be true to you. Keep coming here. There are many of us who can relate to your situation and we are willing to listen.

jerect

I've done the We've thing with my AH too... many many times... and it always lead to the same place... insanity

In this program... We doesn't work... the only thing that works is I

I can't change my AH but I can change myself, I can't change my AH's behavior but I can change mine..

It's fine to go to meetings with your AH on occasions.. In fact I go to open AA/NA meetings at least once every two weeks, sometimes with my AH sometimes without... but even then I don't go for WE I go for ME...

If you haven't already give AL Anon a try... and keep posting and reading here on SR..

onthebrink828

Everything I've read from everyone makes lots of sense. And cynical one - you make a good point. I haven't followed through - but how do I walk away? Deep down I don't have faith he can do this because of the past experiences but I love him so much and I want to keep trying because I want a family and him to be part of it. I guess coming back to SR and going to meetings will help me figure things out eventually. I dont want to become resentful, which is probably what is going to happen if this continues. I read other threads and I feel like I'm looking into my own life.
The way I look at it - the new year's dinner is just dinner, not like we are going to a bar or anything even anything close to it. But to an addict is it something different?
I also wanted to ask if anyone knows anything about Rehab centers? Is it super expensive? I don't believe they take medical insurance? Any info would be great - thank you everyone!

MyJoey

Please think long and hard before starting a family, this is a life long addiction he will be fighting, just so you are aware of that before starting a family. Make sure he has been clean a good long time before bringing children into your world.

onthebrink828

Thanks so much for all your advice. I am definitely going to try harder at focusing more on myself and figuring out how I want to handle this from now on. Actually, I've been hanging on to a thread, rather, our marriage has, for a few months now and I feel like I'm getting closer and closer to living with the fact that I cannot do anything about it and I cannot change him or the addiction. I understand it - I just have to take the leap when the time comes.

onthebrink828

And you're all right about him being able to look up the info himself - he's been an addict for 10 plus years...I can only pray that he can get through this.