luvitcountry

Hi, I am new here but have been going to naranon meetings for a couple of years. My son and my husband are both recovering addicts. I met my husband while my son was in treatment in 06 and we married the end of 07. My son is living with us because when he got out of treatment I told him he could stay here and get back on his feet, bills paid off and go back to college. He turned 23 several months ago and just this month celebrated 1 yr clean. I am proud of what he has accomplished and he is working a very good program and is very involved. My problem is my husband is and always has been very jealous of him and he is a controlling, possessive person. He verbally attacked my son last Saturday night and told him to pack his clothes and get out of this house (I have been in my home for 22 years and so has my son, except when he was away at college).It came real close to getting physical. The scene was very ugly. My son tried to talk to him reasonably but that is not how he wanted to play. son was on the phone during this time calling people in the program. I told my husband to leave and almost had to call the police to have him removed. I have talked to him several times and he is nice and the next minute he is crying and then blaming my son for the breakup of our marriage. He came by last night and was drinking and of course it is my fault that he started drinking because I kicked him out (which I know that it is not my fault). I told him he cannot come back because we both have issues to work on. I am so sad that he is going through this. He came back over this morning to get more of his clothes because he is leaving to go out of town to work next week....and then wants to make love the whole time he is here. I told him no and stuck to it.....I think that is all he wants right now....that shows him i love him...so he says.

He has not been to any meetings in a while and at one point he was going to several treatment centers and holding meetings. After being in my program for a while, why do I still feel like I could have prevented this somehow? I seen that he was beginning to display signs of a blow up and that could lead to a relapse. I have to look at my part in this and I feel like maybe I did not do it because of some past resentments that I have tried very hard to work on. All i know is right now I am in a bad place and very miserable. Thanks for letting me share.

outtolunch

I am sorry you are feeling miserable.

It does seem that many alcoholics and addicts create discord and chaos to rationalize relapse.

You know you do not have the power to create and sustain a "perfect world" so that he stays sober. It's not your job to keep him sober.

Maybe the current situation is enough for him to go back into the program and help himself. Or maybe not.

You have established your boundaries and imposed the consequences.

The rest is up to him.

luvitcountry

Thanks for the reply.

I think maybe this may help him get started back in the program and I have got to be strong enough to help him by not answering everytime he calls because that just creates more stress for both of us when he does not get the answers he wants. He mentioned this morning that I don't need him but he needs me. I told him that I was not what he needed right now. Having me around has not helped him so far.

I have not really let him suffer any consequences for his actions....and I know that is not going to help him. I really need to work on my boundaries.

TFLMS

Seren

You son sounds like he is really getting his act together...trying to take the high road when dealing with your husband's jealous and immature tirade. He should be proud of himself. I know it can't have been easy for you either to watch these people you love screaming at one another.

I'm dating a man now who has two adult children D and AS, and I know that I will always come in second if it came down to it....jealousy is, I believe, a natural feeling in your husband's situation. However, his actions are not helping him deal with these feelings--how sad.

I agree with outtolunch....it's not your job to keep your husband sober or create a perfect world for him.

Hugs to you.
HG

luvitcountry

I know that i cannot let him come back right now because that would just be giving into him and letting him control me. And he is sure can't come back until he gets over the feelings toward my son. He has apoligized to me several times in between the times he was ranting about something but he has not mentioned once that he should apologize to my son.

He went today and picked up my two youngest grandsons to take to Chuckee Cheese's and after my daughter called and told me I was very upset about that. I know that he would not do anything to harm them but he seems to be working so hard on trying to something that would please me.

He also has a D and AS that are grown and they live in another state and he does not get to see them much. He made the comment before that I had a home, my children close by and he had nothing and was a failure. I told him he was not a failure and don't be so hard on himself. He says things like that alot and I think that is a way to make me feel sorry for him and I do hate that he feels that way....but these are some of the things he needs to work out....because none of that is my fault.