Denoraphy

Yes. I am proud of myself. I am starting to overcome some of my codie ways. I think what is driving me in the right direction is anger. I am tired of being lied to and manipulated by the addict in my life. I am starting to realize that:
I DESERVE BETTER!

Child protective services was called out to our home last month. Someone called in a report about AH's drug use/abuse. This morning a woman was here from family intervention, she wants to come back once a week for the next month two or three months.

As I am sitting here talking to her, I am thinking about everything else that I scheduled for my day that is now not getting done. I am getting so mad, I can feel my face getting hot. I don't normally let things like that get to me, but come on here, I am not the one that should be sitting here having to talk about what I do when I get angry, etc.

So, I decided to put my anger to good use. AH has not followed through with all of the promises he made after last months incident about getting clean and doing a program, etc. So, when he got home, we talked...again.

I am overcoming my fear of confronting him and it feels great. I know what I want to say, and I have been able to get my thoughts out and not get distracted by his blaming me for all his short comings. While his hamster wheel of blame is turning, I step off and watch it go. Whee...sure glad I'm not on that ride anymore.

hello-kitty

As an adult, I think most of the time, we are pretty much in charge of what we get, except for maybe natural disasters like earthquakes or tsunamis or hurricanes or fire. It's not about deserving really. It's about what we are willing to settle for. Or how hard we are willing to work.

The poor kids. Things must be pretty bad for people to be reporting the family situation to child protective services. Now the kids, they deserve better. That's for sure. I hope things go ok for them and they don't end up in foster care. Do you a family member who can take them for a while, before CPS does?

MrsMagoo

Oh God Anvil - that is really hard to hear!! It's true but it's a very painful truth that us codies are in denial about. I do it. Much like the addicts, we know the risk we take but because we love them, like the addicts love the drug, we overlook the danger to our children of being passive and/or "supportive". I always tell myself that I'm being protective of my children. If we were separated or divorce, he would have some sort of visitation and then I (me, myself and I) would not be around to monitor the situation or the safety of my children. Abosolute co-dependent behavior. Working on that.

Yes, girl - you made a good start by being direct with your AH. Keep it up. It will get easier, you will be stronger and the rest of the decisions will come, hopefully sooner rather than later. DO whatever CS advises. If they have not already suggested it, ask them to do random U/A's on you and your husband. I recently had the same situation and when I offered myself up, it took some of the focus off me and I decided right then and there, if AH came up dirty after swearing that he was clean - that would be the proof I needed that he wasn't serious. Fortunately or unfortunately, he avoided many U/A's but when he did do them, he came back clean.

I know this post is all over the place and I apologize. I'm trying to work out some stuff in my own family and I see some similiarities so I thought I'd put my jumbled up 2 cents in.

winnie12

I had one experience with DFCS. The woman had left a note on my door and i flagged her down - they got a complaint on me from my AS. I was actually very happy to have her in my home. We sat down and I asked her about social services we could get help at, asked for her advice, admitted to her some things that i had had done wrong. i was an open book and she gave me some really good advice. When she left she said she was dropping the case and admitted she had rarely had anyone so happy to see her at their door.

What I'm trying to say is that, even though it would be uncomfortatble for anyone to feel scrutinized as a parent, if you feel this much discomfort then deep down inside you must know that this problem is having a negative effect on your kids.

BayAreaPhoenix

Something to remember - getting a divorce or seperating is not death. It is not "unchangeable".

I know a couple who just celebrated their 50th Anniversary - with an exception- for 13 of those years they were divorced. The husband became an alcoholic and all that goes with it. They had children. She said NO to the lifestyle he was bringing into their home and divorced him. In time he did find recovery, but she waited until she SAW it and saw it for years and then made an educated decision to let him back into her life. By now the kids are grown. They remarried on their anniversary.

She had peace and lived a full and happy life (with help from alanon) for those 13 years and let him make his choices. He did choose recovery, eventually, and he continues to work it.

I know they are not typical of what does happen, but it is a scenario of what can happen.

In the meantime, I agree with Anvil - you and your children's safety and health. Once CPS involved, at least here in CA, they stay with you until your children are of age.

(((hugs)))

NeedingHelp7

This is serious.

Geeees........Sorry you felt so bothered.

Sometimes the denial runs deeper than others.

I hope CPS protects the children.

Denoraphy

He claims he is getting clean. I know he is lying. We are 3 months behind on our mortgage and I cannot afford to live here on my own. I will admit that I have been procrastinating. Last months CPS visit was the last straw for me, I cannot live like this anymore. I told him he needed to work a program that I approved of, not the self help programs that he continually fails at. He is not.

I know I have to stop dragging my feet and do what I said. I told him if he wasn't going to work a program he needed to go elsewhere, I couldn't allow him to live here. He told me he didn't have any money and nowhere to go and that he wasn't leaving. So, now what? How do I get him out of here?

I know I have been in denial about AH's addiction. But, my kids are my world, every choice I make, I make keeping them at the forefront of the decision. I have stayed with him as long as I have because I truely felt that it was the best thing to do for everyones happiness. Sure, I could have left long ago, but there would have been other negatives doing so. I would have had to work outside of the home, money would have been short, I would have had to let them go every weekend to him, etc. AH's addiction has really progressed over the past couple years, prior to that I feel the kids were mostly sheltered from it.

Serenity Bound

put your kids first.......contact those agencies & seek advice......losing the house is one thing...but losing your kids....well...you know what you have to do and you need to do it quickly.

Hugs & Prayers coming your way,
Chris

hello-kitty

Wow Denography. What a mess you are in!

Your posts are very distressing to me because you don't seem to realize how serious the situation is or if you do, it doesn't sound like you are trying to make things better.

I'd worry less about codependency issues & your husbands drug addiction, and more about homelessness issues. And losing your children.

It sounds like you are about to lose your house 3 months is a really long time to be behind on a mortgage. CPS could possibly take your kids. You need help honey. What are you doing to save yourself? Anything? Do you have a family you can be honest with about this situation? A church?

The ship is sinking. Are you going to go down with it and take your kids with you?

Denoraphy

The CPS agent told me I wouldn't lose my kids. I was very honest with him while he was here about my worries of AH. That I knew he had a problem and it was progessing out of controll and I was starting to take steps protect myself and our kids from his downward spiral. The CPS agent said they see these same situations daily.

They drug tested him while they were here and it came up negative. They admitted their tests are pretty lousy, AH had admitted to taking pills earlier in the day.

Yes, I have talked to my family about what is happening and they have offered to help. I have been in touch with legal aid and have a consultation with them next week. I am sure they will be able to help me sort out my options.

I know I am on a sinking ship and it's time to bail out.

Impurrfect

I'm coming in, late on this, but sounds like you have a lot going on.

I would not trust one CPS person's word that you will not lose your kids over this, but probably because we've had a LOT of issues with incompetent CPS workers, here in Atlanta, and supervisors have more sayso than the people in the field.

All I want to add, is that whatever you do, make sure you understand that whatever happens with you and the kids from here on out is in YOUR hands. Your AH has made it clear, by his actions, that he is still using.

I understand that things are very rough right now, but just as an addict has to face the consequences of their actions, so do we codies. Unfortunately, in your case, so do your children.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

winnie12

I agree with Impurrfect - i wouldnt trust that at all. You need to get your kids away from this situation now. They will also say things to make you comfortable so they can get more info - remember they are there investigating on behalf of the kids not you. I have a friend raising her grandkids because their parents are addicts and they put her through the ringer even though she provides a good stable, drug free environment.