Group Therapy Meltdown
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Group Therapy Meltdown
My son is in drug court and every wednesday night we have drug court and then group therapy. Last night there were about 15 kids and their parents in attendance and the theme was communication. They were going through standard communication techniques and then i kinda got the group off target when I said you know i have tried all of those techniques of explaining myself and not using You statements and they just dont work as a parent - sometimes as a parent you have to say You and you have to flat out say No. Then a couple other parents jumped in and relayed the same thing and it got a little heated. One kid being totally argumentative and silly. Another kid was completely thoughtful and said that he and his mom were trying to work as a team with a common goal - and that was great to hear its working for him becuase I know he had a very tough journey. I explained to him that right now i'm a parent not a friend with my son - and he was cool and respectful with that.
But one parent then addressed me and said that we have to lead our kids through our own actions and that just putting our foot down doesnt get the right message across. I kinda lost it - said i used to be at that point but after i watched my son overdose and spent months of having EMS in my driveway every two months that changed. I explained that i cant stop my kid from doing anything that he wants to do but in my home I have had to take a stand. I almost started crying during it. The therapist took over at that point and started making statements about how "others" probably wont go through what we did blah blah blah. I felt like the crazy mom in the group and dont feel like i expressed myself well.
I'm a bit embarrased that i let it out that way and my son was upset at me afterwards - he hates it when i talk in group anyway and for me to get so passionate about the subject and make a stand on my rights as a parent made him very uncomfortable. i actually get nothing out of those groups because the majority of the people in there are still in denial and some are just dealing with juvenile delinquents and not true drug addiction.
All this touchy feelie pyschological crap just doesnt work when your dealing with someone who is determined to destroy themself. There are a handful of parents/kids in that group that are in the same boat as my son but there is an air of denial from most of the rest and they are only there because its court ordered. Siitting down and talking to my son will do nothing at this point - when he hears this stuff in group then he uses it as a tool against me when i take a stand on something.
I dont know what i'm saying here - i guess i just have that morning after feeling of dread that I made a fool of myself. I realize that i still have a lot of anger towards my son and that was the first time i had let it out. For me I need to let it out but it will do me no good to say these things to my AS because he wont hear me. I'm so very hurt and as a parent i'm supposed to keep quiet and not rock the boat because he's so fragile right now. I just feel like "everything" is always about the "addict" and our feelings are supposed to be tucked away neatly and never exposed - dont make the addict feel guilty - tiptoe around the truth. I'm a human being too - why does he get to be shielded from the pain while I have to keep standing in the line of fire and taking the hits dead on?
But one parent then addressed me and said that we have to lead our kids through our own actions and that just putting our foot down doesnt get the right message across. I kinda lost it - said i used to be at that point but after i watched my son overdose and spent months of having EMS in my driveway every two months that changed. I explained that i cant stop my kid from doing anything that he wants to do but in my home I have had to take a stand. I almost started crying during it. The therapist took over at that point and started making statements about how "others" probably wont go through what we did blah blah blah. I felt like the crazy mom in the group and dont feel like i expressed myself well.
I'm a bit embarrased that i let it out that way and my son was upset at me afterwards - he hates it when i talk in group anyway and for me to get so passionate about the subject and make a stand on my rights as a parent made him very uncomfortable. i actually get nothing out of those groups because the majority of the people in there are still in denial and some are just dealing with juvenile delinquents and not true drug addiction.
All this touchy feelie pyschological crap just doesnt work when your dealing with someone who is determined to destroy themself. There are a handful of parents/kids in that group that are in the same boat as my son but there is an air of denial from most of the rest and they are only there because its court ordered. Siitting down and talking to my son will do nothing at this point - when he hears this stuff in group then he uses it as a tool against me when i take a stand on something.
I dont know what i'm saying here - i guess i just have that morning after feeling of dread that I made a fool of myself. I realize that i still have a lot of anger towards my son and that was the first time i had let it out. For me I need to let it out but it will do me no good to say these things to my AS because he wont hear me. I'm so very hurt and as a parent i'm supposed to keep quiet and not rock the boat because he's so fragile right now. I just feel like "everything" is always about the "addict" and our feelings are supposed to be tucked away neatly and never exposed - dont make the addict feel guilty - tiptoe around the truth. I'm a human being too - why does he get to be shielded from the pain while I have to keep standing in the line of fire and taking the hits dead on?
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((winnie))
I've said it before and I'll say it again, this mom stuff is NOT for weenies.
I have not had experience with drug court or group therapy. I have had experience with setting and maintaining boundaries in my home. They were not well received, especially when I decided to (1) be the parent again (2) regain control of my home and (3) enforce those boundaries.
My kid was not a happy camper for awhile. Apparently I was "cramping his style". It was "very inconsiderate of me" to be upset when he had 75 firends over for a party when I was out of town. I was "overreacting" when I found drug paraphenalia in my home.
SO he lived with his dad for a while until his dad figured out what was going on. Then Dad and I (many years divorced) had a meeting and we came together as parents. A united front, so to speak. And we each told him our version of this:
I love you so much
You are so smart
and I know you're going to find your way.
And we got out of the front row while he continued to self destruct awhile longer.
Winnie, it's not easy. I hate those emotional hangovers the next day when I second guess myself about what I said and could have said etc etc. Now, I look at the situation and will make an amend if necessary. More often than not, my message was good, but it could have been delivered in a kinder, gentler manner.
"Say what you mean, mean what you say but don't say it mean." (thanks Hangin in)
Mom hugs,
Cats
I've said it before and I'll say it again, this mom stuff is NOT for weenies.
I have not had experience with drug court or group therapy. I have had experience with setting and maintaining boundaries in my home. They were not well received, especially when I decided to (1) be the parent again (2) regain control of my home and (3) enforce those boundaries.
My kid was not a happy camper for awhile. Apparently I was "cramping his style". It was "very inconsiderate of me" to be upset when he had 75 firends over for a party when I was out of town. I was "overreacting" when I found drug paraphenalia in my home.
SO he lived with his dad for a while until his dad figured out what was going on. Then Dad and I (many years divorced) had a meeting and we came together as parents. A united front, so to speak. And we each told him our version of this:
I love you so much
You are so smart
and I know you're going to find your way.
And we got out of the front row while he continued to self destruct awhile longer.
Winnie, it's not easy. I hate those emotional hangovers the next day when I second guess myself about what I said and could have said etc etc. Now, I look at the situation and will make an amend if necessary. More often than not, my message was good, but it could have been delivered in a kinder, gentler manner.
"Say what you mean, mean what you say but don't say it mean." (thanks Hangin in)
Mom hugs,
Cats
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(((Winnie)))
I hate the guilt/embarrassment hangover too. But I've learned I shouldn't feel that way if its how I feel in my heart. But I slip at times.
They asked you to be there, then be there in earnest, and with honesty.
One of the pitfalls I still run into is trying to figure out what I'm "supposed" to do or feel or say. Having no perfect answer, I choose to stay true to me.
I matter too
Its not all about what others want
If I can't "feel"...the what else do I have?
I'm walking right with you (((Win))) taking my life back step by step.
(((Hugs)))
I hate the guilt/embarrassment hangover too. But I've learned I shouldn't feel that way if its how I feel in my heart. But I slip at times.
They asked you to be there, then be there in earnest, and with honesty.
One of the pitfalls I still run into is trying to figure out what I'm "supposed" to do or feel or say. Having no perfect answer, I choose to stay true to me.
I matter too
Its not all about what others want
If I can't "feel"...the what else do I have?
I'm walking right with you (((Win))) taking my life back step by step.
(((Hugs)))
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((((Winnie)))
I'm sorry you're feeling the "emotional hangover" this morning and that the group therapy isn't really helping you. For what it's worth, though, I totally understand your point and agree with you.
The parents that are in denial just don't get it yet. Unfortunately, at some point down the road, they are going to realize what you are going through. At that time, they are going to remember what you said and think "okay, NOW I understand what she was talking about and she was right!!!" I know that doesn't make you feel any better NOW, but it's usually the way things work out.
I'm not a mom, much less a mom of an addict hell-bent on destroying himself, so I can't imagine what you are going through. I do know, however, that you are one helluva good mom to both of your kids.
Sending you lots and lots of hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm sorry you're feeling the "emotional hangover" this morning and that the group therapy isn't really helping you. For what it's worth, though, I totally understand your point and agree with you.
The parents that are in denial just don't get it yet. Unfortunately, at some point down the road, they are going to realize what you are going through. At that time, they are going to remember what you said and think "okay, NOW I understand what she was talking about and she was right!!!" I know that doesn't make you feel any better NOW, but it's usually the way things work out.
I'm not a mom, much less a mom of an addict hell-bent on destroying himself, so I can't imagine what you are going through. I do know, however, that you are one helluva good mom to both of your kids.
Sending you lots and lots of hugs and prayers!
Amy
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i think what really bothers me the most is the counselor. even my son thinks she has the worst groups of everyone. she actually tried to say in one group that you can overdose on pot. now i dont want my kid smoking pot but i have seen no evidence that you can od on it - lets get real and give honest info to these kids.
she has the tools she was taught in school and i dont think she realizes that some of the general guidance she is giving isnt what these kids need to hear. she also is one of those that tries to agree with every side - i get we should see other sides but sometimes with this type of kid you have to be a bit tougher.
For example we were talking about thinks that hurt communication. one parent said that texting or answering the phone during a conversation hurts communication - duh. One kid chimes up that his phone calls may not be important to his mom but they are to him and we need to respect that. The counselor tried to show us how each person had a valid point. Come on - when a kid is having an important conversation with there parent there is no excuse to pick up the phone or text during it. Sure she is trying to get parents to see things from their kids point of view but we're not dealing with normal healthy teen angst here. I can say to my son "when you answer the phone while i'm trying to talk to you it makes me feel like you dont find what i say important" or i can say "get off the phone until we're done talking." sorry but i'm going for the latter statement at this point.
she has the tools she was taught in school and i dont think she realizes that some of the general guidance she is giving isnt what these kids need to hear. she also is one of those that tries to agree with every side - i get we should see other sides but sometimes with this type of kid you have to be a bit tougher.
For example we were talking about thinks that hurt communication. one parent said that texting or answering the phone during a conversation hurts communication - duh. One kid chimes up that his phone calls may not be important to his mom but they are to him and we need to respect that. The counselor tried to show us how each person had a valid point. Come on - when a kid is having an important conversation with there parent there is no excuse to pick up the phone or text during it. Sure she is trying to get parents to see things from their kids point of view but we're not dealing with normal healthy teen angst here. I can say to my son "when you answer the phone while i'm trying to talk to you it makes me feel like you dont find what i say important" or i can say "get off the phone until we're done talking." sorry but i'm going for the latter statement at this point.
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i actually get nothing out of those groups because the majority of the people in there are still in denial and some are just dealing with juvenile delinquents and not true drug addiction.
This was my same experience with group therapy!
There was one juvenile in particular who would essentially hijack the whole danged session with his whining and his parents would coddle him and it was just maddening. This happened time and time again.
I also have no idea how I got the individual counselor assigned to us, but the ONE time my parents came up (mind you, I was driving 140 miles, twice a week for group therapy, while working full time), who are untreated codependents and were a huge part of the problem, were allowed to sit there and pick apart my parenting skills. I was allowed no recourse, but the counselor sat and agreed with them and asked how I could implement what they thought should change. Meanwhile my then 14 year old just sat there pleased as punch that things were going so well her way!
Do NOT feel bad for how you feel or what you said. You are doing what you need to do, and you do understand your son's addiction.
Sometimes it's a lonely world when you're thrown in with a bunch of people in denial. I know how that is! :ghug :ghug
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Thank you all. i just talked to our court counselor who wasnt there last night. She completely understands my side - says everyone there is in such a different place and that no one is in my situation of waiting till the residential treatment kicks in. But she says "you have to hold it together for two more weeks - its hard and i know you and your daughter arent allowed right now to express your own feelings but keep it together." most of all she said "you know what you have to do right now and you can do it." she is wonderful - i wish she had been there last night - she would have stopped me and just said lets talk about this alone.
I'm tired of being strong and i'm tired of not having another parent to help me through this. Oh my other joyful thing was that at 3:00 a.m. my sons AD calls me wanting to know why his son hasnt been calling him. wtf makes him think its okay to call me at 3:00a.m. to talk about something that is completely out of my control. i was so PO'd especially since i know that there is no reason he would do that unless he was blasted out of his mind.
I'm tired of being strong and i'm tired of not having another parent to help me through this. Oh my other joyful thing was that at 3:00 a.m. my sons AD calls me wanting to know why his son hasnt been calling him. wtf makes him think its okay to call me at 3:00a.m. to talk about something that is completely out of my control. i was so PO'd especially since i know that there is no reason he would do that unless he was blasted out of his mind.
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Oh Winnie. I am sorry that you are going through all of this.
I suspect this group leader is not a parent of a teen, let alone a teen with compromized health and a serious life threatening addiction to substances.
I read your original post a few times and walked away with something else....
your son hates it when you talk during group.....that alone would keep me talking. So many will do anything to avoid having the focus be on them and their addiction and the impact it has had on their families. It's a part of the denial thing. He wants you to be anti-group, too.
Keep on talking. Maybe the group leader and the group will learn something from you and maybe you might walk away with some new strategies, too.
Remember take what you need and leave the rest...
I suspect this group leader is not a parent of a teen, let alone a teen with compromized health and a serious life threatening addiction to substances.
I read your original post a few times and walked away with something else....
your son hates it when you talk during group.....that alone would keep me talking. So many will do anything to avoid having the focus be on them and their addiction and the impact it has had on their families. It's a part of the denial thing. He wants you to be anti-group, too.
Keep on talking. Maybe the group leader and the group will learn something from you and maybe you might walk away with some new strategies, too.
Remember take what you need and leave the rest...
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Originally Posted by winnie12 
Oh my other joyful thing was that at 3:00 a.m. my sons AD calls me wanting to know why his son hasnt been calling him. wtf makes him think its okay to call me at 3:00a.m. to talk about something that is completely out of my control. i was so PO'd especially since i know that there is no reason he would do that unless he was blasted out of his mind.
What things can you do to protect your serenity?
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I have caller id and only answered because i thought something may be wrong with family - a logical person would only call in the middle of the night if it was an emergency not to chat. some day i'll learn and i'll never answer his calls after 10:00 p.m. which in my life is the time i cut off phone calls. If it is an emergency it'll have to wait till morning becuase that line has now been crossed.
My serenity? right now i'm at a loss. i hate to think of the future but right now i'm just taking comfort in the fact that i only have 18 more days of this supression. My daughter feels the same way - she loves her brother with all her heart but she prefers it when its just she and i and that is a wonderfully comforting thought - soon we'll have our peace back. if he fails at rehab then he goes to jail so one way or another he wont be living with us for quite a while. I'm just trying to hold on - the countdown is on.
My serenity? right now i'm at a loss. i hate to think of the future but right now i'm just taking comfort in the fact that i only have 18 more days of this supression. My daughter feels the same way - she loves her brother with all her heart but she prefers it when its just she and i and that is a wonderfully comforting thought - soon we'll have our peace back. if he fails at rehab then he goes to jail so one way or another he wont be living with us for quite a while. I'm just trying to hold on - the countdown is on.
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Originally Posted by winnie12
I have caller id and only answered because i thought something may be wrong with family - a logical person would only call in the middle of the night if it was an emergency not to chat. some day i'll learn and i'll never answer his calls after 10:00 p.m. which in my life is the time i cut off phone calls. If it is an emergency it'll have to wait till morning becuase that line has now been crossed.
My serenity? right now i'm at a loss. i hate to think of the future but right now i'm just taking comfort in the fact that i only have 18 more days of this supression. My daughter feels the same way - she loves her brother with all her heart but she prefers it when its just she and i and that is a wonderfully comforting thought - soon we'll have our peace back. if he fails at rehab then he goes to jail so one way or another he wont be living with us for quite a while. I'm just trying to hold on - the countdown is on.
My serenity? right now i'm at a loss. i hate to think of the future but right now i'm just taking comfort in the fact that i only have 18 more days of this supression. My daughter feels the same way - she loves her brother with all her heart but she prefers it when its just she and i and that is a wonderfully comforting thought - soon we'll have our peace back. if he fails at rehab then he goes to jail so one way or another he wont be living with us for quite a while. I'm just trying to hold on - the countdown is on.
February will be a better.
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I just started a 6 week session for family/friends of people in rehab. Its run by the same organization that handles the rehab (both inpatient and outpatient programs).
Its all about how the family can help themselves and see how their own behaviours (enabling, fighting, etc) can hinder the addicts recovery.
Its a great program, but that's mainly because none of the addicts are there! Everyone can speak their mind without having the addict pipe up with their two cents. And considering that one of the first lessons taught to us was that a recently recovered addict still isn't capable of seeing other people's points of view (takes months apparently), I can't imagine how group therapy would function with a roomful of stressed out parents and edgy addicts in recovery.
Its all about how the family can help themselves and see how their own behaviours (enabling, fighting, etc) can hinder the addicts recovery.
Its a great program, but that's mainly because none of the addicts are there! Everyone can speak their mind without having the addict pipe up with their two cents. And considering that one of the first lessons taught to us was that a recently recovered addict still isn't capable of seeing other people's points of view (takes months apparently), I can't imagine how group therapy would function with a roomful of stressed out parents and edgy addicts in recovery.
Last edited by OhBrother; 01-15-2009 at 09:47 AM. Reason: typos
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Oh and Winnie, I also had too many late night phone calls from the sister ("I lost my purse and the rent is due tomorrow!!".
Thankfully none since she started rehab, but I still turn my phone off at 11 now. I realize I might miss a genuine 3am emergency, but 99% of the time its nothing I can do anything about in the middle of the night, so at least now I sleep better!
Thankfully none since she started rehab, but I still turn my phone off at 11 now. I realize I might miss a genuine 3am emergency, but 99% of the time its nothing I can do anything about in the middle of the night, so at least now I sleep better!
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Originally Posted by winnie12
I can say to my son "when you answer the phone while i'm trying to talk to you it makes me feel like you dont find what i say important" or i can say "get off the phone until we're done talking." sorry but i'm going for the latter statement at this point.
You're fighting for all your lives and I hope you find a way to work through the anger and frustration.
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I don't know if I am allowed to put this on here, but I wanted to give you some info that helped me tremendously. Our counseling center has a group called the Loved ones group and they have a DVD that is worth its weight in gold. It is a seven part series in which all aspects of addiction is covered. Just a thought. Please PM me if you want the details
Gotahavfaith
Gotahavfaith
Last edited by greeteachday; 01-15-2009 at 09:26 PM. Reason: deleted the reference to commercial site
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"More often than not, my message was good, but it could have been delivered in a kinder, gentler manner."
I suffer from this affliction also, Cats. I tend to BLOW after a certain point. This time around (yesterday) I only felt guilty for about 1/2 hour.
Winnie, with any child, addicted or not, WE tend to think about something we said or did waaay more than they ever do. We are still stewing over it when they have long forgotten what we even said. Don't beat yourself up sister. Hang in there, like you were told, for 2 weeks. We're with ya, girl.
I suffer from this affliction also, Cats. I tend to BLOW after a certain point. This time around (yesterday) I only felt guilty for about 1/2 hour.
Winnie, with any child, addicted or not, WE tend to think about something we said or did waaay more than they ever do. We are still stewing over it when they have long forgotten what we even said. Don't beat yourself up sister. Hang in there, like you were told, for 2 weeks. We're with ya, girl.
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Thank you all for always being here for me.
Outtolunch - i did find something for my serenity today. Bath & Bodyworks had a bunch of things 75% off so my daughter and i went and bought ourselves some treats. i bought some of my favorite scented oils and the house smells heavenly right now (which is always a nice change when you live with a cat a dog and two kids). I also bought the most expensive chocolate cake they had at the bakery - its so beautiful I hate to even cut it (but I most certainly will). so little things that have nothing to do with anything important but we sure did have fun and it feels good to spoil myself just a little bit.
Outtolunch - i did find something for my serenity today. Bath & Bodyworks had a bunch of things 75% off so my daughter and i went and bought ourselves some treats. i bought some of my favorite scented oils and the house smells heavenly right now (which is always a nice change when you live with a cat a dog and two kids). I also bought the most expensive chocolate cake they had at the bakery - its so beautiful I hate to even cut it (but I most certainly will). so little things that have nothing to do with anything important but we sure did have fun and it feels good to spoil myself just a little bit.
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Winnie, you are always so helpfull when you are telling someone what you think by your answers I know you have been though everything. You tell it like you see it and lived it. Don't feel bad about what you said at the meeting you sound like your the only one their that know what they are doing. Some day those parents will tell you that you were right all along.
Praying for you and your family,
Maggie
Praying for you and your family,
Maggie
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What a shame that the group therapies seem to be so ineffective! When my BFs son was in what they call IOP (Intensive Out Patient), it seemed to be more of a way for him to learn about other c*** he could pull to manipulate his family. I wonder if they are all like this?
Don't feel bad about your venting....secretly you probably made the day of some of the other parents.
Good luck with the count down! I'm praying for you are yours!
HG
Don't feel bad about your venting....secretly you probably made the day of some of the other parents.
Good luck with the count down! I'm praying for you are yours!
HG
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