krhea75

Well, my AS has been home from jail for about 2 weeks. He does seem to be different. More considerate, kinder. I was and am very wary of the long term benefits of this jail term, but I'm trying to take it as it comes. On the dark side, he still is hanging out with old friends. On the good side, he seems to be breaking from them a bit, sometimes ignoring their phone calls. He still thinks he doesn't need AA, so that's a red flag, but I haven't detected any drug/alcohol use.

I've almost been afraid to post this, thinking I might curse the whole situation. Isn't that silly? We've had some good talks and some good mom-son time. What I'm trying to decide now is whether to send him back to community college this semester. He failed 2 out of 3 classes last semester. I talked to his old counselor at rehab, and he suggested we send him anyway. He said any money that we invest in education is never wasted. He is still working at fast-food and his counselor said that a kid with his brains needs to have more in his life.

What do you all think? Should I risk the money and send him to school, or should I show him that there are further consequences to not following his commitments? My ex paid for his schooling last semester, and said he won't do it again, so it would be up to me. I am also helping my older son with his tuition.

Any input would be helpful.
Krhea

winnie12

I think he should have some if not all financial responsibility for his education. If he is paying something towards it he is going to take it more seriously. if its you doing it then if he fails or drops out he hasnt really lost anything - where's the incentive to do well if you have nothing to loose. Things we earn ourselves we work harder at. If its not important enough for him to make any effort to pay even a portion of it then i wouldnt waste my money. Most importantly is this something he wants to do, if he's just going to college because that's what you want for him then I wouldnt even pursue it. I ask this becuase you talked about you "sending" him to college instead of saying he wants to go to college - that's a big deciding factor to me.

for my own kids - I wont pay for them to go to college if they dont have a B average. If they get a B average in Georgia they can go to a state school under the hope scholarship - they still have other expenses and in that case i would help financially. My daughter will probably want more than than the hope scholorship pays and i'll be happy to help her as much as i can since she's an A student.

For my son - he's probably going to have to get a GED. He's wanting to go to Job Corp so he can learn a skill, its free, and in some locations they can live there in a sober environment. If he choses something that cost money he'll have to pay every dime himself.

I am even setting up trust in my life insurance specifically stating these guidelines because i feel very strongly about it. I dont want any money being wasted on someone that doesnt care or isnt willing to work hard for what they want.

Impurrfect

I have to agree with Anvil...has HE asked about school? Done any checking on getting grants or financial aid? If you DO pay for his schooling, I would start him out with one class, only and see how it goes.

Education IS important but it's not something you owe him. There's nothing wrong with waiting to see what his actions show, before making a decision.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

marle

My daughter is more serious about things nowadays because it is her money paying for them. She wants to go back to college next fall. If she does not relapse she will have more than a year clean. But she is footing the entire bill herself. If your son really wants it then he can wait until fall and save the money or apply for financial aid himself. I found that when things were made too easy for my daughter by me, she didn't have to take responsibility for whether she failed or not. Why throw good money after bad is the way I think nowadays. Hugs, Marle

hello-kitty

Part of me thinks if he can find money to buy drugs, he can find money for community college... but that's just me being snarky.

It's up to you mom. He's over 18 right? has he even tried to pay for it on his own? Has he gone to the bank to try taking out a loan? There are lots of options out there to pay for school if kids want it bad enough. Mom and dad are always options... probably the easiest ones.

atalose

What does HE want to do about school? Has he even mentioned it, said he wanted to go back?

He doesn’t seem committed at all to HIS own recovery, not if he’s hanging out with the same crowd and not involved in any recovery program.

So why would he commit to school?

Freedom1990

I walked away from a college education, funded mostly by my parents, along with a partial academic scholarship, at age 18, and my parents got stuck with the bill for the entire semester because I didn't even have the decency to properly withdraw from my classes.

I have taken college classes over the years here and there, with the help of Pell grants and loans, no one else is footing the bill for me. Now I am enrolled full-time, and Vocational Rehabilitation is helping me because I signed a contract with them, and I have disabilities. The only expense they paid was my books the first semester. It looks like my Pell grants will cover expenses throughout until graduation.

Today I appreciate what effort I have had to put forth to finally get my college education, and I want that college education badly.

Your son will not appreciate what he has not had to work for.

I have watched my youngest AD really blossom the last 6 months. She works hard. Every penny she has goes to her car payments, and her insurance payments. Any left over she buys her personal needs like clothing and toiletries. She does it all on her own.

Now that she sees working in fast food is not the life that she wants, she has scheduled to take her practice tests for her GED, and will enroll in cosmetology school in the spring.

Life experience can be a great motivator.

Jody Hepler

My one alcoholic son was 3 years sober (good program through AA, daily meetings, sponsor, etc.) when he graduated from high school and didn't want to go to college right away. Said he didn't want to deal with most of the kids drinking - and that he needed to learn to stay sober while being "out in the world". So he worked at some low-level jobs and bought himself a car for two years. Then went to a technical school part-time (on loans and Pell grant) and worked.

Fast forward: He is 25 years sober - and is working on his second master's - fully paid by the company he works for.

My other sober son never graduated from high school - has dabbled in college - and today is a very successful general contractor. He is very bright and could go to school, but he loves working outdoors.

If they stay sober - and work a program - anything is possible. And their education will happen - if they decide that's what they want.

Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler

Spiritual Seeker

Commun. college is usually relatively inexpensive. I have to agree with some of what I read above. Let him spend this time to figure out how to be ready to enroll in summer or Fall classes. Or just take one class now.

I have a friend who has a recovering addict son. He only reimburses him for any classes
he passes.

Glad to hear that your son is making progress in the right direction !!!

greeteachday

I threw away a lot of money on tuition when my daughter was majoring in parties. Pulled the plug and suggested working until she figured out what she wanted. We always told her if she went back to school and was serious, we would try to help her in some way if her actions proved it worthwhile. Well it took her 6 years and a now solid recovery, but she went back on grants and loans. Occasionally she will ask for a loan til next pay day to cover some of the rent since she is working full time, living alone and going to school - but she really wants to do this on her own. She is proud of her ability to suceed without help and it has boosted her self confidence immensely.

So I tend to agree with those who suggest that he speak with the financial aid office at the school and show you whether college is really what he wants right now.

ZombieWife

I have to agree with a lot that's been said here already. Does he want to go? The way the post sounds it's like you are just "sending him off to school" whether he wants to go or not.

Does he have a life plan? A degree plan?

If he's "undeclared," I wouldn't put a dime into it. He needs to figure out his future, figure out what he wants to do, see an adviser, outline courses he needs to take to get to that goal.

If he has a drug-related felony, he will never be able to get pell grants or state/federal grants. But, he might be able to get student loans.

It just seems like he thinks he has all the answers: I don't need AA. I can do this/that by myself. I can hang out with people who I got high/drunk/stoned with and everything will be ok. For how long?

Ann

Wow, eye opener for me. I was about to post that perhaps I might pay half, AFTER he comes up with the other half.

But I think the others posting above me here are right, the desire should come from him and if he has the desire, then he will find a way to fund it.

I am glad he seems to be doing better and that you and he have had some good talks and quality time together. This may or may not last forever, but nobody can take away those good moments in time.

Big Hugs from a mama who is still learning too.:ghug3

krhea75

Yikes,
You guys burned my butt! Yes, I was getting sucked in to his plans. He does want to go back to school, but he really has no idea what he wants to do. Yes, he does think he can do this on his own, but I was getting hopeful that he had learned a lesson. The community college isn't very expensive, so I could afford it. But he doesn't want to invest any of his money into it. I told him last night if he would put in $50 this paycheck and $50 next paycheck, than I would help him with the rest. He didn't act like that was a good idea! So we'll see what happens. I think that will be my deal breaker. If he doesn't contribute, no college. Thanks. You all talked me down.
krhea

hello-kitty

I think you came up with a really good answer. I'm sorry he chose not to take you up on it. Hope he changes his mind. I know I funded the majority of my own college education. I went to community college for two years - paid for it with a part time job. I lived at home with my parents and they covered my living expenses. Then I went to university and again, took out loans and got grants while my parents contributed to my books and my living expenses. After I graduated, they helped me pay off some of my loans as a graduation present - but not all of them. I am proud to say I earned my degree. It taught me responsibility. The work ethic I developed while in school sure came in handy after I graduated. I also think that after I decided to get off drugs I was able to pull from my work ethic and sense of responsibility to find the personal inner strength to recover from crack addiction. I knew I had it in me to be successful if I could just put down that crack pipe.

Jewelz

krhea,

how old is your son?

krhea75

My son is 18, almost 19 with the mentality of 13.
krhea

ZombieWife

Well, the thing is, why is he interested in school if he had no idea what he wants to do? I'd need some kind of reassurance and plan. Something in writing. Something on paper. If he just shrugs and doesn't know, then he apparently has time to think about it. If he went now w/o all that direction, he might not consider it a priority since he's not working toward a definite goal.

Sometimes, coming up with a life goal/path can be really difficult. As weird as it sounds, he should take one of those occupation aptitude tests or whatnot--to show what he might enjoy doing for a living.

But, you also stated that he's not yet 20. Could be that "having a plan" and wanting to work toward that plan isn't cool for him right now. We all go through those phases. But, there is a time to grow up. I wouldn't waste a dime on his college. If he had gotten financial aid and failed like you said he did, they would put him on academic probation. He would have to go for a semester, paying for his own classes to prove that he really wants to go and is ready to get good grades. Most schools have that system in place. Sounds like it might be a good idea for you too.

He has to really want it, else it's just wasting time (his and yours,) and YOUR money on top of it. This is coming from someone who wasted her parent's time as a youngster because I had no direction in life when I was younger.

littlebird77

I would NOT pay for his school. For myself I did not go to school quickly after I graduated high-school. When I went to school later on, I took it more seriously because I was going for myself and no one else. (I was 24 when I went and graduated on deans list) I applied for financial aid, scholarships, and grants. It has only been two weeks, there is so much to do before school.

pegasus

Hello, like the other posters. I agree that you should wait to see where his head is at. If he is unsure of what he wants to do perhaps he could make an appointment at the admissions office with a guidance counsillor. He can go through the programs that they offer and perhaps find one that interests him. On another note. if he is working, what does he do with his paychecks. Do you see any of it in any form, rent, groceries does he buy his own necessities? When he sees how much of his paycheck goes to these things it might make him realize that without some kind of degree or trade he will always be living from paycheck to paycheck and want better for himself. Just a thought.

bluebelle

If he wants it enough, he can get the money together and figure out his plan. I'm going back to school. I'm working 40 hours and taking one class. I got a job at a place that will pay for my schooling. In 6 months, they'll start paying, so I'll get my classes for free. I'll take one class at a time for awhile. Once I get done with my pre-reqs, I'll go back to school full time for 2 years. I'll get a scholarship, or I'll take out loans. My employer will help pay back the loans. That's my plan. I came up with it on my own. He can do that same thing--if he really wants it. I'd let him pay for the schooling. He can take one class at a time. If he shows a pattern of making good grades, then you could help him pay for classes. Let him do all the leg work himself. We've been through that with my oldest stepdaughter. We've helped her register, helped her get approval to take classes again (after failing out a semester), paid for classes, etc. Do you think she stuck with it? Not at all. You son is smart. He can figure it all out for himself--if that's what he wants.