justtired

Hi everyone. I just want to say that everyone here seems so helpful and I've learned a lot just reading about what others of you have been through. I'm just looking for some thoughts and viewpoints of others who have experience dealing with a loved one with addiction. I have been with my BF for almost 9 years and throughout that time we've had years of good and a few major pitfalls.... twice due to alcohol and now, very recently with pain med abuse. The thing is that he admits to having had a problem. Admits that he 'was' an alcoholic and knows that he still can't drink and he 'was' out of control with the pain meds, but only because he wasn't trying to control them. He is now functioning better and I wouldn't even notice anything is wrong, except that the recent experience has made me open my eyes a bit to the lying. Anyway, he is seeing a psychiatrist who knows the problem and who is trying to help him see it. Our life has gone through so much turmoil due to addiction and I'm just tired of it. We've been together for a long time and own a business together and, of course, I love him. I know that he is planning on proposing and I am stuck in this place of... will he get better? Will he eventually see his problem? Is willpower enough for some people? Is him seeing the psychiatrist enough? His Psychiatric said in an email once to me that "nobody is too dumb for recovery, but some people can be too smart for it". I feel like this might be the case. He is SO intelligent and is successful in everything he does that he believes he can fix anything himself. I'm just trying to sort my feelings and get thoughts as I need to decide what to do from here. I am grateful for any feedback, thoughts, advice etc that anyone has to offer. Thank you!

cassandra2

The doc wasnt saying smart as in intelligence. The doc meant that being smart ie: denial, addicts thinking they have the control over their DOC, addicts thinking they know what to do and how to do it etc. I am sure you have heard the saying "too smart for your own good" thats kinda what the dr meant. And either your in denial or your not.

I would sit back and watch his actions. They will tell you if he is to smart or if he admits his powerlessness over his DOC and alcohol.

I want to warn though this will NOT be an overnight process. This will take time, time, and more time. He didnt become an addict overnight and he sure isnt going to get better overnight either.....

Time will reveal all things.

justtired

Thank you very much for the reply. You know, in a way I do think the doc was saying smart as in intelligent. Because he has been smart enough to run a successful business and has succeeded in other arenas, he thinks he can succeed in anything, including controlling his addiction (on his own). I know that time will tell, but I also kind of feel the clock ticking. I'm 31 years old and I want a family. I don't want to leave him, but I'm afraid that he'll never admit that he IS an addict and IS and alcoholic. I guess I just feel lost. Like I need to make a decision, but I can't make a decision without knowing what the future holds and I can't wait to see what the future holds because I don't want life to pass me by and end up not having what I want in life. He tells me that he'll do anything I want to make our relationship work. But I told him that he can't fix something that he can't see is wrong. In his mind, he is getting help by talking to the psychiatrist, but it's not truly getting help for addiction if he goes in saying he's not an addict. I'm just so frustrated...

ToughChoices

Oh, for a crystal ball.
I wanted one, too.

We can't know what the future holds, but we can make educated guesses.

Active addicts/alcoholics make unreliable spouses, unavailable parents, and unapproachable friends. The life that you have envisioned, that you have always dreamed of, will be incredibly difficult to achieve with an addict partner who does not choose recovery.

And there is nothing you can do to bring him to recovery. It is entirely within his grasp and outside of yours.

Hugs and prayers for you. I know it's tough.

-TC

justtired

Oh, for a crystal ball.
I wanted one, too.

Did you have to make this decision also (your name tells me you probably did)? If so, can I ask how you came to that decision?

Because he tells me that he'll do anything to make it work, I in a way feel like I'M the one NOT making it work. I kind of feel like since I'd be the one leaving, that I am failing the relationship. How can you possibly break the heart of someone you love when they can't see the problem? He tells me that if I leave because I'm afraid that he still has problems with addiction, that I will regret it in the future because I'll see that I was wrong.

ToughChoices

5 years into my marriage my husband told me that he "had a problem" with alcohol. I was blindsided. He had hidden his drinking for several years.

The last year and a half have been an unbelievable journey of discovery.
My husband's alcoholism progresses, in spite of his attempts to control it.

He, too, sees a psychiatrist and insists that his drinking problem is a thing of the past. He, too, is an intelligent and good man who I love very much. But, he cannot take responsibility for his addiction, and he denies the ill effects to his health, his job, and his family.

My four year-old son and I moved out in September to escape the random drunkenness. We have a peaceful, lovely, sober home. We see P one night a week, but sometimes he can't manage to stay sober for that night.

I fell in love with a wonderful man - I still love a wonderful man. But, today, my partner is erratic, self-absorbed, absent, and depressed. This is textbook alcoholism. It will not improve until he decides to change. And that doesn't seem like it will be happening anytime soon.

I am not bitter or angry, but I do know what life with active alcoholism looks like - and it's not what I signed on for on my wedding day or what I thought I was getting when we decided to start a family.

Just something to think about.
Take care.
-TC

ToughChoices

Only time will tell if his problems with drugs and alcohol are truly a thing of the past.

What if you were to say something along the lines of, "I love you. I want a life with you. I am willing to discuss marriage, kids, etc... when you have 1 year of sobriety."?

There's nothing to say that you can't see him in the meantime.
Are you happy with your relationship today? What brings you here?

If you're uncertain about his ability to remain sober, the best thing may be to step back and watch him be sober for awhile. It's easy for him to SAY he'll do anything - it's much more difficult to actually DO it. I've heard all manner of promises, reassurances, and solemn oaths. The actions don't match up.

Actions are what count.

-TC

justtired

I already know that they aren't a thing of the past. Perhaps the alcohol as he hasn't really drank in the last couple of years. Tried shooting dart league...came home drunk a few nights and I think he realized he couldn't do it. Although he said that he just didn't like that scene anymore. The meds are not a thing of the past. I've caught him lying recently, but of course I'm the one who's wrong and he swears he isn't lying.


What if you were to say something along the lines of, "I love you. I want a life with you. I am willing to discuss marriage, kids, etc... when you have 1 year of sobriety."?

Because he doesn't think he has a problem and hides it from me, I wouldn't know when 1 year of sobriety even would be. He's not at a point to be sober because he won't give up the pain meds. He believes (and maybe he's right) that he needs them.


Are you happy with your relationship today? What brings you here?

No, I'm not happy with our relationship today. We have no intimate life, no social life, no life really whatsoever. He blames a lot of that on the business we run together (which doesn't help) and on "health problems". I've just recently figured out that his "ibs" is withdrawl. Took me a while to catch on to that.


If you're uncertain about his ability to remain sober, the best thing may be to step back and watch him be sober for awhile.

If he's still on the medications for pain management, what are the chances he's going to remain sober for long? I'm guessing not long. He was going to "prove" to me that he could take them right. Told the psychiatrist that he would put them out in a clear container so I could see exactly what he was doing. And lo and behold, not even a week later his knee starting hurting so badly that he needed to take more.

He claims he's taking them right. But I know he's not. If I didn't count, most of the time I wouldn't even know.

Impurrfect

My stepmom has chronic pain, and takes pain meds. I've watched her, over the last year, become addicted to them. Last month, after 100 pain pills a month, wasn't enough, she was getting more from a friend. When THAT wasn't enough, she got a prescription from this friend, tried to get it filled and it was fraudulent. She was arrested. She is 62 years old.

I live with her and my dad. She swore she would not abuse them, any more, would take them as prescribed, yada yada yada. She just got her meds...90 pills for a month. She WAS going to give them to dad or I and have us dispense them...change in plans. She is guarding them like a pit bull guarding a steak. She is always in pain, if not from one thing, it's another.

I'm a recovering crack addict, and have abused opiates. I see red flags all over the place, but am detaching from this situation, as I cannot help anyone who does not want help. I see a lot of the same behavior with your boyfriend. Even if he is keeping the pills in a clear container, letting you count them, whatever, nothing is going to prevent him from getting pills elsewhere, without you knowing about them. People doctor-shop, they can get them off the internet, they can get them from friends or off the street. Sorry to be so glum, but I've just been through this, and have a coworker, who has done the same thing...while on methadone.

I would go with my gut, and if your gut says he's lying, it doesn't matter what he's telling you. HE doesn't see the problem because he doesn't want to. It's called denial, and it is very, very strong. My stepmom and dad are in it, deep. Her arrest brought them out of it, temporarily, but darned if they aren't right back in it.

I've been dealing with this, with my stepmom for 15 years, and my niece (who we are raising) now thinks that the way to deal with anything is to take a pill...she's 15, and it scare the he!! out of me. Think about if this is what you want to deal with the rest of your life, and who you want to raise a child with.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

justtired

I've been told that a lot of people do worse on pain meds than off. I didn't know much about them until this experience and now it really makes me wonder why docs are even aloud to prescribe them.

Early in the year, after questioning himself if he was becoming addicted, he decided to take it upon himself to not take them for a week. Didn't go in and refill the prescriptions when they were ready just to "prove to himself" that he didn't need them. Well, that week he got in a fender bender, hit his head which was a great excuse to go pick up all his meds, and he then proceeded to take them ALL in a week. Led to him coming home with a bottle of alcohol that he drank half of, dumping a bottle of pills in his mouth and then taking a hand gun out and messing with it. THAT lead to his stay in a 24 hour hold. Anyway, my point in all that was that was that as soon as that happened, his doctor dropped him immediately and he is no longer allowed at that hospital... at all. Amazing to me that the doctor wouldn't at least suggest that he go to someone to get some help. Just dropped him so he had no liability.

Anyway, I don't think he's bought them off the street/internet yet. I know he's gotten them from his mom. I know that at one time he had two different doctors prescribing the same med. I know that as much as I want to trust that he's doing what he says, that he is not. I know this person is not who I want to raise a family with. I just wish the old him would come back. Because I did want to raise a family with HIM.

ToughChoices

This sounds like a seriously dangerous and volatile living situation, justtired.
What can you do to protect yourself from these behaviors?

winnie12

IMHO true intelligence and wisdom is when you realize how little you know. A person capable of being intelligent that doesnt realize that is controlled by ego.

justtired

That's the only time that's ever happened. That was my welcome to his problem. Up until then, I had a feeling something might be going on (he claimed pills were stolen, dropped in the garbage etc.), but I wasn't entirely sure. Luckily that does not happen on a regular basis. I think his body craved so badly that he didn't take them in a "controlled manner" as usual. He got them and downed them and then when he ran out, headed for the liquor. He also is not on the meds that made him be SO out of control.

You know, it's kind of weird actually writing these things out. It makes me feel like I'm talking about a different person. I guess because I still see the "old" him. If stuff like the above happened on a regular basis, I'd have a much easier time leaving I think.

laurie6781

That my dear is the "CARROT OF MANIPULATION."

The longer he can keep you believing 'he is really trying', even doing it 'his way' the longer his nice cushy life stays the same, and the MORE MISERABLE you get.

Please try some AlAnon meetings for YOU.

Love and hugs,

timetogo

My husband has been taking care of his problem "on his own" for over five years now (we have been married for 20, have two beautiful daughters living this hell and he owes thousands). It wasn't always THIS bad but has progressed rapidly in the past eight months, leaving my head spinning.

IMHO "on his own" is impossible for this smart, functioning, wonderful man and he has dragged my daughters and I with him. More importantly, I let him. I am now trying to leave the situation and it is so hard. Thank you TC for your post as you are where I hope to be in a few months from now.

A suggestion to read the stickies at the top -- I found them eye opening and very helpful as I move from my denial to my reality.
Take care of yourself justtired.

justtired

That's a good question. I'm not really sure. The last 5 years has sort of been a blur. We started our business which was stressful by itself. We were both working crazy hours and we both lost a part of ourselves in that. He is also a workaholic and the business is way more important to him than it is to me. Then a couple years ago he was having stomach problems (diagnosed as ibs) and stopped doing things socially at all. He started sitting home all the time. He'd be fine for a couple of weeks, then be so sick that he wouldn't do anything for a week straight. Now that I've been watching his med use, I realize this was actually withdrawal. Which makes me so mad that I felt so bad for him and did tons of research on how to help him. He still believes that's what it is. The last 9 months have been the worst with the use getting out of control. Before the last couple years of med abuse, the "old" him was intermittent. Sometimes I still see the old him. And the person who I see most of the time now is a resemblance of him. But it's sometimes hard to tell what to blame it on... the business, or the substance abuse.

we can never go back. none of us can ever be what we were in the past, anymore than the same flower can bloom twice. life always moves forward.....YOU are not the same either.

This is very true. I think I forgive and forget too easily. Just keep moving forward and block out the bad that's happened and just keep forging ahead... hoping to have what we had in the past. Dumb.

at one time you thought you wanted to have a family with this man....before all the "troubles" started.....take solace in that you DO NOT have a family being dragged thru HIS addiction problem. and it is HIS. solely. it never was and never will be YOURS to solve or fix.

perhaps the hardest thing for us to consider is that even with the BEST of intentions, we may be "accessories" to the crime.....we' stayed, we've tried everything we know of to HELP them, to fix and change them, and they've gotten worse. maybe we are standing in the way of their recovery, impeding progress.......at the very least holding each other back, trying to force each other into yesterday.[/QUOTE]

I'm thinking about this last section a lot. Because right now he assumes that I'll do everything around the house etc. and he sits and works and doesn't have to think at all about "real life". I think I want to go back to what we had during a simpler time, and he wants all the stress and excitement and pressure from running a business. He feels that, because of how he grew up, he has something to prove to the world and to other people. I don't. I just want to live.

justtired

Thank you timetogo. It sounds like we are in similar situations, except that you are unfortunate to have children involved in yours and a marriage. I am not married, but may as well be. I feel like I get fooled so easily. Right now, he is doing pretty well. He is working hard and is being very kind because he is trying to prove that he'll do whatever for us to stay together. It's so hard not to get sucked back in and feel comfortable and feel like maybe things will really be okay.

justtired

Anvilhead, you ask good questions that really make me think. Thank you for that! Must be the honorary cheesehead thing. I am a TRUE cheesehead. Everyone who has responded has made me really think about ME and how I feel which I don't do often. Typically I just think, okay just make it through this and THEN things will be good. I've been doing that for years, being the strong one that HE can rely on. Just make it through this episode with alcohol and then we'll be better. Just make it through the issues with his family and then it will be better. Just make it through the hard times with the business and then it will be better. etc. And it always DOES get better for a short period of time. And then it gets worse again. I think it will keep getting better and worse until he can admit that he needs help with addiction. I just don't know when or if that is going to happen.

Thank you all for being here. It really helps to be able to talk to people who understand. I have a couple friends who I talk to, but they don't really get it. I read other people's posts and I think to myself... why do you stay with them??? And then I try to think of reading my posts as someone else... and I think I'd think the same thing. I don't know if you ever watched the show friends, but sometimes I'd like to be like Rachel in the episode when she let Monica make all of her decisions for her. lol

Impurrfect

I just also wanted to add that going a week or two without pills isn't recovery. My stepmom went a month without them, but was thrilled to get them again. I'm a recovering crack addict and could go months without using, but I still had addict behaviors until I got into recovery.

If he's just doing what he needs to do to impress you, so you will stay together, it won't last. An addict won't stay clean, much less work a good recovery program unless they want it for themself. What he WILL do is build up resentments toward you...then when something goes wrong, he can blame you for everything and go back to using. It's what we addicts do.

He is manipulating you, to get what he wants. Sure, he may go without the pills for a little while, but then you, yourself, said you really don't know when he's actually doing them. You may want to think about this when you feel yourself getting sucked back into the relationship. Do you really want to be dealing with this 6 months down the road, a year from now? It's not going to get any better, in fact it will probably get worse, as he doesn't think he has a problem.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

littlebird77

This is what I am doing, I gave him one year for me to even CONSIDER anything.