Update on son
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
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Update on son
Well, here it is not quite 3 months since my son has been out of prison and now showing signs of "using" once again.
The first sign is not wanting to be part of the family. Isolating himself. Doing nothing all day but holdin up in the room.
Well, that isn't going over well with Mr. Dev and I, so I went over the ground rules again. That worked well!
Now he is "holding" up at the girl's house across the lake. He is like "living there" all week, comes back here on Tuesdays 'cause he's suppose to be goin to anger management meetings.
Last Tuesday we had words and he stormed out of here doing the "yell" thing. Mr. Dev, of course, wasn't here otherwise he never would do that. Later that day he called to yell about something, and I said "maybe I'll just call your Parole Officer and share this with him!" His answer was "GO AHEAD CALL HIM, I WANT YOU TO!" I hung up.
You will not believe it, but within half hour the PO shows up at the door, looking for John because he said they had an appointment.
I called John and, of course, he still had the "attitude" says "WHAT??" I very calmly say, "your PO wants to have a word with you!" LOL Took the wind right out of his sails! He was stunned because he thought for sure I had called him like I said. It couldn't have worked out more perfectly!
Anyway, haven't seen him since, and don't care to. I told the PO he wasn't doing was he was suppose to be doing, and it looks to me like he may be using again. PO was actually "sad" because he said he had high hopes for him. He said, he coudn't believe he would blow it when he has all this, meaning the home and, of course, nice parents. LOL He said he could understand a lot of the others relapsing 'cause they don't have much in their lives, but John has everything, but an excuse!
So, I figure if he doesn't get back on track (it may be too late, if he tests dirty) he will be going back again. Only this next time will be different.
No more phone calls, no letters, no contact! I've already warned him this would happen. And, when he gets out there will be no "nice home" for him to come to! That's it!
I'm proud of myself for one thing and that is, when the gf calls looking for him 'cause he didn't show up there, and I start to go into that "worry" mode, I say to myself, "I can choose to worry, or I can choose not to!" I have chosen not to!
I have done everything all these years to help, but know now that the choices he makes are his and his alone! If he doesn't care about us, there isn't anything I can do. I know he is sick, but so does he know it! Only he can take care of the problem! I'm not lifting one figure to help him do anything!
Hugs, Devastated
The first sign is not wanting to be part of the family. Isolating himself. Doing nothing all day but holdin up in the room.
Well, that isn't going over well with Mr. Dev and I, so I went over the ground rules again. That worked well!
Now he is "holding" up at the girl's house across the lake. He is like "living there" all week, comes back here on Tuesdays 'cause he's suppose to be goin to anger management meetings.
Last Tuesday we had words and he stormed out of here doing the "yell" thing. Mr. Dev, of course, wasn't here otherwise he never would do that. Later that day he called to yell about something, and I said "maybe I'll just call your Parole Officer and share this with him!" His answer was "GO AHEAD CALL HIM, I WANT YOU TO!" I hung up.
You will not believe it, but within half hour the PO shows up at the door, looking for John because he said they had an appointment.
I called John and, of course, he still had the "attitude" says "WHAT??" I very calmly say, "your PO wants to have a word with you!" LOL Took the wind right out of his sails! He was stunned because he thought for sure I had called him like I said. It couldn't have worked out more perfectly!
Anyway, haven't seen him since, and don't care to. I told the PO he wasn't doing was he was suppose to be doing, and it looks to me like he may be using again. PO was actually "sad" because he said he had high hopes for him. He said, he coudn't believe he would blow it when he has all this, meaning the home and, of course, nice parents. LOL He said he could understand a lot of the others relapsing 'cause they don't have much in their lives, but John has everything, but an excuse!
So, I figure if he doesn't get back on track (it may be too late, if he tests dirty) he will be going back again. Only this next time will be different.
No more phone calls, no letters, no contact! I've already warned him this would happen. And, when he gets out there will be no "nice home" for him to come to! That's it!
I'm proud of myself for one thing and that is, when the gf calls looking for him 'cause he didn't show up there, and I start to go into that "worry" mode, I say to myself, "I can choose to worry, or I can choose not to!" I have chosen not to!
I have done everything all these years to help, but know now that the choices he makes are his and his alone! If he doesn't care about us, there isn't anything I can do. I know he is sick, but so does he know it! Only he can take care of the problem! I'm not lifting one figure to help him do anything!
Hugs, Devastated
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Dev, sorry to hear he is not yet ready to take responsibility for his life...
but I am happy to hear that you are doing okay and doing what you need to do for you , and in turn allowing him the gift of his own consequences, they are the great teacher!
Hugs and prayers for you and your family...Grateful
but I am happy to hear that you are doing okay and doing what you need to do for you , and in turn allowing him the gift of his own consequences, they are the great teacher!
Hugs and prayers for you and your family...Grateful
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Hi Dev. I'm sorry about your son. There is no understanding when a recovering addict throws everything away to use. They work so hard to get better, and then they throw it all away to use again. And they full well know what they are doing. You are right - it IS a sickness, but it's nothing we can help them with.
I'm so inspired by your post though. Reviewing our boundaries on a constant basis is a good thing. It's the only thing we CAN do when it comes to someones addiction. Keep us posted.
I'm so inspired by your post though. Reviewing our boundaries on a constant basis is a good thing. It's the only thing we CAN do when it comes to someones addiction. Keep us posted.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Dev)))
I'm sorry HE isn't getting it, but so very proud of you!
He's been given chance after chance, and if he blows it, it's all on him. Now that his parole officer knows he's not following the rules of his parole, it's probably only a matter of time before he goes back.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm sorry HE isn't getting it, but so very proud of you!
He's been given chance after chance, and if he blows it, it's all on him. Now that his parole officer knows he's not following the rules of his parole, it's probably only a matter of time before he goes back.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Westland, Pennsylvania
Posts: 247
We just don't know the answer!
I have read all the post trying to find a way to deal with your son's addictions I have done the same thing trying to find a way to get my son to stop killing himself with the evil drugs. You try not to worry but you do. You don't know the feeling you get when you get the call that your son is dead. This is what happened to me on 11-19-08. I want to know how, when, why. My heart is so empty and this boy was my life I gave birth to him. I tell my self he is in a better place. He is at peace no evil drug dragging him down. These things do not help the feelings you are having the grief is to heavy to bear. We will never know why it was our child that picked this terrible way to die by over dose or killing them selves every day they put this drug into their body.
I am praying for all the addicted and for the family who have to live with it.
Love ya,
Maggie
I am praying for all the addicted and for the family who have to live with it.
Love ya,
Maggie
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Hi Maggie
I am so sorry about your son. It just so happens that my son's birthday is 11-18. My heart goes out to you, Maggie, but was there anything you could have done to stop this terrible trajedy? The answer is NO!
Therefore, we can worry all we want, but if it is his destiny what can we do to change it? I have tried for 30 years and still he will not listen. He is not a child anymore. He wants to be treated like a man. There just coms a time when we have to throw our hands up and say, "I've done all I can, and now it's in God's hands!"
Do you know how many times I have planned a funeral in my mind waiting and wondering where he was and what he was doing?
You're right Maggie, he is in a better place now with no more pain or suffering. Still, I wish the outcome were better.
I pray every minute of every day that our addicts will see the light; but know it is completely out of my control.
My prayers are with you,
Devastated
Therefore, we can worry all we want, but if it is his destiny what can we do to change it? I have tried for 30 years and still he will not listen. He is not a child anymore. He wants to be treated like a man. There just coms a time when we have to throw our hands up and say, "I've done all I can, and now it's in God's hands!"
Do you know how many times I have planned a funeral in my mind waiting and wondering where he was and what he was doing?
You're right Maggie, he is in a better place now with no more pain or suffering. Still, I wish the outcome were better.
I pray every minute of every day that our addicts will see the light; but know it is completely out of my control.
My prayers are with you,
Devastated
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in my own world~
Posts: 1,237
Hi Dev, Glad to see you here but sorry about the circumstances. I feel bad that your son just doesn't get it but your right with saying we can't change them. Maybe his parole officer can talk some sense into him if he isn't using.......treating mom better, respecting bountries....Wasn't he working?? What happened with that. I may have missed something here. My computer is acting up...could be the darn fdreezing weather here in upstate NY....Hugs and smiles to you and I'm glad you have yourself under control....I'm always ready for relapses but just pray they don't happen.. and I'm praying that for you also...Bonnie
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Dev, I am sorry he's on a bad path again but glad to see your recovery shining so brightly. We know we can't control their choices but it would be so nice if they would begin making some good ones just once.
Saying a prayer and giving my son to God's care every morning makes it better for me. I'm sure God can do a better job than I did and I believe He must have a guardian angel or two floating around because taking care of my son is a big big job.
Your son is in my prayers too, Dev, has been for some time.
Love you lots and I'm sending big hugs to you and Mr. Dev because you are good people who have given so much.
Saying a prayer and giving my son to God's care every morning makes it better for me. I'm sure God can do a better job than I did and I believe He must have a guardian angel or two floating around because taking care of my son is a big big job.
Your son is in my prayers too, Dev, has been for some time.
Love you lots and I'm sending big hugs to you and Mr. Dev because you are good people who have given so much.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Hello
You're right Ann, nothing more we can do except pray day and night that one day, hopefully in my life time, he sees the light and begins to make better choices.
Hi Bonnie, yes he started out so well got a job within a couple of days of being out. A great job doing stonework making 20.00 a hour; however, the job was finished (working building new casino) and so the job ended.
Then he went to work a couple of days later building fences, but that ended too. Don't know what the deal there was, but have a feeling he left 'cause he didn't like the job.
I know the PO went across the lake that day to talk to him. Don't know what happened, as John hasn't been home since last week.
Funny, I thought all PO's were suppose to be hateful. If this is so, this one shouldn't be doing this type of work because he was very compassionate and understanding.
Oh well, nothing more I can do or say except maybe, just maybe, he will try a little harder now that the PO has talked to him. I doubt it though 'cause I would have thought he would have come home since then.
Thanks for your prayers,
Hugs, Devastated
Hi Bonnie, yes he started out so well got a job within a couple of days of being out. A great job doing stonework making 20.00 a hour; however, the job was finished (working building new casino) and so the job ended.
Then he went to work a couple of days later building fences, but that ended too. Don't know what the deal there was, but have a feeling he left 'cause he didn't like the job.
I know the PO went across the lake that day to talk to him. Don't know what happened, as John hasn't been home since last week.
Funny, I thought all PO's were suppose to be hateful. If this is so, this one shouldn't be doing this type of work because he was very compassionate and understanding.
Oh well, nothing more I can do or say except maybe, just maybe, he will try a little harder now that the PO has talked to him. I doubt it though 'cause I would have thought he would have come home since then.
Thanks for your prayers,
Hugs, Devastated
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Yes, that's it! I am finally "detaching" myself from my son and his choices! I couldn't exactly figure out why I haven't gotten hysterical yet, but that's it! It's called DETACHING!
Hugs, Devastated
Hugs, Devastated
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You are doing a good job Dev as I will if the time arises but its still sad. Damn~~why can't they get it. I bet its until we completely let go that they don't wake up and smell the roses. Or, do you think its because its a way of life for them now and they can find another way?? I'm really happy to hear that his PO is a nice guy. Maybe some of these men and women out there will actually learn something from these types. Getting into that business has got to be stressful on the PO's and it would be great to see progress in some addicts. Lets hope your son does find his way~~~soon. Hugs, Bonnie
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Originally Posted by devastated 
I couldn't exactly figure out why I haven't gotten hysterical yet, but that's it! It's called DETACHING!
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Hi Winnie, yes, it is really strange when you finally "get it!" It reminds me of the time I quit smoking. I remember when I past the test. It was when I had some really stressful moment pop up and I didn't reach for the cigarette!
This is the same type of thing. Now, when I don't hear from him and the gf calls and says he's not there, I just shug my shoulders and get my mind on something else.
Hi Bonnie: I don't know about that. I do know that if you want recovery bad enough, you'll do it!! His friend was released a year before him and he is doing great. Goes to 6 meetings a week, surrounds himself with only clean people, and loves life again. That's what I was hoping for with my son, but he didn't last very long.
He was here today for a brief moment. Did you ever try to talk to someone as they are walking out the door? That's the way our conversations go. He doesn't want to hear it, and that's that.
He looked well, but can't go by that.
The PO was here again today, but no one was home, including me! He left a note reminding son to go to police dept on wednesday for testing. Can you believe that? He even warns him first!! The man is a saint!
Hugs, Dev
This is the same type of thing. Now, when I don't hear from him and the gf calls and says he's not there, I just shug my shoulders and get my mind on something else.
Hi Bonnie: I don't know about that. I do know that if you want recovery bad enough, you'll do it!! His friend was released a year before him and he is doing great. Goes to 6 meetings a week, surrounds himself with only clean people, and loves life again. That's what I was hoping for with my son, but he didn't last very long.
He was here today for a brief moment. Did you ever try to talk to someone as they are walking out the door? That's the way our conversations go. He doesn't want to hear it, and that's that.
He looked well, but can't go by that.
The PO was here again today, but no one was home, including me! He left a note reminding son to go to police dept on wednesday for testing. Can you believe that? He even warns him first!! The man is a saint!
Hugs, Dev
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Hey dev,
Well, I'm just another mom who has been through this too and am sending you my support and saying some prayers for you all. Your recovery is top notch....I'm so glad that you are able to detach and take proper care of yourself.
Well, I'm just another mom who has been through this too and am sending you my support and saying some prayers for you all. Your recovery is top notch....I'm so glad that you are able to detach and take proper care of yourself.
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Originally Posted by devastated
The PO was here again today, but no one was home, including me! He left a note reminding son to go to police dept on wednesday for testing. Can you believe that? He even warns him first!! The man is a saint!
I'm sorry he's not doing well Dev...I'll keep him in my prayers.
(((Hugs)))
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
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Dev,
I'm sorry your son doesn't seem to be making good choices, but I'm telling you, honey child, it sure sounds like you are!
Dev, you know what to do and I'm happy to see you strapping on your recovery tool belt. Heck, Dev, I don't leave home without mine! (Just like the Am Express card.)
Dev, the Detacher. Kinda has a nice ring to it.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
I'm sorry your son doesn't seem to be making good choices, but I'm telling you, honey child, it sure sounds like you are!
Dev, you know what to do and I'm happy to see you strapping on your recovery tool belt. Heck, Dev, I don't leave home without mine! (Just like the Am Express card.)
Dev, the Detacher. Kinda has a nice ring to it.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
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