not sure what to do

Old 01-12-2009, 07:18 AM
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not sure what to do

I have a friend whos husband is an addict
and like most of us here he keeps going back out....................

she calls me and wants me to help her, she asks for my advice yet she doesnt like my replies

then she gets her feelings hurt............
At this point I think the best thing for me to do is limit our contact and stop responding to her inquiries about my "opinion"

I've been trying share what I learn here like
say what you mean and mean what you say

dont snoop check up or drug test unless theres a plan when she finds hes again using otherwise.........whats the point other than to upset herself

and nothing changes if nothing changes.........

SO, thats about as far as my experience goes beyond that I have no idea.
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Old 01-12-2009, 07:42 AM
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She just wants you to say what she is comfortable with. We've all been where she is and i feel for her but just like anything else there isnt anything you can do to help her. I would refrain from giving her advice. When i talk to someone that asks my help but doesnt like the answers i find it easier to ask them questions instead of giving them answers. This is what psychologists do when you are in therapy becuase they know that the answers you come up with yourself will mean much more then them telling you the answers they see so clearly. When she says what do I do - you say "I'm not really sure, what do you think would help your situation." Let her find her answers on her own and just be there for her without jumping in her circle. If she is willing take her to an alanon meeting or buy her a book. She wont listen till she is ready.
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Old 01-12-2009, 07:52 AM
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Have you suggested she check out this website?
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Old 01-12-2009, 08:01 AM
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Something must be in the air Lies! I have been experiencing a friend who asks, and yet when it's not something she's hoping to hear, just doesn't.

Time to step back, and know that when she's ready, she does know who to look to for guidance. In the meantime, she's simply not ready yet. I think most, if not all, of us have been there at one time or another.

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Old 01-12-2009, 08:16 AM
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This was me, when I first found this site. I asked questions, but didn't like the answers @ first. I didn't want to believe what I read completely. I though my situation might be different, my bf was not the same as some of others, ect ect. But now I know. I would limit my contact with your friend like you said, until she is ready to accept the truth. She just wants hear what she wants to hear, and she's not ready yet.
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Old 01-12-2009, 08:33 AM
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thanks for the imput
I have tried asking the questions insteady of stright out telling her

actually thats what upset her
awhile back her husband used and went to stay with his parents.............and kept using

during that time she was angry with the parents.........because they were just "letting" him use and not making any changes...........

fast forward to our last conversation

she told me he used, and then told me her plan which was to continue what he was already suppose to be doing..............

I ASKED her..........How is what your doing now, any different than what his parents were doing when he stayed with them and you were so angry with them?

she tells me thats a low blow...............I say no its not intended to be.....its a question an honest question HOW is this different?

anyhow no really answer for me except shes has to do it her way but in the mean time I need to back away from her drama
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Old 01-12-2009, 08:49 AM
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Oh my....lies...a friend of mine is in exactly the same position as you find yourself now.

She has a friend who is actually being physically abused by her in-laws (cultural thing ?where they come and stay for months at a time and demand to be waited on hand and foot, demean, belittle and physically abuse her--but doesn't make it right).

Needless to say, she calls and cries to my friend about how awful it is, my friend listens, tries to offer suggestions, and this woman just won't do anything to change her situation. She definitely had to cut back on talking to this woman, because her own anger and frustration were stressing her out.

What a shame for you, your friend, and my friend and her friend....hopefully when they are ready for change, they will make it.

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Old 01-12-2009, 08:56 AM
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Lies, I agree, she is just not ready. When she is at least she'll know she can come to you for some direction.

In the meantime, just try to stay away from her drama.

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Old 01-12-2009, 08:58 AM
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I have a friend who is having marital problems - she and her husband have struggled over the last couple of years to stay together - in counseling - everything. She will talk to me about the problems and i tried to help for a while. That is until i found out that she has been carrying on an affair for years - her husband doesnt know and she doesnt know that i do. There's no way her marriage can work if her heart is in two places and i just cant hear her bs anymore about how hard she is working but he isnt. So I just keep my mouth shut and my distance for now. When her husband finally finds out (and he will find out) her marriage will be over and i'll be there for her but i cant offer help while she is in denial about what her real marriage issues are. She is in for a really hard fall but she's going to have to learn that on her own - me telling her that she is screwing up will not make her stop and would probably ruin our friendship so i'll wait till she has learned what she needs to and needs my shoulder to cry on.

We all learned the hard way that if nothing changes nothing changes - she'll have to learn this on her own as well and when she does she'll need you - right now she probably still thinks she can control it.
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Old 01-12-2009, 09:44 AM
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I'm sorry your going through this. I think what I would do is if she came to me asking advice I would be honest and say I am here to listen to you but I dont believe I should give advice because at times you get defensive when I do give you advice.

I also believe to limit your contact with her but dont shut her out completely. She may need you one day!

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Old 01-12-2009, 11:48 AM
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I agree with jewelz, actually she said what I was going to write before I got to the bottom.

Remember too, sometimes we are our own worse enemy as part of our stage of acceptance, and that may be where your friend is at, a cycle only she can break
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Old 01-12-2009, 12:44 PM
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I can take responsibility for myself.

The hardest, never ending, lesson in my life is accepting I have absolutely no control over someone else's choices and not letting their choices impact my life.
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Old 01-13-2009, 03:25 PM
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Again remember it is only advice!! Advice is given on the basis of taking what you want and leaving what you don't. Please don't judge so harshly. I am in this situation with my parents about my AH. Believe me if she's been dealing with this for a long time she probably has stored loads of information. There will come a point in time where she will surprise you and honor some if not most of your advice. But, remember that it will be in her own time and her own way. Your listening ear is more valuable than any advice that you haven't already given. Keep her close at heart and safe in prayer... The storm is yet to come. Reality is just a light switch away. Hopefully my philosophy makes sense
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Old 01-13-2009, 07:40 PM
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It's hard when you care about someone and believe that expereince can help them not to go through the pain, but it isn't heard. I think we see that occassionally with newcomers here too and sometimes we get inpatient.
I think you have the right idea Lies to not offer unless asked...Maybe even if asked, if you share your story rather than focus on her situation she may hear a little. I've found sometimes that can make someone less defensive. But it does all come down to, she will be ready when she is ready. You're a good friend to be there for her and to want to help.
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