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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 13
Not there yet
In that place to "let go".
This has been a particularly hellish week, beginning Sat. morning when my heroin addicted daughter left her kids behind her as she slammed out my door after finally admitting to me that heroin was her drug of choice. She didn't return until Monday morning as I was contemplating filing a missing persons report...but hestitating to do so because I don't want to see my grandchildren uprooted out of our home, the only home either of them, 5 & 2 have ever known.
After months of stealing everything that wasn't tied down, raiding my checking account to the point that I am pretty much financially screwed and even stealing money out of my pockets as I slept, (that was the only place I thought I could keep my cash that she wouldn't be able to get her hands on it..but I was wrong) She asked for help. I gave her what I could, a phone number for a somewhat reasonably priced accelerated detox facility 600 miles away. She made her appointment and asked if I would take her and be her "support person".
The next day, after getting up at 5am, working all day, packing..we headed out on the long 12 hr drive..12 hrs rather than 8 because I had to drive thru torrential rain the entire 600 miles. Nerve racking.
"Accelerated Detox"- Seemed to be an excellent program. Three days assisted withdrawal under sedation, not complete anesthea. The "support person" is responsible for administering meds and taking care of the patient overnight at a hotel or at home...each day you return to the clinic for blood work and that night's meds. On the third day, the detoxing meds are administered at the clinic....under the watchful eye of medical personel. The first day, she received valium, clonepin, tramadol (small opiate dose to keep her comfortable) and Zeprexa (spelling sorry) we returned to the hotel for the night...she had a great night's sleep, the first in a long time and was very ready to start the day two procedure. On this day, they gave her an injection of Naltrexone (detoxing med- opiate antagonist), and administered an injection of both Phenobarbatol and Thorazine. She was out before we got back to the hotel, I had one heck of a time getting her to our room. I was totally exhausted and fell asleep. She woke me up at 8pm, frantic, feeling withdrawals and panicking. That passed pretty quickly but she was restless and agitated all night..not to mention lucid dreaming, sleep walking and acting out her dreams. No sleep for me that the second night, I was concerned about what she might do in her sedated, agitated condition..We left for the final detox day at the clinic at 8:30 am with me wondering how I was going to handle this day..my nerves were raw..it had been a really difficult night for me emotionally. She remembered little of it and was ready to get started with the detox.
It went pretty well. She has destroyed her veins, so they had to do her meds by injection. She got a shot of Narcon about every 1/2 hr..increasing in dosage...8 doses all together, and was given Phenobarbetol and Valium for anxiety. The idea is to keep the patient comfortable as the meds do the work of clearing the brain receptors of opiates. Once that was complete, she had a Naltrexone Implant put in...two month dosage of contolled release that is supposed to cut down on the desire and cravings for opiates, as well as block any response if she uses opiates.
She was counseled about not using..and what to expect in the coming days...light withdrawal symptoms..fatigue, muscle aches etc. She was told that if she uses now, it will be the same as a 15 year old girl using for the first time..there is a high risk of overdose.
We arrived back home this morning around 5am.
She told me last night in the car that she felt better than she has in two years..I was so encouraged. She thanked me for being there for her, told me she knew she didn't deserve my support after all she had done. We cried together.
This morning at 10am, she called the clinic in a panic because she was experiencing exactly what they had warned her about. The told her to take her valium and clonepin to help with her axiety, this would pass in a day or two. They again counseled her about getting aftercare..how important it is to do the rehab portion of her treatment now that detox is over.
1/2 hr later her dad caught her on the phone with her dealer trying to arrange a "delivery".
He went balistic, threated to beat her to death..she threated to walk out..it was an ugly scene. I have only had about 10 hrs sleep in 4 days and I am an emotional mess. She is the perfect picture of an addict once again..battling her dad for the phone, screaming, crying..begging for relief.
I gave her an extra dose of valium and Zyprexa and she finally went to sleep. I spent the rest of the day trying to find a residential rehab..none to be found that doesn't have a weeks long waiting list..she is on her own in her recovery.
I am on my own with the knowledge that she will be out the door when she wakes up, finding a fix and forgetting her children and her committment to herself to get sober and clean.
I want so badly to just let her go..but it's so damned hard. I find no peace in giving up on her..It's a torment that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, but I do know that there is nothing I can do for her..except bury her when she overdoses.
This has been a particularly hellish week, beginning Sat. morning when my heroin addicted daughter left her kids behind her as she slammed out my door after finally admitting to me that heroin was her drug of choice. She didn't return until Monday morning as I was contemplating filing a missing persons report...but hestitating to do so because I don't want to see my grandchildren uprooted out of our home, the only home either of them, 5 & 2 have ever known.
After months of stealing everything that wasn't tied down, raiding my checking account to the point that I am pretty much financially screwed and even stealing money out of my pockets as I slept, (that was the only place I thought I could keep my cash that she wouldn't be able to get her hands on it..but I was wrong) She asked for help. I gave her what I could, a phone number for a somewhat reasonably priced accelerated detox facility 600 miles away. She made her appointment and asked if I would take her and be her "support person".
The next day, after getting up at 5am, working all day, packing..we headed out on the long 12 hr drive..12 hrs rather than 8 because I had to drive thru torrential rain the entire 600 miles. Nerve racking.
"Accelerated Detox"- Seemed to be an excellent program. Three days assisted withdrawal under sedation, not complete anesthea. The "support person" is responsible for administering meds and taking care of the patient overnight at a hotel or at home...each day you return to the clinic for blood work and that night's meds. On the third day, the detoxing meds are administered at the clinic....under the watchful eye of medical personel. The first day, she received valium, clonepin, tramadol (small opiate dose to keep her comfortable) and Zeprexa (spelling sorry) we returned to the hotel for the night...she had a great night's sleep, the first in a long time and was very ready to start the day two procedure. On this day, they gave her an injection of Naltrexone (detoxing med- opiate antagonist), and administered an injection of both Phenobarbatol and Thorazine. She was out before we got back to the hotel, I had one heck of a time getting her to our room. I was totally exhausted and fell asleep. She woke me up at 8pm, frantic, feeling withdrawals and panicking. That passed pretty quickly but she was restless and agitated all night..not to mention lucid dreaming, sleep walking and acting out her dreams. No sleep for me that the second night, I was concerned about what she might do in her sedated, agitated condition..We left for the final detox day at the clinic at 8:30 am with me wondering how I was going to handle this day..my nerves were raw..it had been a really difficult night for me emotionally. She remembered little of it and was ready to get started with the detox.
It went pretty well. She has destroyed her veins, so they had to do her meds by injection. She got a shot of Narcon about every 1/2 hr..increasing in dosage...8 doses all together, and was given Phenobarbetol and Valium for anxiety. The idea is to keep the patient comfortable as the meds do the work of clearing the brain receptors of opiates. Once that was complete, she had a Naltrexone Implant put in...two month dosage of contolled release that is supposed to cut down on the desire and cravings for opiates, as well as block any response if she uses opiates.
She was counseled about not using..and what to expect in the coming days...light withdrawal symptoms..fatigue, muscle aches etc. She was told that if she uses now, it will be the same as a 15 year old girl using for the first time..there is a high risk of overdose.
We arrived back home this morning around 5am.
She told me last night in the car that she felt better than she has in two years..I was so encouraged. She thanked me for being there for her, told me she knew she didn't deserve my support after all she had done. We cried together.
This morning at 10am, she called the clinic in a panic because she was experiencing exactly what they had warned her about. The told her to take her valium and clonepin to help with her axiety, this would pass in a day or two. They again counseled her about getting aftercare..how important it is to do the rehab portion of her treatment now that detox is over.
1/2 hr later her dad caught her on the phone with her dealer trying to arrange a "delivery".
He went balistic, threated to beat her to death..she threated to walk out..it was an ugly scene. I have only had about 10 hrs sleep in 4 days and I am an emotional mess. She is the perfect picture of an addict once again..battling her dad for the phone, screaming, crying..begging for relief.
I gave her an extra dose of valium and Zyprexa and she finally went to sleep. I spent the rest of the day trying to find a residential rehab..none to be found that doesn't have a weeks long waiting list..she is on her own in her recovery.
I am on my own with the knowledge that she will be out the door when she wakes up, finding a fix and forgetting her children and her committment to herself to get sober and clean.
I want so badly to just let her go..but it's so damned hard. I find no peace in giving up on her..It's a torment that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, but I do know that there is nothing I can do for her..except bury her when she overdoses.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Welcome, you have found the right place. There are many people here who have gone through or are going through the pain you are experiencing. Many moms, many grandmoms...and many others in situations where the person they love is an addict.
One of the first things I learned as I started working on my own recovery (for my daughter's addiction made me as sick as she was) was the 3 C's:
I didn't cause it
Can't cure it
And can't control it.
Unfortunately, sometimes the first attempts at getting clean are too often first attempts. The lure of the drug, especially one as powerful and controlling as heroin, is more than the addict can handle unless she is absolutely ready and willing. I remember researching all the different alternatives and thinking if I could just find the right one, my beautiful 19 year old would be okay. Gradually I came to realize that she had to find her way on her own. I did not give up on her, I just had to establish boundaries for me so that I could start getting better and so I didn't protect her from the consequences of her using. You see, the more we protect, the easier it is to keep using.
I had to start small with my boundaries so that if they were broken, I could act upon them. Once she took money from my purse, I told her I would press charges if it happened again - that was crossing a line i could not endure ( I so understand about sleeping with your purse) I knew jail in some way would be better- at least she would be clean and safe. And since she feared that, she did not cross that line again. Gradually I was able to say that she could only live here if she was actively working recovery. For her, detox wasn't enough - it was just long enough for her to get past the physical aspect but her psychological cravings were screaming. Eventually it meant inpatient then outpatient and she was to go to a halfway house to live.
I had to focus on me - get to Naranon meetings, post here often, read all I could about addiction, codependency and recovery. Gradually I learned that my recovery did not have to be linked to my daughter's.
I am sure it is especially difficult with young children involved. It isn't that she does not love them; it is that right now her only "love" can be heroin. Once she is ready and willing, she can find her way back. Bless you for being there for those children. I hope that you can find some Naranon or Alanon meetings - the face to face support is so helpful. In the meantime, please keep reading and posting. I'm keeping you and your family in my prayers. I hope she chooses a NA meeting over another call to her dealer. Many hugs
One of the first things I learned as I started working on my own recovery (for my daughter's addiction made me as sick as she was) was the 3 C's:
I didn't cause it
Can't cure it
And can't control it.
Unfortunately, sometimes the first attempts at getting clean are too often first attempts. The lure of the drug, especially one as powerful and controlling as heroin, is more than the addict can handle unless she is absolutely ready and willing. I remember researching all the different alternatives and thinking if I could just find the right one, my beautiful 19 year old would be okay. Gradually I came to realize that she had to find her way on her own. I did not give up on her, I just had to establish boundaries for me so that I could start getting better and so I didn't protect her from the consequences of her using. You see, the more we protect, the easier it is to keep using.
I had to start small with my boundaries so that if they were broken, I could act upon them. Once she took money from my purse, I told her I would press charges if it happened again - that was crossing a line i could not endure ( I so understand about sleeping with your purse) I knew jail in some way would be better- at least she would be clean and safe. And since she feared that, she did not cross that line again. Gradually I was able to say that she could only live here if she was actively working recovery. For her, detox wasn't enough - it was just long enough for her to get past the physical aspect but her psychological cravings were screaming. Eventually it meant inpatient then outpatient and she was to go to a halfway house to live.
I had to focus on me - get to Naranon meetings, post here often, read all I could about addiction, codependency and recovery. Gradually I learned that my recovery did not have to be linked to my daughter's.
I am sure it is especially difficult with young children involved. It isn't that she does not love them; it is that right now her only "love" can be heroin. Once she is ready and willing, she can find her way back. Bless you for being there for those children. I hope that you can find some Naranon or Alanon meetings - the face to face support is so helpful. In the meantime, please keep reading and posting. I'm keeping you and your family in my prayers. I hope she chooses a NA meeting over another call to her dealer. Many hugs
Stronger than yesterday...
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Texas
Posts: 118
((((heartandhome)))) I am so sorry you are going through this. Addiction is a terrible disease. I don't have any personal experience with herion. I am sure there are others who will come along and be able to give some advice. I'm praying for you and your family! Hugs...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Welcome to SR. My daughter's drug is also heroin. The first time that she went to rehab she only lasted for 5 days. Heroin and other opiates do a number on the dopamine part of an addict's brain. When they are not using they basically do not have any dopamine and thus they can feel no pleasure from anything around them. It is like a severe depression. When my daughter returned from rehab she began using within a week. She really tried but the lure of the drug was too much for her. Fast forward 2+ years later and she decided that the pain of getting clean was less than the pain of continued using. This time when she went to rehab she was put on Suboxone. It not only helps with the withdrawals but also with the cravings. This time she really wanted to do the work to get clean but she knew that she could not get through the withdrawals. She now has 7+ months clean but it still is not easy for her. Even though she does not crave the drug, she sometimes craves the feelings the drug gave her. But she continues to play the tape all the way through and knows what her life will be like if she goes back to heroin. I play the tape through too and know that I do not want to go back to the life that I had so I go to Ala-non meetings and come here to read and post. I have learned to let go because it does no good to hang on. You can love your daughter, but your love can't make her clean. You can learn to take care of you. Hugs, Marle
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