Ann

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Responsibility for Ourselves

We have been doing the wrong things for the right reasons.
--Codependent No More

Caretaking: the act of taking responsibility for other people while neglecting responsibility for ourselves. When we instinctively feel responsible for the feelings, thoughts, choices, problems, comfort, and destiny of others, we are caretakers. We may believe, at an unconscious level, that others are responsible for our happiness, just as we're responsible for theirs.

It's a worthy goal to be a considerate, loving, nurturing person. But caretaking is neglecting us to the point of feeling victimized. Caretaking involves caring for others in ways that hamper them in learning to take responsibility for themselves.

Caretaking doesn't work. It hurts other people; it hurts us. People get angry. They feel hurt, used, and victimized. So do we.

The kindest and most generous behavior we can choose is taking responsibility for ourselves - for what we think, feel, want, and need. The most beneficial act we can perform is to be true to ourselves, and let others take responsibility for themselves.

Today, I will pay attention to my actual responsibilities to myself. I will let others do the same. If I am in doubt about what my actual responsibilities are, I will take an inventory.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

Ann

Before I do something for anyone else, I ask myself..."Is this something that they can and should be doing for themselves?"

That helps me stay on a good course. Doing something nice for someone just because we want to and it comes from our heart and leaves no negative impact on ourselves and for which we have no expectations, is just a nice thing to do.

Doing something for someone else to control them or make them feel needy, or because we have been manipulated or feel guilty, is caretaking at its worst.

Amen to that.

Hugs