Help MyJoey 17 years olds
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 584
Help MyJoey 17 years olds
This is my first post, and even writing these words hurts so much. Tell me I am doing the right thing. I want your Feedback PLEASE>
You know a parents worst nightmare use to be the death of a child, I don't believe that anymore a parents worse nightmare is having a child addicted to drugs. If your child was hit by a car and died, the pain would be horrible, but you could put them to rest and mourn your lose and with time it would get easier. You would have wonderful memories of their life. The parents of children addicted to drugs, lives thier lose everyday, it is like watching the car hit your child over and over again everyday and you wait to see how bad their hurt or if they will even get up this time. Everyday commiting suiside but you are helpless to help them. My child had the perfect childhood, he comes from a loving family. He was very wanted and if possible over loved, the true joy of our lives. I can honestly say I would not have changed anything when he was little, he was always the best behave child we never had to ground him, if he did anything wrong we would talk about it and he would make the wrong right, he was a very reasonable person. He was a little on the shy side, but we kept him so busy with family things it never seem to bother him, in 9th grade he joined the football team and it was like watching a flower bloom his personality exploded and he had friends by the dozens, many of them spent their nights at our house around the pool, we let him have pizza parties every weekend....it was the best time of his and our lives. I am not sure where the drugs started, but in 11th grade he quit the football team to our shock, later we would learn he did this so he could smoke weed, he couldn't do that and play football because of drug testing. Later that year my husband got bladder cancer, while everything worked out fine, at the time we were living a nightmare with the testing and not knowing how far advanced it was. It was during this time I first found my son high on weed, I talked to him about it, but really didn't make a big deal, MY FIRST MISTAKE. I thought heck I smoked a little grass when I was young it was no big deal. He is now in 12th grade and during this time so much has happened with his drug use it is unreal, he is truly addicted to not just smoking, he has done many other drugs also the last one was exstacy, he has been arrested with weed in school, kicked out of rehab after we paid $12,000 to get him help, lost many of his old friends, cares about nothing other then getting high or the next drug. I have seen a person, I don't recognize anymore, my once lucky go happy child with the charm and wit that would melt many adults hearts away. I watch what he is like going through withdraw, he will not admit that's the problem, climbing the walls and angry. He now has no sense of humor, his looks are dark and sickly, most of the time the same drugs that make him feel good, has him passed out or getting sick. Some nights I get up in the middle of the night to check and make sure he is alive. The biggest mistake I think I made was #1 not coming down on him hard the very first time I found it. 2. believing anything he tells me, OOO I am not doing them no more. 3. Spending more time crying about it and not having the heart to do tough love, but know this I am done making them mistakes, this pasted weekend I made sure to set my son up to get arrested and this will get him back on probation which is a start. I took his phone, I took his car, he is never allowed more then $2 in his pocket. Right now he can only go to work and school without a family member. I also have enough of his drugs saved that if I see, smell or even think he is doing them....I will have him arrested again, but this time it will be a felony and he will get locked up for a short time and he will have record forever, this would also give me a chance to get him court ordered to rehab. He knows I mean business. He also knows in 10 months he will be 18 and he can walk out the door and do whatever he wants, but for now he has to follow my rules and I will do whatever it takes while I don't know what his hitting bottom will be, but my bottom is, I WANT MY SON BACK!
You know a parents worst nightmare use to be the death of a child, I don't believe that anymore a parents worse nightmare is having a child addicted to drugs. If your child was hit by a car and died, the pain would be horrible, but you could put them to rest and mourn your lose and with time it would get easier. You would have wonderful memories of their life. The parents of children addicted to drugs, lives thier lose everyday, it is like watching the car hit your child over and over again everyday and you wait to see how bad their hurt or if they will even get up this time. Everyday commiting suiside but you are helpless to help them. My child had the perfect childhood, he comes from a loving family. He was very wanted and if possible over loved, the true joy of our lives. I can honestly say I would not have changed anything when he was little, he was always the best behave child we never had to ground him, if he did anything wrong we would talk about it and he would make the wrong right, he was a very reasonable person. He was a little on the shy side, but we kept him so busy with family things it never seem to bother him, in 9th grade he joined the football team and it was like watching a flower bloom his personality exploded and he had friends by the dozens, many of them spent their nights at our house around the pool, we let him have pizza parties every weekend....it was the best time of his and our lives. I am not sure where the drugs started, but in 11th grade he quit the football team to our shock, later we would learn he did this so he could smoke weed, he couldn't do that and play football because of drug testing. Later that year my husband got bladder cancer, while everything worked out fine, at the time we were living a nightmare with the testing and not knowing how far advanced it was. It was during this time I first found my son high on weed, I talked to him about it, but really didn't make a big deal, MY FIRST MISTAKE. I thought heck I smoked a little grass when I was young it was no big deal. He is now in 12th grade and during this time so much has happened with his drug use it is unreal, he is truly addicted to not just smoking, he has done many other drugs also the last one was exstacy, he has been arrested with weed in school, kicked out of rehab after we paid $12,000 to get him help, lost many of his old friends, cares about nothing other then getting high or the next drug. I have seen a person, I don't recognize anymore, my once lucky go happy child with the charm and wit that would melt many adults hearts away. I watch what he is like going through withdraw, he will not admit that's the problem, climbing the walls and angry. He now has no sense of humor, his looks are dark and sickly, most of the time the same drugs that make him feel good, has him passed out or getting sick. Some nights I get up in the middle of the night to check and make sure he is alive. The biggest mistake I think I made was #1 not coming down on him hard the very first time I found it. 2. believing anything he tells me, OOO I am not doing them no more. 3. Spending more time crying about it and not having the heart to do tough love, but know this I am done making them mistakes, this pasted weekend I made sure to set my son up to get arrested and this will get him back on probation which is a start. I took his phone, I took his car, he is never allowed more then $2 in his pocket. Right now he can only go to work and school without a family member. I also have enough of his drugs saved that if I see, smell or even think he is doing them....I will have him arrested again, but this time it will be a felony and he will get locked up for a short time and he will have record forever, this would also give me a chance to get him court ordered to rehab. He knows I mean business. He also knows in 10 months he will be 18 and he can walk out the door and do whatever he wants, but for now he has to follow my rules and I will do whatever it takes while I don't know what his hitting bottom will be, but my bottom is, I WANT MY SON BACK!
I'm HOME!!!!!
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Hot flash city
Posts: 573
First of all, Welcome to SR!!! Lots of support here, and we're open 24/7. On the top of the forums you'll find "Sticky's" that are very informative. I can feel your heartache and know there are a lot of us on this same path. My daughter is my addict. I now have custody of her son, and it's been a roller coaster ride of heartbreak, hope and love!!!
I'm soooo sorry you find yourself here, and sooo glad you've found us. There are angels on this site, that will be along shortly to welcome you. The best thing I can tell you is that this is not your son....your son is in there, and you can have him back again, but it will take time.
Remember the 3 C's
You didn't CAUSE it
You can't CONTROL it
and unfortunately YOU can't CURE it
but there are stories of recovery every day...
Again Welcome
NSW
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Welcome to SR!
I'm sorry for what has brought you here, but as NSW says, there are some wonderful people here, with a lot of support.
I am a recovering addict, but also have friends/family that are addicts, so I understand both sides of addiction. So far, I have not had to deal with it in someone so young, but there are many parents, here who have.
I honestly don't know how I feel about "setting him up" with the stash of drugs. As an addict, I know that when I wanted to use, I would find a way, regardless of the limits put on me. That being said, I was not nearly as young. I do agree with doing what you can while he is 17, as when he is 18, he is legally on his own. I just know that losing my nursing license and the threat of jail was not enough to make me quit using...I did lose my license and I did go to jail.
I hope you read other threads here. You will find many more parents who are going through, or have been through similar situations. Some have children still struggling, some have children doing well, and sadly, some have children with very sad endings. No matter what the situation, we all learn that we must take care of ourselves. Addiction is a family disease and it will suck the life out of everyone in the family if we allow it.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm sorry for what has brought you here, but as NSW says, there are some wonderful people here, with a lot of support.
I am a recovering addict, but also have friends/family that are addicts, so I understand both sides of addiction. So far, I have not had to deal with it in someone so young, but there are many parents, here who have.
I honestly don't know how I feel about "setting him up" with the stash of drugs. As an addict, I know that when I wanted to use, I would find a way, regardless of the limits put on me. That being said, I was not nearly as young. I do agree with doing what you can while he is 17, as when he is 18, he is legally on his own. I just know that losing my nursing license and the threat of jail was not enough to make me quit using...I did lose my license and I did go to jail.
I hope you read other threads here. You will find many more parents who are going through, or have been through similar situations. Some have children still struggling, some have children doing well, and sadly, some have children with very sad endings. No matter what the situation, we all learn that we must take care of ourselves. Addiction is a family disease and it will suck the life out of everyone in the family if we allow it.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
welcome to SR, you are in the right place.
I suggest reading through other posts here, there are many parents of addicts here- and it would definatly give you some insight and support (feeling like others know where you are at.)
I do not have experience with children that are addicted, mine is my bf, however, I do know how painful it is to watch someone you love slowly kill themselves.
I hope you find some peace and stregth here, as I did.
Welcome,
Cessy
I suggest reading through other posts here, there are many parents of addicts here- and it would definatly give you some insight and support (feeling like others know where you are at.)
I do not have experience with children that are addicted, mine is my bf, however, I do know how painful it is to watch someone you love slowly kill themselves.
I hope you find some peace and stregth here, as I did.
Welcome,
Cessy
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Welcome, from another parent.
1st of all, he is a minor for 10 more months. You can tell him he is going back to rehab.
Call and negotiate well to determine if the rehab will take him back...Do it now while you are able before he turns 18.
My son got kicked out of his current rehab and they took him back...he has now been there10 mos.
Long-term programs are the only realistic approach for these young addicts- in my experience.
My son went through a couple of 1 mo. programs and only got serious with this long term program. Generally, Only severe consequences will make an addict agree to treatment. Let your son know rehab is his only option.
Addiction is progressive as you can see.
Be careful, as you are learning, everything your son says is most likely a lie and he will steal everything he can.
I go to an al-anon mtg. regularly that is just for parents. You can find out about mtg. in your area on the internet. Learning the principles & working the steps through al-anon and talking with other members restored me to sanity.
It took my son until now at age 24 to take recovery seriously. Before that I had to kick him out and detach for long periods of time.
Wishing you the strength to do what is necessary for yourself and your son.
1st of all, he is a minor for 10 more months. You can tell him he is going back to rehab.
Call and negotiate well to determine if the rehab will take him back...Do it now while you are able before he turns 18.
My son got kicked out of his current rehab and they took him back...he has now been there10 mos.
Long-term programs are the only realistic approach for these young addicts- in my experience.
My son went through a couple of 1 mo. programs and only got serious with this long term program. Generally, Only severe consequences will make an addict agree to treatment. Let your son know rehab is his only option.
Addiction is progressive as you can see.
Be careful, as you are learning, everything your son says is most likely a lie and he will steal everything he can.
I go to an al-anon mtg. regularly that is just for parents. You can find out about mtg. in your area on the internet. Learning the principles & working the steps through al-anon and talking with other members restored me to sanity.
It took my son until now at age 24 to take recovery seriously. Before that I had to kick him out and detach for long periods of time.
Wishing you the strength to do what is necessary for yourself and your son.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 584
Originally Posted by Spiritual Seeker 
Welcome, from another parent.
1st of all, he is a minor for 10 more months. You can tell him he is going back to rehab.
Call and negotiate well to determine if the rehab will take him back...Do it now while you are able before he turns 18.
My son got kicked out of his current rehab and they took him back...he has now been there10 mos.
Long-term programs are the only realistic approach for these young addicts- in my experience.
My son went through a couple of 1 mo. programs and only got serious with this long term program. Generally, Only severe consequences will make an addict agree to treatment. Let your son know rehab is his only option.
Addiction is progressive as you can see.
Be careful, as you are learning, everything your son says is most likely a lie and he will steal everything he can.
I go to an al-anon mtg. regularly that is just for parents. You can find out about mtg. in your area on the internet. Learning the principles & working the steps through al-anon and talking with other members restored me to sanity.
It took my son until now at age 24 to take recovery seriously. Before that I had to kick him out and detach for long periods of time.
Wishing you the strength to do what is necessary for yourself and your son.
1st of all, he is a minor for 10 more months. You can tell him he is going back to rehab.
Call and negotiate well to determine if the rehab will take him back...Do it now while you are able before he turns 18.
My son got kicked out of his current rehab and they took him back...he has now been there10 mos.
Long-term programs are the only realistic approach for these young addicts- in my experience.
My son went through a couple of 1 mo. programs and only got serious with this long term program. Generally, Only severe consequences will make an addict agree to treatment. Let your son know rehab is his only option.
Addiction is progressive as you can see.
Be careful, as you are learning, everything your son says is most likely a lie and he will steal everything he can.
I go to an al-anon mtg. regularly that is just for parents. You can find out about mtg. in your area on the internet. Learning the principles & working the steps through al-anon and talking with other members restored me to sanity.
It took my son until now at age 24 to take recovery seriously. Before that I had to kick him out and detach for long periods of time.
Wishing you the strength to do what is necessary for yourself and your son.
Here in PA at 17 you need a court order if the child will not go to rehab....I know I don't like it, but that is how it is. Plus to put him away for that long would cost so much money there is no way we could afford it and our health care would not pay for it. So with that said with a court order we would pay what we could afford and the state would help with the rest. Don't get me wrong I would sell my house to get him help if HE WANTED IT. The last rehab would not take him back we begged them to let him stay, but he was kicked out for smoking weed in the rehab.....big no-no. I am hopeful that when his court case comes up I can push them for rehab, last time since it was a first they would not listen to me. Today is the first day my son has talked to me other then "F" words he is slowing coming out of the withdraw but I know it is going to take a while yet till the drugs are out of his system. He was really kind of nice to me tonight and did admit to using harder drugs, I know here we go suck her back in time....I am much more wise to him, many thanks to this site. He has stolen money from us, lied lied and lied some more......and I should really use spell check more often. LOL thank you all!!!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
My boyfriend's son almost died from alcohol over the summer and is now using crack. While I have no children of my own, watching this young man self-destruct is incredibly painful, and seeing his father in such pain and so totally heartbroken over his son is the saddest thing I have ever witnessed.
Where there is life there is hope! Please keep reading, keep posting, you will find so much support here!
Welcome! HUGS!
HG
Where there is life there is hope! Please keep reading, keep posting, you will find so much support here!
Welcome! HUGS!
HG
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Welcome to SR. I always found that when I tried to control what was happening with my daughter, I always made the situation worse than it had to be. Looking back I am glad that some of the things that I tried to force did not happen. My daughter was in active addiction for about 3 years, but it started with experimenting in high school. I was in denial of her problem for a long time. When you say you wish you had been tougher when you first discovered his pot smoking, I really don't know if it would have made much difference. If he were not an addict, he might have stopped, followed your rules and been okay. But addiction always progresses until the addict himself wants a better life. Until that happens all that we parents are doing for our kids is putting a bandaid on the problem. Prayers that your son seeks recovery. In the meantime find some Al-anon or Nar-anon meetings for yourself. They really can be a lifesaver. Hugs, Marle
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: hollywood florida
Posts: 34
welcome..I posted for the first time a few days ago. I feel your heartbreak. My daughter is 18 and entered rehab before Christmas. She called to me today to schedule me to come to one of her therapy sessions and to beg me to come home...she says she knows how to get her life straight now. I hope that you are able to get your son back into rehab..my daughter was a partier in high school but she went off the chart in college. I'll be praying for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 584
I can't say it enough thank you all for the support and your own stories, it really helps.
Kathy, I am so happy for you I hope your daughter is able to keep her life straight.
Losing, you are so right, I just could not understand how my son could be doing drugs, he had everything, he didn't come from bad parents, he wasn't abused.....I just couldn't understand that even good kids get hooked.
Marle, I know what you are saying. I just need to keep some kind of control while he is in this house. I go back and forth with it, I am just hopeful he will not push it so far and I am going to try and get the courts to help with rehab.....without them I feel like I don't have a chance.
Hydro, That even hurt to read, I am so sorry and happy he has you to help support him. I pray our young people get their lifes back, we are losing our children to drugs. I wish the war on drugs was being won, but I think it just get worse.
You gals/guys are wonderful.
Kathy, I am so happy for you I hope your daughter is able to keep her life straight.
Losing, you are so right, I just could not understand how my son could be doing drugs, he had everything, he didn't come from bad parents, he wasn't abused.....I just couldn't understand that even good kids get hooked.
Marle, I know what you are saying. I just need to keep some kind of control while he is in this house. I go back and forth with it, I am just hopeful he will not push it so far and I am going to try and get the courts to help with rehab.....without them I feel like I don't have a chance.
Hydro, That even hurt to read, I am so sorry and happy he has you to help support him. I pray our young people get their lifes back, we are losing our children to drugs. I wish the war on drugs was being won, but I think it just get worse.
You gals/guys are wonderful.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Westland, Pennsylvania
Posts: 247
Hello and welcome to SR. I to had a child who had everything when he was young he was the light of my life. He was a great kid kind loving everyone wanted to be around him always the life of the party. He started on pain pills doing anything to get them. Well these pain pills turned to herion. His dad and I didn't know at first but when we found out went sent him to rehab. He went a 4or 5 times and every time he got out said he would never use again. Wrong he died 11-19-08 of a overdose. Now all I do is sit and cry, he was my only child and I miss him so such. What I am trying to tell you is he is the one that has to want to stop. I was always close to my son even when he was using. Asking my self I should have done this or that but I could not make him do anything he didn't want to do. I am sorry for you and your husband I will pray that he will want to stop before it get worse.
Maggiemac
Maggiemac
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
My AS is 16 and I know exactly how you feel right now. my son is also a type 1 diabetic so we were in a double jeopardy with his drug use and i was about as out of control as a parent can get. It is different when you are dealing with a minor child because we do have a legal and moral responsibility to keep that safe. With that being said, I spent the last year forcing coercing protecting and doing everything i could to keep my son alive and get him to change. It didnt help one bit - in fact it made it worse. He's not using right now because of his legal situation (he's on house arrest with an ankle monitor waiting till Feb to enter rehab) but if he could use he most certainly would - he wants to so bad. There is nothing that I can do to to stop that. Nothing. The only things that i can do is be a parent not a friend - I love him enough to let him hate me right now and I can enforce my own rules.
There is not one path to take that will "solve" the addicts problem. Everyone is different and everyone responds to different means. There are no guarantees that he will not end up killing himself. I am in your shoes and i have come very close to loosing my son - dont think in anyway that its worse to go through this then to loose them completely. I've had three occassions that I truly thought that my son was dead and it is a far worse situation then this. This is hard and its drawn out but its better than loosing them. You must get yourself some help to prepare for this and to help you make the best judgments on what to do - not only for him but for yourself.
With that in mind I relay to you what has happened with my own son and some thoughts on your post becuase i've been through those situations. My first thought is throw those drugs away - no drugs in your house means no drugs - not even ones you are holding for future evidence and in fact once you have taken custody of those drugs it becomes hard to prove that they came from his room, his bookbag, etc. I've learned that teens historically will try to blame their drug use on the parent, sibling, or other family members - its not mine its my mom's. It doesnt matter if you are Sister Theresa - this is a very common thing for a child to claim and the court tells me it happens in many cases they see - it is considered one of the stages they go through. I'm as clean as you can get and my son told everyone that I was a drug addict and that's why he couldnt get clean -that he got his drugs from me - even told his friends how great the pot is that he gets from my room - had it down to saying where my hiding places were - all total fabrication. Luckily no one in the courts believed him but if they dont know you - you're setting yourself up for one of the biggest tricks that teens play.
If they are sitting in your bedroom locked away then they are your illegal drugs not his. Besides I find that accusations based on past errors backfire and give him the excuse of blaming you. I can hear him now "that was from a long time ago I'm not doing that stuff anymore." A judge will consider that fact. I brought some drugs to his PO one time and he said - we'll its inadmissable in court now that you have removed it from his room and taken it out of your home. He told me in the future that if I found drugs - not to touch them and call the police. The police will then properly authenticate the evidence and then it can be used.
The other thing I can say is that shielding the addict into a cocoon did me no good. I was trying to keep him safe but it had the opposite effect. Its like that old thing of if you dont want your kid to be friends with someone the last thing you should do is tell them so becuase that makes them want to be around them even more. Sometime the best thing to do is let him hit bottom on his own while you watch (in horror i might add) so that you can get him medical help when its needed. it will be much harder for him legally and emotionally if it happens after he is 18. As far as forcing him into rehab - it can be done when they are a minor if courts are involved. I had a doctor early on that told me to start talking to everyone I could, contact every government agency that I could because once they each had a file open on my son it would be taken into consideration when he did end up getting busted. Best advice i ever got. When we finally went before a judge and they saw the history they knew that there was a problem and that I had done everything I could to help this kid so they were 100% willing to step in and start helping too.
So, look into the court legal programs and mental health department. I stopped trying to stop my child from using drugs - I watched from the outside and just let him fall on his own - when he did I reported it. It was hard but he was placed in a drug court program and now is awaiting government funded rehab. He blames me - he says i had him arrested - he thinks he's done nothing wrong but he is going to rehab and i'm not paying a dime for it. Find out what resources you have and use them. In the process I gained somethign so much more - I got support myself. In my community they work with the parents as much as the child becuase they know to help the parent in effect helps the child. I was told to let him fall and enforce the consequences.
Our court counselor told us last night that the chances of success in rehab are no different if its forced or voluntary. My son was very quiet when she said that because he likes to claim that it will do him no good because he doesnt want to be there. i say doesnt matter your going and its not just for him its becuase my home is a battleground when he is here - i have another child and i cant have her living with a drug addict. Educating myself on this disease helped me a great deal, finding the support of my community saved me and my son - I dont think he would be alive right now had they not stepped in. You cannot walk away from a child but you can set boundaries as long as you have the strength to enforce them. You may never change your child but you will change yourself and find the strength to get through this.
There is not one path to take that will "solve" the addicts problem. Everyone is different and everyone responds to different means. There are no guarantees that he will not end up killing himself. I am in your shoes and i have come very close to loosing my son - dont think in anyway that its worse to go through this then to loose them completely. I've had three occassions that I truly thought that my son was dead and it is a far worse situation then this. This is hard and its drawn out but its better than loosing them. You must get yourself some help to prepare for this and to help you make the best judgments on what to do - not only for him but for yourself.
With that in mind I relay to you what has happened with my own son and some thoughts on your post becuase i've been through those situations. My first thought is throw those drugs away - no drugs in your house means no drugs - not even ones you are holding for future evidence and in fact once you have taken custody of those drugs it becomes hard to prove that they came from his room, his bookbag, etc. I've learned that teens historically will try to blame their drug use on the parent, sibling, or other family members - its not mine its my mom's. It doesnt matter if you are Sister Theresa - this is a very common thing for a child to claim and the court tells me it happens in many cases they see - it is considered one of the stages they go through. I'm as clean as you can get and my son told everyone that I was a drug addict and that's why he couldnt get clean -that he got his drugs from me - even told his friends how great the pot is that he gets from my room - had it down to saying where my hiding places were - all total fabrication. Luckily no one in the courts believed him but if they dont know you - you're setting yourself up for one of the biggest tricks that teens play.
If they are sitting in your bedroom locked away then they are your illegal drugs not his. Besides I find that accusations based on past errors backfire and give him the excuse of blaming you. I can hear him now "that was from a long time ago I'm not doing that stuff anymore." A judge will consider that fact. I brought some drugs to his PO one time and he said - we'll its inadmissable in court now that you have removed it from his room and taken it out of your home. He told me in the future that if I found drugs - not to touch them and call the police. The police will then properly authenticate the evidence and then it can be used.
The other thing I can say is that shielding the addict into a cocoon did me no good. I was trying to keep him safe but it had the opposite effect. Its like that old thing of if you dont want your kid to be friends with someone the last thing you should do is tell them so becuase that makes them want to be around them even more. Sometime the best thing to do is let him hit bottom on his own while you watch (in horror i might add) so that you can get him medical help when its needed. it will be much harder for him legally and emotionally if it happens after he is 18. As far as forcing him into rehab - it can be done when they are a minor if courts are involved. I had a doctor early on that told me to start talking to everyone I could, contact every government agency that I could because once they each had a file open on my son it would be taken into consideration when he did end up getting busted. Best advice i ever got. When we finally went before a judge and they saw the history they knew that there was a problem and that I had done everything I could to help this kid so they were 100% willing to step in and start helping too.
So, look into the court legal programs and mental health department. I stopped trying to stop my child from using drugs - I watched from the outside and just let him fall on his own - when he did I reported it. It was hard but he was placed in a drug court program and now is awaiting government funded rehab. He blames me - he says i had him arrested - he thinks he's done nothing wrong but he is going to rehab and i'm not paying a dime for it. Find out what resources you have and use them. In the process I gained somethign so much more - I got support myself. In my community they work with the parents as much as the child becuase they know to help the parent in effect helps the child. I was told to let him fall and enforce the consequences.
Our court counselor told us last night that the chances of success in rehab are no different if its forced or voluntary. My son was very quiet when she said that because he likes to claim that it will do him no good because he doesnt want to be there. i say doesnt matter your going and its not just for him its becuase my home is a battleground when he is here - i have another child and i cant have her living with a drug addict. Educating myself on this disease helped me a great deal, finding the support of my community saved me and my son - I dont think he would be alive right now had they not stepped in. You cannot walk away from a child but you can set boundaries as long as you have the strength to enforce them. You may never change your child but you will change yourself and find the strength to get through this.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
(((MyJoey)))
I have 2 addict sons, one is now 30, the other 35, and both, for today are sober. (after rehab, jail, rehab, jail, homeless....) My sons have used from the ages of 11, and 15...and it has been a long hard road.
I truly believe that without MY interfering and rescuing, recovery for both of them would have started sooner.
I do not agree on setting your son up for an arrest by having the drugs in your possession.
Hugs to you, glad you found us.....
I have 2 addict sons, one is now 30, the other 35, and both, for today are sober. (after rehab, jail, rehab, jail, homeless....) My sons have used from the ages of 11, and 15...and it has been a long hard road.
I truly believe that without MY interfering and rescuing, recovery for both of them would have started sooner.
I do not agree on setting your son up for an arrest by having the drugs in your possession.
Hugs to you, glad you found us.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 584
Originally Posted by Maggiemac
Hello and welcome to SR. I to had a child who had everything when he was young he was the light of my life. He was a great kid kind loving everyone wanted to be around him always the life of the party. He started on pain pills doing anything to get them. Well these pain pills turned to herion. His dad and I didn't know at first but when we found out went sent him to rehab. He went a 4or 5 times and every time he got out said he would never use again. Wrong he died 11-19-08 of a overdose. Now all I do is sit and cry, he was my only child and I miss him so such. What I am trying to tell you is he is the one that has to want to stop. I was always close to my son even when he was using. Asking my self I should have done this or that but I could not make him do anything he didn't want to do. I am sorry for you and your husband I will pray that he will want to stop before it get worse.
Maggiemac
Maggiemac
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 196
Originally Posted by Impurrfect
Welcome to SR!
I honestly don't know how I feel about "setting him up" with the stash of drugs.
I honestly don't know how I feel about "setting him up" with the stash of drugs.
I think you should get the Big Book of AA and read to the Family and to Wives. It will help you.
I'm sorry you are going through this. My Mom went through it too.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 584
Originally Posted by winnie12
My AS is 16 and I know exactly how you feel right now. my son is also a type 1 diabetic so we were in a double jeopardy with his drug use and i was about as out of control as a parent can get. It is different when you are dealing with a minor child because we do have a legal and moral responsibility to keep that safe. With that being said, I spent the last year forcing coercing protecting and doing everything i could to keep my son alive and get him to change. It didnt help one bit - in fact it made it worse. He's not using right now because of his legal situation (he's on house arrest with an ankle monitor waiting till Feb to enter rehab) but if he could use he most certainly would - he wants to so bad. There is nothing that I can do to to stop that. Nothing. The only things that i can do is be a parent not a friend - I love him enough to let him hate me right now and I can enforce my own rules.
There is not one path to take that will "solve" the addicts problem. Everyone is different and everyone responds to different means. There are no guarantees that he will not end up killing himself. I am in your shoes and i have come very close to loosing my son - dont think in anyway that its worse to go through this then to loose them completely. I've had three occassions that I truly thought that my son was dead and it is a far worse situation then this. This is hard and its drawn out but its better than loosing them. You must get yourself some help to prepare for this and to help you make the best judgments on what to do - not only for him but for yourself.
With that in mind I relay to you what has happened with my own son and some thoughts on your post becuase i've been through those situations. My first thought is throw those drugs away - no drugs in your house means no drugs - not even ones you are holding for future evidence and in fact once you have taken custody of those drugs it becomes hard to prove that they came from his room, his bookbag, etc. I've learned that teens historically will try to blame their drug use on the parent, sibling, or other family members - its not mine its my mom's. It doesnt matter if you are Sister Theresa - this is a very common thing for a child to claim and the court tells me it happens in many cases they see - it is considered one of the stages they go through. I'm as clean as you can get and my son told everyone that I was a drug addict and that's why he couldnt get clean -that he got his drugs from me - even told his friends how great the pot is that he gets from my room - had it down to saying where my hiding places were - all total fabrication. Luckily no one in the courts believed him but if they dont know you - you're setting yourself up for one of the biggest tricks that teens play.
If they are sitting in your bedroom locked away then they are your illegal drugs not his. Besides I find that accusations based on past errors backfire and give him the excuse of blaming you. I can hear him now "that was from a long time ago I'm not doing that stuff anymore." A judge will consider that fact. I brought some drugs to his PO one time and he said - we'll its inadmissable in court now that you have removed it from his room and taken it out of your home. He told me in the future that if I found drugs - not to touch them and call the police. The police will then properly authenticate the evidence and then it can be used.
The other thing I can say is that shielding the addict into a cocoon did me no good. I was trying to keep him safe but it had the opposite effect. Its like that old thing of if you dont want your kid to be friends with someone the last thing you should do is tell them so becuase that makes them want to be around them even more. Sometime the best thing to do is let him hit bottom on his own while you watch (in horror i might add) so that you can get him medical help when its needed. it will be much harder for him legally and emotionally if it happens after he is 18. As far as forcing him into rehab - it can be done when they are a minor if courts are involved. I had a doctor early on that told me to start talking to everyone I could, contact every government agency that I could because once they each had a file open on my son it would be taken into consideration when he did end up getting busted. Best advice i ever got. When we finally went before a judge and they saw the history they knew that there was a problem and that I had done everything I could to help this kid so they were 100% willing to step in and start helping too.
So, look into the court legal programs and mental health department. I stopped trying to stop my child from using drugs - I watched from the outside and just let him fall on his own - when he did I reported it. It was hard but he was placed in a drug court program and now is awaiting government funded rehab. He blames me - he says i had him arrested - he thinks he's done nothing wrong but he is going to rehab and i'm not paying a dime for it. Find out what resources you have and use them. In the process I gained somethign so much more - I got support myself. In my community they work with the parents as much as the child becuase they know to help the parent in effect helps the child. I was told to let him fall and enforce the consequences.
Our court counselor told us last night that the chances of success in rehab are no different if its forced or voluntary. My son was very quiet when she said that because he likes to claim that it will do him no good because he doesnt want to be there. i say doesnt matter your going and its not just for him its becuase my home is a battleground when he is here - i have another child and i cant have her living with a drug addict. Educating myself on this disease helped me a great deal, finding the support of my community saved me and my son - I dont think he would be alive right now had they not stepped in. You cannot walk away from a child but you can set boundaries as long as you have the strength to enforce them. You may never change your child but you will change yourself and find the strength to get through this.
There is not one path to take that will "solve" the addicts problem. Everyone is different and everyone responds to different means. There are no guarantees that he will not end up killing himself. I am in your shoes and i have come very close to loosing my son - dont think in anyway that its worse to go through this then to loose them completely. I've had three occassions that I truly thought that my son was dead and it is a far worse situation then this. This is hard and its drawn out but its better than loosing them. You must get yourself some help to prepare for this and to help you make the best judgments on what to do - not only for him but for yourself.
With that in mind I relay to you what has happened with my own son and some thoughts on your post becuase i've been through those situations. My first thought is throw those drugs away - no drugs in your house means no drugs - not even ones you are holding for future evidence and in fact once you have taken custody of those drugs it becomes hard to prove that they came from his room, his bookbag, etc. I've learned that teens historically will try to blame their drug use on the parent, sibling, or other family members - its not mine its my mom's. It doesnt matter if you are Sister Theresa - this is a very common thing for a child to claim and the court tells me it happens in many cases they see - it is considered one of the stages they go through. I'm as clean as you can get and my son told everyone that I was a drug addict and that's why he couldnt get clean -that he got his drugs from me - even told his friends how great the pot is that he gets from my room - had it down to saying where my hiding places were - all total fabrication. Luckily no one in the courts believed him but if they dont know you - you're setting yourself up for one of the biggest tricks that teens play.
If they are sitting in your bedroom locked away then they are your illegal drugs not his. Besides I find that accusations based on past errors backfire and give him the excuse of blaming you. I can hear him now "that was from a long time ago I'm not doing that stuff anymore." A judge will consider that fact. I brought some drugs to his PO one time and he said - we'll its inadmissable in court now that you have removed it from his room and taken it out of your home. He told me in the future that if I found drugs - not to touch them and call the police. The police will then properly authenticate the evidence and then it can be used.
The other thing I can say is that shielding the addict into a cocoon did me no good. I was trying to keep him safe but it had the opposite effect. Its like that old thing of if you dont want your kid to be friends with someone the last thing you should do is tell them so becuase that makes them want to be around them even more. Sometime the best thing to do is let him hit bottom on his own while you watch (in horror i might add) so that you can get him medical help when its needed. it will be much harder for him legally and emotionally if it happens after he is 18. As far as forcing him into rehab - it can be done when they are a minor if courts are involved. I had a doctor early on that told me to start talking to everyone I could, contact every government agency that I could because once they each had a file open on my son it would be taken into consideration when he did end up getting busted. Best advice i ever got. When we finally went before a judge and they saw the history they knew that there was a problem and that I had done everything I could to help this kid so they were 100% willing to step in and start helping too.
So, look into the court legal programs and mental health department. I stopped trying to stop my child from using drugs - I watched from the outside and just let him fall on his own - when he did I reported it. It was hard but he was placed in a drug court program and now is awaiting government funded rehab. He blames me - he says i had him arrested - he thinks he's done nothing wrong but he is going to rehab and i'm not paying a dime for it. Find out what resources you have and use them. In the process I gained somethign so much more - I got support myself. In my community they work with the parents as much as the child becuase they know to help the parent in effect helps the child. I was told to let him fall and enforce the consequences.
Our court counselor told us last night that the chances of success in rehab are no different if its forced or voluntary. My son was very quiet when she said that because he likes to claim that it will do him no good because he doesnt want to be there. i say doesnt matter your going and its not just for him its becuase my home is a battleground when he is here - i have another child and i cant have her living with a drug addict. Educating myself on this disease helped me a great deal, finding the support of my community saved me and my son - I dont think he would be alive right now had they not stepped in. You cannot walk away from a child but you can set boundaries as long as you have the strength to enforce them. You may never change your child but you will change yourself and find the strength to get through this.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Omaha, NE
Posts: 8
First of all I am a mother and an alcoholic who grew up with alcoholic step fathers. So I know enough about addiction. If your son cannot respect your rules you need to pratice tough love with him. Step 3-Turn your will and life over to the care of God: as you understand him. You will never be able to stop him from using. He has to make that decision. You are getting upset over an addiction that no human power can fix. You need to kick him out if he cannot follow the rules of your home. Get help in Al-anon for yourself and leave the rest to God. Is it hard.......you bet it is, however, what you are doing is not helping him, and what he is doing is not working. Maybe he needs to hit rock bottom. My mom kicked me out and would not talk to me until I got help. I have relapsed three times but I am trying. I do have a relationship with my mother today because I am doing what is right and that is working the AA program, having a sponsor and working the steps. If he does not do these simple things he will never be free from bondage. I hope this helped. I don't mean to be harsh but this is the reality of how powerful drugs, alcohol, ect...are. I wish you and your son the best.
Concerned
Concerned
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 584
Mooselips and Soberforme, I know it is a hard call that I don't know if I could follow through on, but for now it scares my son and I can use it to keep a little control till the probation kicks in. I for sure don't want to mess up his life with a record, but I want him to keep his life by living. I am not sure what will end up happening in the court system, I am hopefull they will listen to me that this child need a rehab. Joey is also very good at sucking me in, because he knows I want to believe him........since this last time it has been a real wake up call for me, but I could feel him starting again last night. Thank you for the kind welcome.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 584
Originally Posted by Birdy43
First of all I am a mother and an alcoholic who grew up with alcoholic step fathers. So I know enough about addiction. If your son cannot respect your rules you need to pratice tough love with him. Step 3-Turn your will and life over to the care of God: as you understand him. You will never be able to stop him from using. He has to make that decision. You are getting upset over an addiction that no human power can fix. You need to kick him out if he cannot follow the rules of your home. Get help in Al-anon for yourself and leave the rest to God. Is it hard.......you bet it is, however, what you are doing is not helping him, and what he is doing is not working. Maybe he needs to hit rock bottom. My mom kicked me out and would not talk to me until I got help. I have relapsed three times but I am trying. I do have a relationship with my mother today because I am doing what is right and that is working the AA program, having a sponsor and working the steps. If he does not do these simple things he will never be free from bondage. I hope this helped. I don't mean to be harsh but this is the reality of how powerful drugs, alcohol, ect...are. I wish you and your son the best. I think it is wonderful that you are clean, keep it up it is working for you. Concerned
Is it just me or is there 1000s more addicts today then there was years ago. When I was growing up the drugs were nothing like they are today, some of the things my son tells me just about the weed today is scarey.....what happen to the war on drugs, I don't think it is working. (((Hugs)))
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