Ann

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Dealing with Painful Feelings

Feelings of hurt or anger can be some of the most difficult to face. We can feel so vulnerable, frightened, and powerless when these feelings appear. And these feelings may trigger memories of other, similar times when we felt powerless.

Sometimes, to gain a sense of control, we may punish the people around us, whether they are people we blame for these feelings or innocent bystanders. We may try to "get even," or we may manipulate behind people's backs to gain a sense of power over the situation.

These actions may give us a temporary feeling of satisfaction, but they only postpone facing our pain.

Feeling hurt does not have to be so frightening. We do not have to work so hard to avoid it. While hurt feelings aren't as much fun as feeling happy, they are, still, just feelings.

We can surrender to them, feel them, and go on. That does not mean we have to seek out hurt feelings or dwell unnecessarily on them. Emotional pain does not have to devastate us. We can sit still, feel the pain, figure out if there's something we need to do to take care of ourselves, and then go on with our life.

We do not have to act in haste; we do not have to punish others to get control over our feelings. We can begin sharing our hurt feelings with others. That brings relief and often healing to them and to us.

Eventually, we learn the lesson that real power comes from allowing ourselves to be vulnerable enough to feel hurt. Real power comes from knowing we can take care of ourselves, even when we feel emotional pain. Real power comes when we stop holding others responsible for our pain, and we take responsibility for all our feelings.

Today, I will surrender to my feelings, even the emotionally painful ones. Instead of acting in haste, or attempting to punish someone, I will be vulnerable enough to feel my feelings.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

Ann

An important lesson I have learned, through dealing with pain and working my recovery, is that emotional pain doesn't last forever. Sometimes it feels like it will, but with time, healing and some effort on our part, the pain becomes less, the lessons become clear, and we can move ahead wiser for the journey.

Hugs

grateful2b

I have come to discover after times of great emotional pain, the gift that it can be...the light that is shed on a new awareness of myself that can come from embracing emotional pain...where before, I avoided the pain, it is now a nudge to dig a little deeper

winnie12

I agree wholeheartedly with grateful and was thinking the same exact thing while i read this post. What I have found is that its through the difficult times that we actually grow as a person. The good times are wonderful and they refresh us and show us the joy in life but its the tough times that build character, strengthen us and help us to see what is really important. I used to run from pain - hide from it and now even though i dont enjoy it I accept it as an inevitable part of life that changes me to become something more than I am.

If I had only experienced the good times in my life I would not be 1/4 of the person that I am and I'm pretty happy with who I have become because of all experiences good and bad. I think that the addict is afraid of change and cant embrace the good and bad experiences so tries to hide in what they have fooled themselves into thinking is a good experience. This is one reason that i have personally not found much help from anti-depressants because for me I need to feel the pain to get through it and to become who I am meant to be.

SerenityGirl

I have always wanted to avoid painful feelings also, I use to do that with drinking or pills. Now I realize I do it through trying to control or fixing things. If I feel guilty then to take the feeling away I give in to the person, or If I feel fear, do what the person wants me to do so they won't be angry..anything so I won't feel the painful feeling...but like grateful says going through the emotional pain can be a gift.

cessy68

Here is the difficult part for me in my letting go of my abf.

The pain associated with looseing the man I love. I have avoided it at all costs. I took him back numerous times, to satisfy MY needs- which were to get out of the PAIN of LOOSEING him.

It's a place I don't want to be even now. I could write to others here, about how without experienceing pain- we would not ever be able to experience joy- however, it's always easier to give advice than to take it.

Thankyou for that post, I will re - read this a few times today, because I feel like I'm slipping- I want to do ANYTHING to get out of the pain I'm in, includeing takeing him back.

I won't do that, but I really do need help in that area.

Love,
Cessy

winnie12

cessy sometimes we have to determine if we are just delaying the inevitable. I would rather get poked in the eye once really hard knowing that it can heal then get poked slowly in the eye reapeatedly for the rest of my life.

I used to stay in bad relationships becuase I couldnt handle the pain of being alone. Now I realize that my happiness doesnt come from a man and a man that makes me feel unhappy does not deserve to be in my life. Reclaim your life sister - its the only one you have.

cessy68

MMMM, you are right there ms. winnie!!!!!

I was just laying in bed (my day off) and 'thinking' about things. I told myself that he obviously took for granted everything that HE had with ME.

I said to myself, I would rather be alone, and know I walked away, ON MY TERMS, than to live life lyeing to myself, about the relationship I am in. I would rather hold MY head high and said I CHOOSE to let go- rather than to be mistreated. I have to find some peace in all of this.

AND U ARE RIGHT....

Thats how I'm looking at it. I can choose to walk away, and inflict the pain of loss, etc on myself, (pokeing myself in the eye once) than to have HIM slowly but surely poke me over and over, and over............

thanks for that winnie,
Love,
Cessy