Maggiemac

Today like all others I sit thinking of my boy. Crying and hoping and praying and wishing things were different. Why did this whole thing happen. I have to get a grip I can't spend my life crying about this it is not going to change things. I keep telling my self this grief will get better well today it was worse don't know why just was. I forgot to take my medication that was it and it must be helping since I have been on it the crying is not so bad except for today. Here I am forgetting to take a pill and all my son could think about was taking some. How different were we I know I had this child so he had to have some of me in him. I never drank didn't take anything the doctor didn't order for me. I am not a thief I do tell a white lie now and again not to hurt someones feelings. I never went to jail where did my boy get this from.
He was happy never wanted for anything. Had friends, many girlfriends,(to many if you ask me) they all loved him he always made them laugh and had fun with them. He and I would watch tv together we would laugh until we cried. Jason did have a very soft heart he would cry when we went to see his dad when he was so sick in the hospital. When his dad got home would help me with him. Up to the time of his (Jason) death he would call his dad just to see how he was.
Last night I was up late husband and grandson in bed. I was watching TV. I have a chime clock. at 10 to 12 Midnight that clock went crazy just chiming and chiming about 20 times then the clocked stopped I had it open it up and get it started again. I am sure it was Jason way of telling me stop crying for me mum I love you.
Maggiemac:praying

marle

I am glad that you remember your son's good heart. Addiction is so hard to understand and even more so is trying to understand why some addicts recover and others don't get that chance. Sometimes when I hear about good people dying I feel guilty about my daughter still being here when she took so many chances with her life during her active addiction years. But then I just have to trust that God has a plan for all of us and I have to live in faith. Please do not feel badly about still grieving your son. It is a process. Are there any support groups that you could join for parents that have lost a child. It may help you to share your grief with those who know what you are feeling. Sending you some hugs and prayers. Marle

howareyounow

Huggs.

I'm going to go hug my boys. I know what I have and I know what I can loose.
Thank you.
I wish one of my hugs to the boys could be from you to yours. I pray that your suffering gets just a little better....
It's ok to be sad.

imallright

oh Maggie.... Once again I am so sorry for your pain. My kids are w/their Dad and I miss them so much it hurts like **ll... so I can not imagine your pain. Know that you son is at rest. His pain has ended and he would not want you to be in pain. LIfe is a precious gift and his was cut short. Breathe, know that you were meant to be here and go on and enjoy life. There are many of us here who are ready to listen and support... and I am one of them. Hope this helps at least a little. HUGS

greeteachday

(((((Maggie)))))
I've found grieving to be in some ways like recovering from major surgery. In the beginning it is non-stop pain. Then gradually, there are moments where I almost forget I have pain, but then the pain comes back. In time the pain subsides...maybe just aches, then suddenly, like a ton of bricks and for no apparent reason, it strikes full force again...then gradually subsides. I guess that is why we call it healing. I know posting here is helpful to you and I'm glad it is of comfort. If you think it would help to speak with someone too, there are many counselors who specialize in grief and also some good books that talk about losing a child.

I do believe addiction is a disease. I don't think Jason wanted to be hooked on pills nor did he want to steal. This disease is so cunning and baffling...I hate it.

I picture your Jason and my Kristen and all the other sons and daughters we have lost to this awful disease, hanging out together...laughing and happy...at peace with no worries, no drugs, just peace and happiness. That picture helps me realize that my sadness is because I miss my daughter, but I know she is in a better place. Over time, that picture has helped me move from that horrible pain, to an ache and even now to smiles as I remember some of the wonderful times we had together.

I think that is the message Jason is sending you...I'm good, Mom, I'm okay don't worry about me and when you are ready, it is okay to smile as you remember the times we shared together.

Sending prayers and thoughts of comfort your way.

Hangin' In

(((((((((((((Maggiemac))))))))))))))))))

Just wanted you to know I am thinking of you and will say a prayer for you tonight before I go to bed. Like Greet said, your son is happy and not suffering from his disease anymore. And I just know he would want you to be enjoying your life, just like Greet said.

I'm so sorry for your sadness, but the cloud will lift. I just know it will. You HP is there to help you through this.

Hugs,
Hangin' In

nenacarol

I know exactly how you are feeling. I had a bad day Sunday. I had the stomach flu. On top of that it was the 4th anniversary of my mother's death. We were very close. And being so sick made me really want to be with my mom. Her death got me to thinking about my son Ryan who died in April from a drug overdose. I lost it and I cried most of the day. But I can tell you that these episodes do not come as frequently as they once did. I think it is perfectly normal. There are no rules to grieving. There is no wrong or right. Grief is what it is for you. And that is ok. I also lost my first daughter as an infant from Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. I know from that experience that it takes a lot of time to be able to deal with the death of a child or a loved one. I am grateful for the time I got to spend with both of those children. And I know I will be with them again one day.
Take care of yourself. It is ok to think of yourself a lot at this time. You need to.

winnie12

As always, my thoughts and prayers are with you. Sometimes its hard for me to read your posts because what you are going through is what I most fear but it helps in other ways becuase it does make me appreciate the fact that at least for today I do have my son and I thank you for giving me the gift of appreciation for my situation.

Maggie have you looked into any grief counseling yet? there are many free services for this - individual and group counseling where you could meet others suffering the pain of loosing a child. I really think you could find some comfort sharing these with other people who truly understand how you feel right now. My brother lost his daughter a few years ago and it really helped his family - you never get over it but you can learn to live with the pain.

I think its wonderful that you are remembering the good things about your son - these are things that you should hold close to your heart not the bad situation that lead to his death. When you describe your son he sounds so much like my own. I guess if you had a child that was depressed all the time it would make more sense to us. I think for my son its the fact that he is such a social person and people do like his personality so much and that draws him to the party lifestyle. As a mother watching his demise I mostly feel sad becuase I know that he could have so much more in this life if he could just walk away from the social aspects he finds so important. Some people fall into addiction becuase of emotional problems but i feel there is a group that falls in because of their social personality - they become the life of the party and thrive there until it slowly destroys them. Unfortnuately, I dont know that you will ever find the answers to satisfy your questions but I do think you will find peace in time. If the pain becomes too great please see a professional - doctor, psychologist, grief counselor, anyone you are comfortable with. This type of pain is overwhelming and there are people who can help you. I know that it sounds trite but this too shall pass and will become bearable in time.