ZombieWife

Any man who would say a woman "deserved" to be raped and laughs is either:

1. A rapist himself.
2. Devoid of feeling and empathy.

Ok, why are you with him? If any man dared to laugh at one of my friends who was raped, I would not only leave him, but probably think about kicking him in the junk. He's a ****. (Fill in the blank)

Not to support HIS story, but vicodin makes me sick. I refuse to take it. It makes me throw up. It makes me feel like caca. I can't sleep while on it. I just feel sick and nauseated.

duet_4-8

Hey Done,
I don't post much anymore although I do read here most everyday to keep up with the folks who meant so much in my recovery and ultimate divorce from my exh, and you are one of the ones at the top of the list, so I jumped in here.

Take away the part about being a doctor and he could BE my exh! I lived in that particular kind of hell for a long time.

Ever heard the term 'gaslighting'? It's what it sounds to me like he is doing. He abuses you, and then reinvents history and you end up questioning your own sense of reality. It can get really crazy, really quickly.

Have you ever been in one of those amusement park houses built with odd angles that skew your perception and confuse your balance and you can't walk well....imagine living in one....

All I can say is just please walk away and walk away fast. You have come too far to get sucked back into the madness, even if he is 'McDreamy'. (Who is also my ultimate fantasy LOL!!)

IMHO any addiction he may have is just the tip of a very scary iceberg...

((((HUGS))))

Done_With_It

Thank You... It does help to hear other stories, especially cause you always think, that would never happen to me, and even though I know, there is still that voice, that is in my head that just keeps going back over everything, trying to make sure........
And I am sure he's not going to make it easy when I tell him, I'm Done.
It's interesting that you mentioned the hateful thing, I felt like he would do things to like build me up and then break me down, then I would think I'm just taking things to personal.

He would get mad too when I wouldn't take his money, and he kept trying to get me to quit my job. The last guy I dated like that ended up being a huge crack addict that I had to get a restraining order on.

Thank You, I'm just really frustrated with myself.
Thanks Cessy....

I hear you........ and agree.....
He hates gay people, and this person is gay. Most of my best friends and roommates are gay, which I didn't know how we would ever work out strictly because of that.

When I tried to say something, he started going on about how if I was really that upset then I would have done more about it, etc... and then how he was kidding and I take things to seriously. I don't know...


I don't know, this just happened and it was one of the things that made me start to realize.......

It was more, that I got so upset and don't remember much.
Calling my friend, etc. Just weird, I was just so out of it...


Never heard of gaslighting but that sounds like it, and especially the confusing my balance, which is already easy for me to do...
I will walk away...... I was so sick to my stomach earlier when I got here,
but already feel a little bit better.... I hate feeling like I have been.
I'm glad you stopped by, thank you so much for posting to me.
:ghug

tanyapmc

Run like HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!

duet_4-8

That's very interesting, and I saw some of that movie once but couldn't stand to watch it because it seemed very familiar. I remember the man being very intentional in his actions.

I would add, though, that at least for me in my marriage, I don't think my exh was plotting to do anything. He was(is) suffering from a very serious mental imbalance, and the whole 'gaslighting' thing stems from his inability to ever, ever, EVER accept responsibility for abusive behavior, infidelity, addiction, etc, etc, etc....

To me its a bit like addiction X100. A lot of the same craziness, the lies, the abusive language, the total lack of concern for anyone else's feelings or needs, etc, but the drugs are not the main issue. They are a symptom, a coping mechanism. The denial of any wrong doing and the insistence that what I knew to be true was not true was another coping mechanism. It's part of the disorder and it is almost impossible to treat because before it can be addressed in therapy, the person has to admit they have something wrong with them and that is something that they simply will not do and will avoid at all costs.

Done, google 'Narcissitic Personality Disorder', or 'Borderline Personality Disorder', or even 'Antisocial Personality Disorder'. (And know that they can all coexist in one person and you will likely see him in more than one of them.)

I bet a dollar to a donut you will see this guy in one of those places....

espresso

Sending you:ghug
Seems everyone is saying the same thing - and you deserve better

itisatruth

You will feel better, give yourself some time, talk to your friends now more than ever. The important thing is you are safe -- and you stay that way.

So many have fallen into this kind of trap, it sounds almost crazy if you've never "been there" but people like that take advantage of trusting folks who are forgiving.

Done, please take good care of yourself.

Thanks2HP

Get out now.... The longer you wait the more difficult it will be.

The more emotionally invested your are in the relationship, the more difficult it will be to end it.

Best of luck....

-R

Disclaimer: The views expressed in this post are my own and do not necessarily reflect the views of anyone else in the known universe.

Morning Glory

He sounds like he is in the "most dangerous" category. Make sure you give his name and address to many people and I think you should tell your friends and mom about him. From what you've said he sounds like he may even become a stalker if you let it go on any longer. It usually takes about 3 months for behavior like this to start. He can't even control himself for 2 weeks so it will probably get much worse. It should only take you about 2 weeks to get over this with no contact. I would report him for pushing you down the stairs now even if it has been too long for them to do anything about it. At least you'll start a paper trail that will help you get a restraining order if you need one.
Please don't go anywhere with him alone.

It does not make you stupid when someone tricks you or is deceitful. That's on them. It sounds like you dropped your boundaries a little too fast and gave some of your power away. You can take your power back now and walk away. In 2 weeks you'll feel better.

Don't hesitate to call the police.

Done_With_It

Thank You.....
I found a lot of him in the Narcissitic PD, some of it was the total opposite which was weird, but some of this stuff is so him...
I will have to read the other ones tomorrow.


they'll flatter the hell out of you if you have something they can use or if, for some reason, they perceive you as an authority figure. they'll treat you well enough that you may mistake it for love. But, as soon as you try to get close to them, they'll say that you are too demanding -- they'll presume that you belong to them as a possession or an appendage, and treat you very very badly right away. The abrupt change from decent treatment to outright abuse is very shocking and bewildering, and it's so contrary to normal experience

Narcissists are threatened and enraged by trivial disagreements,


The most telling thing that narcissists do is contradict themselves. They will do this virtually in the same sentence, without even stopping to take a breath. It can be trivial (e.g., about what they want for lunch) or it can be serious (e.g., about whether or not they love you). When you ask them which one they mean, they'll deny ever saying the first one, though it may literally have been only seconds since they said it -- really, how could you think they'd ever have said that? You need to have your head examined! They will contradict FACTS. They will lie to you about things that you did together. They will misquote you to yourself. If you disagree with them, they'll say you're lying, making stuff up, or are crazy. [At this point, if you're like me, you sort of panic LOL and want to talk to anyone who will listen about what is going on: this is a healthy reaction; it's a reality check ("who's the crazy one here?"); that you're confused by the narcissist's contrariness, that you turn to another person to help you keep your bearings, that you know something is seriously wrong and worry that it might be you are all signs that you are not a narcissist]

Narcissists are (a) extremely sensitive to personal criticism and (b) extremely critical of other people. They think that they must be seen as perfect or superior or infallible, next to god-like (if not actually divine, then sitting on the right hand of God) -- or else they are worthless. There's no middle ground of ordinary normal humanity for narcissists. They can't tolerate the least disagreement. In fact, if you say, "Please don't do that again -- it hurts," narcissists will turn around and do it again harder to prove that they were right the first time; their reasoning seems to be something like "I am a good person and can do no wrong; therefore, I didn't hurt you and you are lying about it now..." -- sorry, folks, I get lost after that. Anyhow, narcissists are habitually cruel in little ways, as well as big ones, because they're paying attention to their fantasy and not to you, but the bruises on you are REAL, not in your imagination. Thus, no matter how gently you suggest that they might do better to change their ways or get some help, they will react in one of two equally horrible ways: they will attack or they will withdraw. Be wary of wandering into this dragon's cave -- narcissists will say ANYTHING, they will trash anyone in their own self-justification, and then they will expect the immediate restoration of the status quo. They will attack you (sometimes physically) and spew a load of bile, insult, abuse, contempt, threats, etc., and then -- well, it's kind of like they had indigestion and the vicious tirade worked like a burp: "There. Now I feel better. Where were we?" They feel better, so they expect you to feel better, too. They will say you are nothing, worthless, and turn around immediately and say that they love you. When you object to this kind of treatment, they will say, "You just have to accept me the way I am.


Thanks again everyone, maybe I will sleep tonight, I haven't been able to sleep lately...... I'm tired.......


:ghug3

Impurrfect

(((Done)))

Sorry I'm late on this, but I just wanted to send you my hugs and prayers. Get away from him, and if he causes any problems, we will all jump on the codie bus and hunt him down....NOBODY messes with our Miss Done!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Done_With_It

Laurie said the same thing. His brother is a cop.
I don't know how much help they would be, but
if I had to go, I would still go.

I am thinking he isn't going to put up a fight with me.
Guys like him can find a girl in a second.
He can find someone younger, cuter, if he wants, or
what ever he wants, so many girls out here, don't
care how they get treated if they are "taken care of".



I am hoping that's how it goes anyway.... :praying

Good advice, Thank You.........

Ann

I hope he will move on, Done. Sadly, it's often not about getting the next pretty victim hooked, it's about control and you are taking control here and he has lost his "power".

Please be careful. What MG said about him possibly becoming a stalker has been on my mind too.

The more you talk about this with other people, the more aware he is that lots of people know who he is and are watching out for you, the safer you will be.

This isn't just about a hurting heart, Done, this is about your life. Please be the strong person I know you can be and do what you need to do to take care of yourself.

Hugs

ctrom40

Done,

I am coming on board a little late on this but, please walk away from this man - OK maybe run

When I started reading your thread, all I could think of was:

He sounds like a narcissist.... not to mention also a PUTZ!

You deserve to be treated like a queen, not an object to be controlled.

Hugs,

Hangin' In

Done,

I know I'm coming to this late, but I just wanted to add my "AMEN" to what everyone else has said.

As codies it's so easy for us to get confused and rationalize what we are doing. But he's so this...and he's so that, and it usually is so wonderful ... etc.

Done, there are red flags all over this and I'm pretty sure you know in your gut you need to get out. Please, please put distance between you and this guy. I'd not accept phone calls or emails or text mesages or anything so you can have some time free of his influence ... time where you can clear your head and hear what everyone here is saying.

Done, I don't know where you are spiritually, but I KNOW that I KNOW that I KNOW this is not the good plan your HP has for your life. Please heed all the warnings signs here. It will only get worse if you continue to go with the emotions. You have to think with your head.

I'm keeping you in my prayers.

Hugs,
Hangin' In

splendra

Hey sweetie,

Nothing distracts me from underlying behavior like intellegence and good conversation. When someone does not want others to know about their demons they get pretty good at hiding it.

I think addicts like to find someone to hide behind someone to point to if things come into question concerning their behavior. It is my experience that they can be so subtle and underhanded in manipulating someone to be their scape goat. Please be aware that the trip to Hawaii may well be a manipulation tactic.

Think about what would be at stake if it was discovered that he is a drug addict....his career would be at serious risk.

Gurrrrrrrl you better listen to your gut!!!!

caileesnana

Go with your gut. You are one smart girl!

love,
susan

outtolunch

He is seeking a fallen bird and you are going to surprise him and fly away.

Jewelz

Oh Done I am also sorry I am coming in late in this thread.. sorry i wasnt here sooner.

My heart was literally turning all different ways while I was reading your posts here. When I was a family worker the cases with domestic violence always pulled to me. The mind of the abuser amazed me, how they showed so much affection in the begining, how the victim feels so loved by all the attention and how slowly or even fast the abuser twists situations, confuses the victim and isolates them so much that the victim feels she has no one... basically brainwashes the victim.

Done, to me when you believe you dont want to tell family or friends whats going on thats when you really need to contact them. Kind of like when people dont want to go to a NA or Naranon meeting thats when the person probably needs it the most.

I have watched you grow so much in your recovery... and even now with all your going through you were able to reach out to us thats an amazing thing when your are going through what u are going through. I pray that you leave this man, pray that you give yourself time to heal from the tramua you have endured even if it seems minimal to you its not... I see red flags ever where as do everyone else. I am sure you see them too thats what you came to us.

Done you are strongly on my mind now, please know I am praying for you to have strength to go through everything.

Hugs,
Jewelz

laurie6781

Just remember sweetie, what we talked about, if he should decide to try stalking, not only do you file the report with the police, you send copies of your report, dates, times and tapes of messages left on your voice mail to the California Medical Board.

They have GREAT DISTASTE for Drs that stalk.

There are 'legal' ways to put this jerk under wraps for a long time, if he bothers our Miss Done again.

Call anytime, and I'll check on you later today.

Love and hugs,