lifeisfunny

I have drafted the following letter to my EXAGF as an attempt to have her see what her addiction has done and is doing to her. I have no illusions that this will have any impact but I feel I must
1) acknowledge her addiction and
2) confront her on it.
I think this will give me the ability to move forward a bit.

As a note We never had this conversation. I can only think of two times when it "came up" and it was only discussed for minutes and brushed under the rug and we moved on. However, when it was "over" it ended real quick with little conversation, all that was ever said was we don't fit and its over.

I have a previous post which has more background so I will not post again. "Contact with my EXAGF" (will not let me post the link)

Is sending this letter even a good idea?

I've thought about sending a copy to her mother as well. Thoughts?

What do you think of the letter itself? I tried to put the "ball in her court" because it is and detach but... The "Ted" i refer to in the letter is a HS EXABF who last spring killed someone in a car accident while high and is waiting to go to prison (trial any day now and open and closed case sorry I know inocent until proven). "Ted" has been an addict since HS and has been in and out of rehab (never in recovery mode). Even after he killed someone he was arrested again for selling Vicos. So I guess I looking for shock factor.

All thoughts, feelings etc are welcome (be harsh its okay).
Thanks - Life
___________________________________________

Hey You & “You”,
I hope your holidays were good and new years went well. I’m writing for one reason and one reason only, and that reason is “YOU”. I know you’re thinking this is going to be some impassioned plea for you to return to my life but surprise, it’s not.

I am writing because we have never had a conversation (a real conversation) about this subject. I never had the courage to address this with you and even if I did it probably would have brought an end to our relationship even sooner. You can deny your problem, call me names, and hate me if you want, but save your energy you’re going to need it. Know I’m writing out of LOVE, RESPECT, and HOPE for YOU, from my heart. I would be half the man I am if I did not this write letter. As a father I hope someone would do this for "Life's Son" if he were in trouble.

I know the reason you ended this relationship was because of a disease called addiction. I’m not sure if this was your intended outcome or if I was merely a casualty but never the less what happened, happened. I believe at the beginning of our relationship you where a recreational user of pills and coke. I also think this has been a battle you have been wagging for some time. When you met “the most special man to ever touch your life” you either stopped using or cut back quite a bit. This was proven by statements from your mother like “Life, I have to say thank you for treating EXAGF so well, I have not seen her this happy in some time now.” Maybe it wasn’t me that was making you happy but being clean(er) was, but you where happy and could smile. You showed me how wonderful and loving a person EXAGF IS. As time went by you began to use more often all the while hiding this growing problem from me and becoming unhappy. Once you could no longer hide your habit from me the “obstacle” to your “happiness” needed to go. You gave up so much, so easily, for so little in return. Instead of throwing me out of your life you could have asked me for help. True love does not give up!! Sometimes all it takes is a little push and support from a loved one. You could have seen the meaning of true love which by the way equals true happiness!

It saddens me when such a beautiful person falls off track and is too proud to ask for help. This is not High School anymore; this is the real world with real consequences, just ask Ted what these substances have done to him. While you’re at it ask him what they have done for him. I can’t make you get help or snap my fingers and make your addiction go away, you have to want a better life for yourself and for the people who love you. Don’t think for a second that this disease is only affecting you because it is not, it is affecting every aspect of your life (friends, family, colleagues, clients; past, present and future). I guess the question you have to ask yourself “Is this the life I want for myself?” Without HOPE and FAITH what do we have? When I meet you, you had a HOPE and FAITH wrist band maybe it’s time to dust it off?

True happiness is not found at the bottom of a bottle or in a little white powder. You have nothing to be ashamed of, this disease kills thousands and effects millions. It’s how we respond to the adversity that will define our lives. I’ve told you before and I will tell you again, that THE MOST SPECIAL MAN TO EVER TOUCH YOUR LIFE is NOT done touching your life. I pray for you on a daily basis and will continue to do so. If this is the only way I can “touch” your life that’s okay. But know I am your biggest cheerleader and supporter for your recovery and the future that awaits you. If you need to call upon your biggest cheerleader; today, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, because you’re ready to HELP YOURSELF but need support I will be here. I do not have all the answers but do know there is a better way! You were meant to live for so much more!

No Matter How Spoiled our Past May Be, our Future is Spotless!

With all that is good in this world &
all the Love in my Heart,

"Life"

TakingCharge999

Hello Life,
Now that you are at it can you pass a copy to my ex as well?

Ultimately you will do what is best for you, my humble opinion is that if you give out this letter it will make YOU feel at peace so.. go ahead. Sometimes I also considered contacting my exAHBf's dad to make him aware of the problem but.. you can go so far.. well whatever you decide it is OK, just do not expect anything else... we all live hoping for the day they wake up from the hell they live but your job now is to get better yourself.

I think this letter will bring the closure you need. Hope it brings you peace. I feel a lot of empathy for you, I think everyone that knows an AH would like to send the very same message. Good for you if you can do it. But then remember to keep your promise and don't contact this person again.
Hugs!!

hope213

welcome to s.r. i am glad you are with us. imo i would not mail the letter or give it to her. she knows what she has done & it will only make matters worse for you. she will be in contact with you. let her go.stay with your recovery & keep coming back. we are here for you. prayers, hope

laurie6781

Life welcome to SR. You have found a GREAT place and will get lots of Experience, Strength and Hope (ES&H) shared with you.

Now that you have written this letter, read it again, then burn it. The letter is for you NOT FOR HER. She will not understand it. It will **** her off, it will create drama that you really don't want to have to deal with it.

Writing it was the Catharsis not sending it.

May I suggest that you find some Alanon or Naranon meeting for you? I add Alanon, because many times there are more of those at different times in an area making them more convenient.

Alanon or Naranon are for YOU. They help you to figure out your own boundaries, why you were drawn to the addicted person, and how to keep it from happening again.

Hope this helps.

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

Taking5

This letter will not make anything better with your AXGF, however IMHO it wont make anything worse either, so I'd send it. I would not send it to the mom, this is not a business memo that you casually CC: to someone else.

One caveat, sending the letter it won't make anything worse UNLESS you are actually EXPECTING this letter to work. The most important thing to do is to have ZERO expectations if you do send it. If you have any expectations you are about 99.9% sure to be disappointed, in which case sending the letter will hurt YOU.

Cupicake

Your letter seems more about making a point rather than finding closure for yourself especially since you want her mother to receive a copy - - "the reason for that is?". You sound angry...deservedly so...being in love with an addict can take, literally, years away from your life. I understand that need to make a point but it is often pointless to do so. You don't need to reiterate to both mom and girlfriend that you knew you were the best thing in her life. Sounds like mom already knew and girlfriend...well, I don't know if she's even thought about it. My mom keeps on telling me that I was the best thing in my exah's life and that she hopes that he knows this. I would tell my mom that, really...what is the point whether he knows or not. It didn't make him stop using drugs for me during our marriage nor did it stop him after I divorced him. Consider your intentions with your letter and whether or not you want to re-open doors that you may regret re-opening. I'm not telling you not to send the letter nor am I telling you to send the letter. I'm just saying think before you make a decision. You got all of your feelings down on paper - - a kind of purging of sorts. That should've lifted some of the anger you were feeling...so being of clearer mind....think about it first.

winnie12

Is writing the letter one last final attempt to get her to change - do you deep down inside think that she will read it and exclaim "oh my he is right." If so burn it. If you are writing it for yourself then I would limit the amount of "you" statements and instead turn them into "I" statements.

You're not going to change her. One of the biggest lessons i have learned in all of my drama with AS is never give unsolicited advice - no one wants it and no one listens to it - it just comes across as condescending when someone is in denial of their problems. Even if my son asks me my opinion I keep it short and sweet and let him find his own answers but on my own popping up and giving advice or analyzing his problems just pushes him further away from me and further away from accepting recovery - it has to be on their terms.

I write my son letters all the time but dont send them because they are only for me.

cassandra2

I agree with winnie. I too fell for the write him a letter and "he will see exactly how I feel and it would change everything". WRONG.

When they are in denial of their problem and whether or not they are actively using they dont UNDERSTAND REASON.

I dont want to sound harsh but its the truth. So many times we try this and that thinking that it will work and the light will turn on in their heads and they will have this AHA moment but it just doesnt work that way.

Winnie is right is just sounds condescending to them. They get more angry because they think you are rubbing it in their faces about their addictions.

I appreciate the letter that you wrote but dont give it to her. It wont change anything. Maybe down the road if or when she gets clean it will be an eye opener for her but not now.

The idea of letting go is to stop fixing, doing, helping, talking, writing, anything that you think will "help" them isnt. They have to hit their own bottom whatever that may be.

I know its hard it took me 3 months to finally let go. And I still get an idea. "oh maybe if I say this or even better I will print this out and he will read it and whala FIXED". Then I quickly come back to reality and know that I CANT fix anything with someone else.

If these types of letters worked for addicts there would be books on how to write a letter to change someones thinking. There isnt. But there are books that will teach you how to let go and let them find out for themselves.

Sometimes stepping out of their way and letting them suffer their own consequences helps them reach their bottom faster then any letter.......

cessy68

Writing letters is my constant downfall. My mom always wrote me letters as well.....

It got her nowhere. I'm not an addict, but when my behaviour fell short of what she deemed to be her standards, she'd 'write me a letter'. It did nothing.

People make decisions based on what they want to do.

Reading a letter won't get through to her hon, if letters worked, we all wouldn't be writing here, we would be writing to our loved ones and BOOM, our problems would be solved!!

Keep writing FOR YOURSELF.... even if you write it to her. Then put it away....
Don't send it, you'll be glad someday that you didn't.

Keep writing here, everyone is extremely helpful and insightful.
Take care,
Cessy

lifeisfunny

Thanks to all who viewed and posted and thanks for the well wishes. Its comforting to know I'm not going through this alone and that I have SR for support. Today, I went out and bought "Codependent No More". How can I expect someone to help themselves if I don't take steps to help myself!! I know she knows EVERYTHING I wrote in my letter so what is the point in sending it. At the same time I know I must detach and sending the letter or talking to her mom would cross that "line". Work on ME, Work on ME, Work on ME and start today!!!!

Thanks Again You are all Incredible People

Cupicake

Yes....It's often the hardest thing to do.
It physically and emotionally hurt to have to look at myself and my behaviors and what steps I needed to take. My stomach would be in knots while I fought against urges to want to continue to fix and make my exah "aware" of what he was doing. Honestly, he already knew. There was nothing I could tell him that he didn't already know.
Through the pain of working on yourself you will find that working on yourself is often an enlightening and fullfilling experience.

sknyfats

Boy - if I had a nickel for all the message/letters like that I've written - and DIDN'T send. I actually have saved most of them. The times I have passed something like that along to my AGF, it almost always made things worse between us. Very rarely is the good & love you're trying to convey seen. Intead - the messages are cherry picked so that they can say you're attacking them or throwing things in their face.

Nothing beats face to face. The problem I - and most of us probably deal with - is that getting quality communication, face to face - is right up in the top 3 major issues we have with our addicts. I'd venture its part of the root cause as to why they're addicts in the first place.

Good luck with whatever your decision.