lil516

My son became an addict while away at college but we didn't "see" the warning signs....
we didn't "hear" his cries for help either...
when he talked about coming home, we encouraged him to buckle down and finish the semester....
boy do I wish I could undo that advice

if your daughter is asking for help...hear her pleas
she has probably tried unsuccessfully to get it under control

this disease progresses quickly...
unfortunately, you have a head start on understanding addiction having lived with it before
for me...i was so naive...it took many incidents and set backs before I finally realized what we were up against

You and your daughter are in my prayers

kelsh

Hi Kathy,

You have received a lot of experience, strength, & hope but this is only one day....just think about more of the same for you and also if you attend alanon for drugs &/or alcohol problems your daughter is having you will have much more insight into the need to take care of yourselves and learn about how much you have been invoved with your daughter's addiction than you could ever have believed.

I have a brother & a son affected by drugs & alcohol. My brother is 67 & is trying to get off of methametaphine by continuing to drink to help the pain & sickness of withdrawal.

I had to take things in my own hands to get our family home (Dad left it to both of us) sold before it went into foreclosure. I had been paying the back property taxes & now am retired and just plain worried about something bad happening in the house with no home owner's insurance since my brother had let it lapse.

I knew he had a problem with depression & alcohol but not the drugs. I hadn't heard from him for three years when I finally told my lawyer that we needed to evict him & whoever he was renting bedrooms to...he did not go back to work after our Dad died. He moved in with Dad when our Mom died.

Then I got a phone call from a friend of mine that was taking care of my brother not too many miles from where I live...he is a contractor like my brother and has been clean & sober for 10 years...is the age of my brother's son. I didn't know exactly when the letter would be mailed out but here was my brother too sick to help...still with a warrant for unpaid fines, with teeth missing, glasses broken, and just as lovable as ever. My friend said that my brother was in no shape to help.

Since Jean was a contractor with his license up to date, I asked him to do the job of cleaning out 50 years of family living plus the drug house messes.
The five bedroom house was in good condition three years before but now truly looked like the inside of crack houses I have seen on TV.

I drove the eight hour drive with my youngest daughter & we helped with a yard sale....it was so unbelievable & heartbreaking that this home that really seemed like a castle to me when we moved there was in such condition.

I rented a contractor type dumpster for $800 and they filled it up. Also the local police came by looking for my brother & the next day the FBI came by looking for one of the bedroom renters that was long gone.

They say something positive can come out of a bad situation if you try hard enough to look past the negatives. A lady & her adult daughter came by after I left to go back home. They wanted to talk to me about buying the house as is without the roof it needed and the painting needed inside the house...a backyard full of this and that...etc.

She called me and it was something hard to believe....her last name was Murray....the same as my maiden name but not related to me in any way; She had twins & I had twins; She had depression & I had depression. Now how can a person deny someone somewhere is looking out for you.

I sold it for $76,000 which was $10,000 above appraisal value & did a three year contract with $800 a month payments for three years & then a balloon payment at the end of three years. My lawyer handled the paperwork and all is well. I am still getting paid back all of back taxes, utilities, & other expenses to ready the house for sale. Then my brother will get half of the $800 each month & the rest if anymore is due him when the balloon payment comes.

Now my son...I promise to be short here....he came home from four years in the Navy with an alcohol problem....drank more than he worked it seemed. Our family history is full of people with alcoholism, depression, & some drug use with the nieces & nephews...& our son. He went to treatment several times....at no cost....the last one was at a VA Hospital.

He ended up driving drunk over a cliff to do suicide. He survived after six attempts to restart his heart from the site of the wreck to the first trauma hospital to the bigger trauma hospital in Seattle. He then spent seven months in the VA Hospital & is a quadraplegic with minimal use of his arms & hands.

This happened in 2002. He is 39 years old now & has to move into a 24 hour care facility. The VA found an Assisted Living Facility for Special Needs & he will be just about 100 miles from us. He has his own rental about a mile from us that we just moved everything out of. He had three caregivers a day to help him but he wasn't following his care plan & kept getting pressure sores that would need surgery....then he would spend half a year in the VA Hospital getting the surgery done & waiting for it to heal.

My husband and I did what we could to help him when he asked. I have been sober 20 years but still take medication for depression. My husband is disabled...from a 1964 logging accident but got a degree in Social Work & retired after 24 years of work...had to have a leg amputated after being injured on the job in 1964.

I know this must sound unreal but it all happened & more that is too much to do here. I value each sober day I have & keep saying prayers for my brother & my son. :praying

Keep on taking care of yourself & educate yourself but remember your daughter is the only one that can decided if she is addicted to alcohol or drugs and needs help.

kelsh

justanothrdrunk

I didn't see it mentioned, could have missed it.

If the treatment center offers any sort of family program to educate family members, by all means go.

kathy306

Thanks outtolunch for your wonderful letter. I can not respond yet, since I am new to this. Yes my daughter is begging me to come out of rehab. I talked to her about the sober house we plan on sending her to afterwards and she has no desire to go there either. I really believe she thinks she has control over this, but I know better. I am meeting with her and her therapist next week. I am sad that she chose not include her Dad. She is not going anywhere..don't worry. I am hoping that they will get her to love life..at this point she tells me she does not have fun unless she is drunk or stoned....and like I am suppose to believe she is ready to come home??? I think not. I am praying once she gets out of this phase of her recovery that she will look forward to moving into a sober house.

outtolunch

When I first came to this forum I thought my situation was unique. It seems like a million years ago. This "I am cured- ready to come home- I can control it" thing is as common as our belief that we ( as those who love them) can somehow love them out of the situation they are in.

Brace yourself for anything and everything at your meeting, next week. When her proclamations do not result in freedom, the games tend to really begin. It's all about the fantasy of a life without consequences.

We are here for you, whenever you need to scream, cry or celebrate a baby step, especially your own baby steps.

Serenity Bound

Kathy306, Welcome to SR! Lots of wonderful advice for you here. I understand how that first face to face meeting can feel. However, 9 years later, I am so very grateful that I stuck with it. Most meetings have the same principals. In the beginning I went to alanon, then both alanon & naranon. sometimes 3-4 meetings a week. The most rewarding meeting for me is the Naranon meeting that I attend now, simply because there happen to be alot of parents there. As they say, "keep coming back"

Prayers coming your way.
Chris