Sinking in
A Brand New Life
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 287
Sinking in
Being away from my addicted ex and ending the relationship was difficult, but necessary. I fell in love with someone who took advantage of me in so many ways. Financially, Emotionally, Spiritually, etc. So if the part away is good for me, why am I still sad? I feel that living at home with my parents, starting over from scratch, barely making ends meet let alone able to save money to get my own place is really affecting me. I am sad because I don't have the time with work and raising my daughter to do anything for myself and though I am lonely, now is not the time to jump into a new love. I have so many good qualities, but all I see is loneliness and despair. His family has helped him set his life up again and he has a job and friends and still uses but I am stuck in a hole where I can't even afford a cup of coffee with a friend. Why did this happen, am I ever going to see the light again. I know this is minor compared to other posts, but I am so sad and need some advice. Has anyone been in my shoes? I really could use some words of encouragement. Thank you for reading...if anything comes to your mind, no matter how little...please post...Thanks
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 7
Focus on yourself, call a girlfriend, read this forum for fellowship and very valuable insight, go to an Alanon meeting if possible. Practice your gratitudes, what are you grateful for today? Put him out of your mind as much as possible and ask for what you need, you will probably get it. It is easy to feel like he is the one getting all the attention, but you are safe, healthy and have a daughter. I know how you feel, everyone here has felt it, too. The fellowship you can get at a meeting or here will help you feel that you are not alone. It helps me every day.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 70
I'm in a similar place.
I had get someone to buy diapers for me. (I'd ask my mom but she's on vacation so it's hard to get a hold of her for help sometimes).
I just hope I can be on my own 2 feet soon. I dont want to count on handouts. I have a good education and I have 2 university degrees (you'd think I would know my Husband was a user!), I will find work/daycare eventually.
I dont want to count on my husband (I'm going to do the separation for sure)
He has alot of support (financially). It's hard to get the short end of the stick.
But I think it just seems that way. The user has it the hardest.
I hope that I will meet new people that will understand my possition and that I'm starting over from scratch....I hope they will buy me a coffee for now, till I'm able to buy one for them.
I had get someone to buy diapers for me. (I'd ask my mom but she's on vacation so it's hard to get a hold of her for help sometimes).
I just hope I can be on my own 2 feet soon. I dont want to count on handouts. I have a good education and I have 2 university degrees (you'd think I would know my Husband was a user!), I will find work/daycare eventually.
I dont want to count on my husband (I'm going to do the separation for sure)
He has alot of support (financially). It's hard to get the short end of the stick.
But I think it just seems that way. The user has it the hardest.
I hope that I will meet new people that will understand my possition and that I'm starting over from scratch....I hope they will buy me a coffee for now, till I'm able to buy one for them.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
I don't know if you and ex were married or not, but first things first, take a bit of time from work and get to Family Court and FILE for Child Support.
Whether he keeps his job or not, once the Child Support Order is in place you should be able to get some help be it foods stamps and/or money and certainly health coverage for your child. Believe it or not that will make a BIG difference in your budget.
The pain will slowly ease, honest. This is like the 'death' of a loved one, and grief counseling from a pastor or councilor can help.
You are doing much better than you think you are. Many 'happily married' mothers of a young child or children also feel like:
"barely making ends meet let alone able to save money .......................don't have the time with work and raising my daughter to do anything for myself ................I am stuck in a hole where I can't even afford a cup of coffee"
It WILL get better. File for that Child Support, eventually you will get it, one way or another. See the "Income Support" or "Welfare Office" of your state and see how they can help with your child's 'deadbeat dad.' Yes, he is a DEADBEAT DAD.
You on the other hand are quite the MOM. You have put your child's welfare first and just 'doing the next right thing' ie "trudging." I APPLAUD YOU!!!!!!
Keep posting sweetie, it does get better. We are here for you and we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
Whether he keeps his job or not, once the Child Support Order is in place you should be able to get some help be it foods stamps and/or money and certainly health coverage for your child. Believe it or not that will make a BIG difference in your budget.
The pain will slowly ease, honest. This is like the 'death' of a loved one, and grief counseling from a pastor or councilor can help.
You are doing much better than you think you are. Many 'happily married' mothers of a young child or children also feel like:
"barely making ends meet let alone able to save money .......................don't have the time with work and raising my daughter to do anything for myself ................I am stuck in a hole where I can't even afford a cup of coffee"
It WILL get better. File for that Child Support, eventually you will get it, one way or another. See the "Income Support" or "Welfare Office" of your state and see how they can help with your child's 'deadbeat dad.' Yes, he is a DEADBEAT DAD.
You on the other hand are quite the MOM. You have put your child's welfare first and just 'doing the next right thing' ie "trudging." I APPLAUD YOU!!!!!!
Keep posting sweetie, it does get better. We are here for you and we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Hey there whereami,
I'm sorry you are so sad, and I have been there before, which is why I ended up back with my abf, and why consequently- I went on for another year, and why I am posting like crazy all the time, trying NOT to repeat that pattern.
What I am trying to say - is you are doing very well..... you didn't surrcumb to your saddness, and ask him to 'come back' etc.
It is normal to feel this way- I think you should be proud of yourself. If you take pride in the fact, that you were more than able to walk away, and stay away, then that positive energy will follow in turn.
I am a single mom, and it is difficult (especially when children are young) to get time for yourself. My kids are getting older now, and it is much easier- but then you have a different set of emotions, like life closeing in on you- that the time went by too fast with them, so enjoy them while they are young.....you can't get that time back.
Funny how life is, we can look at all experiences and wonder if we spent our time the way we should have.....
Take some time for you, so that you can be a good mom,
Pat yourself on the back for being strong enough to walk away, in the face of adversity.
I Know that if I don't take care of me, that I am no good to anyone...........so try and at least do something that you like for you...
Sadness really stinks, no one can take it away. I'm envious of you- and you should know that. I gave in to my sadness and took him back- that has only set me waaaaaaaay back -
I know I'm repeating myself, but please, please, please, If there is any piece of advice I could give to someone, It would be to keep the promises you made to yourself. If you were done with that life with him - stay done. It will get better.
Another hint, that my therapist told me. He told me we ALL have a little kid part of our being. That part of us lyes very, very deep in our hearts & soul. That is the part of us, that gets wounded easily, and makes bad decisions because of it. We wouldn't let a 5yr old tell us what to do - right?
So, when that little girl inside of you is hurt- and she is kicking and screaming that this isn't fair, and that she is sad, and that she wanted things to turn out differently- give her what she needs.
Try to imagine her- and give her a hug and love. (in essence you are giving yourself much needed self-love). Let her know that the adult in you is going to make the decisions - the decisions that control our behaviour and do what is best for us.
It is the rational part of our beings, the part that says, yes I have to go to work today. I will be on time. I will return phone calls. I will save my money for my kids education. and........ I will take care of me. I will make rational decisions about my life and only allow healthy people who love me, and treat me with dignity and respect to be in my life......That's the part of you that needs to take care of your own inner little girl.
Keep going girl,
You are going to be just fine.
Take care,
Cessy
I'm sorry you are so sad, and I have been there before, which is why I ended up back with my abf, and why consequently- I went on for another year, and why I am posting like crazy all the time, trying NOT to repeat that pattern.
What I am trying to say - is you are doing very well..... you didn't surrcumb to your saddness, and ask him to 'come back' etc.
It is normal to feel this way- I think you should be proud of yourself. If you take pride in the fact, that you were more than able to walk away, and stay away, then that positive energy will follow in turn.
I am a single mom, and it is difficult (especially when children are young) to get time for yourself. My kids are getting older now, and it is much easier- but then you have a different set of emotions, like life closeing in on you- that the time went by too fast with them, so enjoy them while they are young.....you can't get that time back.
Funny how life is, we can look at all experiences and wonder if we spent our time the way we should have.....
Take some time for you, so that you can be a good mom,
Pat yourself on the back for being strong enough to walk away, in the face of adversity.
I Know that if I don't take care of me, that I am no good to anyone...........so try and at least do something that you like for you...
Sadness really stinks, no one can take it away. I'm envious of you- and you should know that. I gave in to my sadness and took him back- that has only set me waaaaaaaay back -
I know I'm repeating myself, but please, please, please, If there is any piece of advice I could give to someone, It would be to keep the promises you made to yourself. If you were done with that life with him - stay done. It will get better.
Another hint, that my therapist told me. He told me we ALL have a little kid part of our being. That part of us lyes very, very deep in our hearts & soul. That is the part of us, that gets wounded easily, and makes bad decisions because of it. We wouldn't let a 5yr old tell us what to do - right?
So, when that little girl inside of you is hurt- and she is kicking and screaming that this isn't fair, and that she is sad, and that she wanted things to turn out differently- give her what she needs.
Try to imagine her- and give her a hug and love. (in essence you are giving yourself much needed self-love). Let her know that the adult in you is going to make the decisions - the decisions that control our behaviour and do what is best for us.
It is the rational part of our beings, the part that says, yes I have to go to work today. I will be on time. I will return phone calls. I will save my money for my kids education. and........ I will take care of me. I will make rational decisions about my life and only allow healthy people who love me, and treat me with dignity and respect to be in my life......That's the part of you that needs to take care of your own inner little girl.
Keep going girl,
You are going to be just fine.
Take care,
Cessy
A Brand New Life
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 287
Thank you so much ya'll this really helps me...I have made the decision to start living as if I want to be on a 10 year plan. Every decision I make will be towards my goal and I will no longer accept anything below what I deserve. I will ask myself in every situation, is this helping me or hindering me from reaching my goal. I can do this...
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Whereami,
Good for you. Just heard the other day that if we are to reach any of the goals in our lives, we must write those goals down and come up with a plan as to how to attain them. That sounds so trite, so simple, but it's true.
So I hope you've written your goal down and will do something tomorrow to start working toward that goal. You are so worth it and you can do it. Remember, life is a process and sometimes our goals will unfold slowly. But if you keep chipping away at it, your self esteem will begin to blossom. Remember ... progress, not perfection.
Hugs and prayers for you,
Hangin' In
Good for you. Just heard the other day that if we are to reach any of the goals in our lives, we must write those goals down and come up with a plan as to how to attain them. That sounds so trite, so simple, but it's true.
So I hope you've written your goal down and will do something tomorrow to start working toward that goal. You are so worth it and you can do it. Remember, life is a process and sometimes our goals will unfold slowly. But if you keep chipping away at it, your self esteem will begin to blossom. Remember ... progress, not perfection.
Hugs and prayers for you,
Hangin' In
A Brand New Life
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 287
Well it was a tough day, my ex's mom called telling me what I fool I am to not work things out with her "hardworking" son. He is living with them and able to save money for a place because he left all the bills in my name and isn't paying support. It is sad because even though he is keeping his job and appeasing them, he is still using. They don't want me to keep my job here or stay because they think he can support us. I can't depend on him let alone with a child in care. I cannot say the right words to make him leave us alone. Can anyone tell me the best thing to say to him next time he does call? My friends say ignore him, that doesn't work. I need to end this for my sanity. I need to cut him off, how can I do that?
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