Need Advice from Female Side.
 

This is my second post, so bear with me.

I have been sober almost one year now. I am in a relationship with a girl that is in treatment (living together 6 months). She calls today and everything seems to be going well. She then states that she does'nt think that her problem is that bad. Pills, cocaine, and lots of booze. I am floored and do not know waht to say to her. She then states that while checking her cell phone that she got the "nicest" message from her friend (that she used to live/use with"hope you are getting the help you need") She should phone her back. I am sick to my stomach over this and need some adive on what to tell her. She says its not denial etc. etc. I don't think that I can tell her who she can and can't talk to or in this case is that o.k?

Sorry for ramble, not to good on computers.

Thanks for your help, and great site.

If she is in treatment and doesn't think her problem is that bad...you may want to proceed with caution. Congratulations on your own recovery, please don't set that aside trying to figure out hers.

Trying to second guess what they are doing or what they are thinking, never brought me anything but anxiety and fear. What helped me was going to meetings, learning to work a program that literally saved my life and taught me to live well, no matter how the addict in my life is doing.

Rotaris, you have choices and they are truly yours to make. Nobody can tell you what it right for you. But from where I sit any relationship that doesn't have trust, respect and love is not healthy.

The healthier you are, the more likely you are to make healthy choices for yourself.

Hugs

Rotaris
 

Ann took the words right out of my mouth!

No trust, no respect equals no relationship.

I have tried to give advice to my son for 36 years and it got me absoultely no where.

Now I try just to concentrate on my life, my health, my happiness because the only one I can guide is me.

Hugs, Devastated

Welcome to SR. I have found that oftentimes the story-like one about calling a using buddy- had such a positive slant on it that I would often agree, "maybe that's a good idea." Sometimes all my qualifer wanted was validation from me and when I gave it, I became an involved party of sorts.

After a good deal of negative experiences and allowing myself to be manipulated this way; I decided to remain neutral. I even went as far as to have prepared, well-thought out responses. Here are a few of those: "Oh." "I'm sure you will figure it out." "That's interesting." and my all time favorite: "Do what you think is best."

Now my responses usually didn't foster any changes in anyone but myself, but it was worth it for my peace of mind. By stepping away, whatever occured belonged to only one person and it wasn't going to be me.

This is just one way I learned to detach from the chaos and allow the other person to live their own life and face the consequences of their choices.

You may want to take a peek at sticky threads on the top of the page, there's lots of good info there that should help you. :)

Thank you all for your advice. I have the knowledge and the tools, but I also have a little "fix everything right now" going on. I think that I have control issues that I have to deal with.

Again:

thank-you

Welcome!! We are recovering fixers here, many of us (me for sure, lol) working on the control thing too. The Serenity Prayer has gotten me through an awful lot! It's tough relinguishing that role of savior of the universe at first, but I have found it to be such a huge load off my shoulders to acknowledge a power greater than me who does that job much better than i do! It also freed me up to focus on me and start this great recovery journey.

Welcome to SR. Maybe you could consider attending some Nar-anon or Al-anon meetings yourself. They will help you to learn to let go. Hugs, Marle