need advice

Old 01-04-2009, 01:07 AM
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need advice

After reading some of the issues that others have here, mine don't seem so bad, but they are mine & they are consuming my life. Here's my story...

My husband's crack addiction started several years ago after his best friend passed away. Back then he was my boyfriend. We had been together for several years, were living together & had a child.

It started gradually & took some time before I realized that he was becoming an addict. The problems started with him not answering his phone when I called & then not coming home at night. Eventually, it got to the point where he was shirking off his responsibilities. I would get phone calls from our daycare, after hours, asking if anyone was coming to pick up our daughter. I would apologize profusely & scramble to go pick her up. They would scowl & I would apologize more, assuring them that it wouldn't happen again. This happened more than a few times. Eventually, I just started picking her up myself all the time.

I couldn't rely on him for anything anymore. If he told me that he would run an errand, I didn't believe him. I would try to give him the benefit of the doubt but after being burned so many times, it was easier just to take care of everything myself, no matter how thin I stretched myself, rather than having to rely on him, the whole time thinking to myself, "Is he really going to come through this time...?..." only to be disappointed yet again & have to inconvenience myself even further later in the day/evening & run the errand myself.

I never knew what was going to happen from one day to the next. He kept saying that he would stop but he never did. My life was chaos.

In the end, he got so bold as to just start bringing the drugs home & doing them in the garage! It didn't matter that I would come to the door, be standing less than 6 feet away from him & yelling (not to mention that our 2 year old would come to the door to see what was going on) - he would look at me with his glazed over eyes, not raise his voice, but in a very "under the influence" tone, direct me to leave him alone & that he was "almost done"!

Eventually I left him.

We stayed in contact. After all, we had a daughter together & I still loved him. If he could just get the drugs under control we could still be together.

Life was different. The drugs weren't in my face anymore. He wasn't a constant in my life. I wasn't yelling at him. I didn't know what he was doing. I wasn't relying on him.

It worked for a while & then we started to get closer again. We didn't talk much about the drugs, other than me asking him if he'd stopped. And he never lied - he was always honest. So I always knew what was going on - if I asked.

After about a year, we got back together for good. He's been clean for over 2 years now, we've gotten married & had another child. The drugs are out of our lives...until last week...when he didn't show up for Christmas Eve.

We planned to finish our holiday shopping together earlier in the day & it didn't phase me too much when he didn't show up for that, but when he didn't show up later that evening for our planned Christmas celebration with my family, I started to worry. The drugs crossed my mind briefly but I quickly pushed that thought out - I didn't want to go that route again.

When he showed up (yes, later that evening), I simply asked him what happened. His reply..."You know." And I knew.

My instinct reaction is anger, then disappointment, then back to anger. "I will not go through this again!" "You had better figure out a way to control yourself!" etc, etc, etc...

He conveys to me how disappointed he is in himself & says that he'll go to meetings (he never sought treatment for the first go-around).

It's been just over a week (to some this is no time & to others I'm sure this is too long) but there has not been another mention of any type of treatment or any meetings & now he's been MIA since Friday at 6pm.

I don't want to do this again & it feel like I'm headed down a familiar road. I have no idea what to expect from him. I don't know if this will be the last time - I'm hopeful but not dumb...it will probably happen again. I don't want to do this again & I don't want my kids exposed to the type of environment that this will bring to our household - but I want their father there for them...ahhhhhhh...what to do, what to do...my mind is racing but I'm not getting anywhere!

I've been on this computer for hours searching support groups in my area. I plan to attend the next meeting that is available to me this week, but in the meantime, wanted to get advice from anyone who can offer, anyone who is more experienced with addiction than I...

Much of the information that I found on the web re: support seemed to be geared toward parents of addicts. It was very difficult for me to find information that would be helpful to me, the spouse of an addict with young children.

Any advice would be appreciated!
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Old 01-04-2009, 02:57 AM
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First off let me tell you he can NEVER "control" the drugs. It's ALL or Nothing. He can't CONTROL crack...crack will CONTROL him. So, you need to be ready that he is NOT done. Very few people can get clean and sober WITHOUT help. Go to the meeting. That is your best help. Decide what you will or will not accept. My ex was clean for 3 years before he came back into my life. And remained clean 3 more years before his first relapse. In my own experience, my ex would stop for periods. He never did a program and never could state clean (on his own) for more than 6 months at a time. He had 3 girls who he cared nothing for when he was high. They have spent all their lives waiting for dad to get clean and be a father. And sadly, last Thanksgiving his 19 year old daughter died of a crack overdose. Why not? All she ever saw was a dad high on crack. I left 3 years ago because I had enough. And my own son at the age of 16 was beginning to drink and smoke weed. (Why not, his step-dad did) Hate to be grim, but in my experience I should have set down boundaries years ago. I can't tell you the damage that has been done to my children because of both their father and step-father's use of alcohol and drugs.

I still love my ex. And I pray for him daily. But I could no longer watch him destroy himself or our family. And I know it's hard to make the decision to ask him to leave unless he gets help. But I SO wish I had done that years ago.

They will continue as long as they know we will "accept" the behavior. And please, oh please do NOT ask him to "control" his drug use. Or say...drinking is ok...it's better than crack. Because that again "condones" the behavior.

I have seen this disease destroy my family. I have seen this disease passed down from the father to the children. So, please go to the meetings and then set down some rules.
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Old 01-04-2009, 03:38 AM
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Hey there and welcome.

It is very easy to get caught in the drama of someone using.

The very best advise I can give is to keep the focus on what you and your children need to get through your day, week,month, year.

He is going to do what he is going to do.

Take good care of yourself...
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Old 01-04-2009, 06:37 AM
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welcome to s.r. i am glad you are going to a meeting. they help alot. the steps apply to a wife, mother, or just a friend of an addict. they appy to all. this is your husbands problem & only he can help himself. my son was (is) a crack addict. it is a terrible drug that will take him over. it will suck the life out of you living with an addict. it will only get worse the longer he is on it. read the stickys at the top of the forum"what addicts do", read around here. there is alot of advise. keep coming back & let us know how u are doing.hugs & prayers,
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Old 01-04-2009, 10:23 AM
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Welcome, I am glad you found us. There are praents, spouses, siblings, friends, partners...everyone here and we share something in common. We all are impacted by someone we love and his or her addiction. Our circumstances may be different, but the way to start healing is the same...Focus on yourself andwhat you can control. The addicted love one will have to figure things out for himself.
Please don't feel your problem is any less than others. Pain is pain and we all understand the pain of loving an addict. I think often just knowing that others truly understand is so comforting. I felt very alone and ashamed when i first came here. Knowing that others understood helped me heal.
I found Naranon meetings near me and that as well as posting here really helped. I hope you can find some too. Alanon works as well if there are no Naranon meetings around. Hugs
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Old 01-04-2009, 01:14 PM
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Originally Posted by openheart View Post
..........he's been MIA since Friday at 6pm.

- but I want their father there for them...ahhhhhhh...what to do, what to do...my mind is racing but I'm not getting anywhere!

So when you take these two simple sentences out and put them together.......it doesn't sound like he's "here for them" now. Inconsistent physical presence doesn't make a father. Just my honest opinion, and I have no kids so I can't say I know 100% the decision you are facing, but sometimes it's interesting to see your own words re-arranged a little, huh?

Good for you looking for meetings. Either Naranon or Alanon will be so helpful for you........they certainly have been for me and many others on this site. I am so sorry that you are going through this again. Addiction is a patient mistress, I hear. Keep posting here.......there is alot of good experience and wisdom to be found.
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Old 01-04-2009, 02:05 PM
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As someone who has dealt with the dissolution of a 27 year marriage in the last year due my husband's crack addiction, I can tell you that he CANNOT beat this by himself. Crack is now controlling his life and you and your kids are not his primary relationship. No amount of begging or extracting promises that he will quit will make any difference. I do not know what your financial situation is, but you must protect yourself. He has clearly been using all along, since he never had any treatment. He cannot beat this without it, and is very likely using all the money he can get his hands on to support his habit. I had an attorney be very blunt with me about all this, and though I was not ready to hear it at the time, when I was ready, I knew what to do. Consult an attorney, check out what's happening with your money, credit cards, run a credit check on him, and get your finances figured out. He will not stop as long as he has a place to live, and money to buy drugs with. Preserving your marriage has to be a very low priority right now, and making sure you and your kids have what you need is the number one most important need.
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Old 01-04-2009, 02:09 PM
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Hi openheart and welcome to SR.

I am so sorry that you and your family have been chained by addiction. The devastation that addiction brings is probably worse then anything that can affect a family.

The love of my life got addicted to pain pills and threw away everything that meant something to him. Thats what addicts do.

The love of my life walked away from a family that loved and cared for him. He walked away from the security of his own home to continue using. Thats what addicts do.

He got into treatment. He has been going to therapy for almost 2 months. Has made no solid moves in the direction of recovery. Still blaming, lying, and who knows what else. Thats what addicts do.

He plays games with me and manipulates me on a regular basis. He still sees his child but I think its for show, for him to be able to say "see I am taking care of my responsibilities". Soon though very soon he probably will no longer being doing that. Thats what addicts do.

An addict will always put his drug of choice before you, your children and even themselves. Try to remember that. Thats what addicts do.

Your husband is no longer there. The crack has completely taken over his body, mind and soul. Only he can either stay that way or get better.

I wish the best because you are going back down the road and its long, lonely and frustrating. Its such a waste. Get support for yourself you will need it.

Take care and keep posting.
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Old 01-04-2009, 03:04 PM
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Open Heart,

Welcome to SR. I hope you will stick around and read and post. There are lots of wonderful people here who have been where you are and are making it. They will share their experience, strength and hope.

I also recommend you find a meeting in your area, Al Anon or Nar Anon, whichever is offered. Face to face meetings gave me the opportunity to meeting people who were experiencing the same problems in the lives. It gave me friends who I could talk to and people in recovery who were farther down this road than I was. Those people in those meetings and the 12 step program have literallly changed my life for the better. It's not an easy road, but traveling this road with the help of others makes it so much better.

Hugs,
Hangin' In
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Old 01-05-2009, 09:28 PM
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Thanks to you all! When he finally came home last night, he blamed our relationship for his relapse, saying that he finally figured out that because he's so stressed (b/c of our relationship) that he hangs on for as long as he can (the past 2 years - even though we only just got married, at his insistence less than 2 years ago) until he cracks (no pun intended) & then relapses.

So - now his plan of action is to not get professional help or go to any meetings - he's simply going to leave. He's gone. He wants to stay but he won't say it - he'll just spout out reasons why we "aren't compatible" & how "neither one of us will ever change", etc. etc. etc...

I've actually figured it out because he does this about 2 or 3 times a year (w/ or w/o the drugs). He simply wants me to provide a reason for him to stay...& every time he decides that "this is it" & "he can't be with me anymore", he always ends up coming back or never leaving in the first place.

Most times when this happens, he is not using, so I usually relent - I think to myself that our relationship is worth saving (mostly b/c of the kids but also b/c we do truly love eachother) & I do provide him with a plan of action that we can take in order to begin to mend the troubles with our relationship (which really aren't that severe, outside of the addiction). Now, I don't beg him to stay but I will offer up different avenues that are available that we haven't gone down yet & this seems to pique his interest enough into staying.

Honestly, it feels like he needs the reinforcement from me that I think that our relationship is worth saving & why should he stick around if I don't even want to be with him, but he won't come out & ask it. I'm not saying that he sits around & thinks of ways to manipulate me but that this is entirely in his subconscious & this is the way this comes out of him.

So, b/c I think that he just wants the reinforcement from me, I typically will give it to him b/c I certainly don't want him to feel like I don't love him, or consider our relationship as valuable, etc.

This time is different b/c of the drugs. I find that if I react to him in the manner that I have (by agreeing with him that he should do what he needs to do in order to get himself off the drugs, even though I feel that his solution to leave the relationship is wrong & what he really needs is help by addressing the addiction), the tension just builds. He is too stubborn to admit that he's wrong but I truly feel that if he were able to "see the light" & determine that treatment is the best route if he wants to stay sober, that things could be different.

Anyway, I'm rambling now, obviously b/c I don't know what I'm trying to accomplish here.

I haven't had the opportunity to get to a meeting yet although I did find all the meetings that I would be available to go to if he were here at home, but instead, since he's not here, I am spending my evenings taking care of the kids...so...hopefully I will be able to find the time to get to a meeting one day this week. I think they could really help.

Thanks again to you all for your advice!
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Old 01-08-2009, 06:00 PM
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bump for more support
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Old 01-08-2009, 06:30 PM
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Hey OH....

My BFs AS is addicted to crack....we have no idea what his bottom will be, but my BF is working to implement some physical boundaries. It's really hard, and I know there are more fireworks to come.

Please take care of yourself and your children. Please don't listen to his criticism because it is a manipulative ploy.

One decision, one step, one day at time....

Hugs!
HG
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Old 01-08-2009, 06:40 PM
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(((OH)))

I'm a recovering crack addict. I can assure that his relapse is not because of the stress of your relationship. He uses because he wants to use. When I was using, I would use ANY excuse to use...sun shining? smoke crack. Raining? smoke crack. Feeling good? smoke crack..etc.

Now that I choose to NOT smoke crack, there is nothing and no one that could make me smoke it, and trust me, I've been through a LOT in the past 22 months.

I understand you love each other, but the question is, do you want to continue living with a man who is smoking crack. Crack is one of the most progressively addictive drugs there is. Do you want to raise your children around this? No amount of love will cure him. YOU can't do anything to help him...his recovery, or lack of, is totally on him.

The best thing you can do is set boundaries..figure out what you will and will not tolerate in your life and your children's lives. Do not believe him when he tries to blame you or your relationship for his using. Let him suffer any consequences of his using. If he doesn't suffer any consequences, he will have no reason to even think about stopping.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 01-08-2009, 07:13 PM
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Originally Posted by openheart View Post
He is too stubborn to admit that he's wrong but I truly feel that if he were able to "see the light" & determine that treatment is the best route if he wants to stay sober, that things could be different.


Thanks again to you all for your advice!
This is your perspective of how YOU feel about your relationship. He is an addict so his perspective is COMPLETELY different.

I thought that if my ex could just see the light that he would get treatment and really seek recovery. That was my WHOLE PROBLEM. I was expecting him to do something he wasnt ready to do. That led to huge heartache and frustration for me. Even if your husband did go to recovery that may not solve all of his problems. Things will be different in that respect. Things will be different if he continues to use because they will get worse. I was in denial about things being different too. It is what it is.

I really have to be blunt here. The only way to handle this situation is to pull the rug out from under him. He is calling the shots here because he is manipulating you to get what he wants. He wants his cake and eat it to. He blames you for using and then says that he is gonna leave. To be honest I would do just that make him leave. No ifs ands or butts about it.

I have read countless books on addiction and recovery. The BEST thing that the books say for situations like this is to let them go. Its hard I know but when you have children you cant live with an active addict. I know this sounds soooo harsh but think of your kids. They dont have a choice.

I recommend reading the "getting them sober" series. Those books were so HELPFUL. I understood what I needed to do for me and my kids. How to take care of business while still having my sanity. I will also say that the people on this website have been so supportive.

I hate to say this but the ONLY way you are gonna save your family is if you put yourself and your kids ahead of the addict. I promise you things will get worse. The longer you stay in this situation the more damage that will be done to your kids.

Most addicts are able to continue down their paths of destruction because we codies make it so easy for them. We take them back believing it was us and that we will try harder to do better and make THEIR lives easier. No, thats not how it rolls.

His life will get worse and so will yours if you let him take you down with him. Have a plan of action. Go to meetings. Educate yourself and then make a decision on what to do.

Good luck. Keep posting.....
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Old 01-09-2009, 09:10 AM
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Thanks to you all! When he finally came home last night, he blamed our relationship for his relapse, saying that he finally figured out that because he's so stressed (b/c of our relationship) that he hangs on for as long as he can (the past 2 years - even though we only just got married, at his insistence less than 2 years ago) until he cracks (no pun intended) & then relapses.
openheart, my heart goes out to you today. I have an AH as well and we have a son, age 6 together. I have 2 older children also. My AH did the same as yours we married in 2001, after being best friends for 3 yrs. He was in recovery. I thought he had a great recovery. I was so impressed with his wisdom. Thats what attracted me to him in the first place. I was so deeply in love with him.
He disappeared the 1st time in our marriage for 2 days in 2005, back to crack. I was determined our family and marriage wasn't going to be destroyed by that, and allowed him to stay. He continued meetings as he always has. Jan 2007 he did it again, and he was out. I couldn't handle his insanity. I couldn't handle that he also cheated on me during relapses. This was a pain that I couldn't get over, and then he would do it again. In between that all the pills, and he still continues on pills. He finds one way or another to numb himself from reality.

He's been out 2 yrs, we're not divorced, and Im still recovering from the pain without the use of anything to numb it, and it's been far from easy. But thankfully I've come to a place of peace and safety. Even if we (son and I) don't have everything we would like to in life right now, we have peace, and peace is priceless.

AH has been from having supervised visits to now having a few hrs a week of unsupervised visits with our son.

I would advise you to protect your children, as you protect yourself. For now do not leave them alone with your AH.

I would also advise you to secure your finances because crack is very expensive and your finances could be gone fast if you do not use safety precautions. Get his name off all your credit cards, your name off his credit cards. If you have a joint account, get him off of it immediately. Do not give him money & Hide all valuables.

Thanks to you all! When he finally came home last night, he blamed our relationship for his relapse, saying that he finally figured out that because he's so stressed (b/c of our relationship) that he hangs on for as long as he can (the past 2 years - even though we only just got married, at his insistence less than 2 years ago) until he cracks (no pun intended) & then relapses.
You know I heard a R crack A say this a few days ago. She blamed her clean and sober husband for her drug use. She couldn't figure out why her husband didn't want her any more and she cried.

I feel that his solution to leave the relationship is wrong & what he really needs is help by addressing the addiction
Again he is manipuating....saying it's you, your fault. Don't listen to that!!!

Every time he says that to you, remember 3 C's
You didn't CAUSE it, you can't CONTROL it, and you can't CURE it.

Hugs my friend, hang in there,
NH7
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Old 01-09-2009, 04:34 PM
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Originally Posted by splendra View Post
Hey there and welcome.

It is very easy to get caught in the drama of someone using.

The very best advise I can give is to keep the focus on what you and your children need to get through your day, week,month, year.

He is going to do what he is going to do.


Take good care of yourself...
I wish someone gave me this advice 3 years ago. Believe it or not, his use is not about you; so don't make it about you.
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Old 01-09-2009, 07:55 PM
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Thanks again everyone! There's been more drama over the last several days since my last post. I hear everything that everyone is saying & really do appreciate it! I feel that things will get easier once I get into some meetings (still haven't had the opportunity, working full time during the day & then taking care of the kids in the evenings) & hopefully I'll be able to figure out a way to get myself to some.

All of your advice really helps. I just need to learn to apply it to my situation!
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