figure

I did it again. He called needing money two days before Christmas. He begged and manipulated and made me feel guilty and so on. I wired him money to put a down payment on his own apartment. We are not together but I still love him and want to be with him. I live 5 hours away and still in school. He just graduated, found a job and now living on his own. If I didnt help him, he would still be living with his parents. A big part of me wants to see if he can make it own his own. He chooses to still smoke pot as often as he can. He states he used to do it to get away from his problems but now he does it bc he likes it? We had a good talk on the phone for 2o minutes that night and he wants me to come see him soon. 5 days later after not hearing from him I text messaged him asking how he was doing? I got no response. I text him New Years Ever and New Years Day. He finally text me back and said he would call me later and never did. Yesterday, I kept calling and texting him and he finally answered upset telling me that we aren't together and that I need to quit acting like we are in a relationship. He says he wants to see me and wants me to come down later. I asked when and he said he would call me. He rushed off the phone saying he was busy and was getting everything in his new apartment, thanks to me. Why do I do this to myself? Why do I keep longing for someone that obviously is just using me? Why can't I stop? When will I hit my rock bottom with him? I am broke. Did I enable him? A part of me thinks he will be needing and wanting money again? Do you think so? Will I be strong enough to say No? Why can't I let go. This has been going on for almost 5 years now. I hate myself for it sometimes and then other times I am happy for helping him. I am so confused. I can't function. I feel my heart aching and stay in my room all day. I don't feel like doing anything anymore.

hope213

is this really what you want? do you really want him? ask yourself why!!you deserve better than what you are getting. i hope you take a closer look at the picture. if he was doing the right things he would not need your help & would have been able to move from his parents home by himself if he really wanted to. he is smoking pot now because he wants to.pot is a drug that can lead to other things. it is also illegal. i am sorry you are going thru this. saying prayers for you & for him.

Blackrose56

Try something. If he calls asking for money...say "no". And see if he calls again. You can love someone and be "there" for them, but you don't have to let them "use" you. If he couldn't leave his parents' place that's not your problem. You know what...probably couldn't smoke weed as easily living with them. You actually helped him to keep using. And how is he living on his own if YOU gave him the money for the down payment? And he was pretty clear when he told you that you are not in a relationship. He's obviously busy getting high. Got what he wants from you and right now you serve no purpose. I have been in contact for several months off and on with my ex. But he's NOT ready to stop drinking and drugging. And I am not going to wait for him. Yes, I still love him. Yes, I pray every day he finds peace and serenity in his life. And yes, if he wanted "support" (emotional or someone to talk to in his efforts to get clean) I would be there. But I would NOT give him a penny. The last time I talked to him, he said he wanted to move where I am. And I think he was hoping I'd send money for a ticket. I didn't. And I also told him if he came here, NO more booze or drugs. Guess what? Haven't heard from him in 2 months. Bottom line....stop with the money and see how often you hear from him.

URMYEVERYTHING

My thing is if you are grOWN then you can handle everything on your OWN.

figure

Anvilhead-you're exactly right. I feel grfeat knowing he needs me and now I keep beating myself up for helping him.....again.

Hope213 - I just want a normal relationship with him but I guess that's not possile.

Blackrose56- That's exactly what I am afraid of that if I stp giving him money, he will diappear for good. I am not ready for that....I don't think but I knw that I can't continue this either.

urmyeverything - he says he's just a kid all the time and is trying to grow up. he will be 24 in two days. I keep telling him that he is NOT a kid anymore and he needs to take on responsibility.

I had a few nightmares last night. I am physically and mentally drained by all this. chest pain and panic attacks......I am sick and don't know how to make it stop.

Ann

The way I made it stop was to go to meetings, find a sponsor and begin working 12 steps of recovery that not only saved my life, but put "life" into my life.

You aren't alone, sweetie, we've all been used many times, addicts are good with this and Codies are wanting to help so much that they fall for the lines every time. I helped my son pay for an apartment so many times that I lost track, and not once did it lead him to recovery, just gave him money for dope and a place to use it.

Try some meetings if you can. Alanon, Naranon and CoDA are similar fellowships that may very well be the change you need in your life today.

Hugs

Blackrose56

It was hard for me to leave at first. I'll be honest. I cried every day for the first year. Of course, I have known this man for 33 years now. And it hurt. But I also knew I could NOT do it anymore. I was having health problems related to stress. And very good friends of mine knew he was dragging me down. I know it's hard. But it also is BEST for him. If you love him, you will STOP!!! I had to realize that "helping" him was KILLING him!!!! Since I have been gone my ex has found women who will give him money, a roof over his head and do whatever he wants. And he is going DOWNHILL...quickly. And when I got involved with him over the phone again last May, I thought maybe this time he's ready. Well, he still isn't. And my therapist finally told me..."If you ever stand a chance of having him in your life again...you need to let him go". He needs to fall. No place to go. No one to give money. No way but to GET help. AS long as an addict can find someone to help, they will NEVER grow up. Mine is 44 and he has NEVER taken responsibility for his own life except for 6 years when he was clean.

I know this is hard. Believe me. I still miss the man I knew and I still love him. But you have to do what is best for YOU and that is also best for him.

Oh...on another site I read...it is VERY hard to lose an addict. You will hear from him again. But wouldn't you rather hear from him to tell you ....I got clean.

Take Ann's advice. find a meeting. Go..it helps.

greeteachday

Once I started going to meetings and working on me, I came to realize that many things I did were to make me feel better - needed, loved, the great rescuer. But of course, they really didn't make me feel better - I was sad and miserible and still thinking "if only..." that would make things good.
I have come to believe the expression "happiness is an inside job" When I began to start loving myself, I realized I did not need someone to rescue me and become the person I wanted him or her to be. I could seek out companionship with people who I enjoyed being with for who they were; not who I wanted them to be. And it was truly okay to be by myself too. When I like myself, I enjoy my own company.
Hugs...You deserve so much better than to have him in your life simply as someone who calls you only when he needs something!!

devastated

Don't be so hard on yourself please.

I cannot tell you how many times my son "manipulated" me into sending money. Each time I did it, I knew in my heart I shouldn't have, but always thought "this time is different!"

Nope, it's never a different time, just a different excuse. However, in my defense, he really came up with some great excuses. I especially like the one he used that went like this. "Mom, you have to "lend" me some money because I got a great job, but need a few tools. After all, I can't go to the job saying I'm experienced, but don't have the tools right?"

But of course you can! Why didn't I say that??? Nope, sent the money. The following week it was a different excuse.

In short, don't think you're stupid or alone because you sent the money. However, you might start saying "NO"! If you do say "NO" you'll hear from him a lot more, believe me!

Best thing to do is find meetings and support. Do not "hold' up in your room and be depressed. Go on with your life and let him do as he is going to do anyway.

Who knows maybe one day he'll see the light. Pray for that day, as will I.

Hugs, Devastated