I'm completly confused, please help!
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Cessy, I don't have the energy to post right now, but I am 100% with you girl. I fully understand each and every word you've said. It's a twisted up mess and I'm in it too. Lots of great advice that we BOTH can use in this thread. For me there comes a point when I feel stupid even posting here because I've been told over and over and over again. Yet I'm still here married to him. I understand exactly where you are - you are very smart, it's obvious. I am too, but yet I still feel so dumb for tolerating this crap and not knowing.
He just got out of the hot tub @ my house where he's spent the last 2 days detoxing. Everything "appears" normal. BUT every other person out there is just getting home from work, getting ready for supper, kids are doing homework, chores are being done. My life is NOT normal. I've become a mastermind @ fooling the world that "I'm ok." Things are nowhere near OK IRL.
No point in this post I guess, just wanted to let you know that I fully know where you're at. Hang in there girl - in the end we'll make it!
He just got out of the hot tub @ my house where he's spent the last 2 days detoxing. Everything "appears" normal. BUT every other person out there is just getting home from work, getting ready for supper, kids are doing homework, chores are being done. My life is NOT normal. I've become a mastermind @ fooling the world that "I'm ok." Things are nowhere near OK IRL.
No point in this post I guess, just wanted to let you know that I fully know where you're at. Hang in there girl - in the end we'll make it!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
Callie I hope that your right and your kids dont know but i offer a word of caution. They are teenagers and even if they dont use drugs they probably know much more about drugs then you realize. When my husband left me I was completely blindsided - my son and I were talking and he told me how he realized months before even I knew that there were problems. He told me of the little signs he saw and he knew about a lot of the things my husband did but never said anything. He basically just looked at me and said "I live here and I'm not stupid - I couldnt figure out how you didnt know this stuff." He didnt want to say anything to me because he didnt want to rock the boat or upset me anymore than I already was. Sometime when we're so close to a problem we dont realize how obvious it is to others. Your kids are teenagers - they know how people act when their high.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
ok everyone, thank you for the replies......
It is so unsetteling to 'hear it'.
I have a powercord connection right now on my lap top, and all day at work I've been furiously trying to rig it temporarialy, because Best buy, where I bought it said it will take 3 wks to send it out, and get it fixed and back.....
I wanted to scream "HEY I WON'T BE ABLE TO TALK TO MY SR FRIENDS....ARE YOU KIDDING ME???"
lol.
So here I am, finally got a real lousy battery connect for the moment.... I'm just going to pay a private guy this week to fix it, rather than wait for warranty work, cause I need you all!!!
Thank you for giving me the support and guideance I need.
You know, I can take all the advice etc you can dish out. It just is really hard to swallow when my kids come into the conversation, because that is the ONE area that I judge/pride myself.
I worked my *** off to raise these kids all my life (even told my ex I didn't want child support!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) Because of my pride.
I felt like he could take them extra time, and he'd pay for them when he feeds/shelters/drives them, and I'd work my butt off to do the same. I even the older two through private school (high school) to the tune of 34000 a year!!!!!!!!!! By myself.
When I recently made the decision to go back to get my masters degree, I took a huge paycut, (by changing positions) to have flexibility with hours..... I in turn, (to not feel the cut too bad) took a bartending job on the nights the kids are with their dads..... just so I could always show them that we are fine, especially my daughter, I want her to know a woman CAN do it without a man.
I think of everything I have done, everything I sacraficed for my kids......
When I hear people on SR bringing them into the pic with me and my issues with my abf, I feel like I'm doing the WRONG thing by my kids.... and that is where I will draw the line.
I have NEVER been accused of doing the wrong thing by my children.
I have been there through everything. We are close. They talk to me constantly. They (even as teens) snuggle with me in bed, and tell me their deep dark secrets, concerns, thoughts. They thank me for being a parent they can 'talk' to.
So now after reading what you all have written. I am very sad, feeling like I am makeing excuses for allowing my relationship with him to continue.
I feel like a bad mom, and I never have felt that way before.
To respond to what some of you have said, especially the ones that remind me of the future dissapointments, etc. that you say will come, I don't disagree.
I know that those times will come, and I will not be able to handle the let down.
That is why I came here to begin with. I don't believe that he will just wake up one day and be 'painkiller free'. It's not going to happen. I'm not that delusional. I know that one will build up a tolereance, and then things will get worse. No, I am not willing to walk down that road.
That is why I am here. I have to sort out how to say goodbye. I need to be 'ready' to give him up.
It is HAAAAARRRRD. I can't be any more sad right now.
I'm sorry.
Do you know how hard it is to go home in an hour or so, and he'll be there with his happy face, all the time not knowing, that I'm trying to figure out how to say goodbye to him?
It's hard to say goodbye to someone you love - especially when you feel like it's a 'problem'. I can't say , that I'm saying goodbye because of infidelity. Or because I don't love him. etc....
I'm rambeling... sorry again.
Thankyou, again.
Cessy
It is so unsetteling to 'hear it'.
I have a powercord connection right now on my lap top, and all day at work I've been furiously trying to rig it temporarialy, because Best buy, where I bought it said it will take 3 wks to send it out, and get it fixed and back.....
I wanted to scream "HEY I WON'T BE ABLE TO TALK TO MY SR FRIENDS....ARE YOU KIDDING ME???"
lol.
So here I am, finally got a real lousy battery connect for the moment.... I'm just going to pay a private guy this week to fix it, rather than wait for warranty work, cause I need you all!!!
Thank you for giving me the support and guideance I need.
You know, I can take all the advice etc you can dish out. It just is really hard to swallow when my kids come into the conversation, because that is the ONE area that I judge/pride myself.
I worked my *** off to raise these kids all my life (even told my ex I didn't want child support!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) Because of my pride.
I felt like he could take them extra time, and he'd pay for them when he feeds/shelters/drives them, and I'd work my butt off to do the same. I even the older two through private school (high school) to the tune of 34000 a year!!!!!!!!!! By myself.
When I recently made the decision to go back to get my masters degree, I took a huge paycut, (by changing positions) to have flexibility with hours..... I in turn, (to not feel the cut too bad) took a bartending job on the nights the kids are with their dads..... just so I could always show them that we are fine, especially my daughter, I want her to know a woman CAN do it without a man.
I think of everything I have done, everything I sacraficed for my kids......
When I hear people on SR bringing them into the pic with me and my issues with my abf, I feel like I'm doing the WRONG thing by my kids.... and that is where I will draw the line.
I have NEVER been accused of doing the wrong thing by my children.
I have been there through everything. We are close. They talk to me constantly. They (even as teens) snuggle with me in bed, and tell me their deep dark secrets, concerns, thoughts. They thank me for being a parent they can 'talk' to.
So now after reading what you all have written. I am very sad, feeling like I am makeing excuses for allowing my relationship with him to continue.
I feel like a bad mom, and I never have felt that way before.
To respond to what some of you have said, especially the ones that remind me of the future dissapointments, etc. that you say will come, I don't disagree.
I know that those times will come, and I will not be able to handle the let down.
That is why I came here to begin with. I don't believe that he will just wake up one day and be 'painkiller free'. It's not going to happen. I'm not that delusional. I know that one will build up a tolereance, and then things will get worse. No, I am not willing to walk down that road.
That is why I am here. I have to sort out how to say goodbye. I need to be 'ready' to give him up.
It is HAAAAARRRRD. I can't be any more sad right now.
I'm sorry.
Do you know how hard it is to go home in an hour or so, and he'll be there with his happy face, all the time not knowing, that I'm trying to figure out how to say goodbye to him?
It's hard to say goodbye to someone you love - especially when you feel like it's a 'problem'. I can't say , that I'm saying goodbye because of infidelity. Or because I don't love him. etc....
I'm rambeling... sorry again.
Thankyou, again.
Cessy
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
Originally Posted by greeteachday 
Someone in my Naranon group speaks of a situation in which he chose to ask the addicted loved one to leave. She later complained that he threw her out. His response was "I did not throw you out...I threw the drugs out of my life. You just still happened to be attached to them."
LOL, I like that.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
That's awesome to hear such a great ending (or beginning ) to a rough start in you and your daughters life....
I'm going to take all of this thread in, real, real, deep. I'm going to make some really tough decisions in the comming minutes/days....
I'm thinking of telling him to go. I'm thinking of telling him (how someone else here put it) I can't back page to see which one of you lovely people posted it to me.....that I'm doing this for his own good.
I think that is my easiest way out. If I put it to him, that I am unwilling to sit by and watch him slowly kill himself, because watching that is slowly killing me.
In a very different way, but it is the truth. I wasn't jokeing the other day, when I said I see ageing in my face. I'm 40 and always looked at least 10 yrs younger, but I am starting to see it. I look tired. I feel tired. I know I am stretching myself thin..... but put on top of it, the constant energy that goes into careing/hopeing/wishing/praying/ that things will be different..... it's too much.
Perhaps I will feel relief instead of sadness when I do this. I doubt it. Hopefully you will all be here for me, as I cry, cry, cry, when I let him go. It's like a death again to me. It's like putting down your dog, that you know is in pain. It's not fair to keep hanging on to them, and it's not fair to the dog either...... just got to let it go.
My girlfriend, (a spanish girl....with the biggest smile, all the time through hardship) texted me today about an unrelated issue. The last text, she told me to keep smiling, and put all my worries into the hands of god.
It's been a long time since I've been to church ( was born and raised hard core catholic)
I have been jaded regarding catholoism, but I do believe in a 'god'. Maybe this is a sign, that I do need to find god again, and pray that he gives me the strength to walk down this road, and find peace again.
I hope I don't sound like I'm reaching, but my sweet girlfriend faced all odds, moving here from PR, not even knowing a lick of english, with 3 babies in tow, to find a better life.
She tells me all the time, give it to god. Even something as little as my fear of flying- she tells me god has the plane in his hand.... let the fear go.
It's all about fear that people hang on to old patterns and beliefs, I know this, I'm a psychology major for goodness sake!!!
It's so hard to see YOURSELF!!
Thank you for shakeing me up, thankyou for the rattle.
It's been years since I've said this... but..... god bless. (maybe that's why I'm here.)
Love,
Cessy
I'm going to take all of this thread in, real, real, deep. I'm going to make some really tough decisions in the comming minutes/days....
I'm thinking of telling him to go. I'm thinking of telling him (how someone else here put it) I can't back page to see which one of you lovely people posted it to me.....that I'm doing this for his own good.
I think that is my easiest way out. If I put it to him, that I am unwilling to sit by and watch him slowly kill himself, because watching that is slowly killing me.
In a very different way, but it is the truth. I wasn't jokeing the other day, when I said I see ageing in my face. I'm 40 and always looked at least 10 yrs younger, but I am starting to see it. I look tired. I feel tired. I know I am stretching myself thin..... but put on top of it, the constant energy that goes into careing/hopeing/wishing/praying/ that things will be different..... it's too much.
Perhaps I will feel relief instead of sadness when I do this. I doubt it. Hopefully you will all be here for me, as I cry, cry, cry, when I let him go. It's like a death again to me. It's like putting down your dog, that you know is in pain. It's not fair to keep hanging on to them, and it's not fair to the dog either...... just got to let it go.
My girlfriend, (a spanish girl....with the biggest smile, all the time through hardship) texted me today about an unrelated issue. The last text, she told me to keep smiling, and put all my worries into the hands of god.
It's been a long time since I've been to church ( was born and raised hard core catholic)
I have been jaded regarding catholoism, but I do believe in a 'god'. Maybe this is a sign, that I do need to find god again, and pray that he gives me the strength to walk down this road, and find peace again.
I hope I don't sound like I'm reaching, but my sweet girlfriend faced all odds, moving here from PR, not even knowing a lick of english, with 3 babies in tow, to find a better life.
She tells me all the time, give it to god. Even something as little as my fear of flying- she tells me god has the plane in his hand.... let the fear go.
It's all about fear that people hang on to old patterns and beliefs, I know this, I'm a psychology major for goodness sake!!!
It's so hard to see YOURSELF!!
Thank you for shakeing me up, thankyou for the rattle.
It's been years since I've said this... but..... god bless. (maybe that's why I'm here.)
Love,
Cessy
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Cessy - I can't even read the following posts beyond yours because I 100% know where you're at. I'm feeling exactly the same things. My AH is having "another go" of detox. All the while he's practically od on Melatonin because he "can't sleep". I SOOOO know where you're at it's not even funny. Hugs to you hang in their girl. I especially know where you're coming from when it comes to raising your kids.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
Cessy - I want to make it very clear that in no way am I and I'm or others saying you're not a good mom. Sometimes we can be blinded and not see the bigger picture. Years ago I had a relationship with an abusive A and have a son by him. I recognized the problem, got away from the man and moved on. Then ended up with a man who was a computer addict - he had a seperate life and relationships online that destroyed our family - when he got caught in some very inappropriate relationships he abandoned us out of shame. Still i kept being a good mom and working hard. Now after all this time i find myself sitting here with an addict son and I recognize so much in hindsight that my co-dependant tendancies and denial have helped to feed my own son's addictive personality. How I related to the men in my life directly reflects in how my children will handle their own relationships and what they find is a proper way to treat me.
This may not happen to you - your children are older then mine so maybe the hard-wiring wont take with them. All I can relay is what I have experienced and the effects that addiction have had on my own children. I know now that the protection for my children goes much deeper then I ever thought. I fear my son will grow up to be abusive and selfish like the men he knew in his life - I also fear my daughter will grow up to mistrust men and have codie tendancies. The bottom line for me is that I had romantic relationships with addicts and then later down the road am having the the same type of relationship with my son. I think i taught him all these years - thinking all the while that i was protecting him and shielding him from the truth - that this is how you are supposed to treat me.
I remember one point in my life actually saying "I'm tired of all these men with their problems - I'm just going to focus now on my kids who deserve all my efforts." So I switched the source of my codie behavior from men to my children. In hindsight it was the most naive and selfish statement I may have ever made. I couldnt fix the men so I was going to be sure and fix these kids. This doesnt mean I was a bad mom - just a human being who was in denial of her own problems.
I try to stay away from classifying my self and others as Good or Bad. We all have good in us and we all have some bad that we struggle with - the trick is making sure the good outweighs the bad. This disease is so hard on us but the children are innocent and they cant be protected completely from the fallout. My biggest regret in life is that neither of my children has a good male rolemodel in their lifes. Neither of them ever got the opportunity to learn from a good man how a woman is supposed to be treated. So with my son I hope and pray that he will figure this out on his own and i'm sure to put my foot down immediately when he oversteps my boundaries. With my daughter I have to just talk with her and try to get her to understand why its important for her to have her own boundaries and reinforce all the time that there are good men in the world.
This may not happen to you - your children are older then mine so maybe the hard-wiring wont take with them. All I can relay is what I have experienced and the effects that addiction have had on my own children. I know now that the protection for my children goes much deeper then I ever thought. I fear my son will grow up to be abusive and selfish like the men he knew in his life - I also fear my daughter will grow up to mistrust men and have codie tendancies. The bottom line for me is that I had romantic relationships with addicts and then later down the road am having the the same type of relationship with my son. I think i taught him all these years - thinking all the while that i was protecting him and shielding him from the truth - that this is how you are supposed to treat me.
I remember one point in my life actually saying "I'm tired of all these men with their problems - I'm just going to focus now on my kids who deserve all my efforts." So I switched the source of my codie behavior from men to my children. In hindsight it was the most naive and selfish statement I may have ever made. I couldnt fix the men so I was going to be sure and fix these kids. This doesnt mean I was a bad mom - just a human being who was in denial of her own problems.
I try to stay away from classifying my self and others as Good or Bad. We all have good in us and we all have some bad that we struggle with - the trick is making sure the good outweighs the bad. This disease is so hard on us but the children are innocent and they cant be protected completely from the fallout. My biggest regret in life is that neither of my children has a good male rolemodel in their lifes. Neither of them ever got the opportunity to learn from a good man how a woman is supposed to be treated. So with my son I hope and pray that he will figure this out on his own and i'm sure to put my foot down immediately when he oversteps my boundaries. With my daughter I have to just talk with her and try to get her to understand why its important for her to have her own boundaries and reinforce all the time that there are good men in the world.
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