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could use some advice....

Old 01-09-2009, 08:43 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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are you seriously doing his laundry? sorry I don't mean to sound condensending. Most people who have an addict in their lives, it's a loved one so we put up with lots of unneccesary crap.
If this is not your spouse or your significant other there is no reason the police will not take him away, then you don't have to sneak around you will have time to pack up and get if thats what you choose to do.
Are you affraid of him "coming back and killing you", there are plenty of things leagally you can do about that.
and as far as reporting the dealers that are delivering, it can be annonymous however if they show up to arrest the culprits you're going to be one of them because you are "allowing" the drugs to be delivered.
my opinion and opinion only is stop worrying what if's and just do what you know you need to do.

good luck to you in whatever you decide you need to do.
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Old 01-09-2009, 08:58 AM
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I read your posts and i dont see one thing that i'm curious about - what does this person mean to you? is there some past bond or a relationship. It sounds like he is holding you hostage in your own home and somehow emotionally forcing you to take care of him. I just gotta ask Why?

Nothing is going to change in this situation until you do something. Its not going to be a plesant experience but no one can live in a situation like this. Take back your life - leave - so what if he tears up the house - that's just money - your life is more important that the stuff you own. So call the police - have him removed, change the locks - give the keys to the landlord and notify them of the seriousness of the situation so they can protect their property. dont ever look back and dont ever let him know where you have gone.
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Old 01-09-2009, 09:21 AM
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Originally Posted by Chino View Post
Do you need his permission to call? You have National Health Service and Social Service, have you called them?
I have to say that I completely agree with Chino....if it is YOUR house, YOUR rules are the ones HE has to follow, your boundaries for yourself are more important. If there were somebody lying on my couch all day bleeding, I would call the ambulance and to h*** with what he thinks.

I know you love him, but you need to think about and love yourself now. He is killing himself whether you try to take care of him or not. I really don't mean to come across as cruel, but you are allowing this to happen and only you can change it.

Lots of Hugs and support coming your way. Please, please take care of yourself.

HG
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Old 01-09-2009, 10:02 AM
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Faithful,
[B]You need outside help [/B]if you really don't want to live this way any longer. You are ,without a doubt, an abuse victim. You live like one,talk like one,and think like one.

Are you a user as well?

I am so sorry for what you are living in. Things are so turned around and not as they should be. If you have anywhere to go (even a womans shelter) I would get out of there and just see if you can catch your breath. You are living in a haze, and need some clarity desperately. Online if you type in "spiritual retreats" often you can find places to go for extended periods of time for little, or no money at all. Alot of these places are run by Nuns, but despite your religious orientation, these are very safe places to go. These places are in exsistence to help those who need help.

If you could just be free from this toxic enviroment and man for any length of time you could find the strength you need to turn your life around, and break this abusive cycle. As long as you remain there I fear things will not only, not change, but continue to get worse.

You are so much better than the life you are living. You deserve so much more. You deserve to be valued,loved, and respected.

Much love-
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Old 01-09-2009, 06:25 PM
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I am thankful for the responses, even though I seem not to be sometimes. I am exasperated. Rehabs here that aren't paid for are very hard to get into and make the addict call and call and call just to get in, further more they don't take people on methadone, I found one out of town but you have to pay.. he cannot go off methadone he lives in chronic pain...it is the only pain management that he has...Doctors won't give him painkillers...I will likely have to leave. Getting a restraining order is a hard thing to do unless someone has already hurt you. I've asked the police about that too. Anyways what is to say he wouldn't get someone else to harm me?

Yes I had a relationship with this person, 11 years ago we were together, he was clean when I met him...I have not had intimate relationship with him for 5 years or even more and before that 5 years we were not very intimate, it was not a good relationship...I have dated other people, he knew that, he met one of them...although nothing but guilt and him begging him to live me and then not leave when I want him to go...He has been sick since 2006, and before that was not well but in 2006 I noticed he started to become very ill. I went away in 2007 because he would not get medical help. we went to the hospital once and they didn't help him, they said the sores on his body were from drugs and him picking them, they didn't help...he actually was getting staph I think at that point, he had a blister that wouldn't go away for a long time...they told him to get a family doctor, I gave him names, he never would call, I made an appointment, he didnt go...so I left, exasperated...that's when he landed in the hospital and they did the surgeries. He was living on the street..welfare put him in a hotel, he got sick, flooded the bathtub in the hotel room, and called me while I was on the road travelling cross country and asked me to call him an ambulance.

He is too sick to take care of himself, he can barely walk, he is in pain all the time, he had surgeries last year and the doctors did a number on him which is why he won't go back to the hospital, he needs more skin graphs. They skin graphed his arm and leg and the wounds are not healing well but he doesn't treat them right and I think that is a problem. His arm doesn't work. He complains that my dog is giving him fleas that burrow in to his wounds and he won't go to the hospital with "macros" as he calls them on his wounds. My dog is on the best flea program available, I sleep beside her everynight and don't have any flea bites, not one. He thinks the doctors will disrespect him because he has Hep C and they will say he's a junkie and has fleas and macros in his wounds.

I have asked him not to get stuff delivered here, I have asked him to leave, I bug him about going to the hospital everyday. Now I've even offered to pay for private surgeon which incidentally I can't really afford, to get him medical help. He is in bed all day long. He can't do laundry, or clean or pick up after himself. About 1-2 days a month he gets some reprieve and can actually move around for a few hours.

I feed him, do his laundry, pick up after him, clean everything myself, and today he said I'm renegging on my word when I ask him to go elsewhere to live which I keep saying he should do, because all he does is complain about my dog, and that I don't sanitize the house enough...and he hates my cooking. I guess at one point I said OK to taking care of him after he got out of the hospital, in fact, I moved back across the country to help, but I figured he would at least be getting medical help by now, 1 and a half years after the surgery. And at that time I didn't realize he would never be able to function normally again. I mean what do you do if your friend/ex boyfriend is sick with cancer? or some other disease, like become crippled? Do you leave that person without help?

I'm just trying to live my life and have a hard enough time making my living, keeping up with the housework and taking care of my dog. I'm not wonder woman, maybe some one else is, but I'm not. I never was. I'm not that good at dealing with stress I guess. I just want it to be me, my life, my home, my money...I can't do anything for myself anymore all my money is spent, I'd like to go to a dentist, take a course, see a therapist but I can't afford it. I can't afford movies, skiing, any of the things I used to enjoy. I feel selfish because when you're a good friend you take care of a sick friend, I think he still thinks we are together or something but then he complains about our relationship. I'm his friend and that is all I've just been trying to get by and be a friend that's all.

Yes I'll have to get the money together to leave...I have to hide my money somehow...
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Old 01-09-2009, 06:34 PM
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Just one more thing about the money thing....he does not let up when I say no, which is pretty much each time he asks, he does not let up, he will moan and groan for hours, get angry, yell etc if I don't give in...I do not have motives to keep this situation going, I feel trapped! I know if I call the police it will only make matters worse, they won't keep him!

Lack of money, fear, are stopping me.

I would say that in some ways I feel guilt if I don't do anything to try to help him. But that doesn't matter, I still want out!
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Old 01-09-2009, 07:34 PM
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Oh and I don't use
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Old 01-09-2009, 07:48 PM
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I just checked out the 1 place that accepts methadone for addiction treatment, they require that you are clean for 5 days and that you are physically and psychologically stable.

Can you see how hard it is to get help?
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Old 01-09-2009, 07:56 PM
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Are you kidding me Faithfully??

There is an easy solution to your problem and every post so far has provided it.

If drugs are being delivered to your door and you are giving the addict money for the deliveries...I fail to see how drugs are NOT being sold in your home. (Am I missing something)
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Old 01-09-2009, 08:04 PM
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Originally Posted by faithfully View Post
"There is no way on God's green earth that I would ever allow people to buy/sell drugs in my house. I would call the police every time someone came over to sell something. Lots going on here that is disturbing."

Yeah sure call the cops and then get killed by the deliverers, sounds like a plan....
I know it's hard, possibly one of the hardest things you might have to do-ever. But you have to let this person go. My thoughts go out to you.
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Old 01-09-2009, 08:18 PM
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If you really want him gone, call the cops, or an ambulance or move. If he is such a burden and you have the power to get rid of him you should. Learn about co-dependancy. Your as sick as he is.
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Old 01-09-2009, 09:08 PM
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Originally Posted by faithfully View Post
I just checked out the 1 place that accepts methadone for addiction treatment, they require that you are clean for 5 days and that you are physically and psychologically stable.

Can you see how hard it is to get help?
Yes Faith,

All rehab's require that one is clean/sober. He will need to go to a detox facility before he will be admitted to a rehab. I'm surprised the rehab's you spoke to didn't tell you that. That's the usual course of action. I believe I read somewher that you are living in Canada? There are a number of free rehab facilities. They are REHAB. Centres, not the Four Seasons Hotel. Perhaps your addict needs to be committed to a psych. ward for assessment. His using is but a symptom. He needs help.

As far as being physically and psychologically stable...kind of an oxymoron. Perhaps you misunderstood what was told to you. If that were the case, rehab's would be full of empty beds my dear.

I think it's time to pack your things and leave for good. Period.End of story. What your thinking, behaviour and actions are providing to you, is allowing you to stay stuck and helpless and not allowing you to get on with your life. Maybe you really don't want a better life for yourself?
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Old 01-09-2009, 09:38 PM
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It sounds like he might need to go to an assisted living facility.

If it were me I would call Adult Family Services and explain my situation and ask what they had. He probably does need pain control and getting him off of drugs may not be the first line, treating his wounds may be the first step and he needs to be somewhere where that can get done.

My thoughts are with you.
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Old 01-09-2009, 11:58 PM
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Let him moan and groan. Don't give him any more drug money.
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Old 01-10-2009, 07:44 AM
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I'm having a hard time understanding your situation. I myself am a codie, enabler whatever you want to call us, but really, you have endured way more than your obligation to him.

you know why he's always in pain, because he's using an opiate to feel better. Opiates will make you feel like crap when not enough is in your system. I hear ya about his skin graphs and surgeries but why do you think the doctors won't give him pain killers? Because they see whats going on thats why.

I'm saying all of this with nothing but love and support ..... do you need a kick in the pants to see what you need? It will be hard but trust me after you leave or kick him out or whatever you do to be rid of him you will let out a big sigh of relief and start really living again.

Noone and I mean noone should put up with this. The things he says or does is only to keep you doing what your doing. You are no different than any of us who have been codies/enablers so when we say things to you it's from experience not just smoke up your butt.

I tell you what, give it a trial run, go away for a long weekend, even if its to a friends or family member. Don't tell him where your going just say your going on a mini vacation because you need it. And you really have to stop the what if's.

good luck
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Old 01-11-2009, 04:18 AM
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Faithfully-

A very profound thing happened to me once, and I think it is something you need to hear, and hopefully will be profound and meaningful to you as well. I was reading this book on dysfunctional family systems, and what you are taught as a child when you are raised in one. This book talked a lot about being victimized as children and all the harm that is heaped onto us when we have a less than healthy family. We are taught very bad things that "healthy" families do not teach their children. This book validated so many things that I felt, and explained alot of why my life had ended up where it had.

One of the greatest things this book helped me to realize though was AS AN ADULT IF I WERE A VICTIM IT WAS BECAUSE I WAS CHOOSING TO BE. AS A CHILD I HAD NO CHOICE, BUT AS AN ADULT I DO. ACTUALLY IT FURTHERED TO SAY, IF YOU ARE AN ADULT YOU CAN NOT BE A VICTIM TO YOUR OWN LIFE. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR CHOICES AND IF SOMEONE IS HARMING YOU IT IS BECAUSE YOU ARE LETTING THEM.

You do not need all the answers. You do not need to know exactly what is you are supposed to do. You do need to seek help and get honest. I release you to yourself and the life you choose.
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Old 01-11-2009, 07:23 AM
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In the charming state of the US in which I live, my BF has to actually go through the legal eviction process. If someone has clothes in your place and sleeps there, then they have a defacto verbal month-to-month lease. So, the AS of my BF was given an official 30-day notice of eviction. If my BF must move out during that time to keep from being hurt by his crack addicted, alcoholic son, then so be it. But at the end of that time if he does not move voluntarily, then the police will remove him bag and baggage. That is the day when my BF will change the locks.

If this is what you need to do, DO IT.
If he asks for money, NO is a complete sentence.
If you are afraid of him, get a restraining order.
YOU are not responsible for him, his addiction, his verbal abuse, his whining and moaning, his wound care.
If you continue to have illegal drugs delivered to him at your door, YOU WILL BE ARRESTED.

YOU ARE the only person responsible for the state in which you now find yourself. Please take some actions to help you! BE FAITHFUL TO YOURSELF....

HG
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Old 01-11-2009, 08:35 AM
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This may be the same in the US as it is in Canada, under the same circumstances. If someone is living with you and is NOT paying you rent, you can ask them to leave, the... same.... day.... It all comes down to money. If that person refuses to leave, you call the police and they will come to reiterate to that person the request you have made to them and suggest they begin packing up immediately. If an officer came to a home for this reason and saw the physical and emotional condition of your friend they would call an ambulance and this would be out of your hands completely. And he couldn't come back, he would be told that by the police such and he would be charged if he attempted to and once again that would be out of your hands.

I sincerely hope you are alright Faithfully as you haven't posted lately. All of this may seem utterly normal to you, but I can assure you, it is not.

Please post if you can and let us all know that you are Okay.

G
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Old 01-11-2009, 08:44 AM
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I am really sorry you are going through this situation. It may sound as if those responding are frustrated that you have not taken any action, but it is because so many of us have been in appalling situations and felt stuck as well.
Sadly, as I read your posts, I think that you may be falling deeper and deeper into your own sickness - codependency. The things this man is doing and your reactions seem (and this is just my view) like abuse...perhaps not physical, but certainly emotional which is just as bad.
There is a lot of great advice here. One thing I would add is instead of focusing on getting help for him, please think about getting help for you. A good counselor could help you work through the issues you are facing, restore your sense of self (for it sure seems like you have lost "you" in this process) and learn to take effective action to choose to save yourself. I suspect that with that type of help, Naranon or Alanon meetings that you felt did not help, would start to make a little more sense.
I hope you will make at least one choice today to help yourself. I hope that instead of focusing on what can not work, you choose one thing and take action then let things unfold. I know for me, I had to stop projecting and building the future (a dark one) on what i thought may happen, and take action and let the future unfold. It turned out to be much brighter than I thought. Hugs and prayers of strength.
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