OMG I told his mom

Old 01-02-2009, 09:16 AM
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OMG I told his mom

I told my AH mom just now about why we split up.
SHe was cool as a cucumber. And said the family will all pitch in and pay for a fancy detox. "everything will be fine". Yeah and who will worry about me and the kids? NO ONE but me that's who.
THey just bail him out.
Apparently he stole and did this as a teen to her. She's been there before.
It's out of my hands. My husband will now HATE me.
I'm so so so sad.
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Old 01-02-2009, 09:40 AM
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Deep breaths and long showers…that will help you. You will be ok. If I remember correctly, this is a relationship that is leading you to a place that you do not want to spend your existence. His family is just that, his. Do you have any support. Girlfriends, neighbors, sisters etc??
If you stop taking care of him, there will be plenty of time for you to take care of you and the kids.
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Old 01-02-2009, 10:10 AM
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When was the last time this " ideal father" worked and provided for his family?

How long has his family been financially contributing to his cause?

A good father works full time or multiple part time jobs to provide for his children unless the arrangement is for him to be the stay at home dad.

A good father does not steal from his family.

A good father pays the rent.

A good father puts the welfare of his children, before his own.

You knew going in, that he was once addicted to heroin, regardless of how he injested it. At that point, no doubt, his parents also thought addiction was the past.

That you are concerned about being hated by someone who consistently put himself before you and his children is not healthy for you. Like him, you have choices, too.

What can you do for you? Ask for financial help and get the rent paid. Are his parents in the area? Can they watch the babies while you attend Alanon or Naranon and start the process of healing yourself ? Your mom? Social services? What options do you have for employment?

My heart aches for you and your situation. Please know you did not cause this. You cannot control this. And you cannot cure his addiction. He does not use heroin because of anything you did, or not. It's his demon and only he can beat it.
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Old 01-02-2009, 10:20 AM
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I think you did the right thing telling them. Surprise surprise the family covered for him for years - gives you a lot of insight to him. But i'm also guilty of enabling my son for a very long time - it took many people telling me i was doing him no good before it finally sank in.

At least you have transferred the burden of his safety to his family and away from you - that alone should give you some peace of mind. Sounds like they are willing to take the burden so its off of you. There - one problem solved.

For others reading - you may find my opinions on this situation very different then i would normally state but its because i understand what its like living with a type 1 diabetic. It is not a disease that someone lives with alone - it affects every person who lives with them. It is actually a very needy disease because the diabetic cannot always tell when they are having a medical issue and they rely on others to provide medical care when they arent coherent. when they throw addiction on top of it - its very confusing. You never know if its the disease or the addiction that is causing the behavior. Once you know what you are dealing with then you know the steps to take. My son acts the same exact way from low blood sugars as he does when he is drunk. He acts the same way on some other drugs as when he is having high blood sugars. The diabetic in them has to have help and deserves help - its not a one person disease - but if you dont know they are using you may mess up and help them the wrong way causing worse medical issues. Living with a diabetic is similar to living with someone who is bi-polar because they can have very severe mood swings when their blood sugars are low/high (in my case throw some teenage hormones in there and watch out). It would be unfair for anyone living with him not to know what was really going on.
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Old 01-02-2009, 11:32 AM
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You told her your truth. You needed to say it and you did. Don't feel bad about that. I am sure you said it with the best of intentions, not with anger and with a desire to hurt your husband or his Mom. Guess what, she already knew. Been there. I felt the same anger that you did when nobody clued me in or supported me... it's ok. Just take care of you and you will be fine.
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Old 01-02-2009, 12:23 PM
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Originally Posted by howareyounow View Post
It's out of my hands. My husband will now HATE me.
I'm so so so sad.
You did the right thing. Your husband's mother is going to try to get him the help that he needs. You need to worry about getting the things that you need to take care of yourself and your children.

Your husband might hate you. So? You shouldn't be worrying about how he feels. You should worry about how you feel.
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Old 01-02-2009, 02:42 PM
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My motto is always "If I'm married to him hands off." However, if his family will pay out of their own pockets for detox then welcome that for now. At least it isn't coming from you and putting you in more financial burden. Try looking at it from that perspective. Also, have another conversation with his family. They might want to go to Alanon or Naranon meetings to prevent further enabling and let him know that HELP only comes when you want HELP.
Other than that, your on your own if you continue to use.

Even if you also had a "heads up on your wedding day the situation may still be the same. You fell in love with him for a reason and married him for a reason (without knowing about his addiction). You can't change the past. It will eat you alive and consume you just thinking about it. You can't change it. Move forward and work on you while he's working on himself. Time will only tell where the 2 of you will end up. Just prepare yourself for either way the wind blows.
Old 01-02-2009, 06:30 PM
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I'm glad it's out.
And yes a HUGE weight has been lifted. I've been treated badly for this by his mom however...
I'm glad to know that if anything should happen his parents (they are divorced) know.
I have since spoken to his father who had A NORMAL reaction, (shock, sadness and confusion) He was kind and loving. I know my AH has a good soul in his corner now. He loves his son and his grandchildren and wants us all to find peace whatever road we all need to take.
As bad as this has been my AH's dad has made me understand to take it slow, it wil be ok and that I'm not alone.
(He managed all this through his own suffering) He wanted to make sure the kids were ok and had food and that we were OK till Monday.

I think I will need to erase all my threads if I can...
What if his mom looks on here?
I'm sure she'd figure it out
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Old 01-02-2009, 08:05 PM
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I am glad you told too. I wish my son's AGF would have told me when his drug use was getting worse. Maybe he would be alive today. I would have figured out something to help him even if he didn't want it.
Don't worry about his mother she can take care of herself. His father seems like a stand up guy he will help you out. I will keep you in my prayers.
Love ya,
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