howareyounow

I still have no idea how to deal with my AH (first time I use that 'AH' thing...I feel like an old pro already!).
I dont' know what he is really doing. I guess he's on the methedone.
I caught him driving by the house. I called him and asked what was he doing.
He said he just wanted to see us. In the early part of the day he's hysterically depressed, by evening (he calls to say Goodnight to the kids), he's cold and formal...like we're a 10 year divorced couple. (it freaks me out because thats the way I remember my divorced parents speeking).
Is it the methedone? Is he lying and using? Does he allready not love me?
Has he just forgotten we were married for almost 8 years?
What do I do about the kids?
Do I let him see them (esp. the legal stuff.)
I'm going to start that soon. Do I get some sort of conditional clause?
Ie if he's clean he can see them? Or on the methedone?
What if he gets bad on the methedone? Do I have the right to force him to take a drug test to see the kids? How often to see the kids?
Can he pick them up and take them to soccer? or only suppervised visits/?
Where? My house? what if he's using and I dont know it and he does something bad? rob, neglect etc...
I CANNOT stand the idea that my kids wont have an involved dad.
My dad and I had NOTHING. I saw him maybe once or twice a year.
He made NO effort to be involved in my life. ANd that hurt and still does.
I dont want that for my kids.
Prior to this he was the best dad ever....He coached my sons t-ball.
(he's So different now....

I also want to say that in previous posts I neglected to say that when we first met I found out he would smoke heroin. (before we got married) He said he'll stop and he did. I didn' t understand drugs. I just figured if he stopped he stopped, end of story. So we got married and had around 6 great years.
He said he hates himself for not using for 6 years and to fail.
(I think I neglected to say of his past because I'll look even more stupid for not know he was using....mind you I would have found out this week, he did a bunch of fraud on my bank account...)

Ok that was all I could handle writting, I need to go and cry for a while.

Maggiemac

You are a sweet women child my heart goes out to you and your chrildren. My son was on methodone and he didn't act anyway different. I would take him every morning he went in and came out still the same Jason. He is the one who wanted off of methodone didn't want to go their everyday. He went to a place that gets people of the methodone without the withdraw he did have a hard time sleeping but that was about it. He did tell me it was trading one drug of another and he wanted off. His clean period didn't last long I don't think he went back taking pills then back to the herion. That what took his life. Your husband should try getting clean again all the way he did it once I am sure if he wants to can do it again or does he want to play the drug game live or die.
God Bless you
Maggiemac

Ann

Your questions about your children concern me because as much as you would like him to be involved in their lives and be the good dad he once was, you risk their lives if he is actively using while they are in his care.

Not long after I first came here, a dear friend here lost her daughter-in-law to a heroin overdose. Her 6 year old grandson found her and I don't believe he has ever got over that.

I don't say that to scare you but to show that no matter how much a parent loves their child, when they are active in addiction, they are out of control.

Please get legal advice and make sure you keep your options open to protect your children from addiction.

I'm sorry this is happening in your life. I too grew up without a dad (mine died when I was 6) and I know the concern you feel.

Hugs

imallright

How... breathe deep honey, and let yourself cry. Then, call a good lawyer and stay close to those kids. Your number one goal... take care of you and those kids. IMO, spend the energy getting legal advice and perhaps protection and never mind if he is using or not using. If you are frightened by what you are seeing/experiencing...trust yourself and get the help you need... restraining order, maybe going to stay with family for a bit... whatever.

Know that we are here ready to listen and lend support to you as well. Be the good Mom you are and stay strong.

winnie12

You've had such a huge shock over the last two weeks. You're probably still in the fog of finding out and have so many questions running through your head but those questions are also bumping into feelings of anger, betrayal, and confusion. Its not always necessary to figure everything out so immediately - you cant control this situation and you might need to give yourself a little time to figure the details out. Rash decisions right now can have negative effects, especially on kids and we never want to make important decisions when we're being ruled by our emotions. Some of the best advice i've gotten is that when you dont know what to do do nothing. I know this probably goes against everything your mind is telling you but take things one step at a time. Decide if he can see the kids today and if so what conditions you need to set and dont try to worry about what you are going to do tomorrow. If there isnt a soccer game on your schedule today then why worry yourself over it - you dont know what state he will be in, you will be in or the kids will be in by the time a soccer game comes up.

My parents are very structured people - they plan everything in their lives. My life is a swirlling out of control and its so hard for them. When i talk with them they have a long list of questions wanting to know what i'm going to do about everything. I just calmly tell them I really dont know but i dont have to decide that today - I'll know the answer when the time comes. Its been a long journey getting to that point but during it i've found that so many things i tried to figure out in advance never even came to pass so i was wasting a lot of energy on unknowns.

In our emotional state we may tell someone I never want to see you again and then two days later change our mind. That is not only confusing for you, your kids but also confusing for an addict who is trying to figure out what your boundaries are. Your husband knows he screwed up royally and is scared - good for you for being clear about that but maybe just telling him that you need some time to figure things out would be helpful. He's going through so many emotions and the best thing for him is to focus on himself and the best thing for you is to focus on you and the kids. To make important decisions like these takes a clear mind.

Many years ago i had problems with my husband - it was the first time he walked out on me. I was desperate for an answer and prayed/cried/screamed about it. Then one word popped into my head and it was simply "wait" just wait. Hardest thing i ever had to do because it went against everything in my fiber - i dont wait, I fix things. But at that one moment i had such clarity - I just needed to stop trying to control the universe and wait for my answers. When I gave into that I had such peace and my mind was able to think without having a billion questions running around my head. This lasted for two months (i know that's an eternity to you as it was for me) after the two months was up I had a new word come into my head and it was "Go" at that point I knew it was time to make a move and then i gave my husband an ultimatum - one that i finally had the strength to stand by. We did get back together and stayed together for 10 years and actually the majority of them were very happy so I dont regret it. It didnt fix his problems which did again resurface over a year ago but it showed me how to handle a problem that I have no control over.

So what do you actually have to decide today?

howareyounow

Thanks,
I've been trying to ' think' things will be normal in a few weeks. THey wont will they, ever right?
It's the end of my marriage and the loss of the ideal father for my boys.
I feel I let them down. I wanted to give them everything, including a father.
I'm so sad, it's so unbearable.
I know I must tell his family now. I didn't want to. But I know they give him money not knowing what it is for (they feel sorry for him since he can't can work because othe the diabetes, meanwhile it's the drugs).
I need the help of my inlaws too. THEY are very close to the kids and need to develop a relationship with them without the involvement of their father. I also don't want to have them think I just randomly kicked out their son because I was just mad about someting.
My AH is also driving one of our cars (not registered in our province, expired plates and no insurance) I told him to leave it here as it cannot be driven without the proper paper work. He refuses. (I know the parents gave him money to switch the registration and all that, he knows they will freak when all is out in the open...they have given him THOUSANDS)It's registered in my name. If something happens, what will happen to me.
I just CANT call the police. I'm hoping the parents will tell him to return the car. (his father helped pay for it)

....The more I write I realise, my husband took way too much from his parents, I mean parents should help in a legitimate bind. But so much? I don't think so. They are overcompensating.
(my husband was adopted and has always said he felt unloved in a general way)


I look back now and we would argue alot about how I didn't like all the help his parents gave. I said we need to live on our own. I suggested even that I go back to work and he said no....
Maybe my life will be MORE then with him. I will have pride again.
Maybe i'll do OK in life, Maybe I'll be happy.

howareyounow

I want to say thank you again.
I dont think I could get through this without all the support here.
I havent been able to do anything legal as everything was closed for the
holidays. Maybe that was a good thing.
I will try harder to take it one day at a time. I worry so much about the future.
I don't need to do anything right now I guess.
(well I need to put down my 19 year old cat, so that will be an added blow, but she is very sick now and it must be done soon, I've been putting it off
I will just assume I don't know if he is using or not. I think I will let him meet the kids somewhere public like the play area of McDonalds so he can see the boys.
(My son cried alot last night, he is VERY clinging now too)

winnie12

Your husband sounds so much like my son. My son's dad abandoned him for 10 years - his step dad who was his dad for most of his life left 07/07. My son has been on a full time pity party over his life since 07. i tried everything to help him through the pain of not having a dad, the pain of being a diabetic, the pain of other things that happened in our lives but nothing worked ever. Until my son picks himself up and decides to get over it he'll just remain in this limbo. Yes it sucks that he didnt have a good dad and its completely unfair that he is a diabetic but this is his life. We all have our burdens in life - its just that some people dont dwell on them. This is the cards that were dealt to him. He can either throw his life away becuase of it or rise above it. I'm dealing with a child but i know that even with a kid there is nothing i can do if he wants to remain in his pity party - if he doesnt change then when he is an adult he will be just like your husband.

I'm so sorry about your cat. I lost mine of 18 years a few years ago and it was really hard. I knew he was going becuase his personality was really changing - he was usually very independant but for about three months he was very clingly to me. one day he went off in the woods and never came home. The sadest thing for me is that I didnt get to bury him and say goodbye - he was a good cat and a good friend that had been with me since my youth and I would have liked to have given him that. But that's a cat - too much dignity - at least he let me know beforehand so i wasnt too shocked.

Kallista

You have to choose between two damaging alternatives for your kids:

1. life with a junkie dad

or

2. life with no dad around

Your kids don't get a good choice, here, and either one of them is going to be painful for the kids.

If if it were me, I'd choose "2."

My mother is an addict, and I have no doubt that my life would have been less painful if she were gone, rather than in my life, dangerous and insane.

NeedingHelp7

Howareyounow,

At this point never, I mean never leave your children alone with thier father.

If you have a Family Court there, I would advise you to get there as quickly as possible to file for custody, supervised visitation, and child support. Your AH has been on drugs and until he proves himself drug free for a consistent amount of time he should not be allowed to be alone with them. For now McDonalds is a good idea with your supervision, but get these issues into court. Your AH can be monitored there whether he is staying drug free or not. His word for anything cannot be trusted. Protect your children.

NH7