Maggiemac

My son's so called girlfriend (she is also addicted to drugs) he was at her house when he died. I checked my messages on the phone (I don't want to talk to people some days) She had 2 messages for me to please call her she was having a bad day. Will everyday is a bad day for me. Should I call her and see what she wanted or just let it go. I do want to know every detail of the couple of days that I didn't see him up untill he died but she can't be trusted she is a lier look me in the face and said she didn't do drugs. I am so angry with her for not calling me if he was having anykind of problems I would have made him go to the hospital one way or the other. So what do I do call her or not?
Love ya all,
Maggie

Chino

Will calling her cause you more pain?

howareyounow

Wow, I'm just 'new' to all 'this', but i guess
I would let it go for a bit. Then call.
She may want to 'feel' better by talking to you. I don't know.
I'm just sad for you. I dont want anyone to lose anyone, anymore. Ever.

marle

I agree with Chino. If this will just cause you more pain, then maybe it is best to wait a while before contacting her. My daughter's ex-addict boyfriend did not cause my daughter's addiction but for 2 and a half years he was the one who bought all her drugs for her. It is still hard for me to let go of the resentments that I feel towards him even though he is an addict too and I know that his life has suffered greatly because of it. If my daughter had overdosed he would have been the last person I would have wanted to have contact with. Hugs and prayers, Marle

winnie12

Dont do anything you're not ready to do. I'm sure she is sad to and wants someone to share it with but she might not be helpful to you.
Dont bog your mind down with learning all the details of his death - instead focus on remembering his life - the good things about him. nothing good can come from those details and she may feel the need to protect herself and make herself look more innocent then she is and that could be at the expense of your son's memory.

happygirl81

I just wrote you a huge long message on here and for some reason it did not post.

Anyway I'll keep it brief now, I posted a thread on here today to ask if I should tell my boyfriends mum about his cocaine use, most of the replies I received kind of suggest it wouldn't make any difference if I did.

I have been toying with this for three years, its been driving me crazy but whenever Id threaten to tell his mum he would do and say anything it took to stop me. He would say all kind of things to convince me it was a bad idea and would always promise to stop.

I was scared she wouldn't believe me, I was scared he would convince her i was lying or that he'd stopped, I was scared of being the one to hurt her by telling her, I was scared id ruin the family, I was scared of loosing him forever, ......I could go on and on here with all my fears why I didn't want tell her.

My point here is I really really don't want you to carry around that anger towards her, she is feeling the same pain as you, she even feels more responsible than anyone and she has to live with that.

We all need someone to blame but please don't blame her or yourself.

But that does not answer your question and im not sure if you should call her or not but maybe you could help eachother I don't know. Just please don't carry that anger with you.

Not so brief afterall!

Im also sorry to hear about the loss of your son and feel for you I really do. x

BBD

I agree with happygirl here. It's not the girlfriends fault. Maybe she was protecting you and herself with the things she knew. If they did drugs together they both weren't clear headed.....I have never blamed any of the women in my sons life for his mistakes. That'll just rip you apart more. I'm so sorry your going through this pain and as a mom I can't imagine anything worse......Love and hugs hon, Bonnie

Ann

Maggie, why not wait until you are a little more emotionally okay to deal with her. You don't have to do this all right now.

Or if you do talk to her, maybe just tell her it's too painful to talk about right now but you'll contact her later.

It takes time to process our pain, and then more time to grieve before we heal. It's okay to take as much time as you need before you begin to deal with anything else.

Hugs

Done_With_It

It's not your job or responsibility to make her feel better or have a better day.

Had she called and said, I just wanted to know if I could do anything for you
or if you needed anything, maybe you would feel differently.

I agree with Ann, do whatever you feel comfortable with doing. But don't
feel any obligation to do anything, you don't feel like doing.
Take care of you and your feeling first.

******{Maggie}}}}

greeteachday

I carried the same anger towards one of my daughter's "friends" who introduced her to heroin. When she called shortly after my daughter died, I wanted badly to lace into her. I realized that she was just as sick as my daughter, but I still couldn't find the compassion. I;m not sure I have yet...I have an intelluactual understanding but my heart has not embraced it yet. I pray for her now and I know in time I will feel those prayers in my heart as well. But the truth is, even before drugs, i did not like this person so I doubt we will ever connect.
When she called I simply said I'm sorry for your loss too but I really can not talk with you right now. I think she understood at some level.
I found the best way to work throguh my grief was to do what felt right to me. I'm so sorry for all your pain. No mom should have to lose her child. Hugs

winnie12

This situation just bugs me. I'm probably not able to see the other side being a parent of an addict myself so maybe i'm wrong. I just get so upset when i even see my son's addict friends calling. its such a trigger for so much pain to me - knowing that while i was here suffering with worry they were the ones laughing and hiding him out. I just dont have compassion for anyone who willingly participated with my son - they are not friends - they are acquantences who share a common problem. some of them are adults and that makes it even more unforgiveable as my child is a minor.

If this girl was someone that was in your life and you had connected with on a personal level before then that would be different. Some of my son's real friends have used with him but once his trouble started they wouldnt do it with him anymore and some even stopped themselves to show their support and becuase they saw what it did to him - that's a friend and those kids i have all the time in the world for. The ones who supplied him, supported his criminal activity, or just went along with it were no good for him and i have no use for them in my life.

Some day if she quits and wants to have an open and honest conversation with you then it would be beneficial to both of you but if she is still active or just beginning recovery it just sounds like it would do nothing but cause you pain and you've had enough pain for a while. I just think this is too soon for you to risk what emotions may come out of this.

Maggie have you seen a grief counselor? My brother lost his daughter in an accident and his family received a lot of comfort going to a grief counselor.

Maggiemac

I want to thank all of you for your answers. I didn't know this women just one of many women my son thought he liked. Also he didn't know her that long either. I met her 1 or 2 times didn't like the way she looked but when she told me she didn't use drugs that was a plus for her. I told her he had to stay away from his drug using so called friends. She look me in the face and said she would not stand for any of that.(this was another plus for her) then I come to find out she is on drugs and has been in and out of jail well you all know how I felt.
I want to know the truth of what happened to him I just saw him 2days before and he was happy wanted to go with us to my sisters for Thanksgiving. She is the only one who knows what happend but she doesn't tell the truth don't know if I could believe her.
Thank you all
Love ya,
Maggie

Katyrose

Maggie, I completely understand your "need to know." My son also had a longtime girlfriend (12 years), and she too drank and swallowed percocets with my son. But she didn't know he was using heroin again. My son, Joey, was using heroin 9+ years ago. He was arrested, and had to withdraw from the drug in jail. After his release from jail, Jill, his girlfriend, helped get him into an in-house recovery program, which truly helped him recover. He went 7 years without so much as a drink. Then 3 years ago, he decided to drink with Jill again. That's when she should have put her foot down, but she was a drinker too, so misery loves company, I guess.

I never knew it, but they progressed to percocets and both got addicted. Do I blame her? Partially, because she helped supply him with the pills, but on the other hand, she didn't put a gun to his head either. It had to be the percocets that led him to use heroin again. He was alone the night he died, so Jill doesn't know any more than I do. I knew Jill a long time and I used to think she was good for my son, but she really wasn't.

We do keep in touch because I like talking to her about Joey. She tells me a lot of good things they did through his sober years, and even the good times they had in their "using" years. I know she feels a lot of guilt about the tragedy of my son's death. She does blame herself for not seeing the signs. I know she is suffering and I feel that Joey would not want me to turn my back on her now. The rest of my family feel I should not bother with her, but I know she would have tried to stop him if she had known he was using heroin again. My son always did what he wanted to do, and Jill was not the one who gave him the needle. So, I have mixed emotions and I'm sorry if I've rambled on too much.

I know you want to know the events in your son's last days that led up to his death. I know the anguish that you are going through, and my heart goes out to you. You have to do what you feel will give you comfort. I hope you find the right way.

(((Hugs)))
Katy

ZombieWife

Follow your heart. If it will bring you closure, then it's something to consider in my mind. I, personally, would want to suffer through a little pain if it brought me closer to closure.

jerect

((((((Maggie))))))

Now is your time to heal... if speaking with her makes you feel the slightest bit angry or brings you more grief then I would not talk to her.. You have to do what is best for you in order to heal..

I like what someone else suggested... if she calls again tell her that you are not ready to talk right now, that you understand that she is hurting too but right now is just not a good time to talk to her about your son.. If you were close to her and saw her a lot then that would be a different situation but since you hardly knew this person, then you don't really owe her anything..

I really can't give you anymore advice because I do not have any kids and the pain of your loss is something I will never understand.. My heart goes out to you..