Why do they lie?

Old 12-29-2008, 02:22 PM
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Why do they lie?

So most of you know my story. My ex is in a treatment program (I have now started to receive the bills from ins co) and so he is going. He still very much acts like an addict with his behavior.

But why the lies? Is this still because he is in addictive thinking? I mean he lies about everything. I cant even get a straight story from him. So I guess I can still reassure myself that he is still not working a program because he is still lying right?

I still need to treat him as if he is an addict because of the lies right???

I just dont understand why he cant be honest. He was never like this before the drugs so I have to conclude that it is a direct result of the drug abuse.

I am just so tired of being lied to. It has gotten to the point where I just dont even bring anything up because it will end up being a lie.

I feel that honest is the first step in true recovery.
Does anyone else agree?
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Old 12-29-2008, 02:45 PM
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Hi Cassandra,
Like you, I'm extremely frustrated by the lies my addicted sister tells me... and often, she seems to lie for no apparent reason! What I've been advised to do is ignore what she says and focus on what she does. It's not worth arguing over whether things are or are not true, particularly things that neither of us can really conclusively prove or disprove. Instead, when I think she's lying to me, I just shrug and say, okay, and change the subject. It's not worth my time or aggravation to dispute it.

But to answer your question, yes, I think the lying has everything to do with the addiction particularly if your ex wasn't dishonest before the addiction. And it seems to take time for that mindset to change even during the beginning stages of recovery. At least that's what I've been told... my sister hasn't actually had any real clean time for me to tell if this is true!

When I think she's lying I just remind myself that I'm waiting for her to DO the right thing. What she says is unimportant to me.
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Old 12-29-2008, 02:57 PM
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I found I couldn't let my expectations of what my addicted loved one did in early recovery control my life (because it was bound to breed resentment) Truly, with the horror of the extreme downward spiral and my understanding that addiction is an illness I was just so grateful for the attempts at recovery and that she was alive. I found the best thing for me to do was to look in the mirror every time I found myself passing judgement. That focus on me and what I needed to work on humbled me and motivated me more to want recovery - for me. It also helped me to enjoy the precious time I did have with my addict seeking recovery. Hugs.
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Old 12-29-2008, 03:21 PM
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My daughter has 7 months clean and will still lie about little things. I think she lies because she wants me to be happy. I know that sounds weird but the things she lies about she thinks are the things that are important to me. I have decided to stop asking about the things that she feels the need to lie about, namely how she is conducting her life and her recovery. Hugs, Marle
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Old 12-29-2008, 04:05 PM
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Why does he continue to lie?

Because it takes a hell of a lot longer than 30, 45, 60, 90 days, 6 months, or even a year for an addict to change a lifetime (and yes to them it has been a lifetime) of living that way to survive in their own mind.

I thank HP every day that I didn't find out I was also Co-dependent until I was already 3 years sober and clean. I have been blessed with being able to 'read' the addict to a degree, and honestly, I don't trust a one of them until I see ACTIONS and not the WORDS. And many times I don't see ACTIONS for months and into years. I see some hanging in there, really wanting recovery, I see others just playing it, for manipulations, and I have seen a few that will probably NEVER (some have already died) find recovery.

I have a question for you? WHY do you continue to FOCUS on him instead of YOU and YOUR CHILDREN? You are driving yourself absolutely crazy with this. Go NO CONTACT, and if you can't do that totally then make sure, when HE calls you, not YOU calling him, that you only talk about the child you have together. If conversation veers, just say, "I have to go now" and hang up.

Cassandra you are making yourself sick, stressing yourself out, over something YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO CONTROL OVER.

Please, try, for your own sanity to take the focus off of this man that you CANNOT help.

J M H O

Love and hugs,
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Old 12-29-2008, 04:13 PM
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My daughter has lied to me a few times about trivial stuff, only to turn around immediately and admit to it. She said she didn't know why she lied except that she's so used to it. Old habits are hard to break.

By the way, I think the first step in a true recovery is honesty to self. The rest will follow
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Old 12-29-2008, 04:28 PM
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Cass,

they lie. That's what they do.

Unfortunatly I have the opposite trait, I tell the truth way tooooo much.....

In fact it causes me problems with the bf, because it provides them information to throw back in your face....

trust only those who YOU trust.

I've learned, that although I pride myself on pesonal insight and honesty w/thyself and others.....

the others who get my honesty now, are those whom I TRUST.

If you can't trust them, don't give up too much of you.

Love ya girl,,,, wish I could be of more help on the subject.....
Proud of you today though.

You are getting there....
Love,
Cessy
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Old 12-29-2008, 04:38 PM
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I think it takes the brain a hell of a long time to repair itself and heal.
I don't think there is any excuse but I think that is one of the reasons.

I think we do so much damage to our brains and our souls when we use,
that we can't expect them to be repaired and back to normal just because
we stop using.

It kind of reminds me of a plant that dies because you forgot to water it.
When you remember to water it, it takes awhile to come back to life.
I think that is kind of like us. Dead plants that our coming back to life.
Or that was me anyway. I used to think of myself as that plant trying
to come back to life, needing water, air, sunlight and time.

but I'm a dork, I have to think of things in weird ways to get through it.

My roommates both lie a lot, and they lie about lieing, they don't use either.
I gave up trying to figure out why they lie.
Their reasons mean nothing to me really.
I just smile and nod most of the time.
Their lies are on them.
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Old 12-29-2008, 05:03 PM
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My sister also is terrible when it comes to lies. Her actions in terms of going to her rehab sessions have been reassuring, but still so many lies about other things: big and small, from telling her bf that certain bills have been paid, to whether or not she confirmed with my mom it was OK to come home a day early for Xmas (it was news to my mom).
Unlike your husband, she had that problem before her addiction, so maybe its a symptom of her underlying mental issues. Half the time I think she really believes the things she says.
She has improved a bit with being in treatment, but its clearly going to take a long time.
I do what others above have suggested: unless its something really important, I just say "uh huh" and move on. It does no good at all to call her out on a lie.
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Old 12-29-2008, 05:05 PM
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Done with it...love the plant analogy. I just hope my sister has been watered in time!
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Old 12-29-2008, 07:53 PM
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The lying really drives me nuts. That is probably what drives me the most crazy with ABF. Since starting recovery, he is making efforts to be honest, but he sometimes lies first (before he comes clean). He says it's a defense mechanism because he doesn't want people to think badly of him. His counselor has told me that the lying is part of addiction. I think my ABF (now in recovery) is getting more honest, but only time will tell.
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Old 12-30-2008, 05:22 AM
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I too hate the lies...

I have always been a truth seeker... I would much rather cry over the truth then to smile over a lie... no matter what that truth is..

My AH has lied and lied and lied to me about anything and everything..

I have gotten to the point where I just don't discuss things with him if I know that he is lying to me..

In my AH's defense, he has gotten somewhat better... we have deal... I wont get mad if he tells me the truth... I may get upset, I may not like it, and I may tell him why I don't like it but as long as he is forthcoming with me about the truth then we wont have any problems... Sometimes he keeps up his end of the deal and sometimes he doesn't..

It comes down to this... they lie because facing the truth is a very hard thing to do when your an addict... They would rather llive in the safe little world that they have created for themselves rather then face reality.., deep down, I think they are ashamed of their actions so lying is a way the disease of addiction continues to protect itself.. Sometimes I don't think that my AH even knows the truth about himself or the things he does anymore, so lying is the only option he has...
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Old 12-30-2008, 07:47 AM
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I do not know the reason they lie but I like what (((DWI)))) said it is as good an explaination as any I have heard.

Now that you have a reason or two to refer to what difference will it make for you?
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Old 12-30-2008, 09:51 AM
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You know this is the way they are and it is so frustrating because you think, maybe this time they will get it together and stop lying. I truly believe it is like when a child lies and they have to cover each lie with another until it feels like a good story. It is almost as if they are creating an altered reality that they want to live in. If you buy it-they win and if you believe it, it must be true. Unfortunately, the longer I allowed him to lie to me the longer the drama continued. It hurt to tell him not to speak to me until he could stop the lies. I had to do that and what would you do if your child lied? You might ask them to go think about it again and come back when they were ready to admit the truth. I would be the same way. The sad thing is some lies become so entailed that you can ask for details on a later date and clearly see they weren't honest...but what you do once you know they are lying will determine the outcome.
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Old 01-01-2009, 02:32 PM
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it you find the secret let me know..
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Old 01-02-2009, 12:18 AM
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Thanks, cynical one, for posting that writing.

It took me eight years to come to the same conclusion, then leave.

It's a treat - 6 years later - to read I'm still in the right.

I may point out it's even better to be living far from the alcoholic mind.
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