cassandra2

I found a book series online by Toby Rice Drews. The books are called Getting them Sober.

Now I know that you are all thinking this cant be done except by the addict themselves. Yes, I agree. But I found one book in the series that I feel will really be helpful for me. As some of you may know I have been struggling to find a way to detach and get on with my life. I am finding that I do ok for a day or so and then crash and go right back into codie mode.

The book is volume 4 titled Separation and Divorce Issues-When one partner is an alcoholic.

I read an insert from the book and really thought that these situations fit me the had the following listed.

This book is for you:

if you feel depressed because you emotionally can't leave
if you have left and gone back
if you're scared that if you leave, he'll get sober, and then you'll be sorry you left
if you are separated and your anger has cooled down and you miss him.This book tells EXACTLY what keeps us attracted to alcoholics; HOW to detach; HOW to make decisions about separation; what makes us keep going back to alcoholics.

I bolded the part that I felt I identified with. Anyway, my questions are the following:

Even though the book is titled about alcoholics is the same still true for drug addicts? I mean isnt really all just chemical abuse?

So basically I could read this and take something away for myself even though the book is primarily about alcoholism?

And has anyone read these books before? If so did they help you at all?

Thanks for your feed back....

I really am just looking for ways to cope and be able to get on with my life. I feel that I am constantly spinning my wheels.

suemarie

Hi cassandra, I'm sorry I can't offer my opinion on this book as I haven't read it but I wanted to thank you for letting us know about it. It sounds like a book for me. If you do read it, could you come back here and comment on it as to whether the book was helpful or not?

Blackrose56

I have read every book at least twice. And yes, you can apply it to your addict. Worked for me. She does NOT tell you to be strong. She does not ridicule you if you go back. You more or less, take what you like and leave the rest. I found her books very helpful. And she says if you follow what she has to say...there is a better chance for the addict/alcoholic in your life to find recovery. The trick is...if you follow her "advice" you will get on with your life. You will find a new life and you will detach from the alcoholic/addict. Great books. And she does not tell you to "forget the bum". Which I have heard in other groups...NOT this group. Please don't get me wrong. This group is VERY supportive and does NOT ridicule you, if you go back or decide to give them another try.

cassandra2

I just ordered it and I will post my comments when I get to read the books. I just ordered two Getting them Sober Vol 1 and Vol 4. I will title the thread getting them sober so check back in about a week or so....

cassandra2

Blackrose you have been gone awhile. How are things going???

I really enjoyed reading your posts and hearing what you have to say. Thanks for your input. I just ordered the books cant wait to get them.....

bluebelle

I'd like to hear what you think after you start the books. I have looked at these on Amazon. I think I can find them here in the library, which we be good for me. I have a tendency to be a book hoarder.

outtolunch

The only difference between alcohol and a drug is the the former is legal and socially acceptable.

If it's in print, I have probably read it, which is a problem in itself. I like the appoach of this book, especially as it relates to co-dependency issues between consenting adults.

It's as hard for most of us to let go of the addict/alcoholic's outcome, as it is for them to let go of their substance.

Let us know what you think, once you have read it.

sailorjohn

I've read that particular volume and IMO it's a great book. And yeah, they all do the same things, addiction is addiction, only difference is the DOC.

cassandra2

I read some parts of the Vol 4 and was really relieved to hear the message that Toby is saying. Sometimes I think that I am crazy for wanting my ex back. But in reality I dont want the person he is but the person he was. I just need to have something that I can grasp onto that will propel me forward.

I am wearing down and starting to "think" to much and I just cant take it anymore. I am tired of feeling this way.

Tomorrow is the big day. He will be coming to remove the rest of his things. I know what I have to do. I know it will be hard but I am telling myself that he is not the same. Why ask someone back if they are a stranger.

sojourner

I read the "Getting Them Sober" books 20 years ago (OMG, dates me!) when i was living with an active addict husband. I pondered the title, and finally decided that it was a "hook" that got me to pick up the book because I was looking for advice on how to get him sober. It was in reading the books that I came to realize that I could not, but that there was a better way for me to go... i'm grateful for those books..

NeedingHelp7

Cassandra, I hate the days I think to much too. There is no way of getting around our pain, but the pain does lessen some days. I think the hardest part for me, is where do I go from here? This is not what I wanted, it was just handed to me, I had no choice in the matter. I thought he was the most wonderful man on earth, sent from Heaven. One minute I'm a married happy wife, and mother and the next it's all destoyed due to his addictions, adultery, lies,etc.... and I'm left here so sad. And you know.... he doesn't give 2 cares of what he's done to this family. And now he is an alien I have never met before, a stranger. He's really beyond sick, to me he's evil. When I know he is coming, I think of ways now to stay out of view of him. I recommend you don't let AH in the home when he comes to pick up his things, just have them neatly packed outside for him. You don't have to be in sight when he does this. This will help you.

I pray tomorrow will be as painless as possible for you.

Huggs,
NH7

Callie

I would love to know what you think of the book in comparison to the Melodie Beatty book CD No More. I'm going to start rereading that book next week.

sojourner

Callie: As i recall (haven't read them in years), Getting Them Sober was more to my personality because it gave short, concise actions to take - more definite, clear advice and tips. Seems like Codependent No More was more about me taking a huge inventory - not so much taking action but me diagnosing me and then going on from there - not as much help for me....

liesagain

I loved this book. I found that so many of the things in the book were on point with me and how I was feeling while dealing with my addict husband

Its my opinion that addiction is addiction regardless of what substance the person is addicted to

bluebelle

I ordered Vol. 1 last night! I should get it in a few days. I'll let you know what I think!

nytepassion

Toby Rice Drews changed my life ... personally, I think the books are priceless .. one of the best purchases I've ever made.

I say read them and follow the advise. The alcoholic/addict may not change, but the reader will


They really take the power out of what the addict/alcoholic does or doesn't do and causes you to focus on yourself.
I can't imagine where I'd be if I never read "Getting Them Sober" ... I totally ate up every word in the book. I couldn't put it down. I didn't want my hubby to catch me reading it so I pull out my bible and put it in the middle of it and he never knew what hit him LOL

bluebelle

I received my Vol. 1 today! I'm looking forward to reading it.

suemarie

Hey you all are so great! I will look forward to your responses about the books. I think I like the sound of 'Getting them Sober".

I am like Cassandra2, Oh boy I know what your saying!

One thing that I thought was great about having my exahh was that he 'helped me with my son who is an addict. He helped me understand and also helped me with my son when trying to achieve sobriety. Now that my ex isn't around anymore, I feel kinda lost about how to deal with my son. So now I have lost both of them.... really sending me into a spiral.

Thanks to all of you for sharing

URMYEVERYTHING

To All,
As I'm learning to deal with the absence of my HB while in rehab, I have and I'm still learning that I am blessed to have what I have. My son who is bright and beautiful and a blessing, my own house (which I own), good credit, a good job, a good family that is supportive and my health. NOTHING else matters. Not even a man. I have made it on my own and even though it would be nice to have a man around to help when loneliness sinks in, I am learning to keep myself occupied and cure my own loneliness. Just like us not causing their addiction and unable to cure it but themselves, we too have to cure how we deal with our loneliness and NEED to have someone. With my HB away, I have been more at peace day by day. Yep, I cry everyday but I'm at peace. I'm at peace knowing he's not around with his moods and selfishness. I'm at peace knowing he is in tx. I'm at peace knowing that my son and I are protected from his moods, drug use, his own emotional tortue. I'm at peace that the Lord and myself got him out before more damage was done. I still battle with the person he WAS and IS. It's the hardest thing in my life- hands down- but setting boundaries and letting them know that you care about the person that has been suppressed by drugs and not the addict is the best you can do. I told my HB last night when he called that I must take care of myself and he needs to take care of himself. He tells me he can do two two things at once. I realized at that moment that statement is a way to keep me around. I told him "GREAT" that he can handle two things at one time but only time will tell. I told him that I love him and care about him but the sober him. The choice is his to make. When you put the choice back on the addict, the easier it is to stop the emotional war within yourself if you should stay or go. I simply told him that since he abandoned the relationship with his lies, his manipulation and his stealing, it's up to him to fix it. Otherwise, if you decide to get high then don't cross my boundary AT ALL. Just disappear. Be comfortable with yourself and the lonely days that WILL come. Face the impossible and you will see that each day gets easier. Look at the positives in the situation and begin to heal yourself. Get your ducks in a row while he is in selfish mode in the case you need to move on. Always have a back up plan. This goes for dating men PERIOD!! Addict or not. Much love and peace in your lives ALWAYS!!

winnie12

I really like what URMYEVERYTHING says and I'm in the same state of mind (which is wonderfully freeing) - to add to her thoughts - being alone doesnt have to mean being lonely. There's a huge difference and when we confuse the two sometimes we accept less in our relationships then we deserve.

At this stage in my life being "lonely" means I'm allowing others to control my happiness

Being "alone" means that i'm confident enough in myself to find peace in being alone and drama-free