winnie12

I wish my AS never came home - i hate to admit it especially with the holidays but he does nothing but hurt. We've only had a couple of arguments but i feel like i'm walking on eggshells and the arguments are the same ones we have had for a year and a half.

He doesnt feel loved because i'm not all touchy feely with him - i dont have it in me to treat him like that. He as usual says i'm selfish and dont treat him like i love him. He says i work too much and i dont do anything to show i care about my kids. I do work too much but its because i get no child support. I telecommute and can work as much as i need to so i'm pretty much always working just to keep the bills paid. Its all I can do to keep the bills paid, buy the insulin, pay the doctor bills. He cannot see that one of the reasons i have to work so much is because he is an expensive child. When he goes through one of his "episodes" I will miss so much work running back and forth to court, hospitals, whatever that time takes and it takes a while to recoup. Not to mention that it costs a small fortune to feed a 16 yo boy.

I'm just hurt. i'm tired of being expected to sit around and never tell him how i feel. i'm a mom so i'm not allowed to make him feel bad by saying that he has hurt me. My life was so peaceful when it was just my daughter and me. It was wonderful and I was really starting to be happy for the first time in a long long time. Now its gone because he's here and when he's here the whole world has to focus on him and if you dont - you better watch out because he's going to punish you. I'm realizing that he just sucks the joy out of my life.

hello-kitty

Funny how sometimes, when we finally get what we want, we realize it isn't really what we wanted afterall.

Other than that, I don't know what to say but you have my heart felt support. I encourage you to detach and stop giving into his demands. You are the parent. You make the rules in your house. You must enforce them the best way you know how. It's not easy to be a mom.

You don't have to let him suck the job out of your life. Do you go to alanon or anything?

winnie12

I never said i wanted him back. i was very hesitant about it from the beginning and now i just feel like i'm being forced back into a life i dont want. he's a minor and there is nothing i can do. I have 5 1/2 weeks to go before he can go back to rehab. He's not using but he's still the same exact person - i didnt expect him to be any different. I just dont want to do this and i have to.

I've gone to some alanon - its been hard with as much as i work. He had said he wants to go to some NA meetings, hopefully we can find one that has alanon at the same time.

hello-kitty

Is there anything you can do today to make yourself feel better? Can you think of a step you can take towards detachment?

Sometimes taking action makes me feel better and more in control of my own happiness.

BBD

Hi winnie, Just because your son is only 16~ it doesn't mean you can't tell him how you feel. I think thats old enough for him to realize that you also have a life and that with working so hard its hard to be emotional anymore. You may just wake him up a bit with a good talk. Its so hard. I know cause I'm on pins and needles when my son is around sometimes but I'm learning that he has made his life and I did try for years to stear him in the right direction. Granted~~my son is alot older than yours but if I had started years ago maybe we would have had a different outcome here...Big hugs and happy holidays hon, Bonnie

winnie12

He just brushes me off when i say how i feel. i think that it actually makes him feel bad and he'll do anything to keep from feeling bad. His court counselor actually just stopped by (nice timing) and she just doesnt feel he's far enough along in his recovery to even understand what i'm saying. she said she would have some private sessions with me to help me get through this - she said to talk to her because talking to him will do no good right now - in time it will but right now it causes anger in him. I'm just feeling really sad right now - its Christmas and I want to feel the joy but I just dont right now. I've been crying for about two hours now - i'll shake it eventually - i have to for my daughters sake. but right now i just want to cry. At least christmas he'll be at his dad's for a while - my daughter and i will go to my parents and it will be lovely. I'll actually be able to relax, eat a wonderful meal and even have a glass a champagne - something i cant do at my home.

Impurrfect

(((Winnie)))

Big hugs and prayers to you, sweetie.

Although my 15-year-old niece, Brit, is not an A, I've had to tell her, many times, the world does NOT revolve around her...I can imagine with addiction, on top of his age, he has a big sense of entitlement.

I hope you can get to some al-anon meetings. 5-1/2 weeks is a long time to walk around on eggshells. Do you not want to tell him exactly why you work so much (him being a big part of the reason) because of his reaction?

I have no answer, but my thoughts are with you.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

cessy68

I hope that you are able to find some peace during the holdiays and in the future as well.

I don't have the answers for you winnie- it must be tough when it is a child that you are dealing with- it must give you so many mixed emotions- I can't even imagine.

Try to be loving to yourself-----

I wish I had more advice today.
Thinking of you,
Love,
cessy

winnie12

He knows why i work so much he just uses it to make me feel bad. if we dont have enough money for something he will tell me i dont take care of them - if i work to provide then i work too much. You all know how it is - its not about me its about him trying to make me feel bad about me so that he can feel better about what he does to me. i hate that i keep letting him pull me into those no-win conversations. Here's how it went today:

AS - you dont treat me like you care about me - you do nothing for me.
ME - i'm taking of you and and your sister the best i can.
AS So you think that sitting in your office and working all day is showing us you care - there are more things then work. We need other things you know.
ME - yes - but this is what i have to do right now because i dont have any help. I think its more important right now that i put food on the table.
AS You dont have help because you never ask for help.
Me - Yes i do ask for help
AS When?
ME I've had to ask a friend to help when i couldnt buy groceries last summer. I've asked ex, i've asked your dad, the church has helped me.
AS When did you ask my dad?
ME A while back when we were about to loose the house.
AS What did he say
Me He said Yes
AS Then he didnt do it, did he?
ME No
AS Well that's just stupid - why would you ask someone you know cant help you.
ME He had a job at the time and i needed help.
AS Yeah and it just kills you to ask for help. I can see it in your face you cant stand for anyone to help you and that's why your in this position. You're lying - you never asked him for help - your just saying that to try to make yourself right and me wrong. You just want to make me feel bad and have an excuse for working so much. and then he just goes off blah blah blah about how bad of a mom I am

I was abandoned last year by my husband of 10 years. My son is an addict and a diabetic. I am supporting three people on my own. It takes every thread of strength in my body to keep going some days and when i hear such disdain come out of his mouth it just crushes me. I'm the only person in the world that has truly been there for him and i know that its illogical to think these things but it still hurts so bad when your child says such hateful things. He sat with the counselor and talked about how miserable i am all the time - but what he doesnt realize is i'm only miserable around him. I like myself - I like my life - I adore my sweet daughter - I just dont like drama.

I'm sorry i'm going on a rant today - i knew this would be hard. It seems like no matter how long you go through it still hurts just as much. Someone needs to tell me a joke and make me laugh!!!

NeedingHelp7

Boy do I remember those days....always tension.

Does he ever ask for help? I think he needs something to do. Maybe you could ask him to help around the house. Paint something, a project, anything to get him away from you and too much idle time. 16 yr olds can do a lot, maybe not perfectly, but they can do a lot.

Maybe he wants you to ask him for help doing something.

BBD

It's ok winnie, Your feelings are your own and its perfectly right to feel as you do. I would also and have many times. Your doing the best you can and its also OK to not ask for help. Jeepers~~give yourself a break and have 2 glasses of champagne....I don't like the drama at all anymore so I just don't react to it. Your son is still young and knows how to get you going so take a break from it and send him to his room......just kidding of course but I bet thats what you'd like to do..Bonnie

winnie12

I am trying to get him doing some community service starting in January at a local church. That way he gets outta my hair and works off some of his court fines and probation fees. Even though he is a minor i'm not paying his fees and the court agrees. They would waive them for me because of my finances but I'd rather he work them off. He doesnt deserve charity.

He does do chores - I'm pretty adament about that and told him he is responsible for cleaning the house. There's no reason that i should work all day, go grocery shopping, cook dinner, and clean house when he's just sitting around. He's the one who wanted to come home so he's going to have to deal with that. That's not too bad because i've raised my kids knowing that everyone had to do their part in the home. If they are active in something or working hard in school they dont have many chores but if they're sitting around then they can expect to work. I work hard but i'm not their slave.

hello-kitty

I think you are right to focus on yourself, your daughter and the positive things in your life. This too shall pass (even though it may seem like an eternity). Only 2 more years until he is 18. ;-)

marle

It is just not possible to have a normal relationship with an addict. I find that even though my daughter has been clean for 7 months and going to meetings, she is still so far from knowing how other people are feeling. My daughter is not ready to face a lot of the things that she has done to our family. She will be the first to admit that. When she is gives me attitude I just try hard to remember that she does not yet love herself and so how can I expect her to love me. Prayers that the next few weeks go by fast so your son can get back to where he needs to be and you can have peace in your life again. Hugs, Marle

winnie12

Kitty 1 year, 11 months, 13 days, and 6 1/2 hours (give or take a few minutes)

Freedom1990

Winnie, I am so sorry and I know how that can wear and tear on a person. :ghug

Chino

Winnie, buy some ear plugs and I'm serious. I have a huge box here and would give you a handful if I lived next door. My RAD has no idea I had earplugs in sometimes when she would get on a roll. I could still hear her but it was muffled and removed the high pitch when she whined. I just kept saying I'm sorry every time she paused for breath and smiled like an idiot.

hello-kitty

I got this great advice out of a book. Say: "I love you too much to argue with you" and walk away. Repeat as often as necessary until he gets tired of hearing it and starts to walk away himself.

It takes more discipline than you think. I do it to my son. Grant it he's younger. But he's starting to get the picture. He already gets frustrated with me. He says stop saying that mom! But I just repeat it until he leaves me alone.

Actually, it's become a game for me and it gives me a lot of pleasure when he loses and shuts up.

Try it! You have nothing to lose. ;-)

mooselips

I love this. So simple.
Thanks for sharing.

I think it tells them we do love them, NOT that they're NOT worth the effort, if you know what I mean...

BBD

another thing to say is "you may be right"~~~~~that stops them in thier tracks thinking "what the heck"~~~~have a great holiday and be good to yourself. You don't deserve any negitivity with all you DO,,,,,smiles, Bonnie