I dont want my son here
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
he is trying to make you feel guilty. do not let him. you have nothing to feel guilty about. keep the focus on you. do something good for yourself,it is christmas.
. hugs & prayers for you.
. hugs & prayers for you.
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 561
winnie...
When I was nineteen, my parents kicked my fifteen year old sister out of our home. Being a minor, they couldn't just boot her out on the streets, but they did kick her out. They went to their church and garnered some support and found friends who were willing to let her "room" in their houses for awhile. My parents paid her living expenses (not more than it cost to have her at home, minus all the money she was stealing from them) and she lived like that for quite a long time. Her behaviour, as a guest in someone else's home, was better than it had ever been in our house, and I think she kind of enjoyed feeling like she was an adult in her own apartment.
My parents did this because they were out of options. She was stealing from them, and absolutely refused to follow any rules in our house. It was miserable having her there and I remember a feeling of absolute relief when she left. It was healthy for all of us to reclaim our lives. All the fighting in our house stopped virtually overnight.
It's not something to undertake lightly, obviously, but in my opinion, it's not wrong to find an alternate place for your child to live if living at home just doesn't work. If your son ruins your mental, physical or spiritual health... you won't be any good to him anyway.
I hope that doesn't seem too harsh... but I'm really a big believer in taking care of yourself first and helping others second. If living with your son is too hard on your family, maybe there are other options worth exploring.
All the best to you... I am sending good wishes.
Lisa
When I was nineteen, my parents kicked my fifteen year old sister out of our home. Being a minor, they couldn't just boot her out on the streets, but they did kick her out. They went to their church and garnered some support and found friends who were willing to let her "room" in their houses for awhile. My parents paid her living expenses (not more than it cost to have her at home, minus all the money she was stealing from them) and she lived like that for quite a long time. Her behaviour, as a guest in someone else's home, was better than it had ever been in our house, and I think she kind of enjoyed feeling like she was an adult in her own apartment.
My parents did this because they were out of options. She was stealing from them, and absolutely refused to follow any rules in our house. It was miserable having her there and I remember a feeling of absolute relief when she left. It was healthy for all of us to reclaim our lives. All the fighting in our house stopped virtually overnight.
It's not something to undertake lightly, obviously, but in my opinion, it's not wrong to find an alternate place for your child to live if living at home just doesn't work. If your son ruins your mental, physical or spiritual health... you won't be any good to him anyway.
I hope that doesn't seem too harsh... but I'm really a big believer in taking care of yourself first and helping others second. If living with your son is too hard on your family, maybe there are other options worth exploring.
All the best to you... I am sending good wishes.
Lisa
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
Thank you all so much for your help through this - yesterday was so tough on me. A night of sleep helps and I'm just going to keep my distance for the next two days - I wont let him take Christmas from me and turn it into something negative. I know a few truths about my son and my situtation.
One is that he does love me very much - he doesnt show it but this child probably loves me more than anyone and he knows that he needs me. He cannot stand that fact because it goes against everthing he claims to be to need someone or to acknowledge that I am many times right. He is scared and very lonely right now because he is living in the nightmare that he alone created. He wants me to make him feel like its all okay - but I cant do that.
Two is that it hurts him to know what he has done to me but he is neither mature enough or far enough along in his recovery to face those feelings in a positive way so instead of facing the consequences of his actions he turns them against me.
Next, he has a very charismatic personality and others (strangers) go overboard with him in their attention. His counselor mentioned this yesterday. He wants me to treat him like strangers do but those strangers havent gone through what I have with him.
Finally, he knows what makes me tick. He knows what is the most important thing to me - what I take pride in. I am not a perfect mom but I put my heart and soul into being the best mom that I am capable of - my kids needs come first - when they need something I make sure they get it (not want but need). I also take a lot of pride in my work - in my field I am highly respected as someone who is knowledgeable and hardworking - he knows this becuase of the way my boss treats me and relies upon me. He finds the things that I take pride in and pulls me down with them - makes me doubt myself in an effort to bring me down to his level. And I'm letting him do it.
I have faced the adversities in life with hard work and with HP at my side I have risen above them. People have clung to me during the process to pull them through their problems and I've allowed it which has made my load twice as heavy. Then because they couldnt face the fact that they used me in this way - they told me I was worthless and cold so they would not have to acknowledge my strength. They dont worry about me and what I need from them because they know that I will survive - but they see me as invincible which I am not. Yes I will survive but I wont carry along the undeserving anymore.
There will come a point in time that I will be walking alone and finally will be able to reap the benefits of my hard work in this life. I look forward to that day more than you can know because with what I have learned and the strength that I am gaining I know that I am going to rise up like the phoenix and have the life I have always wanted and earned. I must be patient while I learn these lessons and allow it to take hold of me and change in me positive ways because the person I will be after this experience is going to be a much better and stronger version of me. Everyday I get one step closer to being the person that my HP created me to be. I feel him smiling down on me right now and saying "my child you are getting closer."
One is that he does love me very much - he doesnt show it but this child probably loves me more than anyone and he knows that he needs me. He cannot stand that fact because it goes against everthing he claims to be to need someone or to acknowledge that I am many times right. He is scared and very lonely right now because he is living in the nightmare that he alone created. He wants me to make him feel like its all okay - but I cant do that.
Two is that it hurts him to know what he has done to me but he is neither mature enough or far enough along in his recovery to face those feelings in a positive way so instead of facing the consequences of his actions he turns them against me.
Next, he has a very charismatic personality and others (strangers) go overboard with him in their attention. His counselor mentioned this yesterday. He wants me to treat him like strangers do but those strangers havent gone through what I have with him.
Finally, he knows what makes me tick. He knows what is the most important thing to me - what I take pride in. I am not a perfect mom but I put my heart and soul into being the best mom that I am capable of - my kids needs come first - when they need something I make sure they get it (not want but need). I also take a lot of pride in my work - in my field I am highly respected as someone who is knowledgeable and hardworking - he knows this becuase of the way my boss treats me and relies upon me. He finds the things that I take pride in and pulls me down with them - makes me doubt myself in an effort to bring me down to his level. And I'm letting him do it.
I have faced the adversities in life with hard work and with HP at my side I have risen above them. People have clung to me during the process to pull them through their problems and I've allowed it which has made my load twice as heavy. Then because they couldnt face the fact that they used me in this way - they told me I was worthless and cold so they would not have to acknowledge my strength. They dont worry about me and what I need from them because they know that I will survive - but they see me as invincible which I am not. Yes I will survive but I wont carry along the undeserving anymore.
There will come a point in time that I will be walking alone and finally will be able to reap the benefits of my hard work in this life. I look forward to that day more than you can know because with what I have learned and the strength that I am gaining I know that I am going to rise up like the phoenix and have the life I have always wanted and earned. I must be patient while I learn these lessons and allow it to take hold of me and change in me positive ways because the person I will be after this experience is going to be a much better and stronger version of me. Everyday I get one step closer to being the person that my HP created me to be. I feel him smiling down on me right now and saying "my child you are getting closer."
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
You sound good today, Winnie. Don't worry if some days you don't feel this strong but then others you do. It's all part of this continuous journey. But today, your words resonated with me. I feel I have reached that point in life you are referring to. My son is 25 now, Winnie, and lived with me during a lot of the drug/rehab/stressful years until just recently, so I do understand your aggravation and at times, despair. Keep your chin up, sister. You will get to where you need to be. Your son may or may not, but it is really in his and his HP's hands, as you know. Sending big encouraging hugs to you.
I'm HOME!!!!!
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Hot flash city
Posts: 573
Originally Posted by winnie12 
Everyday I get one step closer to being the person that my HP created me to be. I feel him smiling down on me right now and saying "my child you are getting closer."
Amen sister!!!! I was venting to my sister the other day, well ok...call it whining, and she said, "But God gave it to you, cause he knew you would be able to handle it" I know I let God down sometimes, but I honestly think I am strong enuf, just because I haven't snapped like a twig, so far. You know how years ago, you used to hear about people having a nervous breakdown, I sometimes think...how nice would that be?! But honestly, I can't afford it....I have my grandson to support right now. And for better or worse, he's stuck with me tooooo.
Hang in there....I know there's a reason we go through these trials...(not sure why)...but trust HP!!
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Winnie, Print out that post you just made and keep it as a reminder of just how much you want a good life. Then when your son is being so negative it will serve as a reminder of just how sick he is. You have some wonderful insight and you need to remember that when you are feeling so down. You can do it. Hugs, Marle
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Though it may not appear to be so on the surface, this is a beautiful topic you've shared. It's full of honesty, strength and courage.
Merry Christmas and thank you for sharing your gifts with us
Merry Christmas and thank you for sharing your gifts with us
Hi winnie, Hope your doing OK today. It's almost Xmas eve and I just wanted to stop by and send you a Xmas hug~~~~~
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Winnie)))
I'm glad to see you sounding better today. You ARE a very strong woman, but I'm glad that when you are having a rough day, you can come here and "talk" about it.
You do have some great insight, and your post struck a chord with me. I used to get a bit angry, because I was always the strong one that held everything and everyone together. Of course, now I see that a part of that was being a codie, but another part of that is just who I am and it's not necessarily a bad thing...it's HP's "plan".
I think a lot of us, on here, are very strong people, but we all have our times when we've just had enough and need a little TLC from our friends.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm glad to see you sounding better today. You ARE a very strong woman, but I'm glad that when you are having a rough day, you can come here and "talk" about it.
You do have some great insight, and your post struck a chord with me. I used to get a bit angry, because I was always the strong one that held everything and everyone together. Of course, now I see that a part of that was being a codie, but another part of that is just who I am and it's not necessarily a bad thing...it's HP's "plan".
I think a lot of us, on here, are very strong people, but we all have our times when we've just had enough and need a little TLC from our friends.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
We made it through Christmas with no drama - HALLELUIAH!!!!
Christmas morning i spent with AS and my daughter and he was actually thankful for the few practical gifts he got - which was a huge relief. He had been a little sulky that he wasnt going to get anything fun. He then went to his dad's and we went to my mom and dad's which was a lovely day. They spoiled me even though they had already given me some help that was supposed to be my christmas present. It was nice to have someone in my life spoil me. I picked him up later and he actually said he wanted to watch a movie with me and spend some time together. I was a little nervous with alone time with him but there was no drama - yeah.
I got up this a.m. planning on cleaning house and getting to work and he had already cleaned the house before he went to bed! I was absolutely thrilled - very nice jesture on his part. He knows i love to wake up to a clean house and we had throughouly trashed it yesterday with christmas goodies everywhere. Of course there's a skeptical side of me that says "what's he want" but i'm trying not to be that way and just see it as his christmas gift to me since he couldnt get me anything this year.
He wants to go to church sunday morning - that's another good step but i have to keep my enthusiasm down so that it doesnt push him away. He really needs HP to get through all of this but i have to be more of a third party in this and let it all be what he is ready to do in that area. I'm still trying to keep my distance so that when the next drama comes up it wont blindside me but he seems to be trying to make some gestures to keep things peaceful so i'll take those gifts - even if its just for christmas.
Christmas morning i spent with AS and my daughter and he was actually thankful for the few practical gifts he got - which was a huge relief. He had been a little sulky that he wasnt going to get anything fun. He then went to his dad's and we went to my mom and dad's which was a lovely day. They spoiled me even though they had already given me some help that was supposed to be my christmas present. It was nice to have someone in my life spoil me. I picked him up later and he actually said he wanted to watch a movie with me and spend some time together. I was a little nervous with alone time with him but there was no drama - yeah.
I got up this a.m. planning on cleaning house and getting to work and he had already cleaned the house before he went to bed! I was absolutely thrilled - very nice jesture on his part. He knows i love to wake up to a clean house and we had throughouly trashed it yesterday with christmas goodies everywhere. Of course there's a skeptical side of me that says "what's he want" but i'm trying not to be that way and just see it as his christmas gift to me since he couldnt get me anything this year.
He wants to go to church sunday morning - that's another good step but i have to keep my enthusiasm down so that it doesnt push him away. He really needs HP to get through all of this but i have to be more of a third party in this and let it all be what he is ready to do in that area. I'm still trying to keep my distance so that when the next drama comes up it wont blindside me but he seems to be trying to make some gestures to keep things peaceful so i'll take those gifts - even if its just for christmas.
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Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: ontario, canada
Posts: 540
Hi Winnie, they can be very draining on your emotions. My AS is 21 has been using since he was 16. He has been out of the house for a year ( thankgoodness) the truth is he grinds on my nerves. Everything is someones elses fault, always deflecting the blame. Even at 16 he was the same. He too complained I worked to much. If we dont work the bills dont get paid. They know what makes you tick and will play on that. You have validated reasons for the way you feel. Dont be so hard on your self. (((( hugs))))))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
Funny, I wish i had time for a nervous breakdown. My mother, who is a rock of strength, tells me she doesnt know how i get through it. All i can say is i have no choice in the matter - i'm a mom and i have to get through it.
As for God not giving us more then we can handle... he is seriously overestimating me
As for God not giving us more then we can handle... he is seriously overestimating me
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hey Winnie....
I'm sorry for your stress and pain....my BF and I feel it and are going through something quite similar. It's just that his AS is about 30 but still acts like a bully and frightened teen. You have my hugs and prayers. I hope that your day will be better today!
All my best,
HG
I'm sorry for your stress and pain....my BF and I feel it and are going through something quite similar. It's just that his AS is about 30 but still acts like a bully and frightened teen. You have my hugs and prayers. I hope that your day will be better today!
All my best,
HG
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