I turn my will and my life.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
I turn my will and my life.....
At some point and time I set a boundary that I felt confident was the right thing to do.
On a Tuesday I had suspicion that the boundary was broken.
By Wednesday I was sure that it was. On the way to work I prayed and I gave up....I felt a need to turn my life over to my HP....I knew I could no longer handle things the way I had been. I needed help -- a hard thing to admit for someone as stubborn as I am.
By Thursday I was angry at myself for failing to follow through with my promise to myself.
On Friday I had the phone thrown at me because I wouldn't drive him to get more pills. He missed. Having already experienced the insanity of an abusive relationship, I knew right then and there that something had to change. As I drove towards the freeway I had the choice to turn left or right --left meant waiting until he passed out and I could go home and right meaning I had to ask for help and spend the night on a couch -- I turned right.
My mom hugged me let me cry on her shoulder and sleep on her couch. Later, my dad did not lecture like I was afraid he would. Instead, he offered understanding and a place to stay as long as I need it. I even admitted some things to coworkers. They took me out dancing.
This all happened in November. AH is back in the house and I know I need to remain strong. Rehab and meetings are good for him, but for me, I need more.
Things are harder this year than ever before; the future is uncertain. I am pretty much broke, behind on everything, and without xmas tree and presents.
Yet.........I feel good. I feel that I am on my way towards a better future -- whatever that may mean. I don't know where I am going....but I know that I am on my way.
What can I say, I've always been a slow learner.
So, tonight, I am thankful for friends on SR (and alanon) who have helped by listening, sharing ES&H, and providing support.
Merry Christmas............Love, Rica
On a Tuesday I had suspicion that the boundary was broken.
By Wednesday I was sure that it was. On the way to work I prayed and I gave up....I felt a need to turn my life over to my HP....I knew I could no longer handle things the way I had been. I needed help -- a hard thing to admit for someone as stubborn as I am.
By Thursday I was angry at myself for failing to follow through with my promise to myself.
On Friday I had the phone thrown at me because I wouldn't drive him to get more pills. He missed. Having already experienced the insanity of an abusive relationship, I knew right then and there that something had to change. As I drove towards the freeway I had the choice to turn left or right --left meant waiting until he passed out and I could go home and right meaning I had to ask for help and spend the night on a couch -- I turned right.
My mom hugged me let me cry on her shoulder and sleep on her couch. Later, my dad did not lecture like I was afraid he would. Instead, he offered understanding and a place to stay as long as I need it. I even admitted some things to coworkers. They took me out dancing.
This all happened in November. AH is back in the house and I know I need to remain strong. Rehab and meetings are good for him, but for me, I need more.
Things are harder this year than ever before; the future is uncertain. I am pretty much broke, behind on everything, and without xmas tree and presents.
Yet.........I feel good. I feel that I am on my way towards a better future -- whatever that may mean. I don't know where I am going....but I know that I am on my way.
What can I say, I've always been a slow learner.
So, tonight, I am thankful for friends on SR (and alanon) who have helped by listening, sharing ES&H, and providing support.
Merry Christmas............Love, Rica
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Rica, your story touched my heart and my prayers go out for you and your family.
It was like that for me too. I was driving down the highway after threatening to kick down a crackhouse door if they didn't send my son out (stupid, dangerous thing to do) and I just gave up and gave my son and my will up to God. I have never looked back. Once I did that, and I still do that every morning...my life got so much better. Unburdened of the fear, I was able to work MY program and find MY peace...no matter how my son was doing.
Your story (and mine) are the stories of so many in this program who found out what it meant in our Step 2, where it says "Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity", and Step 3 where we become willing to turn our lives and our will over to the God of our understanding.
It sounds so simple, yet I know that for most of us, we need to exhaust our options first. It was like that for me. Only then could I surrender willingly and without desire to take any of it back.
Thank you for this reminder today, it's a good time for me to remember how I got to that good place I am in today. And it's good to walk with you on this journey. It just keeps getting better and better each day
It was like that for me too. I was driving down the highway after threatening to kick down a crackhouse door if they didn't send my son out (stupid, dangerous thing to do) and I just gave up and gave my son and my will up to God. I have never looked back. Once I did that, and I still do that every morning...my life got so much better. Unburdened of the fear, I was able to work MY program and find MY peace...no matter how my son was doing.
Your story (and mine) are the stories of so many in this program who found out what it meant in our Step 2, where it says "Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity", and Step 3 where we become willing to turn our lives and our will over to the God of our understanding.
It sounds so simple, yet I know that for most of us, we need to exhaust our options first. It was like that for me. Only then could I surrender willingly and without desire to take any of it back.
Thank you for this reminder today, it's a good time for me to remember how I got to that good place I am in today. And it's good to walk with you on this journey. It just keeps getting better and better each day
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: At the zoo
Posts: 244
(((((((Rica)))))))))))
Money, trees and presents are nothing if you don't have love. A purpose in life means a lot too. You have these, what more could you want?
Challenges and problems make one a stronger person, sometimes a much better person.
You are one strong beautiful woman and no one knows what the future will hold.
The one who does know will help us through it.
blue
Money, trees and presents are nothing if you don't have love. A purpose in life means a lot too. You have these, what more could you want?
Challenges and problems make one a stronger person, sometimes a much better person.
You are one strong beautiful woman and no one knows what the future will hold.
The one who does know will help us through it.
blue
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Rica)))
It took me a long time to get to where you are...to admit that I just couldn't do it any more, turn it over to HP and admit that, yes, it was a little scary, but at the same time I was hopeful.
My money situation, right now, is worse than it's ever been, but it's that way for a LOT of people. Today, though, I don't have toxic people in my life, and that is worth it's weight in gold.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
It took me a long time to get to where you are...to admit that I just couldn't do it any more, turn it over to HP and admit that, yes, it was a little scary, but at the same time I was hopeful.
My money situation, right now, is worse than it's ever been, but it's that way for a LOT of people. Today, though, I don't have toxic people in my life, and that is worth it's weight in gold.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
When i go through major life problems i have a tendancy to try to see what my HP may be trying to teach me by "allowing" me to have the experience. I truly feel that the reason HP felt I needed to go through this with my AS is because I have a tendancy to try to control everything and never ever ask for help. I think that he wanted me to get to a place that I had to ask for help and allow people to help me. Its a very hard lesson for a stubborn and independant person like me to learn - as an adult i can truly say i've never really needed anyone and only relied upon myself. I had to turn to my parents and they thanked me for allowing them to help me. Imagine that - they wanted their daughter to come to them and need them and they thanked me.
So I'm learing that i cant get through this life alone, I cant control every situation and people in my life want and need to help me. Its very humbling but also very comforting to know that i dont have to do it all alone and that i have people in my life who also want to feel needed by me. I think my HP wanted me to stop trying to do his job but he couldnt get me to understand until I was at the bottom and had no other way out then to say "help me."
So I'm learing that i cant get through this life alone, I cant control every situation and people in my life want and need to help me. Its very humbling but also very comforting to know that i dont have to do it all alone and that i have people in my life who also want to feel needed by me. I think my HP wanted me to stop trying to do his job but he couldnt get me to understand until I was at the bottom and had no other way out then to say "help me."
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: ontario, canada
Posts: 540
Hi Rica, glad you turned right. Not all the materials things in the world matter unless you have love and respect in a relationship. I truly believe the obstacles that we overcome in life is what moulds us. None of us really no what the future holds, but we do know life with an addict nothing changes. (((( hugs and prayers Rica))))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
:ghug
I am finding it is something I need to do every day. Letting go....turning it over. Carrying around the "weight of my world" just doesn't feel good anymore and it's healthier this way I think.
Thank you all for your replies. It does seem that we all have to get to this kind of place when we're ready.
And I'm very grateful to have the things I do.....health, my family, a job, and my SR family too!!!!
I have never looked back. Once I did that, and I still do that every morning...my life got so much better
Thank you all for your replies. It does seem that we all have to get to this kind of place when we're ready.
And I'm very grateful to have the things I do.....health, my family, a job, and my SR family too!!!!
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