Do I let his parents know about his problem
 

Hi all,

I need to know what you all think. Should I tell my ex's parents what is going on and maybe they can help him or should i just leave it alone and let them find out themselves. He only sees his parents approx 2 x a year so they would never know and I cannot speak to them as I do not speak french but i do have a friend who could translate the letter to french if I wrote them a letter.

I have threatened to tell his parents before but he said he would kill me if i did. He says he does not have a problem. His dad is also 75 years old and has had a leg amputated due to diabetes and he says his dad does not need to know and neither does his parents.

What do you think i should do?

I look forward to your responses.

Take care.
:Xmaselfc

First of all he is an X-although it may not have been what you want it is time to start taking care of you! Telling him or his parents is not going to do a thing-

My XAB's parents blamed me for all his outburts, his arrests, his drunk driving etc.....they too are in DENIAL and will be until YES they find out on their own. Just as I had to find out on my own what I was doing to destroy my own life.....

I wasted so much time trying to figure what I could do to help others, when I should have taken the energy and placed it on ME!

Hang in there it does get better-

What are you doing for yourself? :hug:

My thoughts are, the only person this will effect, is YOU.

Why bother?? You are just staying engaged with him, by 'telling' anyone. Let it go.....
as hard as it is..... just let it go.

It will rear it's ugly head all on it's own.

The only person you need to talk about - is you, and how you are doing, how you are copeing.....

I don't tell anyone anymore about my abf's addiction, It's not worth my breath....
I just talk here, to gain help for myself.

Best of luck to you,
Cessy

Rella.
You asked what i am doing for myself. I am starting to like myself, I am reading codependent no more...i love the book, i am posting on here and all of you have been great and amazing. I am starting to realize there is nothing I can do to help him but let him sink and hit rock bottom.

I have gone 24 hours without calling him, i know that does not seem like a long time but for me it is...I feel great...one day at a time...i am so proud of myself

YOU go girl :Xmaste- I have been there before!!!!!

24 hrs, can seem like an eternity- but keep it up, day 3 or 4 gets easier, if you don't make the mistakes I've made and get 'sucked back in'....

If I had this forum then, I prob. wouldn't have....

SOOOOOO KEEP THE GOOD WORK UP!!!
Love,
Cessy

Cessy,

Thanks so much for the encouragment...you are right it is hard but with the right friends, and all of you it is becoming easier and easier. You are all such a blessing to me and i thank all of you so much.

Merry xmas

a good friend told me it takes 28 days to break a habit... i am at 20 days in and cait wait til' i can look at the phone and not think of calling...((((( )))))):Xmaselfb

I have been in your situation before and to tell you the truth, I think it's best that you don't tell them

#1.Blood is thicker then water and his parents may not even believe you. Heck, it took my inlaws about a month before they would believe me and they knew of my AH's past drug problems.. Even if they did believe you, there is not a whole lot they can do about it... No one can force anyone else to get help.

#2. He will tell on his ownself sooner then later.... One can only hide drug abuse for so long... eventually it starts showing itself..

The only way I give out information now is if my mother in law asks me questions... I do tell her the straight up truth about what is going on because one of my boundaries is not to lie for my AH anymore. But I only tell when she asks..

Keep the focus on you and getting yourself the help and self nurture that you need...

Woo-Hoo on the first 24 hours. Your own recovery has started.

Letting go means letting go. Not sure what purpose it serves to inform ex's family of his addiction. It sounds a little like the rabbit in the pot, on the stove thingy. Know what I mean?

don't

Why are you still trying to fix your ex's problems?
If his dad is 75 years old and in ill-health what possible good could come from dragging them into this nightmare. He obviously cant help him and it would just make his last years even more difficult. If they do ever find out in their lifetime then it would be best if they found out on their own. there seems to be no benefit at all with burdening them with their son's problem.

Instead why not sit down and write out three problems in your own life that you would like to solve and go to work on those.

Barbara makes an excellent point, what would your motives be in telling his parents? What would be gained by that? Codies and helpfulness tend to lead to bad choices.

Keep reminding yourself you are an EX and need to focus on you not him and his issues. And wanting to reach out to his parents doesn’t go with EX status. You love him, his parents love him but none of you can love him sober.

Keep posting and talking with your friends, reading and looking out for you.

I tried this myself with his mom and recently with a co-worker. His mom always sticks up for him, tells me she does not smell anything (I have smelled weed smells, cat urine smells) on him ever and told me to let her know if I find out what it is...she also thinks the every now and then the neighbor behind their house burns what she calls "strawberry hickory wood" (is there such a thing?)" and it bothers her sinuses really badly .....I want so badly to tell her "no hon...its your son smoking meth in your basement" and your little sitting room is just above the fumes.

The co-worker tells me.."he is well liked and I dont see a problem but will be watching and offer help if I think he needs it".

So, its probably best like everyone else here says to just put the energy on taking care of yourself. I had to learn the hard way that blood is thicker than water and my abf has pretty much convinced his family I'm crazy, that he does not use and to just ignore most things I say.

Thanks for all your comments. I never did say I was going to tell his parents I just wanted to know what all of you thought I should do because i was thinking it was better i did not say anything but then I thought i should. I agree with all of you that I shouldn't. Today is 48 hours of no speaking...had a wonderful day at work today and i feel like i have lifted a hundred pounds off my shoulders.

Thanks all