Do I let him hear it???
 

just want to pick some brains here...
After I threw the boyfriend of my RAD out Dec 16th....he phoned me and left a long rambling message on my phone ....where he asked my GrandSon to pack up the playstation 3, he had given him last year...because that bitch of a grandmother turned off his mother's phone, and now he couldn't get calls at the homeless shelter, so my GS was to pack up the playstation so mr. loser could buy one!! Then on the same message, he proceeded to call me all kind of names, and berate me for about 1 1/2 min. This is the same man who sold the 1st playstation for drugs

My grandson is turning 14, and very hostile to me now cause I threw his "father" :GrossL:out. (not really his father, just a boyfriend) . Anyway, I've taped the conversation and just wonder if I should let him hear it. He's getting older now...and God knows...he sure saw and heard a lot when he was just 11. I've had custody since that cluster*$&% in 2006. I've been keeping him pretty protected, monitoring friends, TV, on and on. I'm just upset that he even sticks up for that loser!!! And he's been making snide comments to me since I threw the loser out! But do you think that would traumatize him further...he'd been thru a lot 2 years ago.

Like alot of us dealing with addicts we learn the art of tough love. I think that you will have to do the same with your grandson. He probably knows exactly what type of person the bf is but what purpose does it really serve in the end? He still is a child and its just gonna end up hurting him. I know you think he should hear the truth but really I think he already knows. And even if you did play it for him it probably would end up backfiring in your face.

I believe that you are very upset right now and you have a right to be. But I am not sure that letting your grandson listen to the message is the right thing to do now. Your grandson knows what is wrong with his mother and her boyfriend. Maybe he needs to stay in denial a bit right now as he needs it to protect his psychological state. Give it a few days and see what happens. I thought that my daughter was using about a month ago. I was so angry and was going to call up her new boyfriend's step mother and father and tell them about my daughter's addiction. After I simmered down a bit and realized that what I thought was using behavior really wasn't, I was glad that I waited. I would have just made things so much worse than they needed to be. That is just my opinion and you still can do what you want, but the fact that you are asking for suggestions shows that you really are not sure you are making the right decision. Actions taken in the heat of the moment are not always the best ones. Sending prayers that things work out for you and your grandson. It is such a tough place to be in. Hugs, Marle

I voted yes, but I would ask the grandson first. "Do you want to hear this message from your father? It will explain why I have done what I have done. But, it's up to you. It's a very ugly message and if you don't want to hear it, you don't have to." Maybe find a way to record it on to something else and GIVE it to him to go listen, so he's alone when he does it. Having someone there watching him for a reaction seems cruel to me. This would be a private moment for him, I believe.

If he says no, drop it. If you can record it somewhere to save for later, do. He may change his mind. But, I wouldn't make him listen. I would offer. I think he deserves to know the truth. When I was 14, I had many lies told to me about my alcoholic father and the pain of those lies stayed with me a lot longer than the pain of the truth.

But, again, 14 is old enough to make this decision, I think. He may say no and that will be that. I'd still save it for later if it ever comes up again (and it might.)

I'm probably in the minority here, but that's how I feel about it. Good luck with your decision. Hugs and peace!

ZW

Hi notsleepingwell,

You asked "Do I let him hear it?". In my opinion, no. I guess I believe that too many kids nowadays already have way too many issues to deal with than they need - especially if addiction and substance abuse have been in the picture.

Ultimately, you will make this decision, but before you do, I hope you consider your reasons for letting him listen to it. Do you want him to listen to it to prove what an a** the ex boyfriend is? Or would you do it to prove that you are are not deserving of the hostile treatment they have both given you?

I can understand where you are coming from. And for me, years ago, the answer was yes to both. I had tapes too. My son was younger than your grandson at the time, but I felt a need to SHOW him what a miserable, angry man his father was. But I didn't. I made sure my son was safe and I talked with him when his father did stupid and inconsiderate things. I listened -- which was hard at times. And you know what? He found out all on his own, without any help from me.

Hope things work out for you -- whatever you decide.

My first husband hit the road when my daughter was an infant. She expressed an interest in knowing him when she was 10. I found him for her (he was in prison - for child molestation of all things- you can't make this stuff up). they wrote to each other for a year. After than time, she said, "You know mom, he's kind of a jerk. I don't want to write to him any more. Charlie is my father now." charlie is my 2nd husband. I had not polluted her mind with any negative stuff about her real dad up to that point. she figured it out.

But if your grandson has a need to make his father into a hero, nothing you do will change that. Let it be.

If your grandson continues the hostilities, maybe sit down and outline your boundaries then let him know they were violated. If he wants and asks for proof then give it to him.

I always remember what they told us during family week at rehab, "wait for the question." It works well with the general rule that if kids are old enough to ask a question, they're old enough to hear the answer.

I am another "no" vote.

I do not think it will have the desired outcome and could easily have the opposite of the desired effect. The BF and your grandson are probably operating on the same cognitive level, that of a young teen, despite the differences in their age.

Not getting what you want, when you want it, regardless of the implications, is common at that age and regardless of age, when addiction is involved.

For the time being, it's probably easier to make you the scapegoat than face what's really going on.

I think if it was me I would explain the reason I asked him to leave if necessary, but not play the tape. I think I would want my grandson to know that treating me with disrespect (whether the ABF or the grandson) is not acceptable, but I don't think he'd need to hear the specific sordid details.

He's too young and wont understand. You said previously that this man is a father figure to your GS. So you will be putting him in between you and his dad which is unfair to do to a child. He will end up resenting you instead of the dad. It also shows him that that is how people talk to you which will reinforce that he can speak to you in the same manner. no good can come from this with a young kid. He may seem mature, may even be bigger than you in size but his mind is still that of a child and this will be very confusing to him. Instead of pulling yourself up in his eyes by putting this man down you should rise above all of them and show him how a mature respectful adult acts. Your bigger than this and it sounds like you may be the only one who can teach him how an adult should act.

Besides the fastest way to push a child to someone you dont want them to be around or act like is to bad talk them. I would just tell him that you understand he cares about this man and that is his right but you are having disagreements with him right now. Leave it at that - dont involve children in the business of adults.

Very well said, Winnie.

Hi notsleepingwell,
I also said no to this question. In my opinion, you have to take the high road, especially when dealing with kids. I'm in a similar situation to yours in a lot of ways. I have legal custody of my niece and her mother, my sister, has told her horrible things about the whole family over the years. While I'm perfectly willing to tell my niece MY version of events, contrary to her mother's, I will NOT retaliate by saying bad things about my sister. Sometimes I'm so angry at her that I want to give my niece an earful... but that's just not a good idea for developing the long term positive relationship I need to have with my niece. She is growing up fast and quickly starting to see the truth on her own. I can't push her to do that any faster than she is ready to... or else I risk damaging our relationship. I'd venture the same may be true for you and your grandson. Let it take time if it has to, I say, and don't sink to the level of someone you don't respect. All the best to you and your family.

(((NSW)))

My niece, Brit, is 15. Her dad is an A. We never bad-mouthed him in front of her, or told her of the things he did, unless she asked, and she has only recently begun to ask if things he's said are true.

She has found out, on her own, what kind of person he is. Her mom died, in a car wreck, when Brit was only 1. She has a lot of anger, and takes it out on my dad, stepmom and me, because we are "safe"..she knows we will love her, no matter what. I finally learned how to set boundaries with her (thanks to you all), on what type of behavior I will allow from her. That was after many, many screaming matches with her, that accomplished nothing.

I can't control the way she acts with my dad and stepmom, and it is their house. Honestly, I didn't think she'd even care when I detached from her because I was sick of her behavior (cussing everyone out, throwing tantrums). But apparently, she did care, and we have a really great relationship, now.

My feeling is your GS already knows what this man is like. He's at the age, where he's confused, angry, and doesn't know how to deal with all these feelings, and he's striking out at the one person he feels the safest with....you. It's not fair, but it's what we all do. I would go back to the boundaries, because I think kids need that...a lot. As much as they rebel against it, subconsciously, it makes them feel more grounded. Brit has told me there are times she really gets mad at me, but she knows that what I do, I do out of love.

I'm so sorry you are going through all of this.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Unfortunately...I jumped the gun and let him listen...we were on a 2 hour car ride....I had a looooong chat with him first....this man is not his father....and I'm afraid because he's been the prime male figure he'd think this is what fathers are!!!

So we had a looong chat...I gave him the option...asked if he wanted to hear....I wouldn't have played it if he said no...
but he said he did want to ....and I didn't let him hear the really bad one.....I did tell him....that I had registered the calls with the police...I also told him...there are consequences for all our actions....and if you don't want something used against you...don't do it!!! I told him...I wasn't sure if I was doing the right thing because he may end up living with this jerk....but....I told him....what he owes this man if he ends up back with him....is politeness, which is what anyone deserves if you live in their house.

I think you handled it well. I'm trying to teach Brit the same thing...there are consequences for our actions. She thinks she can rant and rave and throw tantrums and everyone is just supposed to accept it....NOT!!!

I'm glad your GS has you in his life!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

I'm not a fan of involving children in adult issues- they will have all the time in the world to deal with adult issues- when they are adults themselves.

It's easier to shower a child/teen with love, and give simple explanations - including that although they may not 'understand' what is transpiering- that you LOVE them, and will always do what is in their best interest.

Cessy

I say that your grandson needs to know what type person the boyfriend is.