Back and heartbroken
I'm HOME!!!!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Hot flash city
Posts: 573
Back and heartbroken
I'm sooo stupid. I read the damn book. Used to be on this forum all the time, so shoulda known better.
My daughter got outta rehab 1 year ago...she was soo skinny, down and out, so I let her and her boyfriend move in for 1 mth until they could get their s*#t together.
So they've been living with me, doin methadone, and I thought in recovery. On the 15th, the boyfriend and I got into a huge fight, and he called me every name in the book. He told me he had been miserable the whole year he'd been here. They were paying me $300/mth at first nothing for food....I drove them almost every day to the methadone clinic. So I told him to get the hell out.
Well, the fight was on...my daughter of course took the boyfriends side...even though I had been protecting her son from a tirade of his. She also called me every name in the book.
Sooo, he's been in the homeless shelters, he took my daughter's phone that I had bought and pay the bill on because she's not workin,...I know....but I had bought it originally because she was on the street and I wanted my grandson to be able to talk with his mom...after she had been missing all those mths.
Anyway...make a long story short...I stopped service today...and he called and left a looooong message on my phone....not threatening...again, just callin me names....and my daughter after hearing the messages...started yelling at me about how dare I disconnect her phone. Anyway...I'm here waiting for the police to call me back...just wanna get it on record.
Christmas is really gonna suck here. My grandson is turning 14...that lovely age when they're starting to talk back. And he is so sarcastic with me. My daughter just drips venom when she speaks to me.
I'm just beyond devastated. just soooo upset...I've cried for 3 days because of everything my daughter has said and done. And believe it or not...she's clean.... on methadone....and acts like this. Ohhhh, I thought I was doing such a great thing letting them live with me. My grandson got to be with his mom. My daughter was safe.....when I think of 2006 and all the praying that my daughter would come back to me....
I guess I just had to vent. As usual SR...thanks for being here.
My daughter got outta rehab 1 year ago...she was soo skinny, down and out, so I let her and her boyfriend move in for 1 mth until they could get their s*#t together.
So they've been living with me, doin methadone, and I thought in recovery. On the 15th, the boyfriend and I got into a huge fight, and he called me every name in the book. He told me he had been miserable the whole year he'd been here. They were paying me $300/mth at first nothing for food....I drove them almost every day to the methadone clinic. So I told him to get the hell out.
Well, the fight was on...my daughter of course took the boyfriends side...even though I had been protecting her son from a tirade of his. She also called me every name in the book.
Sooo, he's been in the homeless shelters, he took my daughter's phone that I had bought and pay the bill on because she's not workin,...I know....but I had bought it originally because she was on the street and I wanted my grandson to be able to talk with his mom...after she had been missing all those mths.
Anyway...make a long story short...I stopped service today...and he called and left a looooong message on my phone....not threatening...again, just callin me names....and my daughter after hearing the messages...started yelling at me about how dare I disconnect her phone. Anyway...I'm here waiting for the police to call me back...just wanna get it on record.
Christmas is really gonna suck here. My grandson is turning 14...that lovely age when they're starting to talk back. And he is so sarcastic with me. My daughter just drips venom when she speaks to me.
I'm just beyond devastated. just soooo upset...I've cried for 3 days because of everything my daughter has said and done. And believe it or not...she's clean.... on methadone....and acts like this. Ohhhh, I thought I was doing such a great thing letting them live with me. My grandson got to be with his mom. My daughter was safe.....when I think of 2006 and all the praying that my daughter would come back to me....
I guess I just had to vent. As usual SR...thanks for being here.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 64
Sorry to hear all that. I sounds like your daughter needs a lot more help than just the methadone.
Its so depressing that even when they get physically clean they still seem to lash out like children. Does the grandson have a good idea of what's really gone on with his mother?
That's a lot to handle at 14, but hopefully he's at least old enough to understand that his mother isn't well.
Its so depressing that even when they get physically clean they still seem to lash out like children. Does the grandson have a good idea of what's really gone on with his mother?
That's a lot to handle at 14, but hopefully he's at least old enough to understand that his mother isn't well.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
(((((NSW)))))
I'm so very sorry you are going through this my friend. It seems the holiday season can bring out both the best and the worst in people. I know that you know this isn't you, but I guess I need to say it because you are such a good person YOU don't deserve to be treated with such disrespect.
Unfortuantely there can be a big difference between not doing drugs and working a program of recovery. I've found when the people around me are acting in ways I find unacceptable, it is time for me to start checking my boundaries. When I stop accepting the unacceptable, eventually things change for the better.
My thoughts and prayers are with you. Hope that your daughter can drop her sense of entitlement and find gratitude for your love and support. And then that her example, once ther eis an attitude adjustment, benefits your grandson. Lots of hugs
I'm so very sorry you are going through this my friend. It seems the holiday season can bring out both the best and the worst in people. I know that you know this isn't you, but I guess I need to say it because you are such a good person YOU don't deserve to be treated with such disrespect.
Unfortuantely there can be a big difference between not doing drugs and working a program of recovery. I've found when the people around me are acting in ways I find unacceptable, it is time for me to start checking my boundaries. When I stop accepting the unacceptable, eventually things change for the better.
My thoughts and prayers are with you. Hope that your daughter can drop her sense of entitlement and find gratitude for your love and support. And then that her example, once ther eis an attitude adjustment, benefits your grandson. Lots of hugs
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((NSW))
I'm sorry you are going through this. Greet's right...being clean doesn't equal recovery. I was clean for a good while, but was still angry. I think my recovery began with learning how to be grateful, if that makes sense.
As far as your grandson, I think some of that is his age. My niece is 15, and there are days I want to duct tape her mouth and ship her off to a deserted island. She is totally convinced the word revolves around her. She, too, knows way more than most kids about addiction (her dad is an addict).
Good for you on what you did on the phone.
Big hugs and prayer to you, sweetie!
Amy
I'm sorry you are going through this. Greet's right...being clean doesn't equal recovery. I was clean for a good while, but was still angry. I think my recovery began with learning how to be grateful, if that makes sense.
As far as your grandson, I think some of that is his age. My niece is 15, and there are days I want to duct tape her mouth and ship her off to a deserted island. She is totally convinced the word revolves around her. She, too, knows way more than most kids about addiction (her dad is an addict).
Good for you on what you did on the phone.
Big hugs and prayer to you, sweetie!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Hackettstown, NJ
Posts: 692
I hear you, notsleeping!! I'm dealing with my own abusive AD and her nonsense- and also wonder why I bothered/bother with all those prayers, all that support, all that 'showing up' for her at the drop of a hat, all that love. Mine's using, but what's the difference really? Self-centered abuse is self-centered abuse any way you slice it, and I for one, am sick and tired of feeling like an chump. How about you? Let's both just please OURSELVES this Christmas!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
I am sorry that you are going through this again, but so happy to see you. I have found that everytime I do something for my daughter that she should be doing for herself, it always backfires. I start to build up resentments, thinking that she should be so grateful when in fact, she just continues to take and take. Our children should be grateful to us, but they don't have the same perspective, do they? Is your grandson in counseling? That may help him to let out some of his anger in a constructive way instead of on you. You both have had so much to deal with. Take some time for yourself. Let your daughter figure her own life out. In the end you will both be better for it. Sending prayers your way. Hugs, Marle
I'm HOME!!!!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Hot flash city
Posts: 573
You are absolutely right....she hasn't been working recovery at all, (of course, me neither), she's been doing the Hep C treatment which is like chemo....very sick, losing weight again, losing hair...
My grandson, is angry beyond words that I would kick his "father" out!!! (by the way...it's not his father). Sadly for my grandson, it's the only father he's known. On the message he left ....he told my grandson to get the playstation that he got for Christmas last year packed up, because I cut the phone off, he'd hafta sell it and my grandson could thank me for that! (Did I mention this is a 31 year old man). And by the way....this would be the 2nd playstation taken from my grandson, as the first was pawned to pay for drugs.
I'm just sooo hurt that my daughter would just turn around and lash out at me, when the fight actually started when I stepped in between the BF and my GS. The BF was berating him for getting fingerprints on one of the PS3 games. They have lived here for one year. In August,(after 9 mos of living here doing nothing) I had insisted the BF get a job or get out. He worked for 1 month, and after continually sleeping in and being late...(I'm talking 2 hours) sleeping in....he got fired. Wow...can't imagine what Be atches people are...how unfair.
You guys are sooo right in everything you've said...it's just a leetle scary now...and being a single mom...I've got sooo many considerations...I work shift work...I know when I'm at work...he'll be here....I had gotten rid of my babysitter when she moved back in cause they were re-establishing a relationship (my GS and AD), I'm afraid to go to work...I've changed the locks on the door cause of course he had a key, I'm afraid to go to sleep, I honestly think my daughter is sociopathic....after our big fight, she's watching TV...and calls....Mom...come here, you gotta see this on TV...(like we hadn't just had a big blow out)
I haven't slept in 3 days, feel like dog dirt...thanks for listening
My grandson, is angry beyond words that I would kick his "father" out!!! (by the way...it's not his father). Sadly for my grandson, it's the only father he's known. On the message he left ....he told my grandson to get the playstation that he got for Christmas last year packed up, because I cut the phone off, he'd hafta sell it and my grandson could thank me for that! (Did I mention this is a 31 year old man). And by the way....this would be the 2nd playstation taken from my grandson, as the first was pawned to pay for drugs.
I'm just sooo hurt that my daughter would just turn around and lash out at me, when the fight actually started when I stepped in between the BF and my GS. The BF was berating him for getting fingerprints on one of the PS3 games. They have lived here for one year. In August,(after 9 mos of living here doing nothing) I had insisted the BF get a job or get out. He worked for 1 month, and after continually sleeping in and being late...(I'm talking 2 hours) sleeping in....he got fired. Wow...can't imagine what Be atches people are...how unfair.
You guys are sooo right in everything you've said...it's just a leetle scary now...and being a single mom...I've got sooo many considerations...I work shift work...I know when I'm at work...he'll be here....I had gotten rid of my babysitter when she moved back in cause they were re-establishing a relationship (my GS and AD), I'm afraid to go to work...I've changed the locks on the door cause of course he had a key, I'm afraid to go to sleep, I honestly think my daughter is sociopathic....after our big fight, she's watching TV...and calls....Mom...come here, you gotta see this on TV...(like we hadn't just had a big blow out)
I haven't slept in 3 days, feel like dog dirt...thanks for listening
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
((((((notsleepingwell)))))
Are there Alanon meetings in your area that you can go to? I think you will find a lot of support and relief for yourself if you start attending those.
There is not a lot you can do about your daughter of her BF... Even though they are grown adults they are acting like rebelious teenagers and honestly thats not to uncommon for addicts.
As much as you love your daughter and worry about her sobriety if she leaves your home, you should probably worry about the health and sanity of yourself and your grandson first.
You might not can help her at this point but you can improve your situation by helping yourself and setting some healthy boundaries.. Can you get a restraining order on the bf so that he cannot come within so many feet of your home? Can you get your Grandson into some after school activities or even in the big brother, big sister program so that he is not around the bf and daughter so much?
notsleepingwell, you need to take back control over your home and what goes on there when you are there and when you are not there.... IF your Daughter cannot abide by your rules then it should be time for her to find another place to live.. If she wants to stay clean, she will find a way to stay clean and if she wants to go back to using, well she will do that too.. YOu deserve to live in a home that is peaceful and a joy to come home to. Not one of threats, chaos and insanity..
Are there Alanon meetings in your area that you can go to? I think you will find a lot of support and relief for yourself if you start attending those.
There is not a lot you can do about your daughter of her BF... Even though they are grown adults they are acting like rebelious teenagers and honestly thats not to uncommon for addicts.
As much as you love your daughter and worry about her sobriety if she leaves your home, you should probably worry about the health and sanity of yourself and your grandson first.
You might not can help her at this point but you can improve your situation by helping yourself and setting some healthy boundaries.. Can you get a restraining order on the bf so that he cannot come within so many feet of your home? Can you get your Grandson into some after school activities or even in the big brother, big sister program so that he is not around the bf and daughter so much?
notsleepingwell, you need to take back control over your home and what goes on there when you are there and when you are not there.... IF your Daughter cannot abide by your rules then it should be time for her to find another place to live.. If she wants to stay clean, she will find a way to stay clean and if she wants to go back to using, well she will do that too.. YOu deserve to live in a home that is peaceful and a joy to come home to. Not one of threats, chaos and insanity..
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
notsleepingwell,
I'm sending big hugs and prayers your way.
Funny, how when we think what we're doing is truly helping, we end up feeling like we were run over by a steam roller.
Take back your life, sweetie, and BE safe, I worry about you.
I'm sending big hugs and prayers your way.
Funny, how when we think what we're doing is truly helping, we end up feeling like we were run over by a steam roller.
Take back your life, sweetie, and BE safe, I worry about you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
Does your grandson go to alateen or have any other support? He may need some help recognizing the manipulation and effects that addicts have on us. He is at a fragile age and through his parents example seems to have a lack of respect - he might need a reality check to see that. A child can idolize their parents - they want to think their parents are good and right and when they start to see they arent it can be very difficult to deal with. Some will be hurt and withdrawn and others may follow the road that the parents took. What I've noticed is that it seems like people either make the same mistakes as their parents or they become the polar opposite. You can see two kids of alcoholics - one never touches alcohol becuase they hate how it affected their life and the other is an alcoholic because that's what they learned. He needs someone to help him see that the pain he is feeling is becuase of the addicts behavior and not yours. He's 14 and I know that age well - its hard and you need to do something now before he becomes just like them.
I'm HOME!!!!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Hot flash city
Posts: 573
It's sooo comforting coming back and seeing all my old friends. And you are all being soooo nice, not saying....see, you shouldn't have let them live with you!
I've started my GS in the teen youth group at our church and have already mentioned the counselor to him. I had one for him originally, but it didn't work as he wouldn't talk to him at all. He told me unequivocally that he doesn't want to talk to anyone outside of the family. But I'm still considering it....
It scares me to death, cause he is soooo angry at me....tell me what you think
The BF called and left a very abusive message on the phone, about the playstation and calling me a lot of names. He didn't actually threaten me, but was very abusive. Do you think I should let my grandson listen to it so he can hear what a jerk his "so called father" is?? or do you think it would be toooo traumatic. Right now, he thinks this whole thing is all my fault and that the BF is the injured party in this?!
P.S. I had looked into alateen when I first moved back to take custody of my GS, and in this area they don't have one
I've started my GS in the teen youth group at our church and have already mentioned the counselor to him. I had one for him originally, but it didn't work as he wouldn't talk to him at all. He told me unequivocally that he doesn't want to talk to anyone outside of the family. But I'm still considering it....
It scares me to death, cause he is soooo angry at me....tell me what you think
The BF called and left a very abusive message on the phone, about the playstation and calling me a lot of names. He didn't actually threaten me, but was very abusive. Do you think I should let my grandson listen to it so he can hear what a jerk his "so called father" is?? or do you think it would be toooo traumatic. Right now, he thinks this whole thing is all my fault and that the BF is the injured party in this?!
P.S. I had looked into alateen when I first moved back to take custody of my GS, and in this area they don't have one
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
That's a hard decision whether to let him hear the messages, but he IS 14...and hiding his "fathers" behavior is not good I would think.
I'm not sure...maybe others will say what their opinion is.
I'm not sure...maybe others will say what their opinion is.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: wisconsin
Posts: 123
i would have talk with him first and expalin that you have been trying to help them but they keep disrespecting you..i would let him hear the message, and its up to him after that how he plans on taking in that info..i would get him in some groups with oother kids who are going through the same thing.. 14 is such a tough stage..they are selfcentered and the world evolves around them..lol i know i have raised 4 of them..you gotta love em though
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Originally Posted by notsleepingwell 
It's sooo comforting coming back and seeing all my old friends. And you are all being soooo nice, not saying....see, you shouldn't have let them live with you!
(
(
Thats great that you have your GS in a church youth group.. maybe there are some positive male role models in that group that he will be able to look up and reach out to..
Please put the welfare, sanity and happiness of you and your Grandson first...
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Notsleeping,
Sorry for the mess you are in, but glad to see you back.
Maybe go back to Step 1, you are powerless other them and their lives, but you are not powerless over your life. So what step could you take today, even a baby step, that could help improve your life? Maybe think about some boundaries you could set? Have you found meetings for you? You have to take healthy care of you, ya know? Meetings saved my life. The support is like a live SR group.
Just keep coming back and posting and reading. You'll get back in the groove. And don't beat yourself up. What's done is done. What I have to reminding myself of (nearly everyday) is that I have to let that stuff go, and concentrate on this one day and how I can make it better.
Keeping you in my prayers, asking for strength and discernment for you.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
Sorry for the mess you are in, but glad to see you back.
Maybe go back to Step 1, you are powerless other them and their lives, but you are not powerless over your life. So what step could you take today, even a baby step, that could help improve your life? Maybe think about some boundaries you could set? Have you found meetings for you? You have to take healthy care of you, ya know? Meetings saved my life. The support is like a live SR group.
Just keep coming back and posting and reading. You'll get back in the groove. And don't beat yourself up. What's done is done. What I have to reminding myself of (nearly everyday) is that I have to let that stuff go, and concentrate on this one day and how I can make it better.
Keeping you in my prayers, asking for strength and discernment for you.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I'm glad to see you too, even if it's not your best time right now. Besides, I haven't had a chance to get out my steel toed bunny slippers in a long time...all nudging is done with love of course 
The first time I went to live theatre, I got front row tickets and throughout the play, when the actors would shout their lines...the spit would fly out of their mouth and land on us. No wonder nobody wanted those seats.
Same thing happens in life, no matter how much we love someone or want to be part of their lives, if we sit in the front row, we get covered in their "stuff"
Notsleepingwell, sweetie, go back and read your posts here, and see how much of your upset is because "he said" and "she said" and the boy said...I want to hear what YOU say. These are either sick people or a boy who knows nothing of life except what he sees and hears. Because they say it, doesn't make it so, and you have given more than most would to try to help these people.
It isn't going to be easy to take back your life, but you can do it, you know the drill and we're all walking with you. Time to find some meetings and get even more support for you and stick around here, I promise the bunny slippers will be put away for the Christmas season.
You get to say what you put up with and don't put up with in your life and home. You get to say who can come and who cannot. You get to set the boundaries for you and rules for your home and those who don't respect this and treat you like the wonderful person you are, can just go find another place to live....where you will love them just as much at a distance.
I'm getting longwinded here, but I feel protective enough to send the Codie Bus if you need us, and we'll all just move in for a while and help you take back your life. After all, what are friends for?
The first time I went to live theatre, I got front row tickets and throughout the play, when the actors would shout their lines...the spit would fly out of their mouth and land on us. No wonder nobody wanted those seats.
Same thing happens in life, no matter how much we love someone or want to be part of their lives, if we sit in the front row, we get covered in their "stuff"
Notsleepingwell, sweetie, go back and read your posts here, and see how much of your upset is because "he said" and "she said" and the boy said...I want to hear what YOU say. These are either sick people or a boy who knows nothing of life except what he sees and hears. Because they say it, doesn't make it so, and you have given more than most would to try to help these people.
It isn't going to be easy to take back your life, but you can do it, you know the drill and we're all walking with you. Time to find some meetings and get even more support for you and stick around here, I promise the bunny slippers will be put away for the Christmas season.
You get to say what you put up with and don't put up with in your life and home. You get to say who can come and who cannot. You get to set the boundaries for you and rules for your home and those who don't respect this and treat you like the wonderful person you are, can just go find another place to live....where you will love them just as much at a distance.
I'm getting longwinded here, but I feel protective enough to send the Codie Bus if you need us, and we'll all just move in for a while and help you take back your life. After all, what are friends for?
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi NSW,
Wow...I'm so sorry that you are having to go through all of this! My BF's AS is behaving pretty abusively right now, too. You do not deserve the accusations that are SO not true, and you don't have to listen to it. It is really painful to listen to someone you love so dearly call you horrible names and accuse you of so many dreadful things. It is so hard to separate the disease from the person. Please take care of yourself!
Hugs and prayers.....HG
Wow...I'm so sorry that you are having to go through all of this! My BF's AS is behaving pretty abusively right now, too. You do not deserve the accusations that are SO not true, and you don't have to listen to it. It is really painful to listen to someone you love so dearly call you horrible names and accuse you of so many dreadful things. It is so hard to separate the disease from the person. Please take care of yourself!
Hugs and prayers.....HG
I'm HOME!!!!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Hot flash city
Posts: 573
OMG....allllllll my old friends...it's like coming home after being away for a long time. Thank you guys...
Ann...I'm bending over for the bunny slipper kick...boy I need it!! My daughter is very sick with the flu right now, and I was driving her to the methadone clinic cause it was -15 and my friend called and told me to stop the car, get out, put my head under the tire and put the car in drive....lol. What are friends for after all...lol.
Anyway, glad to see you all, thanks for being here, also liked the advice about the spit in the front row....did you hit the nail on the head.
My GS and I were driving to a wedding 2 hours away, and I had a long talk with him, ended up letting him hear the tape....and then we had a long talk about what constitutes being a father...cause I told him...I did not want him to be the kind of father this Jerk is!!
at the end of the 1 hour discussion...he said...yeah...but he is a lotta fun....OY VAY!! Anyway, am giving it time to sink in....
Love you guys...and hope y'all have a wonderful Christmas
P.S. I am powerless, I am powerless, I am powerless, I am powerless
P.P. S. The other thing that comes to mind is that old saying...Be Careful what you wish for....you might get it....
I was soooo desperate to have my daughter back in my house...where I could keep her safe...talk about biting the hand that feeds you.
Ann...I'm bending over for the bunny slipper kick...boy I need it!! My daughter is very sick with the flu right now, and I was driving her to the methadone clinic cause it was -15 and my friend called and told me to stop the car, get out, put my head under the tire and put the car in drive....lol. What are friends for after all...lol.
Anyway, glad to see you all, thanks for being here, also liked the advice about the spit in the front row....did you hit the nail on the head.
My GS and I were driving to a wedding 2 hours away, and I had a long talk with him, ended up letting him hear the tape....and then we had a long talk about what constitutes being a father...cause I told him...I did not want him to be the kind of father this Jerk is!!
at the end of the 1 hour discussion...he said...yeah...but he is a lotta fun....OY VAY!! Anyway, am giving it time to sink in....
Love you guys...and hope y'all have a wonderful Christmas
P.S. I am powerless, I am powerless, I am powerless, I am powerless
P.P. S. The other thing that comes to mind is that old saying...Be Careful what you wish for....you might get it....
I was soooo desperate to have my daughter back in my house...where I could keep her safe...talk about biting the hand that feeds you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
My daughter did basically the same thing after we spent $12,000 helping her with rehab, halfway house, IOP, driving 600 miles every weekend for 3 months, etc. She decided that she could live at home, drink, and abuse us. We told her to leave. She found a nice, non-addict, codie boyfriend and moved out. She is struggling to pay bills, but she is finding a way. The alcohol does not look so inviting when she has to make a choice between it and keeping a roof over her head. Maybe it is time your daughter took back control of her own life. I know that for me it is so much nicer not to have her under my roof. I still see her most days for a short time and that is enough for me. Hugs, Marle
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