ghost99

I was thinking about a recent post on why it's hard to "detach" and it's really at the heart of what it means to be codependent.

This is what I have learned slowly after many years living with an addict.

In simplest terms when a person is addicted, your "role" to them is to make it possible for them to continue their addiction. That is your role and that is your purpose. When you are playing that "role", you are "rewarded".

Being co-dependent means being afraid to stop playing that "role" anymore because of fear of rejection and wanting things to be good. We know that when we quit playing that "role" our addicted loved one does not need us anymore and facing that fact can be scary.

Alot of times, a codependent constantly evaluates their own behavior based on guilt (what have I done in the past/present that has caused this problem etc). However, your addicted loved one, really could care less about your past/present transgressions unless using them to feed their addiction. The only thing they really care about under their addiction is how your present/future behavior allows them to continue.

Troubledone

amen... well said

SerenityGirl

I believe the reason I have become co-dependent is because of my need to be needed. That has been where I have got my self-worth. As long as someone needs me I am ok.

Laden101

Serenity,I agree 100%. I know that I am not co-dependent due to being in a relationship with an alcoholic. I am reading Co-Dependent No More and I have started to realize that I have been co-dependent pretty much my entire life. Yes, being with an alcoholic does not help the situation, but I am know aware of what co-dependency is and what I have to do to change it, to change me.

winnie12

Have you been spying on me Ghost? goodness sometimes someone posts something that describes me so perfectly. When I read it - I can see it more clearly. Thank you very much for this post.

sojourner

wow, what insight. and it brings to the forefront the fact that we are nothing to the hijacked brain except that - helps me to know that my stance with AS is the correct one. My favorite movie on this subject is still the one where Michael Keaton plays a cocaine addict and Morgan Freeman is the counselor at the drug rehab... what is the name of that?

Spiritual Seeker

Michael Keaton movie 1988 "Clean and Sober"

You got it right about the function of anyone trying to have a relationship with an addict.

jerect

Great Post....

I used to try to blame my codependency on my AH... almost like the way my AH tries to blame all of his problems on other people... scary how the disease of addiction and the disease of codependency are so similar..

I now know that I'm NOT codependent because of my addict... I met, fell in love with and married my addict because I AM codependent...

cassandra2

Thank you for this post. The reward I would get was his attention (something I had never lacked before the addiction). I never had to wonder what he was thinking before the addiction. But then when this whole roller coaster began I would feel bad because he'd rather spend time with the tv instead of me. So when he needed me to do something I was right there filling that role because now he NEEDED me.

Now that I have quit playing the "role" it is scary. Its like I dont know how to act. Or I question if I am doing the right thing because it feels like I am going against the grain. I have to learn the new habit of not needing to feel needed.