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A sense of entitlement

Old 12-16-2008, 04:10 PM
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A sense of entitlement

What I'm dealing with:

My ex is still at my house, sleeping in his son's bedroom. He got out of jail nearly 2 weeks ago. He came over to see his son and he never left. He's not working or making any attempts to find a job. I was trying to be kind and let him stay through his next court date (Dec. 29th) but heís making it really difficult. I thought he might be able to pitch in and help with a few around the house projects I have Ė like caulking the bathrooms Ė but heís really not into it. Twice now, heís gone out at night, and not come back til the next day.

Heís not using drugs (or so he says, and he doesnít seem hungover when he gets back) but itís very disturbing to my son who gets very upset every time his daddy leaves because he is worried that he will never come back. It also really annoys me because I am a fulltime parent and I have yet to catch a break or get an evening out even though his father has come to stay.

At first my son was very concerned everytime his father left the house. He would cry because he didn't think daddy was coming back. So I started telling him that Daddy comes and goes and Daddy is looking for his own house. And his daddy would love him no matter where he lived. And that we would go visit him when he did find his own house. That seems to have quieted his fears a little. And I also think that my son may be catching on to his fathers ways - realizing that his father is totally unreliable. Because , ysterday my son surprised me on the way home from work. He asked if his father would be at home. And then he said "I know momma, he comes and goes."

His father is pretty much a playmate to his son and that's all. I've been very sick so it was helpful to have someone there to entertain my child, but now having him in my house is really starting to annoy me. He lays on the couch and does nothing. He has no initiative. He has this attitude of entitlement and when I ask him what his plans are or I express my frustration to him, he just acts like Iím being a bitch and tells me heíll find somewhere else to stay. But thatís about it. He hasn't actually made a permanent move to find somewhere else to stay. He just comes and goes when he wants and acts like Iím being a nasty beyatch when I ask him to help out or if heís going to be around when I get home from work.

He has been hanging with his old "druggie" friends. He says they aren't using anymore. He told his mother that he had to re-acquaint himself with his old friends because I wouldn't let him stay us and he had to find somewhere to live. His mother called and asked me not to argue with him. She's afraid he will go out and use drugs and not come home for a visit after Christmas.

Anyway, sorry to post so long. I need to get this out so I can get a grip and make a move. It's easier to set boundaries and make an action plan when I see how ridiculous the situation looks on paper.

ERGH!
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Old 12-16-2008, 04:19 PM
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Please cut this guy loose. Your son needs a safe, healthy home. Doesn't sound like your ex really cares about his son or his influence. YOU NEED TO CARE. Too many little ones are sacrificed at the alter of "maybe it will be better..". You're priority is your child. You are in my prayers.:codiepolice
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Old 12-16-2008, 05:00 PM
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Kitty, I agree, time for him to GO. This is NOT beneficial to your son.

If his mom is 'so concerned' why he can stay with her, lol You know that nothing you do or don't do will make him use or keep him from using.

Sounds to me like he is 'avoiding' doing anything. Looks like one more time you will have to be the one to put a 'time limit' on him.

What he is doing is not conducive to peace and serenity for you or your son.

I am so sorry you are experiencing this especially at this time of year. Prayers going out to you and your son from New Mexico.

You are strong and I know you will get through this with grace and dignity as you recovery is shining!

Love and hugs,
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Old 12-16-2008, 05:16 PM
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ahhh, the couch.... is that where all of our addicts reside while we are being beatches???
lol.
Little sarcastic humor.....

I'm sorry you are going through this, I know it must be very hard trying to raise two children rather than 1.

(again a little sarcastic humor)

Seems like I get a bit of that in me when I'm at my witts end. I call my addict my overgrown adolecent living in my home.

I'm in the process of moving him out (without him knowing). I pretend to be indifferent most of the time, but I do care. I care about my well being and how that affects my kids.

A miserable mom, makes for a miserable kid.

Remember that and put you and your son above his needs.

He is of no use to either of you in this condition- I know it is the holiday season - so this will be a rough couple weeks, do what you need to keep your home in tac for your son.

Perhaps if you continue to put a little sarcasm into it like I do- it will help you move on.

Once you find the place in your heart and mind, telling yourself you are done with this exsistance (and that is what living like that is like) you can put together your plan on how to have him exit your world.

It isn't going to get any better...... we all know that. Is that what you want?


I pray that you find peace and contentment through this and the holidays.........it couldn't have come at a worse time eah??

Take care,
Love,
Cessy
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Old 12-16-2008, 05:42 PM
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I wish there were some words that I could say that helped me as much as your words kitty but hey I just posted how I was being sucked back in by the ex.....

I can relate to the thing with his mother. My ex's mother called to brag about going to his family night at the treatment center....

You and your son are in my prayers. I pray that we all may have strength during this time.
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Old 12-16-2008, 07:39 PM
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Just sending hugs and prayers your way for a more peaceful holiday season. And a special prayer for your little one. Hugs, Marle
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Old 12-16-2008, 08:14 PM
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Ah yes, I know that one well, from my now deceased EXAH, who when he got back out of the penitentiary...for the 3rd time...wasn't using...oh, and the old friends (aka cellies from the pen) weren't using anymore either.

What a fool I was, bought it hook, line, and sinker, and could not wait to marry that man, and I promptly did.

Ugh.
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Old 12-16-2008, 08:50 PM
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You posted this back when and it made a difference for me:

These are my boundaries. Someone gave them to me to use. Now I will pass them on to you. Please use them.

**********************************************

I will not allow anyone to physically or verbally abuse me.


I will not knowingly believe or support lies.


I will not allow chemical abuse in my home.


I will not allow criminal behavior in my home.


I will not rescue people from the consequences of their chemical abuse or their irresponsible behavior.


I will not finance a personís alcoholism, addiction or other irresponsible behavior.


I will not lie to protect you or me from your alcoholism, addiction, compulsions, and obsessions.


I will not use my home as a detoxification center for recovering addicts.


If you want to act crazy, thatís your business, but you canít do it in front of me. Either you will leave or I will walk away.


You can spoil your fun, your day, your life Ė thatís your business. But I wonít let you spoil my fun, my day, or my life.


I will set a special boundary if I feel itís necessary to a particular relationship.


I will set up boundaries, and in doing so, I will make sure they are my own boundaries.
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Old 12-17-2008, 01:57 AM
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(((Kitty)))

I hope that by reading what you have written, you will realize that nothing changes if nothing changes. I agree with Anvil...you ARE much stronger than you give yourself credit for, and you HAVE done an awesome job with Andrew. Don't let D drag you back into his chaotic life.

I'm sure you can figure out a way to make it where it's not so comfortable for him to stay there...whether it's sarcasm (okay, so I LIKE sarcasm), being a b**ch, or just telling him he needs to go. Yes, I know it will hurt Andrew, but he's got a terrific mom and he will be okay...D is going to leave anyway...we know this. Heck, I think even Andrew knows it.

You know what to do...hugs and prayers that you can do it.

Amy
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Old 12-17-2008, 07:34 AM
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If ex is staying out all night, hanging around druggie friends, doing nothing, and causing son more seperation anxiety every time he leaves, doesn't come home etc... It would probably be best to get the ex out of there as quick as possible, when son isn't there. Let him come and visit son.

You have come to far to let him set you back, and the boundaries outtolunch outlined can be a great start. You don't need to be made to feel like a [email protected] in your own home. You don't need to feel annoyed at his irresponsiblities in your own home. He's not your problem, and his problems cannot become your problems. Let him go before he completely drags you down.

Kitty, This is a hard thing and I only hope the ex doesn't give you any problems leaving.

His mother called and asked me not to argue with him. She's afraid he will go out and use drugs and not come home for a visit after Christmas.
Again, not your problem weather he shows up for a visit after Christmas to moms or not, and if he uses or has used already it's not your fault.

Hoping for the best,
NH7
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Old 12-17-2008, 08:18 AM
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I feel for you really i do. He is being lazy and having no consideration for you or your child. He said all his druggie friends he is hanging out with are no longer using? I would have a hard time believing that, but that's just me.

I send you my prayers and best wishes in this situation.
~Limiya~
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Old 12-17-2008, 09:28 AM
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The in and out thing is really confusing to children and its too difficult to explain to a small child. He needs to be there or gone. Is he at all open to talking about what is best for your son? Your son will not understand if you make the decision for him to go but your the mom and have to do what is best long term for your son. I wouldnt try to explain too much to a small child because they cant comprehend and i agree that nothing should be done in front of him.

A few years ago my son and I watch the movie Riding in Cars With Goys. In it the dad is an addict. When the son grew up he met his dad. His dad said the best thing he ever did in his life was to get out of his son's life. That part of the movie was extremely emotional for my son and I and really helped me to explain to him why his dad was gone. I know that your son is not old enough to understand that but have faith that in time he will. My son still says that that is our movie.

Sometimes having one good parent is better than having two when there is such confusion and pain.
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Old 12-17-2008, 09:49 AM
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(((HUGS))) Kitty. You're a good person and a good parent. And remember, nothing you can say or do is gonna make a difference to your ex. I say this from experience with my AH. No matter what I say or do, he's always gonna find a "reason" to leave or use. Whether I'm too nice, or a beitch, or look at him funny. So, don't accept any blame for his actions. He makes his own choices. He has painted his own picture. You had no control over that. Here's hoping he leaves soon, so peace and serenity can return to your home.
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Old 12-17-2008, 09:50 AM
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Kitty,

I've done the same thing you are doing now with my exah. I did it several times, as a matter of fact. Each time, I only intended his stay to be temporary...I wanted to help him get back on his feet...so that he could be a better father to our son...

For every inch I gave, he took a mile. Before I even realized what was happening, my exah would be all settled in nicely...laying on the couch...eating the food I purchased...turning up the thermostat...and generally just mooching off my kindness without a care in the world.

When I approached the subject of him moving out, he would throw a bunch of promises in my direction...mixed in with a sob story about how hard his life is...These promises and sob stories, combined with the fact that I wanted so desperately for my son to have a dad in his life, caused me to put up with absolutely unacceptable behavior.

My best advice...give your ex a 'drop dead date'. Tell him he needs to make other arrangements and tell him also that if he doesn't, that you will drop him off at the nearest homeless shelter. I did this...and when the day came and he still claimed not to have a place to go, I told him that I would drop him off at the center and suddenly, miraculously, he found a place to go...but none ot his happened until he saw that I was dead serious about it.

The addict will take the smallest shred of compassion and kindness and work it to their advantage without blinking an eye. You need to get serious with him and be prepared to carry thru on your ultimatum if you really and truly want him out of your home. If there is even the slightest bit of hestitation in your voice, he will sense it and exploit it for all its worth.

As for your son...I did alot of what I did for my son...but looking back, I know I didn't do him any favors in the long run. My son was 5 when I left his dad and 5 was a really tough age to try and explain things but I just told him that his daddy and I loved him but that we had to be apart for a while. Winnie is right...kids need one healthy, stable, dependable and loving parent. It would be nice if they could have two but we both know that isn't possible when one of them is an addict without recovery.

Sending support and understanding from someone who's been there...
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Old 12-17-2008, 10:15 AM
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Hey. So last night I got home to a note that said "going to find a place to live." This was at 6pm at night!! Well, I wasn't aware they showed apartments that late but whatever...

Anyway. I told my son, daddy was gone to find a place to live and when he found one we would go visit him. He seemed to accept that.

This morning I locked up the house tight. I live on an upper floor of a security building (a precaution I took when I broke up with him years ago) and he won't be able to come and go at will anymore.

I appreciate the reposting of my boundaries! I found a couple that fit this situation so I don't even need to come up with anything new.

I will not knowingly believe or support lies.

and

I will set a special boundary if I feel it’s necessary to a particular relationship.

I'm also going easy on myself over my codenpendent relapse. OF COURSE I want to help him. I'm a nice person. I want to help EVERYONE! I want life to be happy and easy for my son. I want my son to have a father. However. I can't fix his father. I can't make him better. If I could have, It would have worked years ago. I must let him go so he can find his way. That is the only thing that can save him.

Ya know that old saying?

This is gonna hurt me a lot worse than it hurts you....

Well I think it carries a lot of weight in this situation. I'm more challenged by this situation than he is. It's not like he's making changes in his lifestyle to make things better for me and my son. Obviously he has other places to stay. And obviously those places are more appropriate for the lifestyle he is chosing to live at this time. He's getting what he wants! The freedom to come and go as he pleases and do whatever he wants in life with out having to be responsiblie for anything in his life.

As far as his family goes, I'm going to be honest and deal with the phone calls as they come. But I can't fix their son. I can't force a 37 year old man to act responsibly to his mom anymore than I can to his son.

It's out of my hands.

Thanks everyone.

I'll keep you posted.
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Old 12-17-2008, 10:16 AM
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Originally Posted by outonalimb View Post

My best advice...give your ex a 'drop dead date'. Tell him he needs to make other arrangements and tell him also that if he doesn't, that you will drop him off at the nearest homeless shelter. I did this...and when the day came and he still claimed not to have a place to go, I told him that I would drop him off at the center and suddenly, miraculously, he found a place to go...but none ot his happened until he saw that I was dead serious about it.
I really like the genuineness of a not too distant drop dead date. No ultimatums. No hostilities. No BS.
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Old 12-17-2008, 02:47 PM
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My only other suggestion at this point is if in the future he wants to see your son, I would make arrangements at a neutral place like a McDonald's (I don't know what you have close by in your area), and not in your home. I would not allow him to set foot in your place again.

Just remember how this last 'visit' ended up, okay? :ghug
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