I am hurt because.......how to put it in perspective??
 

Friends,
I guess my feelings are on my shoulders. I need some help.
My soon to be former daughter-in-law sent a Christmas card photo of my only grandchild to everyone in my immediate family EXCEPT me. No, the mail isn't running late. It was done on purpose. I am aware that she does not like me. It is a long, long story but suffice it to say I do not think there will ever be any kind of reconciliation. How do I get over feeling hurt? Don't you think it is a little cold not to send a grandparent a Christmas photo card? Or am I being too sensitive?

Also my son who is now a year clean and will start a good job on Jan. 3 is coming home for two days, Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. He resides in a halfway house. He called to ask if he could share in Christmas Day (opening presents)with their little boy. She told him since he (my son) had been gone the past two Christmases (he was in rehab) that she and the child had their own "tradition" and that "maybe" he could see him "sometime" on Christmas Day. She'd see. Quote unquote. Their divorce is pending so there is no specific visitation spelled out. She did let him see him Thanksgiving for one hour at the McDonald's play area. That in itself broke my heart. And she is living in a home of which we own half of the home and she wouldn't even let my son come to that home to see his child. He had to go to Mc Donald's. I was so hurt for him.

Regarding my son's new job...he will have excellent insurance, medical ins. He called her and asked if he could put the child on the policy as it is better coverage than the medicaid he is on now. Do you know she told my son NO?
What kind of mom would do that? I told my son to call his lawyer, tell him he offered and to document that. I hope that isn't outside of my hula-hoop but she might conviently "forget" he offered it to her and besides that he is trying to do the right thing and she isn't thinking of the best coverage for the child.

So are there any thoughts or opinions out there? I have also been told via the grapevine that I will not see my grandson Christmas either. I am just very sad. Addiction has changed so many lives. I am just feeling it very strongly today.
Thanks for letting me just get it out.
Dixied

((((((dixied))))))

I'm so sorry for your pain...

You have that right to be hurt because your DIL is being very selfish and immature about the visiting arrangements for your grandson.. I'm betting she is a very angry and bitter person who probably should be working her own recovery program but is not...

I don't know what advice to give you because I dont have any kids but your son should document everything with his lawyers so that hopefully the judge will give him the rights to his child that he deserves... There are grandparents rights too you know... check into them and see what rights you have for visitation with your grandson..

I'm so sorry about the card... in the long run the only person your DIL is hurting is herself and of course her little boy...

She is angry. the medicaid may be because of the hassle of reapplying if your son should loose the insurance. I didn't put my grandson on mine for the same reason.

She needs prayer and help of her own. I too feel for your son, but mostly for you. What she did, IMO, is wrong and down right nasty!

glad to hear from ya
susan

I have to agree with Anvilhead. It's easy to forget, especially in the midst of a not so nice divorce, which most are, that the soon to be ex-spouse has also been affected by the disease.

I recently felt caught in the middle of things in regards to my 13 year old granddaughter. Her stepmother, whom I care for dearly, had come to me for some emotional support, and then a few days later I get a phone call from my 30 year old AD trying to twist things around, and I completely stepped out of it.

I'm not the parent of that 13 year old girl, nor will I get caught up in the parenting issues.

As far as what you've heard via the grapevine? I've found that for me it works best to live in the moment, and not get caught up in crap circulating via rumor or people who think they are looking out for me by telling me 'things'. I don't need to borrow trouble that isn't even here yet.

As a grandmother myself and having experienced a lot of pain in seeing what my grandchildren have been through over the years, I have learned to focus on loving the living stuffing out of them on the occasions that I do see/have them, and praying for them when I don't! :)

I guess I can add this not that it makes any difference but it Her family is not aware of this. My son has taken the high road on this issue as he said his son deserved to have "one parent" with a good name left intact. Meaning he has not told his attorney this fact and he has facts to back up this information.I have mixed emotions about this because I think everybody should just put their cards out there on the table and let the judge get the "whole picture". Then maybe she'd be ordered to seek some help.
I am not saying that my son should be excused but he's trying to straighten out his life. I think he's trying to step up to the plate so to speak regarding the insurance . So I guess I am sensitive about that issue.

Anvil, I do understand about families, divorce being messy and such. However, the bottom line is that I personally feel she doesn't have the right to control the child 100% . And they have not been before a judge yet ..the case is pending because of technicalities. This little child should not be considered a possession by her. I am not going to go to court and fight over grandparent rights as what kind of joy would I get forcing the issue? None. None at all.

She did "offer" me a chance to "supervise" visitation. No judge ordered supervised visitation. My son agreed to have that kind of visitation. I declined because I felt I was being used. Not good enough to babysit now but yet I was good enough to oversee visitation between my son and his child. I also felt it wouldn't be good for my relationship with my son...my reminding him he had to get him back on time, etc. I just didn't feel it would work out. So now her mother is the supervisor of any future visits. Case closed. I am sure none of this makes any sense. I am just saying everything is not all black and white in this situation. However Anvil, I do appreciate your insight and what you said. Thank you. dixied

sorry......I erased part of my post. to those that read it..my soon to be dil has a problem....in that she "doctor shops" for a certain medication of which my son has proof but has not given the info to his attorney.......so I am just saying that the story has a few more "chapters" than I have discussed. I feel if everything were out in the open it would be better for everyone concerned... meaning I wish the judge were going to have all the facts...sorry for the mixed up post. dixied

Dixied,

Your feelings are hurt and that is very understandable.

My exah and I have a child together.
Some of the things I have done to protect myself and our son from the fallout of my exah's addiction may have been seen as 'cold', 'uncaring' and 'selfish' to others. Fortunately, I maintained a very good relationship with my exah's family and they understood why I did what I did...but some of his friends did not. Some people knew what I had been thru but they still felt it necessary to judge my actions and decisions. Some people said I didn't do enough to protect myself and our son...some said I did too much... Some of the criticism was expected from certain people and some of it knocked me off my feet and hurt very deeply.

You don't know the whole story about what happened between your son and his soon to be ex wife. You know your son's side of things but that is only half the story. You had your reasons for turning down her offer to allow you to do supervised visits and that might have seemed cold and uncaring to her but you have your reasons that she couldn't possibly understand.

Addiction hurts everyone...
It can pit people who love the addict against each other even though each person is dealing with addiction the best way they know how.
Maybe this seems like too much to ask but maybe you could focus on being grateful that your grandchild's mom takes her responsibility to protect her child seriously...Maybe she takes it too far in your opinion but at least you know that she will protect your grandchild no matter what...perhaps this can give you a sense of understanding and peace.

I'm sorry you're hurting...
Hugs...

anvil,

i am sending you a pm. thanks dixie

Dixied,

I also wanted to add that it is very hard on a child to have a father that is in and out and in and out and in and out of their life due to addiction.
I rode this rollercoaster ride with my exah for a very long time and it hurt my son a great deal. I thought I was doing the right thing by allowing him to have contact with our son during periods when I thought he was 'clean'...only to have him disappear from the picture when he relapsed.

Looking back, I wish I had been tougher. I wish I had limited my exah's contact with our son until he had a long-standing track record of recovery. I wanted so badly to do what was right for everyone but sometimes I just didn't know what the 'right' thing was. I always seemed to err on the side of maintaining contact with my exah but it sounds like your DIL errs on the other side. I honestly can't fault her for it.

As someone who's been in your soon to be ex DIL's shoes, I understand why she is doing what she is doing. With the insurance thing...who knows how long your son will keep this new job? How hard will it be for her to switch insurance coverage only to see your son relapse three months down the road...will the child be left without coverage? So many questions...so many ways to look at the issues...Try to trust that your DIL is doing what she thinks is best.

I am on the outside looking in on this issue, and what I picked up on in this particular paragraph had nothing to do with the child or the chance to have both his father and grandmother spend time with him in one shot.

I know when I went through my first divorce, my self-centeredness certainly didn't allow me to do what was best for my daughter, but rather I reacted out of my hurt and anger towards her father. Of course, hindsight is 20/20.

Hi I just wanted to add that my AH has caused soo many problems as of today and it's only been 9 months. My 8 year old told me that she can't concentrate in school because she is thinking of her father. She told me mommy he need to decide if he wants to be here or there. When I ask where there is she can't tell me. See, I've never talked about her father or his addiction in front of her but, she knows when he is out on binges and she knows how he use to treat her. So, I ask you not to be soooo judgemental of your daughter- in -law. She is only looking out for the best interest of your grandchild and for that you should respect her. If every move she makes you go to a lawyer this is not going to turn out good for anyone involved. Give her time to heal. Your son DOES have to prove himself to be worthy again. Give it sometime she has been taking care of him alone thus far. You also bring up her addiction but, not fully. Did she start taking presciption meds due to the fact that she was trying to handle your son's addiction. Was it anxiety or depression meds. Take a long look at the situation. Believe me its more than meets the eye!!!!!!

Some things just need time and i suspect that after the divorce things might settle in a bit more. She may have trouble seperating her husband from you right now. It sounds like everyone's feelings are very raw and pushing right now can sometimes push people further away. Whether she is fair or not is hard to tell without hearing her side of the story.

I just think take some time, let things heal, and then listen to her because she is the one who does ultimately decide until the courts do. Dont give her any ammunition against you before that time. Maybe even be the bigger person and send her a Christmas card - tell her you understand that things are strained right now but hope that the wounds will heal in time. You are older and wiser and you may find there will come a time that she will need you in your grandchildrens lives.

Hi Dixied,

Your post title is hurt... how do I put it in perspective? I suggest the serenity prayer. It's all we have sometimes.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.

This too shall pass. Just have patience and faith.

Would your grandson get any joy from having you in his life?

Dixie, it's just sad what addiction does to families.

I can't see either of my son's children (2 different mothers, 2 different cities) because they are protecting their children from my son. He has never ever been abusive and loves both his children, but he has never been consistent in his recovery or visits and commitments to them and that has had an emotional impact on these children and the mothers are protecting against that.

While this hurts very much, I respect both these women for protecting their children. Whether I agree or not is not relevant, what's important is that they are doing the best they can and even if it isn't perfect, I bow to their efforts.

I know several moms here who have lost their grandchildren because of their sons' addictions. It's sad, tragic even, but it is what it is and there is nothing we can do about it.

Your son must decide if he wants to pursue this legally, he can and may have a good case. But in the end it's what is best for the child that should come first.

I'm sending hugs because it stinks to be us sometimes, in a perfect world we'd both make wonderful grandma's. I hope your story has a happier ending than mine, really I do, but felt a need to just say what I said.

Hugs

thank you ann and to those that took the time to reply. It is hard to accept but with the help and opinions of those that responded I am going to move on. Chino. I do think I have much to offer my grandson and I do love him very much. It just seems too painful for me to think about court
regarding grandparents rights at the present time.
The divorce has been halted due to property issues. Perhaps if they can go to court and resolve that and other issues.........who knows?
Right now I am going to concentrate on being thankful that my son has obtained a good job and is now one year sober. I guess things will unfold as they should. Thanks to all of you with your thoughts, insight, and kindness.
dixied

Dixied,
Hugs to you, addiction hurts us all, including the innocent children.

I am one of the grandmoms who lost a grand daughter because of my sons addiction. When she was born, my sons GF didn't put bis name on the birth certificate as the father, (smart girl) so therefore, I haven't ANY rights as a grandparent, and have not seen her for 13 years.

(although I'm going to be a grandmom again in March...maybe this one will stick...:))



You do have rights. This is YOUR grandchild. Fight for those rights, if visitation isn't approved.

As for your son visiting, I can understand the EX having trust issues, heck I have them myself with my sons.

Time will heal alot of these problems.
Time and a judge, and your son staying in recovery.


Hugs from one grandmom to another...........

It will get better if she gets the help she needs...