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confused ex girlfriend please help

Old 12-13-2008, 12:01 AM
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Angry confused ex girlfriend please help

Hi all,
I am just writing to introduce my self. I just found out my ex boyfriend i have been with on and off was lieing to me. He told me after six months of dating he had a cocaine problem and that he was getting off it. I found out two days ago that he never stopped. I feel like such a fool. He makes good money so he will never hit rock bottom. I can't seem to forget him or move on cause he has called me a bitch, ****, loser, stupid, sick in the head so many times i feel i cannot do any better, plus i do not want to walk away, i could never forget myself if something happened to him. I also can't stand the thought of him hating me but he is getting to the point that he will not talk to me, or phone me. I told him a couple days ago that i knew everything and he was not welcome near me or near my apt but now i want him here. I am so scared to move on, why can't he love me
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Old 12-13-2008, 01:40 AM
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Exgirlfriend I could have written this post many years ago. Its not that he doesnt love u its just that he loves the drugs more. You say he never stopped doing coke, yet u say u dont want to leave for fear that something might happen. What if something did happen to him? I mean that he was doing it without u knowing about it, but now that u know you somehow guilt yourself into thinking that u cant leave him cause what if something happens. He will use no matter if u like it or if you dont he doesnt care and in reality what should he? I mean is there any consequences for his actions?

I know there are right now and the consequence is that u broke up with him, but now u miss him and want him back. So why should he change he has right where he wants u. To take him back, tell more lies, call u names, and just disreguard your feelings and your relationship. He doesnt call u back and he doesnt talk to u because he knows this will drive u nuts wondering what hes doing. So when he does call and begs for forgivness and to get back together you will.

What r u getting out of this relationship? What does he offer you? Is this a person u want to be with knowing that he lies, mistreats u, doest respect u? If this was one of your friends boyfriends what would u say to her?

I cant tell u what to do but I can tell u I wish I had this forum and the truth from people who have been there done that so I could have gotten out alot faster than I did. I fell for every lie and thought I was the one to save him. 3yrs later I realized I couldnt and almost lost myself and my sanity trying to help him so nothing bad would happen. Guess what he still did whatever he wanted and I still didnt find out about it unless he told me, so I guess what I am saying is that hes gonna do what he wants whether u know or not and u cant save him from himself. BUT u can save yourself from him. You did the right thing dont second guess yourself I would hate to see u go through what I did all in the name of "helping" him and my guilt.

I wish u much strength and much luck.
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Old 12-13-2008, 05:16 AM
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(((exgirlfriend)))
Welcome

I feel like such a fool. He makes good money so he will never hit rock bottom.
all addicts hit rock bottom eventually.. doesn't matter if you are rich or poor, it will happen. Right now he is making enough money to support his habit but what happens when he looses that great job due to his drug use, what happens when he gets arrested for buying something at the wrong place at the wrong time? That may not lead him to rock bottom just yet but I assure you one day he will get there.... he just has to be sick and tired of living with the person that he has become

I can't seem to forget him or move on cause he has called me a bitch, ****, loser, stupid, sick in the head so many times i feel i cannot do any better,
Sweetie, this is called emotional abuse and YOU can do better.... Never ever let anyone control how you feel about yourself.. Of course he wants you to feel that way, in some way you are giving him what he needs... most addicts who are activly using are very selfish... they manitpulate people into staying around so that they can use them to support their habit.

plus i do not want to walk away, i could never forget myself if something happened to him.
As long as he is using something will eventually happen to him whether you are there or not... YOu can't worry about what will happen to him if you decide to leave.. The real question is what will happen to YOU if you choose to stick around? Do you think it's fair that you have to compromise your happiness and well being because of someone elses problem.

I also can't stand the thought of him hating me but he is getting to the point that he will not talk to me, or phone me
Consider yourself lucky that he is getting to the point where he will not talk to you or phone you... use this time to dig deep within yourself and figure out why it is you are so dependent on this relationship for your happiness.

I told him a couple days ago that i knew everything and he was not welcome near me or near my apt
GOOD JOB!!!! That is your first boundary... something that you have done for yourself... please stick to that boundary... I know it hurts... God I know it hurts but it will hurt worse if you continue to let him stay in your life...

I am so scared to move on, why can't he love me
(((((exgirlfriend)))) He cannot love you because he does not love himself... you cannot give something to someone that YOU don't have... does that makes since? There is a sticky at the top of this forum titles what addicts do... Read it.. it will tell you why an addict cannot and does not love anyone..

I know this hurts but addiction is an ugly life full of hurt, lies, secrets, frustrations and insanity...

Please keep posting here and may I suggest that you find an alanon or naranon meeting that you can attend...in there you will find the tools to help you detatch from this relationship..
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Old 12-13-2008, 06:03 AM
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He probably doesn't hate you but he probably is showing you love in the only way he can by staying away from you believe me he is doing you a favor.

Don't let his words take you down. They only have the meaning that you give them someone in active addiction's words have little meaning in the real world. You have to look at the action and skip the words....
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Old 12-13-2008, 11:35 AM
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For the heck of it, take the drug out of the picture.

He's a liar, a manipulator and abuses you, hardly the foundation of a healthy relationship, anyway you look at it.

Abuse like this has no place to stick unless you give it validation.

Group therapy focused on co-dependent issue can provide you with necessary survival tools. It's a tough world out there. And we all need a little help, from time to time.
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Old 12-13-2008, 11:45 AM
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exgirlfriend you should really take your ex's advice and forget about him. No matter how hard that is. Abusive people whether they are on drugs or alcohol always remain abusive. That's strictly been my opinion and experience.

If you ask me him having a drug problem is the least of his problems at this point. People who feel that they have the right to degrade, put down, trash and be mean to others have ALOT of other issues.

I was married to an abusive spouse for almost 10 years. It took alot for me to endure that kind of pain. In fact that pain was far worse then leaving him. I felt victorious when I left that relationship. Any person who wants to see you suffer more than being happy in life is a waste of time.

Pick yourself up and get into some counseling. Ask for help. There is power in getting the knowledge you need to get through this. I really hate to say this but if you dont learn it now while its early in life you will wake up in 20 years with the same kind of turd laying next to you and your asking yourself "why does my life suck so bad"! Just my opinion.

Prayers to you. Good luck in whatever direction you go.....
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Old 12-13-2008, 11:59 AM
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Just a thought...I went through those emotions and then decided to stay...found myself engaged and pregnant and he decided to start partying again, neglecting his duties as a future dad. I am not saying you will get pregnant or trapped into marriage but if you don't want to marry him, think about what would happen if you keep investing time in this situation. Your point of view may start to accept what he dishes out as "normal" when it isn't healthy for you or your sense of self. Not to mention what will you do if you wake up one day and realize you've gotten yourself financially intertwined with this person and can't afford to get out. You mentioning money scares me because he could start offering to help you and entrap you into staying? Maybe none of these things would happen but if he is still using and not admitting to needing help, it may be a hard road ahead...I pray for your strength and hope you make the decision that is best for you.
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Old 12-13-2008, 12:05 PM
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Originally Posted by exgirlfriend View Post
Hi all,
I am just writing to introduce my self. I just found out my ex boyfriend i have been with on and off was lieing to me. He told me after six months of dating he had a cocaine problem and that he was getting off it. I found out two days ago that he never stopped. I feel like such a fool. He makes good money so he will never hit rock bottom. I can't seem to forget him or move on cause he has called me a bitch, ****, loser, stupid, sick in the head so many times i feel i cannot do any better, plus i do not want to walk away, i could never forget myself if something happened to him. I also can't stand the thought of him hating me but he is getting to the point that he will not talk to me, or phone me. I told him a couple days ago that i knew everything and he was not welcome near me or near my apt but now i want him here. I am so scared to move on, why can't he love me

welcome

This is a sticky at the top of this forum, I've found it helpful.

What Addicts Do

My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
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Old 12-13-2008, 12:07 PM
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Hi there,

I'm sorry you are dealing with a man that has crushed your sense of self.

Drugs and the abuse are two different things- sometimes the abusiveness comes as a result of an addiction- I don't know if this is the case with you.

Either way, verbal abuse is a very difficult thing to deal with, because you don't see it's effects untill you have gone too far.

Usually most abusers initally come off as fun, witty, strong, smart, etc, (otherwise you would most likley never have dated them for so long)

Most abusers don't tell you what a "stupid *****" you are on a first date- the abuse starts after you have touched their lives on a deeper level, and then that brings about their own very old, very deep issues- ie; how they grew up, and how they learned this abusive pattern themselves.

I have a wealth of info on this topic.

VERY VERY IMPORTANT- regardless of the drugs or not- he will CONTINUE TO ABUSE YOU AND ABUSE YOU MORE- the more YOU ALLOW IT. the more you tolerate his disrespect and abuse - the more it empowers him and will validate his evilness.....

It is a very sick and twisted patter, that if you stay engaged, will damage you for a very long time.

Alot of people tell me I have a strong Irish temper.... and they laugh about not wanting to 'mess with me'.....

That was a learned behaviour my friend, after being married to an abusive man (a cop ) as a matter of fact!!!

It was all verbal, it was horrid, pushing and shoveing at the end- then I left, with three kids in tow, one in diapers!!

It made me stronger in the long run, but let me tell you, I am no where near as kind as I used to be- deep down I am, but I'm afraid still.

I don't want anyone to see me weak,

I don't want anyone to have any control over me-
I don't want to give as easily.

That isn't fair to loving individuals that I have relationships with- but they who really know me know that I am just gaurded due to my ex's abuse.

Get some good counseling now- before his sickness causes you a terrible amount of greif.

Good luck,
Cessy
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Old 12-13-2008, 01:06 PM
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I totally understand what you're going through.
My ABF is also addicted to Cocaine (snorting) and uses every 3 or 4 days. He is what you would call a 'Functioning' addict.
He also stops talking to me, calling me, and cuts himself off. Mainly because he is ashamed of himself, and doesn't want to feel the guilt of what he has put me through.

BUT... 9 times out of 10, they will get back in touch. Give him a week, 2 weeks, 2 months even, but they will at some point, find some way of contacting you somehow, with any excuse.

It's never easy being in love with an addict and i so feel for you. Especially how that white powder is so important to them. I still can't understand it, and have stopped trying.
If he has cut you off, it is probably for the best. He is no fit state to love himself or even truly look after himself, so he won't have your best interests at heart, or the near future.
If he decided he wants out or help, then that's different.

Don't try to understand why he is the way he is to you. Drugs really can change a mans behaviour. Cocaine turns men into arrogant, ignorant, cocky, talkative know-it alls, who stay up all night and put you down to make them feel better.
Sounds farmiliar right?
My abf behaves exactly like that when using cocaine. Hence i REFUSE to be around him when he is using.

Use the distance he has set up to detatch yourself emotionally and physically. It's not your problem anymore, it's his. only HE can help himself, no one else. I have learnt we can't love them clean.

If you want to talk i'm here.
Good luck.

~Limiya~
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