sknyfats

I know what you're feeling. The only thing / person I can speak with absolute certainty about is my own self. And, that too is subject to change. That's what we humans do. We're imperfect. We flip & flop. Some of us more than others.

I've had several relationships that were pretty 'strong' at the time - and some that still have a big piece of my mind or heart in some way - if even just for the memories that occasionally come up once in awhile, for this reason or that. The thing is - even though those relationships never worked out (otherwise I'd be married & be living "happily ever after", right?), I know that the relationship I'm in now, with my AGF, is nothing like those in any way shape or form. I KNOW this relationship is UNHEALTHY. It sounds like you know yours is too. We both know there are certain ideals & things we won't settle on, yet, with these people we're seeing, we compromise ourselves time & time again.

I know any relationship requires compromise; love is a two way street - and without both parties providing a balanced amount of give & take - the relationship is probably doomed. But, it seems that most of us with addicts & alcoholics, we seem to continually just give give give - while they take take take. I'm constantly justifying my allowing this or that to happen (or not happen) saying "Well, it's really no big deal. How much will it hurt me if I do "x" for her?" or "Is it worth speaking up about "x"? It's easier to just let it go and move on & enjoy the good times we're having in the moment, right?". Well - all those little compromises add up. And sometimes when I look back & reflect - I use that little phrase "What have YOU done for ME lately?" & think about her. And then I say - "W T F am I doing???"

I guess the thing that makes it all the more difficult is, so often, she doesn't have a clue of how much she hurts me sometimes; or how much I've given or that she's taken. So, I write it off as me being forgiving & compassionate because she's "sick". Because, she was raised & went through so many different events in her life that lead her down the road to the one she's currently on. I feel sorry for her - and pity her sometimes. At other times, I feel so proud of her strength - to even be alive today, much less functioning as well as she does.

She's a great girl. Amazing, beautiful - a sweet heart - the most creative person I have EVER met, hands down - but there's this ugliness that exists - and shows up too often; an ugliness that, for some reason, I seem to feed upon, which, little by little, is bringing me down...closer to her level...when, when we first met - my "hope" was that things might rub off the other way - and all the good I was & was doing in my life might help her pull herself out of her hell.

Maybe there's a combination of both happening - and we're feeding off of each other in both positive & negative ways...I dunno...I'm just trying to be patient, and take more care of "me", a little bit at a time...until I'm strong enough to not only know what the right thing to do is - but to actually DO the right thing, whatever that may be.

I think a perfect sign of codependance is, when it comes to a relationship, and knowing the difference between right & wrong - yet going and doing the wrong thing anyway.

You know what to do. I know what to do. So why don't either of us just do it? Is answering that question necessary or even worth it - or is it just time to just DO THE RIGHT THING? Guess that all depends on where you're at & what is involved.

I know I'm taking the lazy way right now - for the holidays at least. Keeping my fingers crossed there are no big blow ups...treading lightly on the eggshells...but I'm not holding my breath...see you after the new year. Happy Holidays & Good luck.