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BatzMaru 12-12-2008 12:53 PM

Feeling Down
 
So my ABF has been home from 16 days of detox/inpatient since Wednesday. I have seen him yesterday and on Wednesday. He seems like a different person. And he's actually being more open than I thought he would be at this point as far as talking about things. Yesterday and Wednesday were good days. I was really able to detach myself enough so that I just accepted things will play out one day at a time, and was able to enjoy spending time with him while he was not nodding.

Today, not so good. I woke up with my head racing already, and I knew it was going to be a bad day for me. Then I stupidly got on the internet at work and started reading things that upset me more. Things about what most heroin addicts do while they are addicted, and also about relapse rates and how long addicts can do well before they relapse and how they themselves are often blindsided by it.

I feel foolish for being happy that the last 2 days were good. I told him I was having a bad day, but not the specifics of why, just that I was upset thinking about his addicted behaviors. We'll see if he is able to react to that in a supportive way later, or if he will just brush my feelings to the side like he did when he was using.

winnie12 12-12-2008 01:20 PM

Sometimes our minds play tricks on us. When you woke up you had already decided it would be a bad day and then you made it happen. If you had woken up telling yourself its going to be a great day - you might have had it.

I remember when my son was first diagnosed with diabetes - i went online and started reading the mortality statistics for diabetics (not a bright move) - found out that many comas and deaths are at night when their blood sugar drops too low - imagine how well i slept after that? But i was fearing something that so far hasnt happened so what good did it do me. Yes it could happen but worrying about it did me no good and was a waste of my energy. Your bf could relapse but if he hasnt so far then enjoy the day for what it is worth - dont let demons and dark thoughts make you fear things that havent happened - that's a huge joy stealer.

Alaia 12-12-2008 01:22 PM

Bartz...my ex-abf was/is a heroin addict. Please be careful and watch his actions. They are very manipulative and have an encyclopedia of lies to use on you. My ex went to detox at least 4 times while I was with him. It was the same thing every time. He came home...all gung ho about his recovery only to go about 30-60 days and then relapse again. I always tried to believe he wanted to be clean. Good luck, be caucious and make sure to take care of yourself.

Freedom1990 12-12-2008 01:25 PM

My best suggestion is to get the focus off of him and put it on yourself. What do you have in place for a support system for yourself?

16 days in detox/inpatient is a drop in the bucket. Recovery is a long slow process, and if you are looking to him to validate your feelings or be supportive of you, I'm afraid you are setting yourself up for disappointment.

The best thing that you can do right now is to get some support for yourself because the damage of addiction is far reaching. We have to have a way to process those feelings of hurt and anger.

BatzMaru 12-12-2008 01:31 PM


Originally Posted by Alaia (Post 2021227)
Bartz...my ex-abf was/is a heroin addict. Please be careful and watch his actions. They are very manipulative and have an encyclopedia of lies to use on you. My ex went to detox at least 4 times while I was with him. It was the same thing every time. He came home...all gung ho about his recovery only to go about 30-60 days and then relapse again. I always tried to believe he wanted to be clean. Good luck, be caucious and make sure to take care of yourself.

How did you find the strength to go through that 4 times? Why didn't you give him an ultimatum? Do you think it would've made a difference or is the addicted mind to selfish and arrogant? I feel that I should give him an ultimatum - if he relapses, I leave. But I am so scared that he will relapse (based on statistics alone) that I haven't found the strength within me to give him an ultimatum. I know that I should set my boundaries sooner rather than later. Honestly I don't know if I would be able to follow through with it, which is probably worse than not saying it at all.

Also, i noticed he is your X-ABF. If you don't mind sharing, what was your breaking point?

hope213 12-12-2008 03:08 PM

turn his recovery over to him.it is his recovery. quit worrying about what he will do or not do. you can not keep him clean. work on you & let it fall where ever it does. keep the past in the past. i wish you luck & him too. prayers for u both.

Impurrfect 12-12-2008 03:22 PM

I agree with Freedom...work on YOU and let him work on his own recovery. I'm a recovering crack addict and a recovering codie. I didn't have to detox (there is no physical withdrawal from crack) but I know at 16 days, I wouldn't have been much good at giving anyone else emotional support. Heck, I hadn't even begun to know what I was really feeling at that point!

Detoxes are not cures..all they do is get an A through the physical withdrawal part. It is up to the A to work on his own recovery. Even rehabs are not cures..they simply give the A tools and the time to learn those tools..the real test comes when the A is out in the real world.

If you are totally focused on him, you are going to drive yourself crazy. He is going to be an A forever, whether or not he is an RA is totally up to him. I left my A when I quit smoking crack. I've got 21 months of recovery, he is in jail...again.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy


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