Need help with ultimatum for son
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: CA
Posts: 101
Need help with ultimatum for son
Hi All,
Naturally it's a long story- aren't they all? The gist is that our son left rehab early, 1 year ago, and has been using on and off ever since. We did the best we could as far as not enabling and hoped he'd eventually seek/ask/get help for himself. He's 21. He's not been in jail, yet. He's not stolen from us, yet. You get the picture... he manages to fly under the radar and appear that his life is somewhat normal. He basically stays away from us when he's using.
He's living in a rental home of ours, with 2 other roommates, and he has always managed to pay us rent. He was renting from us before we knew he was using, so we agreed to let him stay there as long as he continued paying us rent. Well, this is the first time he cannot pay rent. So, we told him he needs to be out by the first. We are certain that he's probably scrambling to come up with the rent, so we're planning on meeting with him this weekend and want to present the fact that unless he gets into treatment (rent or not) he needs to leave.
Here's my problem (one of many!!): Husband wants to tell him that if he pays rent and wants to stay then he needs to drug test and one failed test and he's out. We are both aware of how they can cheat on the drug tests, etc... So, I think it's better to say that he needs to enter treatment or he's out- period. I feel that my huband is just prolonging the inevitable.
I've been making local contact and trying to get a list of support people for son (counselors, treatment centers, etc.) so that we can give him numbers to call. The problem for all of us right now is money, we can't afford to pay for his treatment and he can't either. We could a year ago, but that didn't seem to help anyway.
I would greatly welcome any input, suggestions, ideas, etc.. Oh, and prayers! I would love prayers. My prayer is that son will choose help.
Thanks for listening/reading. I appreciate all of you and your stories- I've said this before, but you'll never how helpful you've all been and continue to be.
Hugs,
AquaBlue
Naturally it's a long story- aren't they all? The gist is that our son left rehab early, 1 year ago, and has been using on and off ever since. We did the best we could as far as not enabling and hoped he'd eventually seek/ask/get help for himself. He's 21. He's not been in jail, yet. He's not stolen from us, yet. You get the picture... he manages to fly under the radar and appear that his life is somewhat normal. He basically stays away from us when he's using.
He's living in a rental home of ours, with 2 other roommates, and he has always managed to pay us rent. He was renting from us before we knew he was using, so we agreed to let him stay there as long as he continued paying us rent. Well, this is the first time he cannot pay rent. So, we told him he needs to be out by the first. We are certain that he's probably scrambling to come up with the rent, so we're planning on meeting with him this weekend and want to present the fact that unless he gets into treatment (rent or not) he needs to leave.
Here's my problem (one of many!!): Husband wants to tell him that if he pays rent and wants to stay then he needs to drug test and one failed test and he's out. We are both aware of how they can cheat on the drug tests, etc... So, I think it's better to say that he needs to enter treatment or he's out- period. I feel that my huband is just prolonging the inevitable.
I've been making local contact and trying to get a list of support people for son (counselors, treatment centers, etc.) so that we can give him numbers to call. The problem for all of us right now is money, we can't afford to pay for his treatment and he can't either. We could a year ago, but that didn't seem to help anyway.
I would greatly welcome any input, suggestions, ideas, etc.. Oh, and prayers! I would love prayers. My prayer is that son will choose help.
Thanks for listening/reading. I appreciate all of you and your stories- I've said this before, but you'll never how helpful you've all been and continue to be.
Hugs,
AquaBlue
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I tend to agree with you about the drug testing, but I am pretty against drug testing anyway because it's not accurate, it's degrading to both the tester and the addict, and it's good for the minute you give it...what about an hour later?
I don't think I'd want an active addict living in a place I owned, for many reasons. One is that I may be legally implicated for "knowing" and another is for the damage they could do...for example growing pot causes terrible damage to a home.
The Salvation Army rehabs are free and they are also very good. Maybe not as fancy as some, but every bit as effective. I find most rehabs are about as good as the addict's willingness to be there and get clean.
My prayers go out for your son, I hope he reaches out for help soon. And hugs to you and your husband for making boundaries you are prepared to enforce.
Hugs
I don't think I'd want an active addict living in a place I owned, for many reasons. One is that I may be legally implicated for "knowing" and another is for the damage they could do...for example growing pot causes terrible damage to a home.
The Salvation Army rehabs are free and they are also very good. Maybe not as fancy as some, but every bit as effective. I find most rehabs are about as good as the addict's willingness to be there and get clean.
My prayers go out for your son, I hope he reaches out for help soon. And hugs to you and your husband for making boundaries you are prepared to enforce.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
In our state you have to legally evict someone even if they do not have a written lease. That can take upwards of 60 days so you might need to do the 30 days notice. If he comes up with the money then you can decide if you want to accept it or continue on with the eviction. Just saying that he is an addict is not enough to evict someone though. Your state might be different so check the laws. Hugs, Marle
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: CA
Posts: 101
Originally Posted by cynical one 
Do you drug test all your tenants? Will the roommates be tested also? If he can come up with the rent than hasn't he fulfilled his part of the agreement? What are your rules concerning late payments, do you offer other tenants any grace period?
As far as paying for rehabs, I would do it one time only for a minor child. Other than that, as stated above The Salvation Army, Catholic Charities, and the Association of Gospel Rescue Missions all offer long-term inpatient rehab at no cost.
Ultimatums are a form of control over others…do it my way or else. Healthy boundaries are all about us…what we find acceptable and unacceptable.
As far as paying for rehabs, I would do it one time only for a minor child. Other than that, as stated above The Salvation Army, Catholic Charities, and the Association of Gospel Rescue Missions all offer long-term inpatient rehab at no cost.
Ultimatums are a form of control over others…do it my way or else. Healthy boundaries are all about us…what we find acceptable and unacceptable.
We agree, we paid for his rehab last year, but this time he's on his own.
I struggled with what word to use, and ended up with "ultimatum," and I guess we are saying it's our way or else you're out. His way obviously isn't working.
Thank you for the mention of the other no cost rehabs, I appreciate that.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
What is the point of telling him to move out? To try to control his actions and force him into rehab? Cuz forcing him to go to rehab isn't going to make him stay clean. You can't control him. You can't cure him. You can't make him stop.
But you can stop enabling him. And that is a fair boundary.
For example, is he paying fair market rent on the property or getting a special deal because you are his parents? Maybe you need to raise his rent... Tell him you can rent the place for more and give him the choice to stay or go.
But you can stop enabling him. And that is a fair boundary.
For example, is he paying fair market rent on the property or getting a special deal because you are his parents? Maybe you need to raise his rent... Tell him you can rent the place for more and give him the choice to stay or go.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
I would treat him like you would any other tenant - no better no worse. If you are giving him a lower rent then I guess it gives you some feeling of control over him - which could just be an illusion. I would just look at the rental house as a business opportunity you have invested in. Charge him the same rent, have the same late consequences, etc.
Do you have a formal lease agreement? They do typically have "no illegal activity" clauses in them and you can throw someone out if they are engaging in illegal activity but you would have to have proof. Again this wont stop him and I wouldnt use that unless you normally would use that against a tenant. I dont know your state laws but in my state if you dont have a lease its a tenancy at will - which means either he can leave or you can throw him out anytime you want. You would need to check out your landlord/tenant laws in your state to see what your actual rights are - he also has rights as do his roommates because that is their home.
I see nothing wrong with cutting him some slack on rent if he is actively seeking help for this problem but I think that as parents when our children go out of control we try to force them into submission to our will. When they were little it was easy becuase we could pick them up and put them in their rooms or not take them the places they want to go. As they get older they have their own way of obtaining what they want and we cant stop that. We use whatever tools we can to try to make them stop - its completely out of love but with some kids this age it can push them further into the depths just out of their natural sense of rebellion. I know I tried everything I could to stop my son and no threat or action on my part has made any difference at all - in fact the only thing it did was to make him become sneakier and harder to reach. The more i took from him or refused him, to try to get him to "tow the line" the more he resisted.
Do you have a formal lease agreement? They do typically have "no illegal activity" clauses in them and you can throw someone out if they are engaging in illegal activity but you would have to have proof. Again this wont stop him and I wouldnt use that unless you normally would use that against a tenant. I dont know your state laws but in my state if you dont have a lease its a tenancy at will - which means either he can leave or you can throw him out anytime you want. You would need to check out your landlord/tenant laws in your state to see what your actual rights are - he also has rights as do his roommates because that is their home.
I see nothing wrong with cutting him some slack on rent if he is actively seeking help for this problem but I think that as parents when our children go out of control we try to force them into submission to our will. When they were little it was easy becuase we could pick them up and put them in their rooms or not take them the places they want to go. As they get older they have their own way of obtaining what they want and we cant stop that. We use whatever tools we can to try to make them stop - its completely out of love but with some kids this age it can push them further into the depths just out of their natural sense of rebellion. I know I tried everything I could to stop my son and no threat or action on my part has made any difference at all - in fact the only thing it did was to make him become sneakier and harder to reach. The more i took from him or refused him, to try to get him to "tow the line" the more he resisted.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Sending hugs...It's so hard establishing boundaries that work for you and maintaining a united front at the same time. Things that I felt comfortable with weren't necessarily what my husband felt comfortable with. Sometimes I found the strain between my husband and I as a result of our daughter's addiction to be worse than how I felt interacting with her.
I'm not a fan of drug tests either..I always found my gut knew and things spiralled down fast enough when my daughter was active; I didn't need a test to know. Others have found it to be a strong motivator to stay clean. I think it depends a lot on the individuals involved.
I too hope your son choses to get help; and that free assistance is available quickly.
I'm not a fan of drug tests either..I always found my gut knew and things spiralled down fast enough when my daughter was active; I didn't need a test to know. Others have found it to be a strong motivator to stay clean. I think it depends a lot on the individuals involved.
I too hope your son choses to get help; and that free assistance is available quickly.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: CA
Posts: 101
Thank you everyone, for your input. My husband is starting to see where the drug testing might not be helpful. I know he's coming from a place where he tries to find things to hold my son accountable. Both of our hearts in the right place, we are just confused on the best action, if any, to take.
I guess we were hoping to raise his bottom, by telling him he couldn't live there any longer, since he couldn't pay rent. So, I guess that means we are still trying to control things. If he's able to come up with the money, we'll tack on the late fee, as we'd do with any tenant and then if he's late again with January's rent, we will ask him to leave- just like we'd do with a tenant. We are not hard nosed landlords, but we aren't doormats either.
We are just tired, and frustrated, and scared. Both husband and I need to get back into Al-anon.
Thank you again.
I guess we were hoping to raise his bottom, by telling him he couldn't live there any longer, since he couldn't pay rent. So, I guess that means we are still trying to control things. If he's able to come up with the money, we'll tack on the late fee, as we'd do with any tenant and then if he's late again with January's rent, we will ask him to leave- just like we'd do with a tenant. We are not hard nosed landlords, but we aren't doormats either.
We are just tired, and frustrated, and scared. Both husband and I need to get back into Al-anon.
Thank you again.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Hackettstown, NJ
Posts: 692
I tend to go along with the majority here and say you aught to treat him like any other tenant, both in terms of privaledge, penalty, and legalities.
You can certainly give him a list of rehabs, etc. but you can't make him call them!
BTW, if he can't afford rehab and has no insurance, applying for charity care at whatever rehab he would go to is the first option. Most do offer that if he qualifies (though they also often 'run out' of charity care - its allocated by the year, or by the quarter, etc.).
It just stinks to have to watch your kid make dumb and dangerous choices and not be able to stop the downward spiral. Welcome to big same boat we're all in here!
You can certainly give him a list of rehabs, etc. but you can't make him call them!
BTW, if he can't afford rehab and has no insurance, applying for charity care at whatever rehab he would go to is the first option. Most do offer that if he qualifies (though they also often 'run out' of charity care - its allocated by the year, or by the quarter, etc.).
It just stinks to have to watch your kid make dumb and dangerous choices and not be able to stop the downward spiral. Welcome to big same boat we're all in here!
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Aquablue,
Lots of input before me, and I agree with treating him like all the other tenants.
You may want to examine if you are both trying to push the addict to his bottom.
(In my case, that never has seemed to work, and I sure have tried pushing!)
But, it is your property, if he doesn't come up with the rent, you should treat him like all others.
Hugs, and prayers...
Lots of input before me, and I agree with treating him like all the other tenants.
You may want to examine if you are both trying to push the addict to his bottom.
(In my case, that never has seemed to work, and I sure have tried pushing!)
But, it is your property, if he doesn't come up with the rent, you should treat him like all others.
Hugs, and prayers...
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
