steve137

so, as i have posted i have strong suspicions of girlfriend's drug use. i have posted about the evidence in other threads. there has bee nno tangable evidence, but there seems to be "something about her." i posted how last weekend she seemed not herself. she claimed to have had smoked good weed, but she was high basically all night. maybe i am grasping. but then last night i picked her up around midnight. she was "off", like she was stoned, but she said she didnt even smoke any weed. speech was slightly slurred and she basically was up all night unable to really sleep. i had loads of coffee, she doenst drink it. then this morning she sounded more herself, same with this afternoon.

i cannot decide if i am trying to find something or if it is really there. i dont know what to think anymore.

cassandra2

Steve honey really get off the hamster wheel here. You just know what you know. This is NOT normal behavior. You probably will end up driving yourself crazy looking for the smoking gun....And even if you did would that make it better or worse for you?

EVEN if she isnt doing anymore then smoking weed is this really the girl for you? You said yourself she is 30 living at home NOT saving for anything ie has NO PLANS FOR THE FUTURE. Somebody who isnt being authentic with you and your relationship. Does she have a car??

I am not trying to be mean but you really are gonna drive yourself crazy by going back and forth. She smokes pot. She is a drug addict. She doesnt like to feel her emotions or face the realities of life.

Dont know what else to say except you are the only that can fix your situation......

cessy68

Steve, why in every post you are playing "detective"?? Either you know she is useing, or you don't want to believe she is useing, or she isn't useing.... whatever the case- ask yourself if eveyday you are like a forensic scientist - if that is healthy for you.

Either way, Why on gods green earth are you doing this to yourself? I asked you the other day if someone who was healthy, sexy, intellegent, funny, non toxic came into your life what would you do? You answered my by saying " I'd be happy".

I wonder how true that statement is- perhaps you should examine that instead of your girlfriend maybe/maybe not addiction.

You are consumed with the detection of drugs. If there are drugs there- are you going to break it off with here? Or are you going to use such info to "rescue her?" What are you looking so hard for?????

I don't understand what you are doing.

I think you already know your answers. If she isn't useing- (which I doubt) are you sticking around everyday to cross examine every action she makes???

I don't know Steve, I don't mean to sound harsh, but geeez. Either she is useing and there is nothing you can do about it anyway- make your decisions from there.....

Or if on the slight chance she isn't useing- she will end up leaving you- because any one who isn't guilty of something- wouldn't allow their partner to constantly be analyzing every "look" every "tone of voice" every "sweaty palm" - etc.

Try to look at yourself and why you are purseueing this........................

Like a woman who is convinced a man is cheating- she usually isn't wrong.
Cessy

steve137

again, thanks for the replies. ok, if i found something for real, like caught red-handed, yes i would be gone and not trying to save her. i am not however alway questioning her (to her) but you are correct in that thios detective roll has come about.

what can i say? i know this all seems like b.s. but there are thing i like about her and i just wanted to se e where we would end up.l i feel really bad about saying- hey i a mbreaking up with you because i dont trust you about drugs.

maybe it is that simple.

as i said before, i would HATE to accuse and be wrong

i am sorry for being in this state, but really REALLY appreciate your replies.

bluebelle

I've found in my own experience that the detective work doesn't help me at all. I've tried the searching through everything, watching every behavior, etc. It makes me anxious, and it causes me to focus on somebody else's behavior, not on my own life. It's caused me lost sleep, loss of concentration at work, loss of time with friends, etc. My ABF is so good at hiding things and manipulations, that I usually don't "find" what I'm looking for anyway. Is there drugs hidden around? Yea, probably. Do I ever find them? No, pretty much not. Do you really think you would break up with her if you found out the truth? Maybe, but very possibly you'd be like me. Listen to their lies, and manipulations. Beg them to stop, cry...all those codependent behaviors. Is this the kind of relationship that you want? Where you don't trust her, so you have to do detective work to see if she is telling the truth?

If you haven't done so already, you might want to read Codependent No More. I'm not trying to be harsh on you. I just see a lot of me in your behavior, and I know that it just leads to pain, depression, anxiety, insomnia, headaches, etc.

cassandra2

I just would like to add something....

When my ex was living here at home and using/abusing his percs and oxy's I found "signs" that he was snorting the pills all over the place. I found empty capsules in my dresser drawers, I found empty capsules in my laundry room and I kept telling myself "maybe its not THAT bad". Then one day my ex was in the bathroom for a REALLY LONG time. He was 2 months post op and so I figured I would check on him to see if he was ok. I opened the door and there he sat on the crown with a rolled up dollar bill in one hand and a magazine in the other trying to hide the dollar on the side of his leg. Ok that is considered a smoking gun.

So I confronted him after he gets out of the bathroom. He said "what I always roll up dollars when I sit on the pot"!!!! Hello THAT IS NOT NORMAL behavior....But ya know what I did, I called up a friend and said here is the story WHAT DO YOU THINK!!!! Even after seeing something with my own two eyes I was calling a friend to ask her what she thought. That is sick.

Even after being a detective and finding the "evidence" of what in my heart I knew he already was doing STILL DID NOT CONVINCE me that there was THAT BIG OF A PROBLEM. Denial Minimize Rationalize. Those are 3 characteristics of addicts. That was becoming my reality in this realtionship. So while I know its easier to sit there and say "well if only I had proof" what is worse is having the proof and still not being satisfied. Because once you have the proof you really have to start making some serious decisions or resign yourself to being sucked into another persons problems that are LARGER THAN LIFE.

I tell you this because I can see you in the same spot I was in and I know exactly how that feels. You dont want to be wrong but you dont want to be right. You say you will act once you have proof but then you cant because now you feel you have to save them or help them or fix it. Those are all codependent behaviors, which means that if you stay you will get just as sick as your addict. Do you really want that for yourself? Its a hard life. I cant blame people for staying or leaving because its all about what you can live with. I for one got out. I couldnt live like that. Its not worth it. Chasing someone and making them do what you want them to do is just not a relationship I want to be in. Think long and hard about what you wish for because you might actually get it and then what?

marle

Trying to save her is not your job. As long as you are trying to save her she does not have to take responsibility for saving herself. To some addicts it becomes a game-you trying to catch them red-handed. With my daughter I tried for 7 months to tell myself that she was depressed, etc to explain why at 20 years old and absolutely beautiful she would choose to date a man who was 17 years her senior and a crack addict. Well the reason was she was addicted to heroin and he supplied all her drugs. When I let her go and left her to figure things out, she finally decided that she wanted help. What you are doing is standing between her and help. You can't be that help so let her go. She may come back someday a whole person, but that is up to her. Hugs, Marle

jerect

Steve... If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it is a duck..

Stop searching, stop questioning and get off this merry go round now... You know the truth... just accept it..

winnie12

Steve I think you already have caught her red handed. People who dont use drugs dont have paraphernalia lying around there bedroom and she admits she is dependant on pot. Maybe you have a bit of denial because you dont want to accept what you know. You're trying to let your heart convince your brain of something. I've read some of your other posts and know that you've dealt with other loved ones suffering addiction. Before we get control of our own lives and emotions we tend to jump from one addict to another and if we were raised by Codie parents we can easily slide into that role as well.

Try to look at it from another angle, what if she isnt using - is her behavior acceptable to you? Wouldnt you like to be with someone that you didnt have to worry about and could trust. I dont doubt that you care for this woman and that your intentions are good but in being so fair to her are you discounting yourself? Are you being fair to yourself and your values by continuing to see her?

eaglesgirl

the more I played detective, the crazier I became.....

"i know this all seems like b.s. but there are thing i like about her and i just wanted to se e where we would end up."

Well... this could go a few different ways. If you really like things about her, and you aren't ready to face the fact that she is an addict, then stay with her and stop making yourself crazy trying to figure out "IF"... As for where you will end up... you could end up back here, you could end up like me and my RAH (thrugh he** and back), you could end up visiting her in a rehab or jail, or you could end up happily ever after. There are ALOT of coulds......

I also like what this member said...."Try to look at it from another angle, what if she isnt using - is her behavior acceptable to you? Wouldnt you like to be with someone that you didnt have to worry about and could trust. I dont doubt that you care for this woman and that your intentions are good but in being so fair to her are you discounting yourself? Are you being fair to yourself and your values by continuing to see her? "

You keep getting alot of great input from this site....

Keep sticking around... it took me a looooooonnnnnnnggggggg time to get it too.