is there any way to help the addict?

Old 12-10-2008, 01:18 PM
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is there any way to help the addict?

I'm still really worried about my ABF. He is supposedly working on recovery--trying to get out of the house more, talking to the counselor once a week, etc. However, it seems to be more the motions than anything else. He keeps telling me how important sobriety is to him. However, he keeps using! He says that he is making a "plan" for recovery. He looked at NA stuff this morning, but he says it sounds too much like a church. However, maybe he'll try it.

I know we are supposed to work on ourselves, and I am really trying. I'm reading the book Addictive Thinking which helps me understand why his rationalizations are so ridiculous. I'm on a waiting list to see a counselor (probably 4 weeks). I'm still working on finding a job, and maybe I'll get some good news regarding that soon.

It just hurts me so much to see him like this. He had 8 months of recovery! He wasn't just sober--he was really working on recovery with counseling sessions, changing his friends, being honest, etc. Now, he is taking who knows how many oxycodones. This morning he fell back to sleep, and got up this afternoon. Now, he's all happy and energetic--telling me how great he feels. Uh huh. He keeps making promises--he gets really excited about stuff. I'm going to read that book with you, I'm going to find a recipe on the Internet for that chicken, etc., but of course, he doesn't follow through. I just know that there is no way that he's going to get better as long as he keeps using!!! He's planning his recovery. Great. Terrific. If you could see me now, you would see me rolling my eyes.

I keep trying to let go, let God, but is that all I can do?
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Old 12-10-2008, 01:35 PM
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Oh bluebelle, are you in my living room, living with my abf??? Because I go through this daily.
Nope is the answer to the question. I know, as you do, the answer, perhaps we are just trying to hear something different.
I know the sleeping, I know the awake "high" times, where the guy we used to know appears.

It's nice when they appear, mine when he is high calls me "baby" is going to "finish the basement" is going to "pick up a good movie and hang with me on the couch" is going to "make plans for a vaca for us"

It's a delusion of what we used to know before drugs.....

It plays with our minds.

I shake my head saying oh my word..... when I read your post. Why why why why why do we have to suffer like this? Why can't we just "get it" and move on. They aren't going to change, and one thing I really believe now, is that if they DO get sober, they won't be the same anymore.

It's like someone that decides they need to "find themselves"....... (without drugs) with some soul searching, they realzie what they want/who they are/and USUALLY it dosen't include their current life situation.

Either way, it's just not going to work. Useing will only cause us more heartache and devistation...... if divine intervention works and they get clean, what are the chances that they would be the same person we once knew and everything goes back to normal?? Slim to none.

Either way we lost someone we love. Perhaps it is better, to cut our losses......... than to drag it out - hopeing and praying for something that just isn't going to happen.

We have been fooled by our media, with romantic happy endings. Songs on the radio. Yep I listen to them all..........

There isn't a happy ending (in my opinion)..... unless we just get happy with ourselves and move forward.

I'm sorry to be a downer, I just don't think we are doing ourselves any justice prolonging the agony.

Instead, I want to grieve.....(again) and get support through that. I need support for the emotions that I have to face.....

the feelings that I "gave up" that I "walked away" that "somone else may help him" that "someone else he'd quit for" that "I wasn't good enough" that "I was wrong" that "maybe my situation was different".

It's not and that is where I am going to look for support...........

Does that ring true for you??
Love,
Cessy
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Old 12-10-2008, 01:36 PM
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Letting go and Letting God...... IS a huge part of it.

So it just keeping the focus on you! I know what it feels like to want to help the person like you would lets say if he had cancer. I can only imagine how frustrating and difficult it would be to watch a loved one diagnosed with the disease of cancer and not do the treatments - be it chemo/visiting oncologists/alternative treatments etc. What would the loving partner do then? I'd imagine it would be that much frustrating if not more so! However, because we see it as a "choice" .... it's hard for we (the codies)...... to not push and hope and go crazy with it all!

I lost a ton of respect for my guy when he was going to the meetings, wearing the NA keychain on his set.......... AND still using! What a flipping hypocrite!

It all comes down to what our tolerance level is.... and when and if we are able to make it through with them to make the choice for themselves to seek sobriety. My thing is that I KNOW I will reach a breaking point when I have just had enough! And that is what fears me the most - because I see it - Lord knows he has heard it from me that it is only a matter of time for me to reach that....... so it's really just time.

Bluebelle - I can hear your frustration. I know how difficult it is. So - it's when I get to this point that you are - I seek further into my own recovery. Because it is me I have to look at... me that I have to question why it is that I am so tolerant or really I should say "willing" to put up this fight for our relationship. It's not like there is going to be a magic wand and all is going to be fixed over night! So..... in the meantime..... I really do try hard to keep that focus on me.... and instead of looking at the use or non-use - I look at the behavior. I have surrendered to not looking at the drug abuse as the crutch.... the excuse for how things are. Because you know what? He is not! He is still dancing around it as though his addiction is a past tense. However - he hasn't properly treated it and doesn't realize that his addiction has a core (underlying) issue that has yet to be dealt with.

It is out of my control - it is out of your control! You only have control over yourself!

He is going to do - what he is going to do! Step aside of his box..... and stand only in yours. Give yourself some personal space.... some emotional protection - and do not allow penetration of his energy into your field. Hold yourself close...... and only externalize your energy while not internalizing his field of energy! Put that rain gear on.... and visualize the barrier ... the scotch guard if you will - of his energy penetrating into you.

Just as massage therapists do when giving a massage. They only externalize their energy and protect themselves from receiving the energy from their clients! This will help you detach ...... and detach with love..... with love for yourself!

Before you look at his faults..... before you look at what he is or is not doing - look at yourself. Then all will unfold ...........

Peace and Love xoxoxo
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Old 12-10-2008, 01:48 PM
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I keep trying to let go, let God, but is that all I can do?
If you could actually do this, you would be way ahead of the game.

Focusing on you, becoming a stronger you, means that you will no longer enable his addiction by trying to "help" him to get better. Recovery from addiction MUST be done by the addict. Alone. There is nothing we can do except stop trying to help.

I read the best thing the other day about trying.

Do or do not, there is no try.
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Old 12-10-2008, 01:59 PM
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Hello Kitty ..... that is so true.

I grew up with sayings like..... "there are talkers and doers..... what are you?"

Just Do It! It's no good just talking about it..... JUST BLINKING DO IT! We waste so much energy talking and thinking and analyzing..... just do it! The trick is.... what is it that we are going to do. The first step is the one to follow! We are powerless over <blank>. Start there!!!

I have given up on telling my guy what he should and shouldn't do! AND when I falter and do express what he is doing..... I literally get a physical sensation up my back - like a shudder or a stress in my neck.... that is screaming..... STOP!

By "helping".... not only are we hurting....... but we also are taking away any ownership they have in THEIR recovery! Addicts and codies last because it's a unhealthy puzzle ... all the pieces fit together. But when one moves into recovery - being it the addict or the codie..... the dynamics change - regardless. Of course the dream would be for BOTH to do it together, but that is not always the case or at least it doesn't always last for eternity - so ONE person has to make the first move! Then see what happens.........

EVERYONE's recovery is different! There is no true handbook in recovery. That is what is so exciting about recovery. However, with codie and addicts... there is an un-written handbook that we can all relate to! Well actually - the 12 steps is really the handbook to recovery..... but it's scary and it means we are looking at ourselves - instead of escaping from ourselves - it being drugs or other people's problems! But I do feel that some are slower than others in recovery - but then again .... addiction/codieness progresses slower than others as well. It is a dance....... the question is.... at what point are you going to take the lead on the dance floor for the well being of YOU?!
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Old 12-10-2008, 02:00 PM
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at what point are you going to take the lead on the dance floor for the well being of YOU?!
Good question!! I don't know... ;-) In reference to myself of course. For now, I'm kind of stuck on what I should do. ERGH! I don't know what to do! But that's just an excuse... cuz really, I'm pretty sure I know what I need to do. I just don't know how to go about doing it. It all goes back to me not wanting to be a b!tch. I guess. I'm not trying to help him. But I don't want to hurt him either.
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Old 12-10-2008, 03:31 PM
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Your posts are so kindful and thoughtful! One thing that is hard for me is that I was in denial for so long before his recovery. I knew that he was taking drugs, and I knew he was taking them to feel better. For a long time, I just tried to push those thoughts out of my head and figure that I would deal with those issues later. I finally put my foot down and said "Enough!" when he did two things: he weaved all over the road and refused to pull over because "he wasn't on codeine" and he stole some pain pills from my grandmother (we were a guest in her home). These are the events that caused me to realize that this wasn't a little problem and this wasn't going to go away on its own. I shared all this with my therapist. He decided to start seeing my therapist and got off the drugs (for the 8 months).

I don't want to ignore the fact that he is using because I feel bad about those years that I willingly went along with the denial. My mom is drug addict and her parents will deny and enable until the day they're dead. (I assume this because they are 90 years old and still enabling and denying.) So, I don't want to ignore the problem or pretend it's not happening when he's obviously high.

I don't really get the difference between letting go of the situation without ignoring the problem. Does that make any sense to anyone? I'm not ready to leave the situation because I still see hope that will go into recovery for drugs and I will go into recovery for codependency.
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