Message to those who feel they cant leave
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
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Message to those who feel they cant leave
The other day i stopped to get gas. The gas pump was extremely slow and I asked the woman on the other side if it was slow for her. She said "yes it is and i forgot that this pump is always slow - I wish I hadnt come back to this pump and I wont do it again." I stood there for about 3 minutes and it had only clicked up a dollars worth of gas. She had been there for 10-15 minutes trying to fill up her tank. Finally it hit me, why dont i just pull over to another pump. I told my new friend, "well I can sit here and complain or I can do something about it." So I backed up to another pump, filled up in no time and was on my way. The woman at the other pump laughed and was embarrased that she didnt think of it first. We both felt trapped at that pump because we had already commited to it - the difference was I didnt like my situation and did something about it - she was willing to stick it out to the end.
Reading through the posts on here I have felt a heavy heart for many of you who feel trapped in a relationship with an addict. Many years ago I had a SO that was an addict and I felt that way too. At an Alanon meeting a seasoned and very wise woman put it into perspective for me. She said you can leave or you can stay - that's your choice and no one here will tell you otherwise. But if you decide to stay you have to accept the fact that this may never change, he may never change and you are going to have to be willing to live with that. What I realize now in hindsight is that I didnt leave sooner because I didnt want to. I had a big bag of excuses that I would pull from whenever someone questioned me or I questioned myself. It took me getting beat up physically, financially, and emotionally many times before I finally said enough and threw him out.
Some of you may not be ready to hear this but the reality I found is this. The addict has his excuses for why he/she uses and we have our excuses for why we stay - both of us are rationalizing why we are not giving ourselves a better life. Bottom line is they are just excuses. If you really want to leave you owe it to yourself to find a way. It may not be pleasant and it will be hard but only you can change your situation. Your addict will not change your situation for you - it is not his/her responsibility - it is yours. If you look to tomorrow to be the right time it may never come. Honesty with ourselves is crucial. Are we making up excuses because we really dont want to leave and we really have not hit our bottom yet. If you dont want to leave that is your absolute right and there are no judgments about that but it may be easier on you to admit that then to justify.
I have survived things that I never thought I had the strength for. What I asked myself is will this kill me? Will it kill me to stay in a shelter or with family for a few months, to downsize, go on a strict budget, get a new job, work more hours, not have intimacy, be alone, no those things wont kill me. Will it kill me to stay with an abusive person or addict - possibly. It may not be pleasant, fun, and it will be hard but only you can change your situation. No one owes us happiness but ourselves. We always say that the addict cannot love because they dont love themselves. I will take this a step further and say that maybe we arent loving ourselves either.
Reading through the posts on here I have felt a heavy heart for many of you who feel trapped in a relationship with an addict. Many years ago I had a SO that was an addict and I felt that way too. At an Alanon meeting a seasoned and very wise woman put it into perspective for me. She said you can leave or you can stay - that's your choice and no one here will tell you otherwise. But if you decide to stay you have to accept the fact that this may never change, he may never change and you are going to have to be willing to live with that. What I realize now in hindsight is that I didnt leave sooner because I didnt want to. I had a big bag of excuses that I would pull from whenever someone questioned me or I questioned myself. It took me getting beat up physically, financially, and emotionally many times before I finally said enough and threw him out.
Some of you may not be ready to hear this but the reality I found is this. The addict has his excuses for why he/she uses and we have our excuses for why we stay - both of us are rationalizing why we are not giving ourselves a better life. Bottom line is they are just excuses. If you really want to leave you owe it to yourself to find a way. It may not be pleasant and it will be hard but only you can change your situation. Your addict will not change your situation for you - it is not his/her responsibility - it is yours. If you look to tomorrow to be the right time it may never come. Honesty with ourselves is crucial. Are we making up excuses because we really dont want to leave and we really have not hit our bottom yet. If you dont want to leave that is your absolute right and there are no judgments about that but it may be easier on you to admit that then to justify.
I have survived things that I never thought I had the strength for. What I asked myself is will this kill me? Will it kill me to stay in a shelter or with family for a few months, to downsize, go on a strict budget, get a new job, work more hours, not have intimacy, be alone, no those things wont kill me. Will it kill me to stay with an abusive person or addict - possibly. It may not be pleasant, fun, and it will be hard but only you can change your situation. No one owes us happiness but ourselves. We always say that the addict cannot love because they dont love themselves. I will take this a step further and say that maybe we arent loving ourselves either.
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
Great post
I've read several articles of late saying the divorce rate has gone down and or, hasn't risen due to the bad economy.
Makes it worse for people in a relationship when, their partner is on drugs ,drinks or is abusive.
Actually, if your partner is spending all your income on drugs and drinking, might make more sense financially to leave
I've read several articles of late saying the divorce rate has gone down and or, hasn't risen due to the bad economy.
Makes it worse for people in a relationship when, their partner is on drugs ,drinks or is abusive.
Actually, if your partner is spending all your income on drugs and drinking, might make more sense financially to leave
Many thanks....
crypticpoet777
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 38
Outstanding post, stirs up a lot of memories of my mom and the path she was never able to follow. I still remember my brothers and I sitting in the car with her outside of a building, an alanon meeting inside. We were so young, but knew how much she wanted to go in there.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I missed this first time through. Thankis, Winnie, for the wonderful perspective. I love your analogy at the gas tank because I am one of those people who can easily commit to the wrong tank, lol.
We DO have choices in life and sometimes it takes more effort to make a choice than live with what we know. But nothing changes if nothing changes, yes?
Hugs
We DO have choices in life and sometimes it takes more effort to make a choice than live with what we know. But nothing changes if nothing changes, yes?
Hugs
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Wow Winnie, good post! I was talking with a recovery friend the other day about a work situation. One of the things that came up was that due to our life experiences with A's we have a fairly high threshold for accepting unacceptable behavior. Something that might make a normie run for the hills is (or was) considered run of the mill, ordinary stuff in my world.
The gas station analogy is awesome. There was a time when I would have stood there and let that gas drip out. I don't think I would have even realized that I might have a choice, and if I did, I'm certain I would have been paralized with fear about what other people - the gas station attendant etc- would have thought about me making a change... or I would have spent time twirling in my head all of the possible negative consequences.
Today? I'd be changing pumps, and not giving it another thought, looking forward to all of the beautful things that await me in my day.
Thanks for this.
The gas station analogy is awesome. There was a time when I would have stood there and let that gas drip out. I don't think I would have even realized that I might have a choice, and if I did, I'm certain I would have been paralized with fear about what other people - the gas station attendant etc- would have thought about me making a change... or I would have spent time twirling in my head all of the possible negative consequences.
Today? I'd be changing pumps, and not giving it another thought, looking forward to all of the beautful things that await me in my day.
Thanks for this.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: New York
Posts: 11
Hi Winnie,
Your post title really caught my attention and when I read it I thought you were reading my mind. I was wondering if you can offer some insight about my situation. My husband has been clean for one month after numerous times of "trying". While I am very proud of him because I know he is trying...I also feel like right now he is doing it to pacify me. The truth of it is I know he loves me and wants to repair our marriage (since only May 2008) and I love him too obviously, however, he has only been to two meetings since Jan 1st and says his personal goal is to stay home and not go out (dinners, parties, game night etc) for 3 months to help him stay away from triggers. Now, his friend might be visiting in April and he already say he "might", which I know means he "will" , go hang out with him. Problem is, they used to use together and I just KNOW he will want to use if he hangs out with him. He says I am being negative and unsupportive and he is trying really hard (i don't think he's been clean for a full month in the past 11 years), but I AM negative about him going out like that. I don't think it's smart even if he's clean for 3 months - it's too soon! I just don't know how to handle this. I do feel like I'm trapped sometimes and I feel resentful - like I could have married a non addict and I wouldn't have these problems. I also don't want to come off negative....thoughts?
Your post title really caught my attention and when I read it I thought you were reading my mind. I was wondering if you can offer some insight about my situation. My husband has been clean for one month after numerous times of "trying". While I am very proud of him because I know he is trying...I also feel like right now he is doing it to pacify me. The truth of it is I know he loves me and wants to repair our marriage (since only May 2008) and I love him too obviously, however, he has only been to two meetings since Jan 1st and says his personal goal is to stay home and not go out (dinners, parties, game night etc) for 3 months to help him stay away from triggers. Now, his friend might be visiting in April and he already say he "might", which I know means he "will" , go hang out with him. Problem is, they used to use together and I just KNOW he will want to use if he hangs out with him. He says I am being negative and unsupportive and he is trying really hard (i don't think he's been clean for a full month in the past 11 years), but I AM negative about him going out like that. I don't think it's smart even if he's clean for 3 months - it's too soon! I just don't know how to handle this. I do feel like I'm trapped sometimes and I feel resentful - like I could have married a non addict and I wouldn't have these problems. I also don't want to come off negative....thoughts?
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
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Thank you all for your responses.
onthebrink, its not so much about what they do its about what we do. You cant stop your husband from doing something anymore than i could have made that gas pump go faster. But if i cant handle the situation i do have choices. What is so clear to you about the risk of relapse may be something that your husband has to learn on his own the hard way - you cant explain it or teach him that lesson. That doesnt mean that you have to sit there and take the consequences of his relapse.
I want to be very clear on one thing - I dont believe divorce should ever be taken lightly and in a lot of situations I really think too many people give up for silly reasons (you know the "i need to find myself" kinda crap) but i do believe strongly in setting boundaries and in the case of abuse leaving quickly. Anyway, instead of thinking about whether or not your husband should or shouldnt hang out with this friend you should instead focus on what your boundary for using is. The addict in my life right now is my son. I dont tell him who he can be friends with - in fact I know that will drive him towards them because no one likes to be told what to do in their personal life. Instead I tell him that if he uses then he'll have consquences - its up to him to learn that when he hangs out with certain people he's more likely to use.
I think we're all told that we're not being supportive but the addict can have short term memory - they think about being clean today and forget that they may have put you through months or years of pain - you cant keep dredging it up as that's unhealthy. I try to just bluntly explain that trust takes a long time to build and I ask my son to be patient while he earns back my trust. I am negative sometimes especially when i see AS making what I consider to be stupid choices, but I have to detach from that and instead focus on what i am willing to put up with and what consequences i'm willing to enforce.
If your husband goes out with this friend and uses then what are the consequences for breaking that boundary. Keep reading on here - there are a lot of women and men in the same situation as you and I think you'll find a lot of good information from people who have been there. With my son I cant "leave" him but i can still "move to another pump" and take on a different life and a different way of thinking for myself. For me, detachment was not leaving or abandoning "him" it was stepping out of his circle and not being responsible for decisions, problems, or consquences.
onthebrink, its not so much about what they do its about what we do. You cant stop your husband from doing something anymore than i could have made that gas pump go faster. But if i cant handle the situation i do have choices. What is so clear to you about the risk of relapse may be something that your husband has to learn on his own the hard way - you cant explain it or teach him that lesson. That doesnt mean that you have to sit there and take the consequences of his relapse.
I want to be very clear on one thing - I dont believe divorce should ever be taken lightly and in a lot of situations I really think too many people give up for silly reasons (you know the "i need to find myself" kinda crap) but i do believe strongly in setting boundaries and in the case of abuse leaving quickly. Anyway, instead of thinking about whether or not your husband should or shouldnt hang out with this friend you should instead focus on what your boundary for using is. The addict in my life right now is my son. I dont tell him who he can be friends with - in fact I know that will drive him towards them because no one likes to be told what to do in their personal life. Instead I tell him that if he uses then he'll have consquences - its up to him to learn that when he hangs out with certain people he's more likely to use.
I think we're all told that we're not being supportive but the addict can have short term memory - they think about being clean today and forget that they may have put you through months or years of pain - you cant keep dredging it up as that's unhealthy. I try to just bluntly explain that trust takes a long time to build and I ask my son to be patient while he earns back my trust. I am negative sometimes especially when i see AS making what I consider to be stupid choices, but I have to detach from that and instead focus on what i am willing to put up with and what consequences i'm willing to enforce.
If your husband goes out with this friend and uses then what are the consequences for breaking that boundary. Keep reading on here - there are a lot of women and men in the same situation as you and I think you'll find a lot of good information from people who have been there. With my son I cant "leave" him but i can still "move to another pump" and take on a different life and a different way of thinking for myself. For me, detachment was not leaving or abandoning "him" it was stepping out of his circle and not being responsible for decisions, problems, or consquences.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: New York
Posts: 11
Thanks Winnie, I really appreciate your response. I constantly need to be reminded that I can't stop him from doing anything and I can't control him or it. I do not take divorce lightly but each time he uses I find myself slipping away and he knows this. So I guess he knows the consequence so it's his choice. I will definitely come back regularly. Everytime I read a post that I can relate to I feel like I can find strength through other people such as yourself. Thanks again =)
A Brand New Life
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 287
To the Post about leaving....Lonliness is what keeps humans enduring so much pain...we don't want to be alone,we want to have companionship...this weakness is our true test, our calling. Can we survive alone and thrive that way we can meet the true people who were meant to compliment our life. I truly believe that we are meant for great things, but until we learn our lesson, get better at being on our own and relaize how great we are we cannot move on to those great things. Funny how being alone can make or break your situation...I thought I would die alone and raise my little one alone but I have faith that I will meet great people ahead...
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 1,054
I struggle with loneliness, but have determined that I would rather be lonely than live in a dysfunctional hurtful marriage/relationship with an addict.
Loving an active addict is very painful, and has lead to a very painful road for me and the family. I'm still recovering from his many abuses. Forgiving him only for him to hurt me again and again has been difficult. HP has to forgive him through me because I just can't do it on my own.
AH still tells me he loves me every once in a while just to try to get me back in his grip. I'm thankful I have the wisdom to know the difference now.
Loving an active addict is very painful, and has lead to a very painful road for me and the family. I'm still recovering from his many abuses. Forgiving him only for him to hurt me again and again has been difficult. HP has to forgive him through me because I just can't do it on my own.
AH still tells me he loves me every once in a while just to try to get me back in his grip. I'm thankful I have the wisdom to know the difference now.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
Being alone does not have to mean being lonely - took me a long time and a lot of bad relationships to learn that lesson. when you start liking and respecting yourself more you wont be so afraid to be alone.
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Originally Posted by NeedingHelp7 
I would rather be lonely than live in a dysfunctional hurtful marriage/relationship with an addict.
Loving an active addict is very painful, and has lead to a very painful road for me and the family. I'm still recovering from his many abuses. Forgiving him only for him to hurt me again and again has been difficult. HP has to forgive him through me because I just can't do it on my own.
AH still tells me he loves me every once in a while just to try to get me back in his grip. I'm thankful I have the wisdom to know the difference now.
Loving an active addict is very painful, and has lead to a very painful road for me and the family. I'm still recovering from his many abuses. Forgiving him only for him to hurt me again and again has been difficult. HP has to forgive him through me because I just can't do it on my own.
AH still tells me he loves me every once in a while just to try to get me back in his grip. I'm thankful I have the wisdom to know the difference now.
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