Stay with addict boyfriend?

Old 12-09-2008, 10:12 PM
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Stay with addict boyfriend?

Hi - Im not really familiar with this but I just want as many opinions as I can get. My boyfriend is in rehab for snorting heroin and smoking pot. I get to talk to him on the phone when he calls, but the whole situation seems so unfair, especially that we talk at his discretion. Last time he called in the middle of the day while I was out in public wanting to talk about how he doesn't want to talk to me anymore unless I stop talking to my ex boyfriend. I have lied to him before about seeing and talking to this guy because of past reactions. I have accepted this was a mistake and have not and will not lie about it. I am a generally honest person. It is not that I cannot give up talking to this guy. I know that I want to be friends with him and he is not ready for friendship. But, I am really uncomfortable with ultimatums. I love my boyfriend, and I think the world of him. We have a great connection when we are together and we have a lot of fun!

I guess my ultimate question is this: this is the second time I have been absolutely blindsided by my bf's heroine use. I had no idea he was using. From what I can tell he is doing really well and wants to change. He has changed and its only been two weeks! I can tell by the clarity in his voice and speech. I guess the question is, am I kidding myself? Am I completely naieve? My family has history of alcohol and drug abuse, maybe I am just attracted to the familiar. Any suggestions would be much appriciated.
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Old 12-09-2008, 10:35 PM
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Lila,

were glad youre here!!! this is a hard time it sounds like, and i am sending hugs and good thoughts your way.


the only thing that sounds just a bit off here , (and i dont mean to be mean or harsh or rude) is that he has changed and its only been two weeks. he could change again in another 2 weeks. its too early to know if he has made a substancial thange, a change long enough to get out of rehab, a life change, or a 6 month change. no one will know.

when you say this is the second time you have been blinded by his heroine use... between that, and the fact that he is in rehab... and that it is heroine, a very addictive drug... make it seem like maybe he has a serious problem. so the fact that he gave you an ultimatem might be small in comparision to some other relationship glitches here.

in regard to him being in rehab and getting to talk at his discretion... he probably doesnt even get to talk when he wants to- its at his rehab's discretion so bare with him atleast there.

if your family has a history of alcohol and drug use, and with your BF in rehab, i think you may want to consider going to al anon or nar anon. you probably already have, but you might want to research addiction, and heroine addiction.

keep posting and stay strong!!!!
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Old 12-09-2008, 10:44 PM
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I think you really want to believe he has changed....but 2 weeks really is too early (in my opinion) to judge. Addicts are good at being dishonest, selfish, manipulative etc....especially with their loved ones. We want desperately to believe them...that they are trying to better themselves. He may change in time but what I think may be even more concerning is his jealousy. If he relapses later--plus has some jealous/anger issues concerning this ex-bf of yours....who knows what may happen? The fact that your family has dealt with alcohol/drug issues too I believe might also play into your choice in men--do you feel the need to help people like that? or are you drawn to hurting people? I would suggest Alanon or Naranon if you are considering staying in the relationship. I don't know how long you two have been together or what age range you fall into--and I'm not asking you to respond--but do you really want to be with someone you will most likely be wondering whether or not they are using/telling you the truth? You mentioned you had no idea he was using before.....something to consider...
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Old 12-09-2008, 11:14 PM
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Welcome,
I wonder why your boyfriend is worried about your ex. My AH was worried the first time he went into recovery that I would find someone else and not give him a try, that was 3 rehabs and several relapses ago.

I was agree that 2 weeks is very soon, in my opinion. I was told a great many things each time my AH went into rehab. Some were truths to lies about lies he told. ( such as he told me he lied about kissing someone else while using)

It is up to you to decide to stay, i strongly suggest to find a good support meeting and post here. When I first joined it was most helpfull.

I wish you luck, happyiness and peace.
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Old 12-10-2008, 05:32 AM
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Welcome to SR Lila...



My family has history of alcohol and drug abuse, maybe I am just attracted to the familiar. Any suggestions would be much appriciated.
This may sound a little harsh but I would advise you to leave this relationship and work on yourself for a while.. Work on your relationship with yourself and the issues with your families history of drug and alcohol abuse..
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Old 12-10-2008, 06:16 AM
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Hi Lila, mother of a 21 AS. I can tell you two weeks is way too early to see major changes. When they are in rehab, they are safe and protected. When he leaves there it is the real world out there and very difficult for them. The chance of relapse is there. Im sorry I dont mean to sound negative, I just know that addicts can be very manipulative and cunning. I have a 24 year old daughter and if she were to date a recovering addict I would tell her to run. You say you come from a family of addiction, yopu need to work on yourself Alanon and Naranon are wonderful support groups. Quite often when we are raised in an addict home we tend to repeat the same patterns again in our relationships. This is his journey and his recovery. AS has been in 4 rehabs each time doing wonderful, healthy, put on weight, no more lies. Once out in to the real world I saw his struggle and he relapsed sometimes it only takes once, sometimes it is a life long struggle with relapsing. You just dont know. Take care of you.
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Old 12-10-2008, 09:10 AM
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I just want to say thank you for your support. I felt desperate to be posting on an internet forum, but all of your comments have been helping me get the wheels turning. I talked to a counsler today. We are both in our early 20s. I know what is best for me. I have to let him figure out his issues, as I have to figure out my own. It feels really good when I think about being autonomous and not enmeshed. His ultimatum was an attempt at controlling my behavior. One of the things I want in my life is to choose my own friends. It isnt a matter of who is more important the bf or the ex bf. I learned something really valuable today. During the phone time I have gotten I often felt attacked by him accusing me of things I didnt and wouldnt do, as well as being accused of not working on my own self growth. I can only speak for myself when I say that I work on myself daily. I experience my feelings and I am generally happy. However, the love that I think he feels for me, the love I feel for him and the feelings I get when the accusations fly are all part of the relationship. It isnt just the love that makes the relationship. I spent time writing out my goals for my life. I want all of my relationships to be authentic (with out deceit or lies) Even though my bf and I have been together over a year and have saw each other through awesome and fun as well as difficult times we have no base of trust and honesty. I hope that if he can heal, we will be able to create this essential base.
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Old 12-10-2008, 09:12 AM
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Great post Lila. Focus on your life and your goals. Let him focus on his life and his goals.

Set boundaries about the kind of behavior you expect from the people you surround yourself with based on what is important to you. Start young. :-) It makes life easier as you get older. You'll be a lot farther along at 40 than I am, if you start now.

I hope you keep reading and posting. The people here are very supportive and knowlegeable about life with addicts.
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Old 12-10-2008, 11:16 AM
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It sounds like you are on a good path. Stay with it!
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Old 12-10-2008, 11:55 AM
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yeah that is a great reminder. very helfpful for me today regarding what i want in my relationships.
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