cessy68

I just wanted to share my thought with everyone today. I have been reading and posting now- for a couple weeks and going through my personal issues with my abf for 2 yrs now, (in the relationship 3)

I'M GOING TO START BY SAYING.... I AM FINALLY LEARNING BECAUSE OF SR

This past week I have read sheer horror stories, and I am going to be honest with some of the thoughts that have run through my head.... (and I mean it with all due respect, love, and careing.)

I have thought THESE ARE RANDOM EXAMPLES... "my god, this person is stealing from her checkbook and she still doesn't know what to do?? " or "holly molly, this person is shooting up, sleeping with others, doing heroin, meth, pill, coke" ..... and how come their partner STILL dosen't know what to do?? Or I have thought, "he just got out of jail, is drinking /useing/ has a restraining order on him from his ex". And the partner STILL dosen't know what to do?????

I don't say these things normally, I just try to be sympathetic, and compassionate, and I mean that. HOWEVER, what I realized and LEARNED here from SR is this......

No wonder why my friends in HAPPY non-dysfunctional, non-toxic relationships say to me "what the heck is wrong with you??? why don't you just throw him out."

After reading here- even I started to think- "hey my bf isn't that bad, he's never been in jail, he pays his bills, he has a job, he isn't cheating, hes' not shooting up..... he just has a pill prob. its not THAT bad"

Well friends, now I know, yea, it IS that bad. My friends who do have normal loveing relationships must think I'm nuts, and wonder how come I have stuck around for so long.... because I DESERVE MUCH BETTER.....

So does everyone else here.... no one should have to sit around and take this kind of emotional abuse. No one should have to cry, inside and out, wondering/waiting/wishing things would change......

We all have to know, that indeed - change is only about changing ourselves (the way we think, the way we should truely know we are beautiful loving people who deserve peace, love, and serenity).

Life is to short - to not live everyday. We all say we are living..... but if we are living (WAITING, HOPEING, ENABLEING).... what kind of life is that??

We deserve more.

Hugs to everyone who has helped me in understanding this-
Prayers to everyone who needs help in seeing this....
Love,
Cessy

Aesakitty

Leaving an abusive/codependent relationship is not nearly as easy as it sounds. Otherwise you would have left yours already. Everyone has different reasons for staying, and many may be scared to leave. I know I pined for my exABF to return to the person he used to be. He never did, because that person never existed. He had just become so bad that the way he used to be seemed so much better.

Abusive relationships are also cycles. I know I was attracted to abusive/addict men because of my abusive parents. I was raised to feel that abuse=love. This is very common. I had to learn what a “normal” relationship was like. I had never been exposed to one before. Growing up even my friends were not very nice to me. Now that I am in a loving healthy relationship I still have confused moments, because part of me still pairs love with codependence and abuse.

Abusers push their significant others to the edge. They make them feel worthless and terrible. Why? So the significant other will feel as if they deserve this treatment. That they deserve to be hit, yelled at, insulted, and belittled. But most of all the abusers want to make sure their significant others WON’T LEAVE.

Abusive/codependent relationships are complicated things, and just telling people they deserve better does not solve the problem. It is like addiction. They need to step up and save themselves.

Freedom1990

Cessy, each one of us has had our own time table on finally seeing things for what they truly are in a dysfunctional relationship.

I am glad you are finally starting to realize that you too deserve so much better.

I have faith that God has wondrous things in store for you, just as he did for me when I began my journey of self and left the dysfunctional relationships behind! :ghug

cassandra2

Cess I hear you on how you feel. We have talked in depth about each of situations and I understand the "I deserve better" and can feel the desire in your post to want more for yourself.

The trap that I am in (I can only speak for myself) is that before my ex got on these pills we had a loving/healthy relationship. I mourn that loss each and everyday and still would be even if he was still living with us. I love the person that he was. Not the person that he is today. I want that feeling of security that I had with him back in my life. That is why I am holding on waiting to see what is gonna happen.

I feel that I am smart enough to see if or when I need to reevaluate my thinking. Today is today and that is all I can see. Today I still very much love him and would like to revisit the relationship provided I can get out of it what I had once before. If that is not possible then I feel that I will be able to move on and be a better person for the future.

I can only speak for my situation and know that this is possible for me today. He has become a drug addict for whatever reason. He didnt leave me for another woman (although some here would hotly debate the doc being the "other" woman) he didnt wake up one day and look at me and tell me he didnt love me anymore. He was stolen from me. By drugs.

There is still hope for him to get well. And maybe in a month I will be posting something competely different but today I will say that yes, I am gonna wait and see how this turns out.

Love to you Cess

hello-kitty

Cassandra, just a couple days ago you posted that you were done and moving on. You told us you had an "aha" moment. You told us terrible things about how he didn't want anything to do with your two older children and how that tore them up inside.

What's changed?

Cupicake

There is always something worse to compare to your own situation. I found myself doing that alot too with my exAH. I would say to myself..."Oh...well, he never stole from me....he never stole from anyone. He never cheated on me. He's never hit me...." The list could go on and on but it really should be about what you alone can tolerate. Not what others can tolerate. What you think you could live with. Only you have to live your life...no one else...so these decisions should come from you.
If I really think about it...he did still from me. He stole my time, my trust and squandered my love for him. He stole from others...their trust and belief in him. He cheated on me with cocaine and crack. And although he may have never physically hit me but I was in essense allowing myself to be a punching bag to his addiciton.
We could blind ourselves with reasons and comparisons and keep ourselves in denial for a very long time. I did for 4 years.

cassandra2

To all who have been following my posts.

The internal struggle that I spoke of the other day is why I keep going back and forth in my mind.

I have always tried to be authentic in expressing my emotions and feelings. Living a good life that I can feel good about. Not trying to act or be something I am not. I have learned that I cannot say one thing and be like minded another way. That is not who I am. My internal struggle is the fight within me to try and feel a certain way. The way others around me "feel" I should feel about my ex. Family and friends and such.

Yes, I can tell you that I have been seeing actions that say contrary to what his mouth is saying. I have been following everyones adivce and watching his actions. I have felt that yes, TODAY the relationship as I knew it is over. That is in no way confirming or denying that that will or wont change for the future.

I have grown up having to trust myself and how I feel. When I start to have this inner turmoil or "cybil syndrome" I stop and try to see what is happening around me. I am listening to others tell me how they feel or how they think I should feel or what I should do. So the inner ME is saying no you dont feel that way. The outer ME (the thoughts, ideas and opinions that I have been listening to) is saying feeling that way is stupid you should feel the way so and so is telling you. While I appreciate the adivce and opinions of others especially when I ask for it I find that I get toooo much and then start thinking tooo hard about it when in reality I already know the answer within myself.

So I need to stop this insanity with this internal struggle and acknowledge the REAL ME. And allow that voice to say this is my life, my emotions, the way I want to see things and until that voice tells me otherwise I am content with allowing myself to feel that way. I have to find a median that I can live with and not anyone else.

I see that his actions are saying he wants nothing to do with me and my kids. But I also know he is still in his addictive thinking/ways and cant fight his way out of a wet paper bag. I am not saying I am putting my life on hold and just gonna wait this out. I am saying that TODAY I still love this man and that for now I am willing to listen to my gut and know that my gut will continue to guide me in the right direction about this situation as it has never steared me wrong.

I have seen/read that alot on here about going with your gut if you suspect this or that about your loved one. So what is wrong with me saying that I am gonna go with my gut and just wait awhile. This is what is right for me. This is the way I feel TODAY. I cant handle the ups and downs of my emotions going from one extreme to the next. I will go crazy. So for now I can accept that this is the way I chose to handle this.

I dont expect others to understand. But this is my path and until I see another path I will stick to what I know. That is myself...I have always relied on myself and will continue to let that be my guide.

hello-kitty

yeah. That made me sad too. I hope your oldest daughters don't take it too personally. I know it was tough on them when you told them he didn't want to be a part of their lives.

In my case, I am striving to put my child and me first. I don't plan my future based on what I think the addict might do if he ever really recovers from addiction. I plan based on what will happen if he never recovers from his addiction. I'm done trying to predict what my addict is thinking, or what he would be thinking if he was able to think his way out of a paper bag. I look at what he is doing. And if he is acting like a jerk (or an addict), I accept it and formulate an escape plan. For the sake of my son.

Freedom1990

Let's just say for the sake of argument, and I realize you're not wanting to 'think' about anything right now, that in fact, you didn't like all the thinking you were doing and have basically shut it down-why are things the way they currently are if your gut has never steered you wrong?

Why did you end up with an active addict? I'm not trying to pick on you, honestly.

Why are your two oldest children in the position they currently are? Again, I'm not picking on you, just asking you to possibly explore if it's your 'gut' you are going with, or it the safe tried-and-true shut down self-preservation mode, because I am very familiar with that one. For years it was just easier for me to stay stuck in denial than to actually question my own thought process (or 'gut' as you define it) than to deal with the pain of looking at things realistically.

The sad thing was all I did was delay the inevitable and drug the pain out far longer than it needed to be, and consequently drug my daughter through the process too. In my situation, my EXAH was not my daughter's father, and so there was even more guilt in the end that I stayed as long as I did with him.

You are an intelligent, capable woman, and I sense a lot of strength in you, but you just don't see it yet. :ghug :ghug

cassandra2

I know that I am a strong, intelligent, capable woman. I have not ever questioned that at all. I have always tried to follow my gut. I am a survivor and have walked enough hot coals in life to know the difference between my gut and what is reality. I know everyone is trying to offer advice and be supportive but I have to live with this day in and day and I cannot live in this constant back and forth of my emotions. If I listen to what my gut says I am at peace with the situation.

cessy68

whoa whoa whoa ladies and gents, be nice!!! I posted that post to say, that It sometimes is EASIER to look to the right than to the left.

Someone said to me, "for every situation that you find difficult in life, you can look to the right or the left. If you look to the right there is some one who has it better than you, to the left, someone who has it worse. Sometimes we make the mistake of looking to the left - and justifying our behaviour."

What this person meant, and what I meant by the thread, was this, that I realized what he meant by comming to SR.

Believe it or not, by seeing HOW AWEFUL some peoples situations are, I realized I was looking to the left, and USEING that information to tell myself, "well Cessy, your bf dosen't do THOSE things, its ok, its alright," la da da da da.

I REALIZED that I need to look to the right, at people I know and trust and love, and people here who have successfuly recoverd, and have the bravery it takes to say,
"HECK NO!! IT'S NOT ALRIGHT I DESERVE MUCH MUCH MORE"

I realized that as with people here, we fall prey, when dealing with an addict to try to manipulate the situation, change it, pretend it went away, wish it away, pray it away, regardless of how bad it is.

I feel that people jumped all over Cass- not right guys, (in my humble oponion)- she isn't there yet, and what I BELIEVE she was ATTEMPTING to say, is that she is being honest with us and HERSELF enough to know that one day she feels/sees things one way and the next day it's the opposite......

It's the swing of emotion, we all know it don't we?? I certaintly do. I feel good and stable right now, (acutally I am really mad at my abf) but that is another story. What I mean is now, I ONLY wish and pray that I get better..... not him. I'm done with focusing on that.... I'm foucusing on me.

What would happen if I got sucked in tomorrow to the turmoil and drama?? After all, I THOUGHT I was healing in the past, then changed my emotions- who's to say it won't happen again? I hope it dosen't. I hope I have got much more strong recently and I won't do that route again.

But if I did- would everyone JUMP all over me here??? We can't get anywhere without being honest with ourselves, and to write HONESTLY- well, that's the only way of getting support.

It's like going to a therapist and not REALLY discloseing how you are feeling- it dosen't work.

Lets try to show a little more compassion when our brothers/sisters post about how they are feeling.....

I don't mean to baby them or let them remain in denial, but Geeeeze.... support, love, careing words to back up a little dose of reality medicine when we are ill.

Thanks,
Love,
Cessy

hello-kitty

I have a lot of compassion for the people who post here and everyone involved in addict/family drama. Even the addicts, believe it or not. ;-)

Sometimes it takes a while for us to get our legs back under us when an addict knocks the wind out of us, but firm boundaries can help us get our footing. It can help protect our children. I'm certainly not saying it's easy. It's not. But for me, talking about it helps. Remember what the big picture is helps. Focusing on MY RECOVERY helps.

I'm not telling anyone what to do but I think it is fair and important to ask tough questions. To encourage thinking about a situation in ways that someone hasn't thought about before. Afterall, "If we keep doing what we've always done, we will keep getting what we've always got."

There is nothing wrong with accepting the way things are and acting on facts, not feelings or emotions. Sometimes our "guts" can be wrong. My "gut" used to tell me to smoke crack everyday and stay with my drug-dealing boyfriend because I loved him and thought he would change. I'm glad I stepped back from my "gut" and started looking at the facts surrounding the situation or I would be in a world of hurt right now.

BTW, I'm not jumping on anyone. This is just me, speaking from my experience. I'm certainly not an expert and I am not telling anyone that my way is the right way. As they say in the program, take what you want and leave the rest.

Limiya

I think we all understand the mix of emotions we feel when relationships with our ASO's get rocky and decisions need to be made.
I broke up with my ABF about a month ago, and i had to post a LOT here due to my emotions were literally back and forth and all over the place.

And as we are all honest with each other here, my emotions are still back and forth. And i still am having my weak days, where i give in and talk to my Ex. I've seen him twice since we broke up, and although we get on now that we are not technically together, i still hold back on ever thinkin he is more than he is. Or COULD be. I'm also trying to watch his actions and not his words. He's working most days a week now on the run up to Xmas, so he is spending less time using, which is good. But he still USES sometimes. I have to keep that in mind, and i try not to worry myself in regards to what he is doing anymore or will do. It's not my problem now!

Cass, i think you're doing very well lately. And it's only natural for your emotions to be everywhere when you love someone.

~Limiya~

bluejay6

I continue to be confused when I read that addicts make a choice to become addicts and that once they become addicts they make a choice to stay addicts. I still have no resolution. I read the Big Book of AA to learn about addiction and in it I read that Bill W and Dr. Bob wanted to quit, tried to quit, desperate to quit, and could not quit drinking. Their stories tell me that they had lost the freedom to choose whether they drank or not. They had LOST CONTROL of alcohol and drank in spite of their continuing pain and suffering which they knew was created by alcohol.

I also know that the 12 Steps they created do not save every addict who walks into those rooms.

I understand waiting--for a while, if you protect yourself--to see whether an addict will find recovery. And I understand that some want to wait longer than others.

If you accept that nothing you do will change the addict, if you accept that you have no power through love or threat to change the addict, and if you make your life as safe as possible WHILE YOU WAIT AND SEE...then I think that is sanity. Because it seems to me it is an acceptance that the addict has lost control and that only a combination of divine intervention, fate, luck, whatever can change things, change the addict....then you are acknowledging powerlessness but also acknowledging that things can change in the next five minutes.

It is a personal choice to wait, made, one hopes, with some awareness of the real dangers involved and a determination that you will not go down with the addict. Nor let your children go down with the addict.

cassandra2

THIS IS EXACTLY HOW I FEEL. Are you in my head bluejay???? That is where I have found my sanity. And I havent gotten on that rollercoaster of emotions since I made that decision for myself........