Are there guidelines for boundaries?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Western WA
Posts: 132
Are there guidelines for boundaries?
Hello all. This is my first thread, and I want to thank you all for the strength and encouragement I have seen in this forum. Here's my sob story........
My abf of almost 3 years was 1 1/2 - 2 years "clean" when we met. His DOC is Oxycontin. I always thought it odd that he drank alcohol, but I've discovered that seems to be part of the denial of the disease. Anyways, he had been through rehab after losing his marriage and his business as a result of his addiction. Of course, I didn't find out his addiction was the source of these losses for quite some time, but you all know how THAT goes! Anyways, he had a knee surgery that was done wrong several years ago that led to him getting hooked on the pills. Same botched surgery led him to need to have surgery again this year. Due to scheduling conflicts with his job at the time, he was on Percocet and Oxycontin for about 4 months before the surgery even happened. We tried having me hold the pills and dose him, but my job takes me away sometimes for a couple days at a time and funny how he always found the stash while I was gone. Then we got stuck in the cycle of buying them to supplement so he wouldn't run out. I actually justified in my head that it was cheaper to buy pills than for him to go into withdrawls and not go to work (he had no sick or vacation time).
Trying to make a long story short here.........
Surgery was over 2 months ago and he finally got off the narcotics and onto Suboxone the day before Thanksgiving. He lost his job a month before the surgery. I sort of laid down the law in the middle of November, before he was on the Suboxone. I told him he needed to write down a date when he'd be off the pills entirely and if he wasn't off by that day then we were over. He picked 12/31. He also said that he would go to at least 3 AA meetings per week, get a sponsor, and find a therapist to work with about the reasons he uses.
The problem is, he feels that since he's on the Suboxone, he's met his goal of being off the pills and that's all that matters. However, the weekend before he started Subooxone, he stole $400 dollars out of MY (not OUR) savings account to buy pills. Needless to say, I had a MAJOR melt down!! I told him that he needed to go ABOVE AND BEYOND what he thought was necessary to prove to me that he was getting off the pills. Since then, he's not gone to a single meeting, he's not looking for a job (hasn't even updated his resume), I was gone for 2 days working (one day was 24-hours straight) then came home and he hadn't even emptied the frickin dishwasher.....dirty dishes piled up in the sink!! WTF?!?
I'm struggling. Obviously, he's NOT doing what he needs to do to be a good partner or to stay off the stupid pills. I'm going to regular Al-Anon meetings, and they are all encouraging me not to make any "rash" decisions. So I'm trying to figure out where my boundaries are. But it seems all the boundaries I come up with revolve around his behavior, and that seems to go against the Al-Anon beliefs of not controlling the addict or their behavior.
I'm not someone who is willing to live with an addict who won't work to get/stay clean. In fact, when he first told me of his addiction my words to him were "As long as the drugs are in your past, we'll be fine. However, if you choose to make them a part your present or your future we're gonna have problems."
So how do I draw boundaries that are healthy for me that don't seem like I'm telling him what to do?
My abf of almost 3 years was 1 1/2 - 2 years "clean" when we met. His DOC is Oxycontin. I always thought it odd that he drank alcohol, but I've discovered that seems to be part of the denial of the disease. Anyways, he had been through rehab after losing his marriage and his business as a result of his addiction. Of course, I didn't find out his addiction was the source of these losses for quite some time, but you all know how THAT goes! Anyways, he had a knee surgery that was done wrong several years ago that led to him getting hooked on the pills. Same botched surgery led him to need to have surgery again this year. Due to scheduling conflicts with his job at the time, he was on Percocet and Oxycontin for about 4 months before the surgery even happened. We tried having me hold the pills and dose him, but my job takes me away sometimes for a couple days at a time and funny how he always found the stash while I was gone. Then we got stuck in the cycle of buying them to supplement so he wouldn't run out. I actually justified in my head that it was cheaper to buy pills than for him to go into withdrawls and not go to work (he had no sick or vacation time).
Trying to make a long story short here.........
Surgery was over 2 months ago and he finally got off the narcotics and onto Suboxone the day before Thanksgiving. He lost his job a month before the surgery. I sort of laid down the law in the middle of November, before he was on the Suboxone. I told him he needed to write down a date when he'd be off the pills entirely and if he wasn't off by that day then we were over. He picked 12/31. He also said that he would go to at least 3 AA meetings per week, get a sponsor, and find a therapist to work with about the reasons he uses.
The problem is, he feels that since he's on the Suboxone, he's met his goal of being off the pills and that's all that matters. However, the weekend before he started Subooxone, he stole $400 dollars out of MY (not OUR) savings account to buy pills. Needless to say, I had a MAJOR melt down!! I told him that he needed to go ABOVE AND BEYOND what he thought was necessary to prove to me that he was getting off the pills. Since then, he's not gone to a single meeting, he's not looking for a job (hasn't even updated his resume), I was gone for 2 days working (one day was 24-hours straight) then came home and he hadn't even emptied the frickin dishwasher.....dirty dishes piled up in the sink!! WTF?!?
I'm struggling. Obviously, he's NOT doing what he needs to do to be a good partner or to stay off the stupid pills. I'm going to regular Al-Anon meetings, and they are all encouraging me not to make any "rash" decisions. So I'm trying to figure out where my boundaries are. But it seems all the boundaries I come up with revolve around his behavior, and that seems to go against the Al-Anon beliefs of not controlling the addict or their behavior.
I'm not someone who is willing to live with an addict who won't work to get/stay clean. In fact, when he first told me of his addiction my words to him were "As long as the drugs are in your past, we'll be fine. However, if you choose to make them a part your present or your future we're gonna have problems."
So how do I draw boundaries that are healthy for me that don't seem like I'm telling him what to do?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Boundaries are for you, not him.
Determine what kind of behavior you are willing to accept in your life. That is your boundary.Then decide what you will do if someone violates your boundaries. That is the consequence.
PS. If someone is stealing from you, it is perfectly OK to tell them they need to find somewhere else to live. That is not rash. You must protect yourself. There is nothing rash about that.
IE. I deserve to live in an environment where my belongings are safe from theft. Therefore, if I cannot trust someone not to steal from me, I will not allow them in my house.
or
I value a clean home. Therefore I expect people I live with to clean up after themselves. If they don't, I will have to find somewhere else to live, or they will.
This is really good practice for me. :-) Enforcing boundaries is also difficult. Don't have a consequence that you aren't 100% committed to following through on. Otherwise it's just a joke and makes the problem worse.
Determine what kind of behavior you are willing to accept in your life. That is your boundary.Then decide what you will do if someone violates your boundaries. That is the consequence.
PS. If someone is stealing from you, it is perfectly OK to tell them they need to find somewhere else to live. That is not rash. You must protect yourself. There is nothing rash about that.
IE. I deserve to live in an environment where my belongings are safe from theft. Therefore, if I cannot trust someone not to steal from me, I will not allow them in my house.
or
I value a clean home. Therefore I expect people I live with to clean up after themselves. If they don't, I will have to find somewhere else to live, or they will.
This is really good practice for me. :-) Enforcing boundaries is also difficult. Don't have a consequence that you aren't 100% committed to following through on. Otherwise it's just a joke and makes the problem worse.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Western WA
Posts: 132
So I have to apologize for the length of my post..........tried to keep it short but it seems the sob story gets so long.......
Anyways, thanks so much to you hello-kitty. I see the difference is basically deciding what I will live with and then letting him decided what side of the boundary he will be on. Kind of light bulb moment for me.........although it seems so obvious now!!
Another question, if you don't mind..............does it matter if I tell him the boundaries? It seems fair that he should know what they are...........but I struggle because he tends to see that as me putting rules on him and says I'm trying to control him - - mind games we're all familiar with. Any suggestions for how to get the boundaries out there without it seeming like a rules meeting?
Anyways, thanks so much to you hello-kitty. I see the difference is basically deciding what I will live with and then letting him decided what side of the boundary he will be on. Kind of light bulb moment for me.........although it seems so obvious now!!
Another question, if you don't mind..............does it matter if I tell him the boundaries? It seems fair that he should know what they are...........but I struggle because he tends to see that as me putting rules on him and says I'm trying to control him - - mind games we're all familiar with. Any suggestions for how to get the boundaries out there without it seeming like a rules meeting?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I wrote my boundaries down and gave them to my ex. I also put them up on the refrigerator so I could be reminded them every day.
I wish I would have never taken them down because two years later I violated my own boundaries by letting him back in my house. Now I'm having to start over at square one.
I think as long as you use I statements, it doesn't matter what he says. You will know the truth - that the boundaries are for you.
And honestly, what's wrong with saying "I need to be able to trust the people I live with. Therefore I will not live with people who steal from me."
What's he going to argue with?
Again, it has to be a boundary that you are prepared to follow through on. You cannot make him change his behavior or location. You can only change your behavior or location.
I wish I would have never taken them down because two years later I violated my own boundaries by letting him back in my house. Now I'm having to start over at square one.
I think as long as you use I statements, it doesn't matter what he says. You will know the truth - that the boundaries are for you.
And honestly, what's wrong with saying "I need to be able to trust the people I live with. Therefore I will not live with people who steal from me."
What's he going to argue with?
Again, it has to be a boundary that you are prepared to follow through on. You cannot make him change his behavior or location. You can only change your behavior or location.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
Anyways, thanks so much to you hello-kitty. I see the difference is basically deciding what I will live with and then letting him decided what side of the boundary he will be on. Kind of light bulb moment for me.........although it seems so obvious now!!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
