cassandra2

I just want to feel normal. I want to stop all of this thinking going on in my brain.

I have been practicing letting go and trying to put one foot in front of the other and I feel as if I am getting no where.

One minute I hate my ex. I hate him for all the pain that me and my kids are in. I hate him for not being a man and just admitting that he doesnt want to have a relationship with my kids. I hate him for acting like we dont exist. I hate him for being an addict. I hate him for not making progress in his recovery. I hate him.

The next minute I am crying my eyes out thinking about how much I love him and want him to come home. I want us to work things out. But I know that it would be a process. And I think that that process cant happen until healing starts for both of us.

I just dont know what to think. Should I just think screw him and go on with my life even though I love him?

I dont know what to do. I dont know how to feel. I feel stupid because his actions are speaking loud and clear that its over and I should move on but I just cant. I keep waiting for something to happen. I keep reading and trying really trying to pull myself together and keep my kids going but I am just having a tough time.

Then I start to think about him. Is he having these feelings? How could he he is a dry addict. Does he miss us? No cause if he did he would call. Does he love us? NO because he would be here if he did.

These are the arguments that I am having with myself. How do I make this stop?

I just want to be better. I dont feel like I am getting better. I dont know what decision to make. I feel like I should because basically the decision has been made. He isnt coming back. Not to me and not even to himself....

Please someone help me get out of this cycle.....

MsPINKAcres

maybe you are still grieving your losses

It sounds like you are still in lots of pain over this - it does take time.

Try not to let "him" have so much time in your head. That is difficult to do at first - just a suggestion everytime the thoughts go toward him - try to mentally picture yourself giving your AH to his HP - and tell yourself that "I am not going think about him today"
I'm going to focus on myself and taking care of ME.

This is what I have had to do during my yrs of recovery in dealing with an AH & a daughter.

HUGS to you,
Rita

winnie12

I went through something similar when my ex left me. I learned that the opposite of love is not hate. The opposite of love is indifference. I prayed for indifference - i have it now and its much easier than hate - i really dont care anymore how he is, why he left nothing going on in his life has anything to do with me except when it comes to the kids. Only when you stop having emotions for them will this stop.

To help myself, I made a list of rules that i felt i needed to comply with to regain my sanity. some of my rules included only responding to one out of every three contacts he makes (with kids no contact wasnt possible); if i must respond wait five hours before response; never initiate contact; never be intimate. each day i went through my list and graded myself on whether or not i was successful. It does get easier and easier.

cessy68

Hi Cass,

I talked to someone today.... and although it pained me to listen, I did. I talked to him about what we are going through. I didn't tell him that I was online talking to people, I just said I have a friend going through similar things that I have been going through... bla bla bla. Anyhow, the reason I talked with him, is he and his wife got clean together over 20 yrs ago.

My question to him was this..... "let me ask you a question, when someone leaves the home/family because of addiciton, and they get clean, does that change them to the point that they don't want to come back?"

First answer he had to me was, "is your friend attending meetings, because she really needs to."

Second answer he had was "if he hasn't been sober for a year to two years, he is no where near KNOWING where he is going, or what he is thinking"

Third answer, "once clean and sober, the dynamics of the relationship for the addict change drastically, if he is truely clean and sober, he may very well realize the reasons he was in the relationship aren't what he wants/needs now. He may realize that he was with the other because of the enableing tendencies..... and he dosen't need/want that anylonger."

(boy my first reaction was - isn't that a kick in the head after we are there for them.....)
HOWEVER, that is why we MUST get healthy ourselves, it isn't now, and never has been OUR JOB to stand by and rescue/help/be there.... etc. It was our misjudgement (however well intended it was) to do what WE did, which in essence was enable.

Also, I did explain that the addiction wasn't present in the beginning of the relationship, that this happend after an injury etc.... he said that we never know what the catalyst of addiction is,,,, however even though he may not have been useing, the dynamic may have been there.... the "isms of addiction/codependency."

Cass, I know it's hard/frusterating honey, and I feel your pain, because I have walked/and am walking in the same place, but I think you have to hit rock bottom the way the addict does before you look up and say "no more. I am unwilling to sacarfice my well being any longer."

I don't know when that will be for you.....
I don't know just like some addicts never recover, I suppose people who are engaged in a co-dependency may not ever recover.....

I do think those who are actively reading..... meetings.... therapy.... etc. are well on their way to getting better. Like you and I and everyone on this site.

You will be o.k. I have faith in you, perhaps you could try just for a moment to really understand that someone out there has faith in you, even if you don't feel it for yourself. I truely believe that if you continue to work through these feelings, you will come to a place of peace.

I pray for that peace for you and everyone else here.

Love,
Cessy

UNHAPPY777

I too have this type of relationship with my AH. But I find when he is gone out on binges I don't worry as much as I use to and I actually now start to heal. But, as soon as he comes back thats when the emotions start all over again. I hate this. Now I know my healing process will start only when I seperate from him.....Love or Hate...... Either way the thin line between the two is always RESPECT and that what I'm not getting bottom line and neither are you!!!!!!

lovesmenot74

Hi Cassandra (((hugz)))

I'm sorry you're still hurting so much. I know it sounds cliche, but are you doing things for yourself? I know when you're feeling down it's really hard to scrape yourself off the floor and go out and do something fun but I've really found that is what I NEED to do if I'm starting to slip.

I've been having a good week or so ... but after the death of a close friend's mother, I've found myself in the last 2 days really starting to slip backward. I went to the gym last night, even though what I really wanted to do was let myself fall back and cry about all the things that sadden me. Once I got to the gym and got on the elliptical, I felt SO much better!!

Now maybe you're not a gym person ... but even when I'm home, I have been cranking disco music and dancing. It really helps to lift your mood some. It won't completely get rid of the sadness ... and I think it's important that you work thru it rather than fight it off ... but trying to at least do some small thing that you know will lift you up ... even if it is just a fleeting moment ... will help. Try to find something that you used to love to do ... something that doesn't remind you of him (for me, this is very hard because most of my memories involve him, but the gym and MY music are just for me and those are the things I hold tightly to lately) ... I've found that even if my mood doesn't turn around completely, at least it elevates just enough to not feel so crushing.

I can tell you from experience that you will eventually get some relief from this ... even a few days is a blessing ... don't think that if it only lasts a day, there is something wrong ... I'm hoping that my happy days will one day outnumber my down days ... and I hope the same for you too.

laurie6781

You are still 'grieving' the loss. And yes the end of a relationship is just as bad as a death, it is a death.

I would like you to take the time to WRITE down everything you "love" about him. Every teeny tiny thing.

I too had to realize that what I thought my AH was and what he was in reality were two very different things. I had to take off the 'rose colored glasses' and look at reality and not my fantasy.

Oh sure there were some 'good times' but the REAL reality was that the few times he treated me nice, was affectionate, etc were FAR outweighed by the lies, the missing money, the days when he would disappear, etc

It was a hard pill to swallow, but it was good I did that. Brought me back down to earth and allowed me to get on with the business of living MY life.
Then, tell yourself every day that ALL OF THAT IS GONE. He will never be that way again. Even were he to find recovery, he will not be what he was or you thought he was before addiction.

A person, gets clean and sober and they are CHANGED forever. No going back. And Recovery is NOT the MAGIC FIXER The person who does find recovery, also finds years and years of hard work on themselves. The first year or so in particular, many times is much harder for those around the addict than it was when they were using.

You need to take a look inside you, decide what it is YOU WANT, and then go for it. What it is YOU can tolerate, and what you won't tolerate, what YOU can live with and what you can't and what YOUR CHILDREN can live with and what they can't.

I have to tell you, even if he finds recovery, he will NOT BE what you want him to be.

Is this how you want to live your life, waiting for the next shoe to drop? Always wondering if and when he will relapse? Always having that 'suspicion' in the back of your mind, not fully trusting? When he is late coming home from work, the panic setting in?

Think about you and the children. Please.

J M H O

Love and hugs,