Language of Letting Go - Dec. 6 - Letting Go of Shame
Nature Girl
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Language of Letting Go - Dec. 6 - Letting Go of Shame
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Letting Go of Shame
Many of us were victimized, sometimes more than once. We may have been physically abused, sexually abused, or exploited by the addictions of another.
Understand that if another person has abused us, it is not cause for us to feel shame. The guilt for the act of abuse belongs to the perpetrator, not the victim.
Even if in recovery we fall prey to being victimized, that is not cause for shame.
The goal of recovery is learning self-care, learning to free ourselves from victimization, and not to blame ourselves for past experiences. The goal is to arm ourselves so we do not continue to be victimized due to the shame and unresolved feelings from the original victimization.
We each have our own work, our issues, and our recovery tasks. One of those tasks is to stop pointing our finger at the perpetrator, because it distracts us. Although we hold each person responsible and accountable for his or her behavior, we learn compassion for the perpetrator. We understand that many forces have come into play in that person's life. At the same time, we do not hold on to shame.
We learn to understand the role we played in our victimization, how we fell into that role and did not rescue ourselves. But that is information to arm us so that it need not happen again.
Let go of victim shame. We have issues and tasks, but our issue is not to feel guilty and wrong because we have been victimized.
Today, I will set myself free from any victim shame I may be harboring or hanging on to.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Letting Go of Shame
Many of us were victimized, sometimes more than once. We may have been physically abused, sexually abused, or exploited by the addictions of another.
Understand that if another person has abused us, it is not cause for us to feel shame. The guilt for the act of abuse belongs to the perpetrator, not the victim.
Even if in recovery we fall prey to being victimized, that is not cause for shame.
The goal of recovery is learning self-care, learning to free ourselves from victimization, and not to blame ourselves for past experiences. The goal is to arm ourselves so we do not continue to be victimized due to the shame and unresolved feelings from the original victimization.
We each have our own work, our issues, and our recovery tasks. One of those tasks is to stop pointing our finger at the perpetrator, because it distracts us. Although we hold each person responsible and accountable for his or her behavior, we learn compassion for the perpetrator. We understand that many forces have come into play in that person's life. At the same time, we do not hold on to shame.
We learn to understand the role we played in our victimization, how we fell into that role and did not rescue ourselves. But that is information to arm us so that it need not happen again.
Let go of victim shame. We have issues and tasks, but our issue is not to feel guilty and wrong because we have been victimized.
Today, I will set myself free from any victim shame I may be harboring or hanging on to.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Nature Girl
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
No matter what your relationship is with your addict, spouse, child, friend...we all have been victims somewhere along the way. I know that I felt shame and embarrassment at how many times I was duped, how many scams I fell for, and for how I covered for and rescued my addict son.
Shame and blame are wasted emotions that will eat our souls if we let them. We have had long enough to feel bad about what happened, we have had plenty of time to feel sad and ashamed.
Now is the time to say "no more" and move forward knowing we will not allow the pattern to be repeated. Now is the time to nurture ourselves and heal.
Walking together, sharing our light, we can walk out of the darkness of the problem and into the light of the solution. We are now survivors and no longer victims, and much wiser for the journey.
Hugs
Shame and blame are wasted emotions that will eat our souls if we let them. We have had long enough to feel bad about what happened, we have had plenty of time to feel sad and ashamed.
Now is the time to say "no more" and move forward knowing we will not allow the pattern to be repeated. Now is the time to nurture ourselves and heal.
Walking together, sharing our light, we can walk out of the darkness of the problem and into the light of the solution. We are now survivors and no longer victims, and much wiser for the journey.
Hugs
Yes, enough of feeling like a victim and feeling guilty. We can't let the past have a hold on us one more day.....we can choose to enjoy today...yeh!!!!
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
Originally Posted by Ann 
Although we hold each person responsible and accountable for his or her behavior, we learn compassion for the perpetrator.
We learn to understand the role we played in our victimization, how we fell into that role and did not rescue ourselves. But that is information to arm us so that it need not happen again.
We learn to understand the role we played in our victimization, how we fell into that role and did not rescue ourselves. But that is information to arm us so that it need not happen again.
This is a very good message, although I don't understand all of it. I don't think that I played a role in the victimization that I suffered growing up. I certainly didn't choose to grow up in a household with a substance abuser.
I agree with Codependent No More when she talks about how we are not at fault for the coping mechanisms that we developed growing up. I'm glad that I made it through with my sanity (mostly) intact.
I do have trouble with feeling shame or guilt for always ending up in romantic relationships with addicts of one kind or another. I'm thankful that I have been able to get away from abusive relationships. I'm afraid that I'm stuck in trying to fix addicts for my entire life. That's one of the things that upset me the most when I came to terms with my ABF's addiction. He was addicted for 7 years, and I tried to deny it. I don't want to be on this merry-go-round forever.
I hope that makes sense.
Sorry about hijacking the thread.
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I don't think that I played a role in the victimization that I suffered growing up. I certainly didn't choose to grow up in a household with a substance abuser.
Knowing and accepting that, you can learn from it and try to do better in picking healthy relationships. Maybe abuse is what you grew used to and became the familiar way of living so much so that you don't know how to live any way else. But you can learn better ways and with practice, they can become the familiar ways and much healthier ways to live. Just a thought.
Hugs
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