itisatruth

Last episode: AH broke boundary and nearly lost his life.

Scene: formerly nice home, now run-down from neglect, weeds rampant, at least one broken down car in the driveway, and the "doggie-door" is a hole in the screen of the sliding door.

Wife: "Hello" (Says hesitantly as she answers because she knows the number)
AH: "Hi."
Wife: (Sigh) "Hi."
AH: "How are you?"
Wife: "Fine. How are you?"
AH: "What are you doing?"
Wife" "Eating popcorn, it is Friday night."
AH: "It's Friday night?"
Wife:"Yes."
AH: "I forgot."

Silence

AH: "I went to five meetings today."
Wife: "Good."
AH: "Miss me?"
Wife: (Thinking....) "The house is quiet. I miss having you around when you're clean."
AH: "I miss you too. Will you come visit me tomorrow?"
Wife: I can't.
AH:"Why?"
Wife: "My work Christmas party. I'm on the committee to set it up."
AH: "That's tomorrow?"
Wife: "Yes. I told you about this already."
AH: "I forgot."

Wife: "Will you bring me my white shirt with long sleeves so I can go to church with my mom?"
Wife" "I can't tomorrow. Let me think about it. It is a two-hour drive."
AH: "You don't really miss me, do you. You"re glad I'm gone."
Wife: "I told you already."
AH: "But you don't, do you???"
Wife: (coldly) "I'm not going to argue about this. Do you want to hang up?"
AH: "Yes."

Click.



That's me under the skillet. Why do I answer the phone???

Ann

I think you handled it very well. Do what not only feels right for you, do what you "want" to do about getting the shirt to him. A two hour drive is a lot if driving.

Or if you do decide to go, make plans for a side trip along the way and take yourself out for a fabulous lunch or see a sight you have never seen before and break up the trip and make it at least partly about you.

Either way, enjoy your day today.

Hugs

cece1960

Hmmm...couldn't Mom bring the shirt?

Have fun at your Christmas party and if you do decide to head his way, I like Ann's idea for a fun trip!

(((Hugs)))

winnie12

Why do they always throw the "love" thing in. IF you LOVED me you would do this. I dont understand that but have had so many people manipulate me that way so obviously its a tool that works. Is it because at some point in our own lives we didnt feel loved (most likely in our relationship with them) so they know that we will sympathize with those feelings? I hate emotional blackmail.

I told my son I needed some time away from him. He told his counselor that his mom doesnt love him anymore and doesnt want to be his mom. How do you turn my statement around to that.

Thank you for posting this - it helps to hear and understand the trends that addicts use to control us. I need this right now before I allow contact again. I know that if others can find the strength to be strong then I can too. I feel like we're all in this together and i'm not alone because there are so many that have gone through it and are going through it.

itisatruth

(((Friends)))

Thank you. I was very frustrated after that call last night. A couple things really bothered be.

One is that he can never seem to remember things I tell him about dates or plans. Is it because he can't remember things because of what he's done to his brain with drugs? OR does he just not care that I have a life with responsibilities?

The other thing, and the biggest one, is the "do you love/miss me?" stuff. With all that has already happened with his many relapses, the last thing I feel like doing is having to convince him that I care --as if sticking around and trying to help over all those years isn't enough??

Funny you should say that Winnie.....my AH left because he broke the boundary and I could not feel safe around him. I told him I'd consider the future when I saw action -- so that's why he went to rehab. He told his mom that he had to leave because *I* needed my space!!! He knows you love him and I'm sure the counselor does too.

Right now I'm going to the beach for a walk -- for me

Abundance

I was thinking about you this morning after reading that dialogue. And I was thinking about resentments. Because I am in the resentment phase..... I immediately started thinking of how I would be in your situation - resenting him for asking for MORE and caring more about his feelings and less about mine. For example - I'd be frustrated that he is showing more entitlement than gratitude! Chica..... but you know what? That is all HIM..... it has nothing to do with you! YOU TAKE CARE OF YOU! I'm so glad you are taking some time for yourself on the beach! Did you get a crystal to cleanse?

The only advice I can offer here is to say what you mean and not say it mean. I think it's great that you keep re-inforcing the "when you are clean" .....

Tell him you are glad that he is there for himself and that he has his wonderful opportunity to look at things he has been running from. But in the meantime - you are looking after you - because you have to suss out all that has gone on in these past few months. Sure - he is going to twist it around and tell other people things from his perspective or perception - OH WELL.... you can't control that. Believe me - I have tried doing that! When my guy talks to his folks and tells them *his* side of things....... I'm right there to tell mine - but then it just makes me look even more pathetic! Because at the end of the day chica....... Sticks and stones will break my bones- but names will never hurt me! Meaning - ACTION is where it's at! Walk where YOU like your steps!

BIG HUGS !!!!!!! xoxoxo

PS....... in the words of you know who!
"After we spoke I had a dream that I broke
The teeth from a mouth of a snake
That I choked on the teeth
They were mine all along

I picked up the pieces when I woke
Put them in a boat made of things that I don't want to see
I blew on the sail
Watched it drift out to sea
The further it drifted the closer it came to me
I can't explain

So I took it apart in a billion boxes
There was only one thing
You might think I'm your enemy
But that don't make you mine"

marle

My daughter was very needy when she first went to rehab. Her drug had been her best friend for so long and she no longer had that to rely on. All of her feelings were coming back and the horror of how much damage she had done to her life and the lives of those who loved her. It made her very insecure. Her confidence is slowly coming back and she has been clean for more than 6 months. The other thing is that her memory is not what it used to be. She can remember things from long ago but the short term is not good. She needs to write things down and the other day she repeated something she had just told me. She has never done that. It takes the brain a long time to heal. I hope that helps. Hugs, Marle

itisatruth

((Abundance))....thanks hon..., the denial phase, the anger phase, the resentment phase, how many more of these phases do we have???

I'm working extra hard on the 'say what you mean but don't say it mean' thing -- cuz I wasn't liking that person I was becoming.


......sigh


Marle -- thank you -- it does help to be reminded of how the drugs can effect a person so much. When I first met him he was outgoing, positive, energetic, and confident. Now....well, just about the complete opposite of all those. My hope for him is he can find "himself" again and not dwell on the damage he's done, but concentrate on good things life has to offer.