The final threads have been let go.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
The final threads have been let go.....
Today I had a converstation with a friend. He was very brutal but sometimes the truth hurts.
The truth is my ex is NOT my older 2 kids' dad. He is however the father of my youngest. By me still keeping the idea that he is gonna come back for them is a form of control. Holding on. Believing for.
When I saw that truth I knew that I was causing MORE pain for my kids by not telling them what his actions are telling us lOUD and CLEAR. He doesnt not wish to have them in his life. His responsibility is to our daughter and thats it. So I told my 6 year old today that that isnt her dad. Her sister would be going over there with him but NOT her and the 13 year old. She cried. I tried to explain it to her and she said but he promised he would be here. I cried. I told her that he was sick in his head and that sometimes people have to break promises. I told her that I was her mother and that I would always be there for her and her sisters.
That was hard. But I know that its for the best. The longer I keep the truth from them the harder it will be. I really thought things would get better and he would come back for the kids. I was so very wrong. This was the final thread that was holding us together. Now I can truly begin to move forward and leave him behind. I can truly say I no longer have expectations of him. He left a long time ago and I really believe he is never coming back.
I thought that family meant something to him and that promises made to kids were sacred. I guess I was wrong. I was wrong. He is not the person I thought he was. Even now with everything that is going on he still doesnt want to do anything about the kids and at this point I am just done.
The truth is my ex is NOT my older 2 kids' dad. He is however the father of my youngest. By me still keeping the idea that he is gonna come back for them is a form of control. Holding on. Believing for.
When I saw that truth I knew that I was causing MORE pain for my kids by not telling them what his actions are telling us lOUD and CLEAR. He doesnt not wish to have them in his life. His responsibility is to our daughter and thats it. So I told my 6 year old today that that isnt her dad. Her sister would be going over there with him but NOT her and the 13 year old. She cried. I tried to explain it to her and she said but he promised he would be here. I cried. I told her that he was sick in his head and that sometimes people have to break promises. I told her that I was her mother and that I would always be there for her and her sisters.
That was hard. But I know that its for the best. The longer I keep the truth from them the harder it will be. I really thought things would get better and he would come back for the kids. I was so very wrong. This was the final thread that was holding us together. Now I can truly begin to move forward and leave him behind. I can truly say I no longer have expectations of him. He left a long time ago and I really believe he is never coming back.
I thought that family meant something to him and that promises made to kids were sacred. I guess I was wrong. I was wrong. He is not the person I thought he was. Even now with everything that is going on he still doesnt want to do anything about the kids and at this point I am just done.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Cass,
Sorry your hurting again/still.... this will take a long, long, time. You were right and wrong with how you are sorting through the aftermath of his storm.....
You are right, he is not the person you thought he was..... He WAS that person once upon a time. He is gone, the emotions, the feelings that you two have had in the past, is now gone,.. stolen away by his addiction. He can not feel for you - or your children the way he once had.
Black and white thinking is easy - ie; I HAVE to take care of the little one, because she is MY daughter. He is not thinking of all the other dynamics in the promises and committments he made.
Please remember Cass, I am divorced, and my older children are never with my 2nd husband. There is no addiction there, he just looks at it differently- he feels the little one is the extent of his responsibility.
Does it suck.... yep. Sure it does - but people change, people break promises, and there isn't a darn thing we can do about it. Just like your older kids father- why isn't he around?? Probably because he is another person that broke commitments and promises to you and them-----
Bottom line sweetie, and you know how much my heart aches for you- this is another road in life that you are going to have to travel down. I hope that someday- regardless of how much you don't see it now, this WILL make you stronger, and you will learn and grow from it.
Whenever one door closes, another one opens- just keep your human antenna up so that you may be able to see those opportunities when they do present themselves to you.
hugs,
Cessy
Sorry your hurting again/still.... this will take a long, long, time. You were right and wrong with how you are sorting through the aftermath of his storm.....
You are right, he is not the person you thought he was..... He WAS that person once upon a time. He is gone, the emotions, the feelings that you two have had in the past, is now gone,.. stolen away by his addiction. He can not feel for you - or your children the way he once had.
Black and white thinking is easy - ie; I HAVE to take care of the little one, because she is MY daughter. He is not thinking of all the other dynamics in the promises and committments he made.
Please remember Cass, I am divorced, and my older children are never with my 2nd husband. There is no addiction there, he just looks at it differently- he feels the little one is the extent of his responsibility.
Does it suck.... yep. Sure it does - but people change, people break promises, and there isn't a darn thing we can do about it. Just like your older kids father- why isn't he around?? Probably because he is another person that broke commitments and promises to you and them-----
Bottom line sweetie, and you know how much my heart aches for you- this is another road in life that you are going to have to travel down. I hope that someday- regardless of how much you don't see it now, this WILL make you stronger, and you will learn and grow from it.
Whenever one door closes, another one opens- just keep your human antenna up so that you may be able to see those opportunities when they do present themselves to you.
hugs,
Cessy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
My kids did know that he wasnt their father. My kids' natural father abandoned them a long time ago. When my ex stepped into the picture and worked so hard to get my kids to trust him I really believed that he would be there for them. And if drugs hadnt stolen him away he would still be there filling that role.
Yes, Cess you are right black and white thinking is easy. That way you dont have to "think" about all the other things about this situation. Yes, its painful. But ya know what it was more painful to be filled with hope. It was more painful to sit around day after day wondering when he was gonna come to his senses.
I feel like a weight has lifted off of my shoulders. I feel that I did the right thing. If he just wants the baby then he can have her. By me keeping her and saying he cant take her if the other kids cant go is me expecting from him and like I said I cant expect anything from anyone.
This is his life to live. He has a right to live it anyway he choses and right now he is choosing to live without the people he once thought of as his family. You live and you learn. It just wasnt meant to be. He is NOT the same and probably never will be.
I can sit here and say oh its not him and oh he is still early in his recovery and blah blah blah but that is me holding on. Holding on to nothing at this point. What we had is GONE. OVER. FINISHED. I need to move forward. Heal my heart and love again.....
Yes, Cess you are right black and white thinking is easy. That way you dont have to "think" about all the other things about this situation. Yes, its painful. But ya know what it was more painful to be filled with hope. It was more painful to sit around day after day wondering when he was gonna come to his senses.
I feel like a weight has lifted off of my shoulders. I feel that I did the right thing. If he just wants the baby then he can have her. By me keeping her and saying he cant take her if the other kids cant go is me expecting from him and like I said I cant expect anything from anyone.
This is his life to live. He has a right to live it anyway he choses and right now he is choosing to live without the people he once thought of as his family. You live and you learn. It just wasnt meant to be. He is NOT the same and probably never will be.
I can sit here and say oh its not him and oh he is still early in his recovery and blah blah blah but that is me holding on. Holding on to nothing at this point. What we had is GONE. OVER. FINISHED. I need to move forward. Heal my heart and love again.....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Cassandra))
I hadn't read your other post when I posted. It sounds like you've made a big step toward acceptance. I'm sorry you're oldest daughter's are hurt by this, but they've got an awesome mom, who loves them and is protecting them and they will be okay.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I hadn't read your other post when I posted. It sounds like you've made a big step toward acceptance. I'm sorry you're oldest daughter's are hurt by this, but they've got an awesome mom, who loves them and is protecting them and they will be okay.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Dear Cass, I just read your post. I am really proud of you. You are honestly looking at the facts, as they are, not as you would like them to be. Now you will be abel to move forward. It is not going to be easy, but nothing in this world that is worthwhile ever is. You have the strength now to take care of you, and your wonderful children. They really do help keep you strong. The love I recived from my kids when I was in your shoes really helped me grow & make a new life for myself.
AS I said I am really proud of you. Just remember nothing worth anything ever comes easy. Keep looking forward. Use your faith in your Higher Power to help you. I don't know if you have heard of Dr Elizabeth Kubler Ross's Model on Death and Dying. She makes us realize any catastrophic personal loss is the same as physical death. She stated that there are 5 stages one must go through to get to the other side so to speak. The stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, then acceptance. In these stages there is work to do and it is not unusual to go through one stage, then move on to the next, then go back to an earlier stage, until you finally come to acceptance. Any situation that causes grief, and lack of control can bring on these stages. If you do a search, and type in her name they will explain it much better than I can.
I will be praying for you,
Diane
AS I said I am really proud of you. Just remember nothing worth anything ever comes easy. Keep looking forward. Use your faith in your Higher Power to help you. I don't know if you have heard of Dr Elizabeth Kubler Ross's Model on Death and Dying. She makes us realize any catastrophic personal loss is the same as physical death. She stated that there are 5 stages one must go through to get to the other side so to speak. The stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, then acceptance. In these stages there is work to do and it is not unusual to go through one stage, then move on to the next, then go back to an earlier stage, until you finally come to acceptance. Any situation that causes grief, and lack of control can bring on these stages. If you do a search, and type in her name they will explain it much better than I can.
I will be praying for you,
Diane
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